Rich, fatty foods are like desnity: they too, shape our ends - Anonymous

Heya all!
Me back at home and now my room is looking like an Aladdin's cave! lol

Im kinda going to use my blogs that i wrote for you while i was away as notes and mush those four days together. Actually, i deserve a slap on the wrists because i was only away for three but i was a little too knackered to write a blog. So i apologise for that!

I left home on Wednesday managing to miss breakfast and promising my mum that i would buy something when i touched down in Bath. Luckily, that meant i avoided the pitfall i made last time of going into the supermarket while on our way to the train station and buying food. Lunch passed by on my 2 and a half hour ride and i used the book i was reading 'Wasted' (mentioned in last blog) as some sort of affirmation for why i wasnt eating. While i was reading it, it would somehow guilt trip me into not wanting to eat. It would have seemed to be the ultimate hypocrasy to sit there reading that book with even a morsel of food on your lips.

Arriving in Bath i took a cab back to the house and spent an hour watching a DVD, getting hungrier and hungrier. Im gonna let my blog that i wrote that day do some of the talking now. Heres what happened next:

I got exhausted so fell asleep for a few hours. When I woke up the pains hadn?t gone. I went for a pee (cos I?d been drinkin loads of water) and weighed myself. Only 1lb lost so far...

As the evening went on I started getting more and more desperate for food, and I could feel my faithful friend, Mia, whispering over my shoulder. Images of warm sweet food flashed around in my head like a glitter ball of torture.

I kept seeing fish finger sandwiches, cake, chips, ice cream with sauce, cheesy pasta and chocolate! Finally I succumbed. It wasn?t even like I carried a conscious awareness of what I was doing. I felt like I was dream walking or like a robot that had been programmed to do something. I just picked up my bag and 9.30pm and began walking down towards the supermarket. Visions of the food still flashing in my mind. There wasn?t even a question that I was going to purge it. It would be The Big Purge.

I sped walked around the shop wildly grabbing at the food in my head, mentally ticking off the list. I picked up extra stuff as I walked around and dumped the stuff at the till. My small consolation from all those calories was that I walked to and from the supermarket.

When I got home I didn?t even take off my shoes. I dumped the stuff in the kitchen, began scoffing a double choc muffin while putting the fish fingers in the grill and dolloping copious amounts of mayo on the bread. I set the oven on and threw half the bag of curly fries onto the tray before putting that in. When I wasn?t shovelling muffin, I switched to a giant bar of galaxy I had also picked up. I took a bowl (to be sick in) upstairs with the fish finger sandwiches, chocolate, remaining muffin, bottle of pepsi max and plate of chips. I put on a DVD to distract me from the compulsive stuffing of my mouth and heavy pain in my stomach.

Eventually I got really sickly full and my stomach naturally heaved it out. It didn?t come in one big go though, and throughout the early hours of the morning I coaxed it out while finishing off the food. Finally after 7 hours of binging and purging I stopped.

I am now really tired although not so upset because I managed to get it all out. Its just typical of me to succumb to my mia tendancies though rather than hold fast.

Here is what I binged on altogether:

• 2 double chocolate muffins

• 2 fish finger sandwiches (4 fingers in each) in x-thick white bread and filled with full fat mayonnaise

• 390g bar of galaxy chocolate

• a large bag of curly chips

• A heaving plate of cheesy pasta (with half a block of cheese on)

• 2ltr bottle of pepsi max
All of this added up to over 5000 calories, almost 3 times the recommended calorie intake

After that i stayed up a bit longer, eventually falling asleep at 6.30am! Yes! My insomnia has gotten so bad, and my bedtimes so out of wack, that im falling asleep when everyone else is waking up for work!

I remember coming in and out of conciousness throughout the day, finally waking up at 6pm on Thursday! I cant be sure whether i just slept alot or whether i had passed out on my bed. But i just remember looking at my clock and thinking 'shit! the shops are closed now!'. I had wanted to go clothes shopping that day to get the next size down in shorts.

Side note: God! I hate shorts! Talk about showing off your wibbly wobbly thighs of jelly to everyone about town! ergh!

The reason i wanted to go on my own is because i cant have mum knowing i went down a size. She has to believe i havent lost any weight otherwise she will start to suspect and pay more attention to the fact im not actually eating much! I will then cut out the labels and tell her it upset me too much to see my size. She will be ok with that because we have done it before.

So, now that 3/4 of my second day had passed and i hadnt eaten anything. Heck! - i hadnt even been concious for it! I didnt have much else to do but get back onto my internet-less computer and continue to watch films. Eventually i, again, dropped off at some obscene time in the morning. I hadnt eaten food that day! yay! Less thanks to my self will, more thanks to a comfy bed! lol.

So, you keeping up? We are on day three now - Friday. This is inspection day when an agent from the letting agency comes and inspects the house. I am waiting for my ex-(thank god!)-housemates to get back.

FYI: I was really good over the days away and drunk LOADS of ice cold water. mmmm! Only problem is that the ice in the bottle melted in such a way that someone who saw it and didnt know, could suspect that evian are starting to give away vibrator-shaped gifts inside their bottles! lol. Sorry about that rude line - i just stooped to a very base level! Who am i kidding?! it was reli funny!

So not one, but both (unbenowest to me!) turned up for the inspection. I was camping in one of their rooms because they had already moved out and werent returning to stay. I wont even begin to start on them because it will take forever and doesnt have anything to do with my ED or what happened food-wise that day.

Suffice to say: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The woman came round had a look and told us what we hadnt done. Only for her to say that she couldnt sign the house off so we couldnt get our deposits back, because i was staying. This is despite the fact that i had let them know.

She left and we tirelessly cleaned for over an hour, doing the jobs she said we hadnt. There was one thing though, that i was a little cringed about when she brought up the things that still needed to be done in the house. She said 'the toilets also dirty, just inside, so if you could give that a wipe round'. CRINGE! how embarrasing. My housemates knew exactly why.

What got me annoyed and, frankly, a little upset was when, after she had gone, one of them said 'Thats really frustrating about the toilet. We had cleaned that really well before we went away'. They said it when i was in plain earshot! 1) Bulimia aside, when i was going to be staying for days at a time did they just presume that i didnt have a crap hole?! Was i just going to hold it in so i didnt spoil their precious toilet? 2) FUCK YOU!! (not you, the reader, of course, but them). I felt like saying that to them. How dare they make me feel ashamed. I couldnt help it and its only a bloody toilet!!

