If i were in hell it would contain lots of sweet things and me not being able to eat them. Today i saw a glimpse of that hell! lol. Its not that i didnt tell myself a thousand times that i was being better than they were and that it would be better in the long run and that i would treat myself later, it still had that bitter feeling of utter shitness!
So the low down on today starts with me having to pull myself out of bed this morning for work. I tried those caffiene pills but i dont think they worked very well. I still felt really tired! I was gutted that i couldnt be with my mum on her hen day, but i still trudled off to work holding the hope that i could get off early if it was quiet enough.
When i got to work i found my boss crying and comforted her - she and her husbamd had agreed to split. I gave her as much advice as i could on the matter, without being an expert myself (obviously), and listened. A little while later i mentioned what the special occasion was today and she said she'd already said the other staff member on today could go home early if it wasnt busy. He didnt even have any important things on! It was not fair!
Anyways, after i got over that i got on with work. Around 12-ish i was sent out to deliver menus and was happy to do it, as it meant i was walking so was burning calories while being out in the rare sun for a while! I got back around 1pm and then, as i was told to have my lunch, walked into town. I picked up 2 pepsi maxes and a bottle of water, no problems. I spent, like, 5 minutes over the yoghurts, picking them out and looking at their cal and fat contents. Eventually i had to get a four pack as it had the lowest in cals and fat. Then as i dithered over the chocolate area, i entertained the notion of trying again to begin to stockpile chocolate. I see it that i will save it up and then when i get to a goal, i can have it as a treat if i like. If not, i will keep on saving it until i get to a final goal.
I picked up a starbar and a hot chocolate sachet because it was reduced. By the time i'd walked back i only had 7 minutes left of my lunch. Luckily when i said i thought i had 15 mins left, the boss said that it was so dead i could take 30 mins if i wanted! Bonus! I sat outside but the only downside was that she came and talked to me some more. I listened and for the last 5 minutes i was alone. I ate one of the yoghurts - it wasnt too bad at 65kcals. I have left the other four for the next times i go to work.
Now - id been tempted by the starbar those 5 minutes i was alone with it, and was no constantly worried abut sucumbing to it. Because i knew when i did that i would be fatter and put on weight and would feel so much upset and regret. But for now i returned to work.
The other staff member went home at 3pm and it was just me and the boss. She said she was hungry and opened up a box of cheesy swirls and offered me one. I gritted my teeth and refused and, quickly thought up a solution to out some on taster so less is left. It is so crap working in a food store because you cant get away from the temptation and your cravings are maximised to the very limit.
I was supposed to be meeting my mum and her hen party at a pub a short bus ride off just after 7pm. At the end of the day my boss offered me a lift so i quickly changed and ended up at the pub 40 mintues before the party arrived! I read in that time as i am still desperately trying to finish 'Media and Body Image' so i can read my set course texts for next jan!
It sounds silly but i could feel myself anxious and tensing. My breathing was heavy and i knew i was getting really panicky about eating with lots of other people - i HATE it! Last time i had a big meal in public with lots of other people i had a panic attack in the toilets! When the party arrived i speedily dispatched myself to the toilets and took 5 minutes to sit on the loo and breathe deeply to try to calm my nerves, but it could only work so far because i knew food was another challenge that was still yet to come.
First champagne arrived. I pretended to take a sip and didnt touch the glass again - champagne has calories and i didnt want to get into the mentality of adding on the extra of this or that then find i went over my limit by loads. A platter of spring rolls was then put before us and i ignored it, then passed it around to everyone offering them, eager to see them gone from my sight!
I had been prepared for this evening and checked out the menu online before going so i wouldnt be taken by surprise. The safest thing on the menu that wouldnt arouse suspicion was the greek salad. I would have felt happier to order the mixed salad but i knew that would look too obvious when other people were ordering chicken and bacon in cheese with chips, and steak and ale pie with chips. I ordered my food, making sure that when the lady was leant in i asked her that if there was dressing could i have none. That was ok.
When the salad arrived, it looked manageable. I was a little worried about the amount of feta and olives and wished it was more green-leaf inclined, but nevertheless it was something i could eat without becoming nervous and upset. I pushed the feta to one side of the plate, then the olives to another part. By the time id finished my greens i had two piles of very obviously segregated feta and olives which would have been too obvious to leave like it was. I had moved a napkin to my lap earlier in case there came a chance where i could slip some of it onto there, but my godmother who sat to my right was too near not to see.
I was the last to finish and left some pieces of feta and oilves. Afterwards, all that kept revolving round my head was the feta and olives. Olives have so much fat in them (3kcal per olive) and i ate (counted before started meal) 15 of them! yuck! Then the feta - it was cheese, that had to be full of calories. Id read somewhere that its 8kcals a teaspoon and every square looked like a teaspoon to me so that had to be loads. I excused myself from the table to the toilets and tried to throw up. But there was a queue, and due to how tense and panicky i was feeling it made it difficult to throw up without using hands (which would have made too much noise).
The pudding menus came round and it was ABSOLOUTE AGONY to see everyone else picking puddings. I just kept focusing on the calories that would be in a boston brownie with ice cream and choc sauce, or even just two scoops of that ice cream! I knew it would completely blow things if i ate a pudding, but it was so hard because i have THE ULTIMATE sweet tooth! I resisted and was only one of two who did on the table of 9! Then i had to watch them eat it - not a happy experience...
Afterwards it was coffees and hot chocolates which i declined and sipped my water. Even though the meal and pudding was over, my mind still focused on the delicious meals people had just had and how much it hurt not to have it. But i knew that if i held on a bit longer it would be worth it - as i am reaping the benefits of those feelings now! It even refused a chocolate mint that came with the coffee that someone offered me!
We got back home safe and sound, and my stepdad and a few of his friends were in the living room after the stag do. Two of them are staying over here tonight. Us girls excused ourselves to bed. But thats not quite the end of the tale...
when settling into my warm comfy bed i twisted the starbar over in my hands and was so set in digging my teeth into it. But all i could see were the calories flashing in front of my eyes. After all the pressure of abstaining everything for the night, i used my last strength of will for the night to refuse once more, and told myself it wasnt worth it.
Heres the final layout for the day:
CALORIE SECTION:
MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
danone low fat yoghurt 65kcal
Tea
greek salad (no dressing) 250kcal
Snack
Nothing 0kcal
TOTAL CAL INTAKE 315KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
Brisk march into town and back, 20 minutes 60kcal
TOTAL EXERCISE BURN 60KCAL
The exercise today has been pretty awful because i went to work early this am, then rushed off the mum's hen do, then we didnt get back till 11pm! But at least i know those few burnt calories push me below my limit for an ordinary day. If i count today as a special day, which it has been, then i was under anyway as my limit for a special day is 500kcals.
OK. So we will see what tomorrow brings, as there is a possibility of meeting friends at the pub which will be nice. But its for lunch - not so nice! I'll have to decide later whether to skip it! I also found out that my godmother who runs with me has a bad cough, so we arent running tomorrow! So there is little chance of exercise unless i get to the gym sometime between 11am-3pm. Perhaps i wont go to the pub and do an hours exercise at home instead, then when they get back tell them i had lunch - that solves both problems out!
Right, must mooch off because im mega tired and need to weigh myself before bed - you know, for closure!
Poppy oxoxo
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