Over the exam and onto new beginnings and semesters...

Heya!
Sorry about the big pause in blogs! I've moved back to uni and revised my ass off the first week i was here. After that i've kinda been settling in and sleeping...lots! lol.

But i have finally managed to pull myself from my bed and write this blog! I've had my time to myself to settle in, now it's time to get to the real buisiness.

Before my exam, i began to fast, and did this for 2 days. Lily - you remember our conversation online then and im sorry i didnt reply with the blog i promised. However, i decided to stop the fast then because i had an exam on monday and decided it probably wasnt a good idea to eat nothing for 6 days prior to my first exam in a year!

On the flip side however, this means that since a few days before the exam i had been constantly binging and vomitting. I have only eaten a hot meal in the main kitchen once and the rest of the time i've been snacking then purging. I ate eating with people, so it has become my only option.

Now that the exam is over and the new semester is beginning, its time to return to restricting, otherwise i can't see how my b/p ing can get more out of hand. I still have a lot of weight to lose.

So from tomorrow, i will be returning to normal blogging routines and look forward to hearing from you then.

Thank you all for your messages in the guestbook, i always love to hear what you have to say, even if its just a message of support.

tcstar - i did put some weight on during the hols, and due to my b/p ing and stopping of the fast too early, the weight i originally lost in the week i reported is back on. I have decided not to disclose my weight until im back at my lowest point so far, again. This will hopefully only take me 3-4 weeks. we shall see...

Speak to you all tomorrow.

Poppy XoXo

Three days touching the outer cicles of Hell. Cooling off today. Melodramatic? Probably!

Back for another blog!


I'm sorry it was so long between the last blog and this one. It's just that things kind of went a bit crazy food-wise and now, today its jammed back into it's rhythm again I feel more able to come and write to you all.

It wasn't that it was ever out of rhythm, it was just that i was in the more mia frame of mind as the days went on, and then today it has corrected itself.

I'm not going to sit here and do individual blogs for the next few hours because i think it would seriously take that long! lol. But i will give you a brief overview of the last four days. On the first day i was gutted because i 'tripped' food-wise and purged a little. Then on the next day i did worse and purged again. On the third day i was in torment when i did it again and this time it was a serious purge. Today has been like a splash of cold water to the face. It's been a good'un!

So... CIRCLE 1 - Tuesday

I hardly ate anything but, of course, i slipped up at night. I think, if i remember rightly, i ate a biscuit. I felt so awful for it and immediately tried, despite the fact i find bakery hard, to purge it up. Sucess.

On to... CIRCLE 2 - Wednesday

Sorry these are so short, but i really can't split the days apart. I stick to the no breakfast, no lunch rule but it makes things harder later on. I had weighed myself after the day before and found i'd actually lost a bit. However, despite this reprise at my bad eating the day before, i still greedily pigged out on more biscuits and crackers later in the evening. I purged them too.

Lastly... CIRCLE 3 - Thursday

This day i remember well. That's because i weighed myself and hadn't gained anything. So, that meant i had been let off twice by some miracle and refused to tempt fate my way again. As usual, i didn't eat breakfast or lunch. I went to meet my mum in the nearby city and managed to whizz and do some shopping. I had managed to go into Thorntons and buy a box of chocolates as a gift to my ex-work collegues without getting anything for myself. But before i left, i found legs leading me in the direction of another chocolate shop.

It sounds absurd to say that it was like i had no control and that in my head i HAD to buy the chocolate. It was a compulsion and as much as i was chanting 'i shouldn't' in my head, i still did it. This is typical mia thinking. So i bought 2 large bars and a packet of chocs. So by the time i got home my family was almost home.

I ate the chocolate and purged it. But i got a really painful stomach (like the kind you get when you've swallowed too many laxies). I told my mum i wouldn't have tea so saved myself stuffing myself with more crap. I stayed in my room and just let it pass. By the time it had, everyone was going to bed. Even though i didn't feel the slightest bit hungry, i still opened the chocolates i had meant to give as a gift the next day. After stuffing those, i did the same - purged. Then slept.