Anyway.... breathe poppy...breathe! They left in the end (with me almost pushing them out of the door i think!). I had a few hours to myself before my parents then arrived. They were arriving and staying the night, then we would all go back, with all my gear, the next day. I was really panicking because they had said we were going to go to the indian down the road, and their food is always so fattening! I mean a poppadum is 65kcals! The safest thing i could of had was yogurt raita (a dip) at 25kcals and that may have looked a bit suspicious! lol.

Luckily we decided on going to Nandos instead. For those of you who dont know what Nandos is, its a portugese place that serves alot of chicken, olives and salad! mmm. I hadnt eaten anything at all that day but i still had my wits about me to order something low fat, but that would avert suspicions. I chose a mixed salad (no dressing), with extra hot chicken pieces. I told 'rents that i fancied something different and 'a mixed salad on its own was just so boring'. lol (i have to lie). I also shared a few olives as a starter. I drank alot of diet coke as well and filled the glass right up halfway with ice chips. Mum kept saying it was nice to see me enjoying eating food for a change. I didnt tell her it was because it was salad and i could cope with that. If it was a chicken burger it would have been a different matter. Bye bye bun! lol

After main course, i excused myself and purged part of my food up in a frothy mess in the toilets. I then came back out and we ordered dessert. I dont know what possessed me to order a vanilla ice cream. I think it was the fact that i knew i was a very good purger of ice cream as i comes out very easily and smoothly. After the ice cream, i excused myself again and threw it up. I came out and mum asked if i had been making myself sick, i looked at her and said 'no!'. She said ok and i think i made a look that suggested that i was a little upset that she had accused me of something so crass. It was then i knew she believed me as she said 'sorry' and i could see in her eyes she did.

We wandered down to the supermarket because my parents wanted to pick up a bottle of white wine. Mum said she wanted some chocolate and wandered over, with me in tow, towards that aisle. She picked up bits: fudge, chocolate raisins. She asked me if i wanted anything and, i dont know what possessed me, but i picked up a chocolate bar. At least it looked like i was eating normal i suppose.

When we got home we all sat in the lounge and had a laugh. The fudge box was cracked open and before i knew it i had eaten a few pieces. I had already used the bathroom excuse twice, again and i would be getting the yellow card. I tried to think of a reason why i needed to go to my room. In the end i said i would go and get changed for bed. Changing, i purged the fudge.

On my way up the bed, i slipped the chocolate bar i had earlier picked up, under my top and said night to my parents. Upstairs, by my computer screen light, i drank my mug of water, and devoid of anything else to use as a sick container, i purged into my mug. It was disgusting and it was my favourite mug, but i just had to get it out.

I played games on my laptop and tried to get to sleep, continually tossing and turning. I watched some more DVDs when i couldnt get to sleep and eventually dropped off around 7am.

When i woke up it was most definitely day, Saturday to be precise. Moving day! I got up and began arranging with my stepdad what was going first, etc. I began to finish doing the last touches to the house and swept the floor (which took me the best part of an hour!). Workin those arm muscles! lol.

All of my stuff only just fitted into the car so, while my parents took the car back, i choo-chooed my way back home. Actually, once i was on the train it was a pleasant experience. I was proud of myself that day - i had missed parents full fry up breakfast in Jolly's store and told my mother i would pick up a sandwich from the cafe on the platform. I had even made up the flavour (lemon tuna with salad) not that she asked! Better to be prepared though!

I managed to finish reading 'Wasted' by Marya Hornbacher. If you read no other book on EDs, read this. I will be setting up a review page so i can give you my opinion on it and lots of other books and movies to do with EDs. I got off the train and got a lift home with my grandma. The rest of the day was spent whizzing (exercise!) up and down the stairs with my boxes trying to evenly disperse them about my box of a room! I nipped downstairs to make tea for my sister and had half a carton of soup...not bad..

Finally i indulged myself with beaucoup da interneting that night as i had been so deprived! lol. Ended up stuffing a chocolate bar later but purged it up into a box. Fell asleep at 6.30am this morning! again! bummer!

FINALLY! WE HAVE ARRIVED AT TODAY! - - SUNDAY!

I was woken up this afternoon by my stepdad - the wake up call 'jobs, jobs, jobs!' isnt the most encouraging to get out of bed! original, i'll grant you! lol. I got up around 1pm and did housework, just telling myself that i can go back to sleep after i've done them!

After the jobs, i decided as he was pottering around the kitchen, it would look good if i made lunch in front of him. I made a cheese and pickle sandwich, took a packet of crisps and a chocolate roll. I went up to my room and found a spare box and dumped all the food in it, put the wrappers back on the plate and took it down to the kitchen.

The rest of the afternoon drifted by in a haze of typing, books and writing. As tea approached i sneaked downstairs and checked out the calorie content of the food on offer. It wasnt too bad - 170kcal for one kebab. If i had a choice i would have just had the salad but i had to make a show of eating.

Tea arrived. I refused the rice and crusty bread. I only put one kebab on my plate and took more salad. I ate quite slowly which was lucky because when i got halfway through my second kebab i must have looked full as well because mum said i didnt have to eat any more. Also the grease fat they had caused on the plate put me completely off.

I couldnt purge afterwards because my family had pudding and i had to stick around for that and the cleaning up afterwards. I know i said that the kebabs were potentially under my daily allowance but the more i can get out the better because less calories.

So, now, im finally getting back into the swing of my blogs again! Tomorrow shouldnt be too bad because i havent got anything wrong and i can guarantee at least one gym session.

I was a little scared earlier on today because i have read more than one account of a girl dying in her sleep from bulimia. I wont give this up, but i think its the fact of it being so real, especially with the pressure on my chest recently. Also when i was little i used to have nightmares of dying in my sleep, i used to think at least if you are dying in pain you KNOW your dying. This doesnt mean im wavering but, i dont know, i just thought id bring it up i suppose. It was just something on my mind...

Do you guys think i shoud go to the doctors about my heart rate (58bm today) and chest pressure, without telling them about my rejuvinated ED? Or play it out a bit longer? Bear in mind im going on holiday in two weeks. Advice please!

So, as an overview, heres how the last 5 days have gone:

WEDS 25TH JUNE
• Binge (see above) at 10pm
- purged all

CALS 0KCAL
THURS 26TH JUNE
• Nothing

CALS 0KCAL
FRI 27TH JUNE
• A salad with strips of chicken (purged some)
• Vanilla ice cream (purged)
• 5 pieces of fudge(purged)
• a bar of galaxy chocolate (purged)

CALS 200KCAL (max)
SAT 28TH JUNE
• 1/2 a carton of soup
• a chocolate bar (purged)

CALS 150KCAL
AND TODAY....

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CALS

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1 and a half kebabs 270kcal
a small salad 10kcal

Snacks
2 x pepsi max 0kcal

TOTAL 280KCAL
btw. i hope you all get the funny side of my title! lol. I wasnt trying to say that we are destined, at some point, to sucumb to fatty foods, i was just reveling at how true that statement is! God - do they shape our ends! lol.

TO LILY: Heya. Sorry you've had a rough time, i hope its going well for you now. Its never easy. Im glad to hear you're doing a website - we will have to start our own ring! lol. re the red bracelet - i sometimes use an elastic band and it helps if you think one day you might go off the rails, then you can ping it when you think of food. I am hopefully going to be posting some pics of red bracelets i've been doing up here soon to see if anyone would be interested in buying them.

Right, the birds are starting to call so i really must go!

Enjoy until tomorrow,

REMEMBER:
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.

Poppy xox

Man can never be free of control, for to be free of control is to be controlled by oneself

Hi all!
- Note: paradox - a word or statement that contradicts itself. Try and work the statement out above, it goes in a loop! And is, i suppose, quite true of EDs.

Well...this is it! The last blog before my fast and three days away! When i get back i expect to see lots of poll replies on the 'paper doll project'.

Today has been a weird day. I suppose its good apart from the end of it.

I went to work in the morning on a bit of gum and, of course, my multi vits!

Work was quite busy so i didnt have much time to think about being hungry. I did feel quite wobbly tho and banged into a few things throughout the day. But then maybe thats me being a dunce! lol

For lunch i told my boss i was going to enjoy the sunshine. I went outside and sat on the wall and read. Another piece of gum.

Unfortunately in the afternoon i had spotted some cut up fruit and nut slice. This is my favourite - and dont be fooled by the fruit and nuts! lol. I sucumbed to 4 pieces today! I'm so glad i walked to work in the morning because they cancelled each other out.

So the afternoon took a bit of a downer as i regretted eating it. It prayed on my mind. When i got home i fell asleep because i'd only had 3 hours sleep the night before! Then i got woken up for tea.

Tea was a corn on the cob and half a carton of soup. I really didnt feel hungry, i think part of it was because i was still picturing the fruit and nut pieces in my head. Anyway, i ate my corn on the cob and half of my half a carton of soup (following me?! lol). Im not joking, i really was stuffed. I took three diet fat busting pills when i got upstairs to reduce fat intake.

Mum then came back home. I, dont know why, reached for a choc bar. It was stupid, and as soon as it entered my mouth i knew i would have to purge it. I swallowed some and threw it up, i also chewed and spat some. However, the chocolate was becoming too thick to get up well so i went downstairs to get more water. I could feel it rising so was trying to hurry...

Cue my mother! I rushed into the kitchen and got the water, only to get accosted by her. She said she wanted to talk about my day and i had to sit. I really was panicking because i didnt want the urge to subside. She just chatted away, veering onto the subject of what ive been eating. She said 'have you eaten anything today?'. I was really annoyed i said 'yes! I had tea, and (sarcastically) i had witnesses!'. She said yes, a few spoonfuls of soup. I said i was full. She then said most people had lunch (me: 'had' - lie), tea (me: 'had'). I said 'ive had those today so whats the problem. She got fed up with me after that and said i could go. I wasnt about to argue.

I went straight up to my bedroom and purged. I had to flush using the water. If you dont know what flushing is or c&s then check out my key which is somewhere in the archives of the blogs. After i got rid of the food i still got acid reflux in my throat which is really uncomfortable cos it makes you think you still have things to purge when you dont.

So, we are up to date now. I am still feeling fat and despite the choc being out and the fruit and nut squares burnt off i still imagine them glooping around in my stomach and making globbules of sickly fat.

Tomorrow is day one of my 3 day fast. Its only 3 days because on the 28th my family are coming up to collect my stuff and they want to go to the indian. bugger! I have been trying to look up calories for the indian but they are all really high! Also i cant exercise in Bath because i dont have gym membership there. I might have to run up and down the hill near my house for half an hour or something.

So, onto weighing - i dont think my weighing results have ever been this far down the page! I am doing two totals/results. Firstly i will show the total based on my weight last weighing day. My second total will be from the point of my lowest weight so far these last few weeks.

Well, i have just wobbled onto the scales...and i cant believe it! it must have been water weight otherwise its a miracle!

TOTAL 1 (COMPARED TO LOWEST WEIGHT SO FAR) GAINED OR LOST:

LOST 5LB

TOTAL 2 (COMPARED TO LAST WEEK) GAINED OR LOST:

LOST 11LB!!

hOw ThE hElL dId I dO tHaT!!!!...

I think i may have to come back down to Earth though, and admit that it is highly unlikely that it was all fat (although my clothes are now being held up by a very tight belt!). I suspect it could have been water weight as i took a colon cleanser and some andrews salts while i was there and must have weighed myself while the water was retained.

Just incase you are double taking, here's my final calorie intake for the week:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
1 piece of gum 5kcal
pepsi max 0kcal
Lunch
2 pieces of gum 10kcal
pepsi max 0kcal

Tea
1/2 a half carton of soup 100kcal
one corn on the cob (covered in salt) 18kcal

Snack
4 pieces of fruit and nut traybake 100kcal
lindt choc bar b/p, c&s
a large bottle of evian 0kcal

TOTAL 233KCAL
Exercise today (v. limited! lol)

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

35 min 2mph walk to work 100kcal

TOTAL 133KCAL

*FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DONT KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY B/P AND C&S THEN PLEASE REFER TO MY KEY WHICH IS IN THE BLOG ARCHIVE*

Right, girlies (and possibly guylies! lol) im afraid we are almost at the end of my blog tonight. Before i say goodbye, i have some information and advice for Cara, who left me a message on the guestbook.

I am going to miss writing to you again. But this time i promise to write down my blog each night so when i get back on you can have a blog reading marathon! lol.

!! MESSAGE TO CARA: I have had a good scout on the net to try and find the answer to your question. The simple answer is that there is no answer! lol. I mean, look at my week and i dont know how i lost it! othet times its so stubborn and i dont lose a thing!