COOL OFF- Today / Thursday

So today, i had to bring out the whip and get to grips with the days before. Firstly, i decided i couldn't have that much luck on a third time and stepped onto the scales. Result! Since my last weigh in on the Tuesday, i'd lost 2lbs! I decided i wasnt going to give the scales an excuse to creep back up so i didnt eat breakfast or lunch. After 1pm, i got a lift to the supermarket and bought my tea (veg soup) and another box of chocs for my old workplace. Then my grandma drove me down to my old workplace and went. After chatting for a bit i started walking home (btw. i DID give them the chocs before you start worrying! lol). So by the time i got home i had blisters on my feet because of a bad choice of footwear and id had to lug two bags of straw and a bag of frozen food back! but i made my self feel better by the fact that carrying the bags was working my muscles!

For tea i had half the soup and, i'll admit, half a roll. I'll tell you now, it'll be so much easier when there are no carbs about. When im away, at least i won't be buying it, therefore eating it!

So that's pretty much it for the last four days! not much, huh?

Here's my calories for today:

FOOD SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
half veg soup 115kcal
half roll 122kcal

Snack
nothing 0kcal

Drinks
diet coke 1kcal
small glass ribena no/sug 4kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 242KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

I'm not including the walk because that was basic, and pitiful if its all i can put in as exercise!

As for my weigh-ins, i wasn't sure what day i should start posting them up again. It was originally Tuesday, so i did weigh myself on the Tuesday just gone (lost 4lbs). But i've decided to move weigh in day to Thursday, to keep from messing up the system of WEEKLY weigh ins. So, we'll start with today's weigh in:

LBS GAINED / LOST:

6LBS!

Yes! I'm almost halfway now until im back at my lowest since i started. I've just got to keep on pushing, and who knows, hopefully it wont take a full month for the rest to drop off!

Please give me feedback on my blogs since i never know if you're all liking them or not and if they are at all useful.

BIG NOTE ON TOMORROW! - I am returning to Uni tomorrow and am moving in to a new halls. You can request internet but it's not automatically there, and you have to pay extra for it. So, i might not be able to do a blog tomorrow but i'll get on as soon as possible.

In the meantime, please fill my guestbook - i do check every day!

PoPpY xOxXox

'It's holding me, morphing me / and forcing me to strive' - Hysteria by Muse

Don't you just love this picture? I found it on deviantart and couldn't resist but give it pride of place on my blog!


So...I'm making up for two days here in this blog. The reason i didn't post yesterday was because the day went well. How? Well, i fell asleep early thus restricting my night binging habits, which i have fallen prey to tonight. But enough of that later - i better start from the beginnings.

YESTERDAY / 3RD JAN 2009

A good day! Oh yes! I was really happy with yesterday and enjoyed, in a sort of way, the hunger pangs. I told myself that it only meant i was losing more weight and that i would be thankful for it the next morning when i weighed myself.

It was my last day at work! Whoopee! It's hard, once you have gotten out of the routine of hidding your eating habits, to build it up again. I found this when it came to lunch with the boss. Over the last 2 months, at lunch i've been eating with her in the back room. However, obviously, yesterday was going to be the exception. I made my excuses that i wanted to sit out on the wall i used to eat my lunch for 5 minutes then would be back in. Then, if she asked, i could simply say that i ate outside. Luckily all was ok and crisis overted.

It was onward and upwards as the day flew by and before i knew it we were closing. I had managed to drink just bottled drinks that i knew the cals of all day rather than freely out of my low ribena bottle. The only concession to eating i had made was a low fat shape yoghurt at lunch like i used to do at work.

Back at home, i really felt like skipping tea and was debating whether to do it. When my mum called 5 minutes i knew i couldn't go to sleep fast enough to get out of it by the time they checked so, given that i was safely under my limit, i went down. Before i did i took 2 migrane tablets so that i would feel drowsy when i got back upstairs.

The orange pool of soup that stood awaiting me did not encourage my appetite, but under scrutinous gazes, i ate it. Soon after washing up, i excused myself and went upstairs. The drowsy feeling had hit me but it was sort of a mild tiredness. Not satisfied with the state of sleepiness the pills had given me, i took another. Soon after i fell asleep (meaning i didn't do my blog last night). This stopped me from midnight picking.