Of course, in a motherly capacity, i would say that your body is still growing and changing. I know thats the last thing you want it to do but you are a healthy weight for your age. You didnt specify if you are already ana or mia but if you havent got an ED i wouldnt advise you to get one.

On the other hand, thats my rant over! lol. All the sites i went on gave me different information. One site says 3 to 4lbs a day, whereas another says 1lb. I would say 1lb a day was more accurate as you get further into the fast. I couldnt find any information on how long it would take to lose that much but how important is it to you?

For example, if you got to the date you said you were supposed to lose it by and hadnt would you stop? Or would you carry on, therefore making the goal date pointless?

I hope you dont think im sounding rude cos im not meaning to! lol. I hope you lose the weight if its important to you, im sure you will. Here below are some sites i found the info from:

http://drbenkim.com/fasting.html - this one is the most useful and has all the information about benefits, weight loss etc you might want

also alot of people post questions about fasting on yahoo answers so if you have a scout about you might find something useful...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Arx2jE7N8782P_5KkNwLtEsjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20060610115621AAWQDLp

Good Luck!

NOTE: I POSTED ANOTHER BLOG TODAY BELOW JUST INCASE YOU'VE MISSED IT...

Right, time for me to go... If you want me to try to answer any other questions then feel free to put them on my guestbook but i wont be able to reply to them until sunday now. Keep up the good work guys and im rooting for all of you.

We WILL all be thin, pretty and free

Poppy

HEALTH NOTE

This is just a quick note as a kind of ps from my last blog.
In the last blog i told you i was getting shortness of breath and tingly fingers.

I looked up symptoms on the internet and what they related to, heres what i got:

• - FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO BREATHE - this could be due to a lack of iron in your blood which helps carry the oxygen to your lungs

- TINGLING FINGERS - this could be due to lack of potassuim causing electrolyte imbalances (i.e. potential heart attacks)

I doubt it is that serious (although i will not deny the fact that these things do happen and anorexia and bulimia are life-threatening and body damaging).

I have started taking multi-vits which i should have really done anyway, this just gives me more motivation to do so.

I have also decided to keep a log of my heart rate every week. This may sound over reactional but if not to just keep track of my body, then the health facts can be used as a log of someones life with an eating disorder or something.

My heart rate now: 61bpm

Another blog coming up in an hour or two.

Poppy

Ana likes to give me hunger hugs. It's just a shame she grips around my windpipe!

Hi guys!
Time to check in again! Can't believe i have to work tomorrow - its gonna suck majorly.

I am pleased to inform you that this isnt going to be the depressing blog that i had predicted yesterday. My luck continues for another day!

I have tried to sleep through as much of the day as possible. I woke up at 1pm and then spent time on the computer and reading. I had a few jobs to do so i cycled into town and picked up a few bits. Before i went into town i checked the kitchen only to see 4 kievs defrosting in the kitchen for tea. Kievs are about 360kcal each! i was desperate not to eat it.

When i went into the superarket for things mum wanted me to get i picked up a disgusting looking wrap in reduced so that a) i wasnt tempted to eat it and b) so that mum would think i had eaten.

I also ended up sneaking into the cheap shop - loads of sweets that you dont see elsewhere and for cheap. But dont worry - i didnt eat any! But i'll get onto that later...

I cycled home. I then pulled a bin bag out of the drawer and started arranging the kitchen so it looked as though i'd had lunch. I got the wrap and threw it in the bin bag, putting the wrapper in the actual bin. I did the same with the cake i was supposed to eat and the crisps. Then sprinkled a few food bits over a plate and put the plate by the sink. I disposed of the bag.

Did house work and downloaded ana songs for my ipod. Mum came home at 5.30 and we went to the gym. This is where the interesting part of the blog comes in. It was going really well, although mum had only said 45 mins as she wanted to go do a little food shopping.

I started well on the bike, then i went onto the cross trainer. I have always found it the toughest of the machines and i burn the most calories on it. I began well but soon i found it really hard breathing. Im not joking - i was having real trouble like someone had restricted half my wind pipe. I had to stop after 10 minutes on it.

I then went on the treadmill for 10 minutes. And when i was on there my fingers on both hands went tingly. I carried on and decided when i was on it that i would tell mum i felt sick (therefore allowing me to avoid having a fattening tea). I would have to say that i had eaten lots of chocolate in order to get her to believe me because she is used to all my binging i used to do, so its believable.

I said that i felt sick and she told me id probably exercised too hard. I did my 50 sit ups then waited for her to finish. When we got in the car she asked why i felt sick. i explained that id eaten alot of choc - i said 'you know how i get?'. She replied 'you havent had tea with us for ages'. She basically moaned at me saying that it was a bad habit and i shouldnt be gorging on chocolate cos it puts me off my tea. She really had a good moan. I just felt like saying that i wasnt being piggish - i was eating really well! I just thought, 'suck it in poppy. you have to do this for ana'. So i said nothing...

We went to the supermarket and i picked up soups. Ive been getting way too excited everytime they bring a new one out! NOTE TO SELF: get a life! lol

It was decided that i would then have soup and the others would have their fattening meals. It was only after i had eaten my soup that it sucked because i had to sit through pudding and a cheese board! boo hoo! I just became very animated and kept a smile on my face. I asked about all kinds of random stuff like what cheeses do they like, and saying 'i love stilton'. Which i do, but i wasnt going to say 'i love stilton, but you really think om going to eat it? With all those calories? My hips would look like two peninsulas!'

I came back on here. About an hour ago i reached for a packet of smarties bites i bought today. However i did not binge them like i am sure you suspected i was about to say! I chewed and spat.

For those of you who dont know about the 'chew and spit', it basically works like this: If you are really craving for something and cant say no, buy/find the food, then chew it in your mouth so you can feel the flavour, then before your about to swallow, spit it into a bag, toilet, bin, etc. It sounds really gros, i know, but it is a great tip for anorexics because it means you taste the food but without the guilt of calories.

So i 'chewed and spat' a whole packet of smarties bites...bar one. oops! I do feel i let myself down there cos they are reli high in cals for the size they are. Anyways, then i went to bed, where i am writing to you now.

ONE DAY TO GO, ONE DAY TO GO!!! (i dont know why, in my head, i was singing that to the wedding march! lol) I am going back to Bath on the Wednesday which means i can fast (properly this time!) for 3 days. Not very long, but my family will come down on the 4th day. bummer!

The last hump will just be tomorrow. I am working with my boss again (you know, the one that likes to make comments about what im eating?). So ive devised a plan to walk till im just around the corner, then sit on the wall so she doesnt see me, and read. Or walk into town for exercise. The tea, i can use the excuse that the soup needs finishing up! yaya - all sorted!

Heres my food gobbles for the day:

(that sounds so sweet! lol)

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 a soup 180kcal
2 x water biscuits 42kcal

Snack
1 piece of gum 5kcal
1 smarties bite 122kcal
pepsi max, bottle of water & diet lemonade 0kcal

TOTAL 349KCAL


EXERCISE CALS BURNED (im not counting my biking)

40 minute hard workout in gym 360kcal

TOTAL -11KCAL
So, another blog done. Tommorrow's blog will be my last one again for a few days. Sorry i keep disappearing but after this trip up to Bath i will always have internet and be here.

Notes for xosexygirlxo: I looked on the newly re-vamped blue dragonfly site but they dont do them any more. I have had a look around myself but its been a bit fruitless (he he - fruitless! lol)

I have been forming a plan for a while now to set up my own area where you can buy ana/mia and recovery bracelets. I will post some pictures of the ones i have made on the site over the next few weeks and then you can send me feedback as to whether they are good or not. You can be my chief approver if you like! lol

...god my blogs are getting longer!

DOUBLE REASON TO LOOK OUT FOR BLOG TOMMORROW!

MAKE SURE YOU CHECK IN!

1) Last blog for a few days 2) Weigh in day!

love and hugs

x Poppy x

Why eat when you can feast? Why cry when you can purge? Why contain when you can liberate!

Boo everyone!


For those of you who can't decide whether my cartoon me is doing a victory dance or waving for help. Either that or I'm in an advert for a Dove commercial! lol. Then let me tell you - its a victory dance!!!!

I have managed to eat nada today! and for those of you who dont speak the language of the obscure then let me clear that up: NOTHING!

Im so chuffed with myself and i know im probably over reacting. Those of you who go on fasts are probably muttering under your breath 'am i missing something or did she just say one day?'. lol. But alas i am celebrating today because im not chancing my luck. Tomorrow will probably be a shit day and it'll all go to pot so im celebrating now! Just watch out for the depressing blog tomorrow night! lol

So - deatils, details! Well, i was awake late the night before so didnt get up until around 1.30pm today. On one hand, this worked out well because i had to be up for when my family arrived back with guests for drinks. However, it meant i had missed going to the carvery with my family.

You may be thinking, 'hey! thats a good thing!' and i was - that was why i didnt go, because i could be asleep and not be concious enough for it to bother me when they said bye. But i know my mum wanted me to go with them. I am finally discovering the horrible side to this: uber amounts of guilt and withdrawal from my family.

I would have really loved to go with them and my mum had desperately tried to persuade me that there was soup on the menu. But i knew i would be worried about the soup, even , because restaurant ones still have loads of cals and mum would have suspected something if id gone for the salad.

Anyway, so that was that! This afternoon ive been doing this and that, mostly this (i.e. interneting! lol). Im also already halfway through Marya Hornbacher's memoir - 'Wasted'. I only began on Friday! Just to cover myself in case mum asked me what id had for lunch i threw away some pate and chucked a roll and stashed a packet of crisps in my room. She did ask and i was covered.

The hardest point came in the afternoon when, because guests were over, so came the delicious cakes! Two cakes were left on the kitchen surface just asking to be eaten and no one would have be surprised if i had had a slice as they all had. But i refrained and it sucked big time.

My mum and stepdad went out for the evening and i had another argument with my sister so i didnt see her for the afternoon. I came back on the internet. Sometimes i think she can see straight through me and into what im actually up to. Its certain looks she gives me, and she always appears as though she is upset with me. Not angry, or trying to correct me, just sad.

When i heard them come back from their walk at 9.30pm i took a chance and hoped that as it was late they wouldnt want tea. To be on the safe side and avoid it, i quickly got under my covers and pretended to be sleeping. This usually happens as it is so there wouldnt be much surprise.

Mum said it was a bit early for me to be sleeping but never mind. As long as i came down and said goodnight to them while they had tea. Damn!

I went downstairs and it was painful to see the food. They had crusty bread, cheeses, grapes and cake. It was so hard not to scoff the butter and cheese but i stood away. They said did i want anything and i said not. They also asked about the cake and i could see suspicion arising if i had said no, so i just said could they leave me a piece for lunch tomorrow. This means i can then throw it when they are out.

So finally i have been on the website updating it a bit for hours! This is the finishing touch - so you punks better enjoy it, cos im starving and tired here! lol

Heres my calorie intake:

'dum de dum de dum!' - im humming! lol

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snacks
2 x pepsi max 0kcal
1/2 a stick of gum 2.5kcal

TOTAL 2.5KCAL

YAY! im really chuffed!

anyways, thats pretty much all for my blog today!

Lastly though, i have just spent the last like 6/7 hours setting up a POLL. It could be really interesting if enough people get involved, and its not the boring 'what is your eating disorder?' poll either! I decided to find out what ana and mia would look like if they were real people.

So many people describe them as enemies and best friends. Even their abbrieviations Ana and Mia suggest people. Basically all you have to do is visualise what your ED (either Ana or Mia) looks like. What would they look like in human form? - i have left some examples in one of the new pages.

THIS IS IMPORTANT - PLEASE DO THE POLL AND GET OTHERS INVOLVED. THE RESULT COULD BE REALLY INTERESTING!

Right, really knackered now and stomach doing the twist!

* Poppy *

btw. thanks for the response lily! it really helped what you said about the binge - im just on tenterhooks until this tuesday for weighing! Hope you are doing well. please let me know.
______________________________________________
What nourishes me, also destroys me ? translated from Latin

Quod me nutrit, me destruit

'the eternal badge of loneliness' - i love that quote. ME. TIRED. SLEEP. NOW. BYE!...

Geez! I cant believe i have left it till this late to write my blog! But here goes...


I suppose my blog, although rather bizzarely, should start with last night. The reason being because, after my blog last night i felt really low and ate a cake bar. I cut myself all over my stomach with a razor. I hurts like hell now but i suppose it makes a change from my hunger pains! lol.