Note: Using pills for this sort of thing is not healthy or prooted by this blog. I know what i do with these pills is wrong and could lead to dangerous and harming behaviour. I would never encourage any of you to do the same. Unfortunately, they come too handy to me and i haven't yet given in to using them in this manner.

CAL SECTION FOR SAT:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
shape yoghurt 71kcal

Tea
1/2 winter soup 163kcal

Snack
2xno sugar gum 10kcal

Drinks
flavoured no sug water 7kcal
hot ribena 6kcal
bottle pepsi max 2kcal
bottle diet coke 2kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 261KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 mins walk to work 120kcal

TOTAL CALS BURNED 120KCAL

So - that was my good day. Now comes the downer! Oh Yes!

TODAY / 4TH JAN 2009

I awoke (at 2pm) with a trepidation to weigh myself, eager to see how the day before had paid off. Perhaps i was impatient, i was, no doubt, but i still went. When i stood on i couldnt believe it! From the day before i hadn't lost anything! I was so angry. I should have stuck with it. and my resolve was to do just that but it fell too fast for me to be proud of.

I didn't have much time to think about it, as my sister and i were heading off the the cinema. We had to run for the bus but eventually we got it. At the cinema, it can be a nightmare when it comes to food. I had planned to steer away, convincing myself that you can apprieciate a movie better without background munching. But when my sister bought some sweets, i was already kicking myself for a mistake i hadnt made yet. In the dark, perhaps you think no one can see you and hope that after you've eaten your way through half a bag, that they wont be able to for the next 10 years so you can work it off before the light come up! That's what i was hoping after i ate some of them. And despite the fact i was still concious enough, when the lights were down, to know what i was doing, i was still surprised at myself when the lights came up. I am so angry at myself.

After we came out, we walked to the bus stop, only to find the buses had ended. So we waited in a nearby restaurant for our stepdad to pick us up. By the time we got home, mum was cooking tea. I told her i didnt want anything, to which her reply was 'oh. well you'll just have to have to rosti on its own then'. Thats right - she'd already cooked me up something! Argh! Im not going to miss that when i go away. Although i have a funny feeling that they are not giving me an option on purpose because they know i'll just say no.

Anyhow, not disuaging my guilt, i had to sit down and eat a rosti as well. After that i did the washing up and have been in my room since. I'm seriously ready for bed!

TODAYS CAL SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1x veggie rosti 280kcal

Snack
1/2 bag m&ms 500kcal(ouch)

Drinks
water 0kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 780KCALS

I feel like im walking around with bruises, it feels so physical. You have no idea how painful it feel having to write how many cals were in that bag. It hurts.

I'm looking on the brightside for tomorrow because all my family will be back at work which means i will have the house to myself. I turn this means more time to empty freezers, stock up back up low cal foods and not eat!

Must go 'cos im knackered! Glad to hear from you all - you sound well!

Poppy X*-o-*X

wise lyrics of the week:
it's bugging me, grueling me
and twisting me around
yeah I'm endlessly caving in
and turning inside out

- Hysteria by Muse
(i imagine these lyrics as showing the physicality of an ED, caving in is Ana and turning inside out is Mia)

Boring day i'm afraid...my brains so frazzled there's not even a witty title! oops!

Heya!


This blog is being a right pain, and im loathed to admit that for tonight it had defeated me. That is why i have an old blog picture up and why the writing is not next to the image. Damn Freewebs!

Now, onto today, which has been uneventful im afraid. I got up at the not-so-unreasonable time of 12 midday. I spend most of the afternoon with my sister, messing around. She had had lunch so i didnt have to worry about her bringing it up. We walked into town and i managed to grab some much needed essentials. I picked up a soup for tea, which meant i wouldnt have to panic when it came to eating.

Back home, we spent the rest of the day relaxing, and i spent the time looking up more images to encourage me. Tea was sucessful and i only had my soup.

I told you today was boring! I want to go to sleep soon though because im working tomorrow and its my last day!