After this angry outburst at myself, i felt calmer and went to bed for 3 hours before having to get up for work again (thank god ive got today off! lol). Luckily, i had a chance to work off that disgusting piece of cake because the manager told me i was to walk down into town and hand out leaflets.

Now..usually i hate this job because i dont agree with the idea of attacking people with flyers that they really dont want in the middle of their perfectly serene afternoon (and busy enough, thank you very much!). Also i was feeling less than sociable after last night.

Luckily for me when i arrived at the place i was supposed to be based not many people were around. Instead i got the much less invasive, nicer job of putting leaflets under car wipers. Bonus: I got to constantly walk around for hours straight! Another bonus (slightly more mundane one!): being in town meant i could pick something up other than the slightly dull diet cokoe they did across the road! woo hoo! lets push the boat out and have a pepsi max! lol.

Anyways, back to reality...

I used all the menus up and still hadnt managed to cover the car park in the lower town. This meant i got to walk back into and out of town later on - more walking! By the time i got back i was knackered.

When i got home at 6.30pm it took alot to get me to the gym and it shouldnt have. Ironically enough, it was my unawares mother that told me i should go. Perhaps she wouldnt have been so forthcoming if she knew...

Oh well! Im glad she is still in the dark! I went and worked out for about 45 minutes (would have done it longer but stepdad was there with me).

The moment i had been dreading was drawing in- mum had planned pizzas for the evening - with dough balls and ice cream! argh! Luckily, she also stepped in and saved the day again (she has been like my ana fairy today!lol - i would love one of those. Anyone fancy making me one, i'll pay! lol). She said i could have soup if i wanted. Brilliant!

I had soup and corn on the cob. Instead of butter though i put uber amounts of salt and pepper on it. It does taste just as nice though and way low in cals for something that fills you up as much as that did!

My only slip up at the table was to eat a dough ball - damn it! I tried going to the bathroom afterwards (told mum i was going to have a bath) and bringing it back up. I couldnt do it without aid so i tried using my fingers (which i something i havent done in months, possibly over a year) and i STILL couldnt get much! bummer!

btw. before i conclude with my cals, just wanted to point out cos i seemed to have careened straight passed the point - the pic above is because i locked myself in the bathroom today so no one could see my SH marks i made last night.

Let me explain: we are a very tight knit family. When it was my mum, sister and I we would always leave the door open and talk to each other in the bathroom. So locking the door is highly unusual in the house. But recently i have been starting arguments with my family just so i can put distance between us because i dont want them getting too close to me.

I dont think i can explain it exaclty, so if anyone wants to jump in here with an explaination (in my blog comments box) id be really grateful!

I dont even like my mum and sister hugging me. I used to love it but recently i just get angry and annoyed with them. Either that or i worry that they will discover something (not in physical shape) but that they can see into my room when they hug me and spot something.

Also, as this is a Eating Disorder blog i ought to be completely honest about things that have been happening in relation to it. Well...i dont know whether this has anything to do with my not eating much at all recently but i havent had my period since February. I usually miss it by a month or two because of my mia. But its been almost 3 and a half months now and i can guarantee im not pregnant and im not underweight.

Whoa! that turned out to be a bigger rant than i imagined! anyways, only a few minutes before 4am so id better hurry!

Calories for the day:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
pepsi max 0kcal
2 pieces of gum 10kcal

Tea
half a soup 150kcal
corn on the cob (hold the butter, uber on the s&p) 18kcal
1 x doughball 45kcal
7 strawberries 5kcal

Snack
2 mugs of fruit tea 4kcal
4 pieces of gum 20kcal

TOTAL 252KCAL

I've cancelled out the cake bar due to the walking i did earlier on. Im probably way off the mark but my calculations say they about cancel each other out.

EXERCISE CALORIES BURNED

45 minutes hard gym work out 400kcal

TOTAL -148KCAL
Right, im tired now so im gonna mosey off to bed. Have a good day and keep up the hard work. You deserve to be thin - a happy whichever way that is.

Special thanks to Lee (from the thinspiration forums) for his encouragement and friendly advice.

Nigh...zzzzzzzzzz

Poppy @------

I'm sick of being sick...but what else to do when the cakes gone down the hole?

Heya...


I'm back!

Its been a weird (almost) week. In fact what i didnt want to happen when i was away, of course, happened!

As soon as i let myself slip when i was away, i started eating. For some bizzare reason i eat less when im back home. I think its because when im in Bath i can eat when i want to if i like and theres no one saying 'you should eat' so tend to seize the opportunity. But when im at home, because people are saying 'you should eat' , i dont! Warped logic! lol

So i ate loads when i was away for the weekend, and i hope all you can forgive me for being so weak. I feel like ive betrayed everyone because ive binged. Im trying to rectify it though.

The fact that when it came to weighing day and i hadnt changed didnt help. I cant believe after being minus cals that entire week i didnt change! unfair!

I spent the next few days there just binging and purging major time. I'd fill myself up with heavy foods like bread, chocolate, ice cream, etc and drank LOADS of cold water then purged it up. I hated that i HAD to do it, i'd prefered to just not eaten but clearly my self will lacked.

Took some laxies as well. Andrews salts are FOUL! its like drinking salt water and for those of you that havent try doing it DONT! eww! If you really have to then at least keep a bottle of ordinary water next to you so as soon as youve swiged to salts, chug down the water to get rid of the taste.

Problem is due to that i gained a few lbs so i got majorly depressed when i was there and am still feelin reli low. I've slept through tea for the last two nights since ive been home and havent spoken much at all to my family. They are getting really anxious and asking me whats wrong. But its not like i completely know - sure its weight, but my low mood is like a strange mist that i cant quite grasp to figure out EXACTLY why i feel low.

Anyways, im trying to get my weight back down. Hopefully it will come off as quick as it had been.

Today had been ok. Still not good enough by my standards but its a start.

I ended up stuffing 2 cake bars really early in the morning and managed to purge at least one up. I went to work today and im getting really pissed off with my boss. Not only did she not let me have a proper break - i.e. made me serve customers while i was still on ym break and told me i coudlnt read during it. But she also commented, half under her breath, when i didnt buy any food from the shop next door (so then i didnt have any lunch). She said 'Any excuse'. Im pissed off because its none of her business and i told her about my ED in confidentiality ('cause i had to put it on my med form) and now shes bringing it up! Luckily im starting to look for another job so fingers crossed!