Now, i just want to publish a quick note on my WEIGHT. The ticker tape marking my weight (on my profile page) was the lowest point i've gotten so far over these last few months. However, i have not edited it after my recent weight gain. I will not edit it. Instead, i am just going to keep losing the weight (recording it here but not on the tape) until im back where i last laft off. Hopefully it wont take long...

Right here's today -

CALORIE SECTION:

(bum! they've gotten rid of the tables as well!)

BREAKFAST nothing

LUNCH nothing

TEA 1/2 soup 167kcal

SNACK nothing

DRINKS can diet coke 1kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED : 168kcal

Night Night for now, and i'll hopefully speak to you tomorrow with a more co-operative blog!

ps. please leave messages, you have no idea how encouraging they are to me!

Poppy X x X x

Happy 2009 - My new motto: You only get one shot at this year so aim well.

Wow!
I'm actually writing a blog! I hope all of you that have noticed the humungous chasm in my blogs have read my apology? If not, please do - i owe you it.

Anyway, thats the last you'll hear of it from me. I won't mention it anymore in my blog.

On the eve of the new year, i made a promise to become thin. I WILL achieve this. When the clock struck into the New Year, i didn't feel scared, just thankful it had arrived. I hugged my mum, although she would have thought it was because it was 2009! As well as that, I was hugging her then as an apology for all the pain i had put her through in 2008, and for all the stress i would undoubtedly put her through in 2009. It sound incredibly selfish to say i know that my actions with my eating this year will make her upset. I know that, but i also know i can't avoid it. There isn't another option - I was just apologising beforehand.

Fifteen minutes after we raised our glasses to the new year, i was offering up my first purge as well. My pudding hadn't really settled from our late tea, and i decided i might as well cleanse my system now i was beginning again...or did i ever really finish? No - I'm just kicking it up a gear now.

So today, most of which consisted of sleeping began well. The sleeping was the good part! I slept until 1pm then hid out in my room studying for my upcoming exam until 5.30pm. I was constantly worrying about going downstairs because i didn't know what was going to happen about tea. I had avoided lunch, and had stupidly forgotten to stock up on low cal back-up foods for meals with the family. I had also forgotten to throw away all my high cal foods so that they couldnt something out of the freezer and say 'here you go! you can have this!'.

As you can imagine, what do you think happened to me today? Yes - it was a 'you can have this!' scenario. It was not the kind of situation i had wanted. I had managed to stay up in my room when my mum told me that there was 1/2 an hour until tea. I decided to go down when there was only 5 mintues left and heat myself up a weight watchers soup. However, it seems my family had other plans because when i came downstairs they said they had cooked something for me, as i wouldn't come down and find something myself. SHIT!

I ate it dutifully, leaving part of the rosti. I was thankful i hadn't eaten anything earlier. I keep telling myself that i only have one shot at each day in 2009, it only comes around once - if i fail this year, i might as well kill myself now. I know it sound melodramatic, but i really don't see a future if i have to stay at this weight.

That's pretty much all for today. It's going to get better from tomorrow onwards - the dawn IS breaking. Why you ask? Because my mum and stepdad are going away tomorrow and not returning until Saturday evening, and my sister will be out ost of tomorrow. Then Saturday is my last day working at my current stinky job! Yes! No more having to be around food! That just caused problems.

The BEST NEWS OF IT ALL? Well..if all goes well *touch wood*, i will be returning to university in just over a week! Yippee! Goodbye force feeding! And...my own bathroom! What joy! haha!

I am dying to know how you are all getting on with your lives. Please let me know, its been ages since i've heard from you all and feel free to make me feel as bad as possible with your incredible weight loss! lol.

In summary - its not been FANTASTIC today, but i can live with it until tomorrow when i will try to beat it. Also, exercise needs to be kicked back into action which im not doing until i return to uni i think.

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
cranberry and butternut squash rosti 280kcal
small port mashed potato 100kcal
veggies 20kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
a diet coke 2kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 402KCAL

Notes on cal section - I must cut out carbs again. I was so annoyed because i didnt ASK for the potatoes and they still ended up on my plate. Also, i'm sort of guessing with the cals for the potatoes. I cant find any reliable sorces. It was made with only a little butter and skimmed milk. I will keep looking...

Love Poppy xox