Steared clear of the samples! yay! Then off home and i was then worried about tea. My mum cornered me in the car and said 'whats wrong?'. She kept saying somethings wrong, what is it? I just said i wasnt sure and then when she persisted i said 'i dont know!'. The last thing i want is for them to be concerned (cue claustrophobic me) and start hastling me.

Anyways, we we got home i went upstairs and fell asleep (convieniently missing tea). Then have just woken up, but must go back to sleep because i have work again tomorrow! poo!

Also, mum came out of the supermarket today saying 'i bought you a hawiian pizza for tea tomorrow'. Bugger! I love hawiian and she knew it thats why she got it. I hate it when people buy you things with a special effort or thought of you because then i eat because i want to please them and feel guilty if i dont. I looked up the calories: 382kcal per half pizza!

Heres my cal intake and exercise for the day then i must go:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
2 x cake bars 1 purged, 163kcal

Lunch
2 x gum 10kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snacks
2 x mugs of fruit tea 4kcal

TOTAL 177KCAL


EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 min quick walk to work 100kcal

TOTAL 77KCAL
Hope you are all doing better than me. I'll be speaking to you again soon.

btw. mucho thanks to lily for her continuing support via guestbook! lol.

Poppy xoxox

A fond farewell for now, and note to self: red bracelets work - someone recognised it!

Im afraid this is adios for a few days, possibly a week!

My housemates have stopped the internet here today (i think it is going to go off soon though) and so i wont be able to blog you until saturday, maybe even sunday!

I really sorry but not much i can do. I am going to fast over the next week so wish me all the best!

Note: I apologise to anyone here who saw a girl on a train to bristol with a red bracelet on and, when noticing what it meant, tried to get her attention and was ignored. I'm sorry! It was me! I was a bit taken aback and didnt know whether it was a genuine or not. lol

Speak soon,

PLEASE KEEP VISITING THIS SITE - SO FAR I HAVE ONLY GOT ONE FEEDBACK! I AM DESPERATE FOR MORE. ALSO THE FORUM HAS BEEN DEAD FOR A WEEK - IM LOOKING FOR AN INSTANT MESSAGING FORUM BUT UNTIL IM SUCESSFUL PLEASE FILL THE ONE WE HAVE.

Thank you, this site really wouldnt be all its turned out to be without you,

Poppy xxx

The highs and lows of the binge and purge - the ultimate BOGOF offer

Hey...


... I'm feelin a little low today so you'll just have to bear with me. I just feel as though i dont care. I dont know whether its because of thinking about going back to Bath. Alot happened there and it brings back happy AND scared feelings.

A quick note to lily: I do write my blogs around 2 - 3am but im in the UK. This means that when im writing my blog for the day it may only be late afternoon for you. Also the date and time at the bottom is bull, i try to change it but it wont let me! However, if you mean that i am writing my blog at 3am, then yes, it is for the day before but as i am still awake it messes me up to think its the next day! lol.

Today feels as though its been really crappy and maybe im depressed because i dont know how to think of it. Or because im on a binge/purge comedown...

I got up and went to work and didnt mind so much about it because i was looking forward to going back to Bath for a week. The morning was kind of dead but i managed to avoid picking at any of the foods.

Around 1pm, our boss said it was too quiet for all three of us to stay so i volunteered to go. I bought a surprise meal for my mum and sister to wrap up and put in the freezer for when i would be gone. I was really happy this morning and it seems like an age ago.

Then my mum came home and we chilled for a bit. I said i'd eaten at work before coming home. Then my mum had picked up the wrong colour card for a project i was helping her with so i insisted i would go into town and get the right colour. I think this is where the trouble came in.

I cycled in only to find the stationers just closed. I was cooking tonight so i asked mum if we had all ingredients or if she needed anything while i was in town. So i went to Tescos.

I knew the main reason i went there was the buy things to purge with. I got a box of truffles, guiliyan belgian chocs and smartied bites. I know im such a pig. It was so addictive because i knew i could purge it.

I got home and immediatley wanted them. I waited till mum was gone then binged on ALL OF THEM! maybe i feel low because im constantly worried i didnt get it all out. Maybe i just wish i didnt do it...

Thing is it usually takes me a while to get it all out and i can be sick for hours in order for me to get ALL of it out. It gets less and less until it stops and i taste acid. But i felt full even though i purged and that really upset me. I think i worried that i had digested all of those calories because my body felt full.

But i couldnt back out of tea either because i had chosen tonight to do a meal. I made lemon turkey with mangetout because it was low in calories. I hated eating it. It must be because i have just eaten a load of stuff and now feel like absoloute shit.

On top of this, in some way i dont want to go back. I do, but my housemates will have left. When im on my own my whole day revolves around sleeping, internet, and eating/purging. It gets really low. Im worried i will get really depressed when i go back. I even feel like crying now.

Then to put the cherry on the shit heap, my housemates told me that they had arranged the 'hand over of keys' date without asking me if i was actually coming back. So i was told i would have to cme back and take my stuff away on the Monday which i couldnt do.

Luckily, i have a contract and i have paid to be there until the 30th so im legally allowed to be in that house till that point. They cant kick me out or take away my keys until after that point.

But the huge bummer which im also angry at my housemates about is that they've cancelled the internet (which i was paying for even though i wasnt there) which we paid for till the end of the month. But because THEY were leaving early they stopped it.

This basically means, guys, that after monday i wont be able to blog you for like 4-5 days!!!!!!! I will save up my blogs and type them like usual and when i get back home i will post them all. I cant believe it!

So here are my shitty-shit (must mend my language - sorry) calories for today:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
2 x squash 7kcal

Tea
lemon turkey 200kcal

Snack
box of truffles b/p all
guiliyan chocs b/p all
smarties bites b/p all
2 x pieces of gum 10kcal

TOTAL 217KCAL

I think i must be on a huge b/p comedown. Now for those of you who dont purge, you are probably thinking - 'comedown??!!! Thats for druggies, dont be silly!'. But it had similar effects.

When you purge you get a rush of endorphins when you get it out. You have like a mini high in your head for a bit and yor are just peaceful and happy. But soon after you begin to come down.

Now im just depressed, really scared and upset about tomorrow, and STILL havent packed my bag! ahhh!

Please pray for me, it will be tough times ahead. Especially as im going to try to fast for the next week. And when im feeling low in that house, bad things always happen, especially as im alone...

boo hoo...

Poppy xxx

Life's a box of chocolates: you enjoy it at first, then it makes you sick

(God! that titles a little pessimistic of me isnt it?! lol. perhaps on my next blog i will begin with a more cheerful note!)


Well, i must admit, today had been a really bizzare day.

Im absolutely exhausted because ive been purging half the day. I'll just start from the beginning...

I got up around 11.30 this morning. Mum phoned me and asked if i was coming to meet her in our nearby city. She works there. This would mean i would have to get the 12 midday bus to safely get there beofre her lumch break at 1pm.

So, as fate would have it, despite getting frantically ready on time, i didnt have any money in my purse to get the next bus. Long story short, biked into town, got money, got bus and arrived.

I met with mum and she asked if i wanted to go for food or just a drink. You can guess which option is went for! .... do you have to ask??!! just drink of course! tut tut! lol.

So eventually we sat down after trailing round shops for a bit and then after a bit mum went. I tolf her that id grab a sandwich for lunch - like i would! lol. Then I did alot of frivolous shopping! The most important thing you need to know out of this trip, though, is that i made a trip to thorntons. I knew even before i arrived that i would end up going there. It was like inevitable.

I went in and spent ages just staring. You stand there and weave an alibi for why your buying this stuff. In the end i came out with a huge box of white chocolates and a meduim box of summer chocs.

It wasnt like i felt disappointed that id bought them or even worried that i knew that later i would eat them. I just kinda felt happy knowing that i could also get rid of them so it was like a treat as long as i didnt take in any of the calories. Then it would be a nightmare!

I got the bus home just as my sister and grandma arrived back. This meant having to sit downstairs a while before grandma went. It was then i started an argument with my sister, i cant remember what about and she only wanted to hug me but when she gets angry she just leaves me alone and thats what i wanted. Why? Because i wanted to stuff and purge. How low is that? I start an argument with my sister just so i could binge without being interrupted. I only realised recently how often i do this so she doesnt come up while im doing anything.

I started on the meduim box. As i ate the first few i realised how many calories were in each chocolate and my mind and body just reefused point blank to leave them in. I had 6 and went to the bathroom and purged them up. The problem with keep having to go to the bathroom is that i dont eat all then purge afterwards because i tend to find you then cant get it all up. I prefer to eat some, purge some. I couldnt keep running to the bathroom every few minutes for hours. So (i know this is sick) i got a bag and was sick into that in my room.

I always find you put a pressure on yourself when your in the bathroom to be sick because you know theres only a feesable amount of time you cant be in there without arising suspicion. The more pressure you put on yourself, the harder it is. So i find it easier to do in my room.

Anyway, i got through the meduim box no problems. Then mum came home and i really wasnt feeling hungry after my purge. Also if i had eaten my body (as it was in purge mode) would have just brought it back up again. So i didnt eat tea and told mum i would eat later.

We went to meet friends and had a few drinks. The staff kept putting biscuits and fudge on our table though. The first thing i gobbled down was two biscuits. After id eaten them i had to purge again so i excused myself to the bathroom. I couldnt believe what i was doing so i blocked it out. The more aware of what your doing means its harder to do. You need to go into a trance in order to get your food up without assistance and couldnt do that when i was focusing on anything other than the rising feeling in my throat.

After the drinks it was 12 midnight and we walked home. Thankfully it was too late for tea by that point so i havent had to eat tea either today. Now bed! Work tomorrow and im just going to have to grit my teeth another day because after that i am going to Bath for a week! yay!

I hardly need to do a calorie/food table today but here it is:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
195g summer choc box b/p all
400g white choc box b/p all
2 x biscuits b/p all
2 x squash 7kcal
2 x sugar free gum 10kcal
TOTAL 17KCAL

Obviously, i never completely trust purging even if i get only water and acid up i always worry theres more hidden there but im pretty sure its all out.

I havent done any exercise today because we went out soon after mum got back.

I told you today has been a weird day. It feels as though ive eaten loads but technically i havent ingested anything.

Hope your all doing well whatever your goal is.

I have to work tomorrow - must stay away from the tasters!

Keep smilin',

Poppy x x * * x x

Poppy almost ate breakfast because of some damn fine lookin weetabix!

Boo!


Its just me! Right now at the beginning of the blog i just want to give a big shout out (shout out?! what am i a rock star!? lol) to everyone who has been letting me know how much they enjoy my blog. It makes it alot easier for me to be strong and alot harder for me to go to sleep at night due to when i write these! lol

So, today like the day just gone (i told you previously i would be repeating myself), i got up at arounf 1pm. My pepsi jazz STILL hasnt arrived - i ordered it on the 26th May!

The day i say that i had a little breakfast i think you are all going to gasp and faint cos i never say i have breakfast! As per usual, today was no different. Despite the weetabix looking particularly tasty! mmm....weetabix!

Anyways, my mum actually agreed for me to have a larger meal for lunch today (much the same as yesterday. In fact, why dont i just copy and paste yesterdays blog into here? lol). I made the food and threw it out like usual then succumbed to a tomato but that obviously wasnt so bad.

My afternoon was going to be ok. I had things to do including jobs which my mum would fume over if i hadnt done. I had just taken an ice cream out of the freezer and eaten it (with the preconception to throw it back up) when i get a phone call. Its Dell! My friggin webcam hasnt been working! I was annoyed because i was gonna post some vids of me webcamin it and see what you thought.

Any ways, cutting right off the point there, point was they clicked away (remote access) at my computer for 2 HOURS! YES! THATS RIGHT! 2 HOURS! I had to sit there and just watch and go 'mm-hm' some of the time. Worst thing was a) they didnt manage to fix it, and b) they want to phone tomorrow for another 2 hours! Its good i'll be out then! lol This obviously meant that while the person on the other end was whittling away to me i was dying to puke! In fact, i did a few times in my bin, but unfortunately only managed to get 2/3 of it out. Damn Dell people! lol

Later on i also sneaked a custard cream! They were my first EVER binge food. Its strange to think of it like that... But no wonder my weight rocketed up! Do you know how many calories in a custard cream? 67 CALORIES!

*I apologise for the excess of capitals in this blog - i must be in one fo thsoe moods! lol*

Ok. I went to the gym with my mum and it was packed so much that i only got 40 mins in. Luckily i cycled to and from the gym so that burned some extra cals.

Tea i had soup again. Then helped mum with her studies.

Now that we've done the talky bit, heres the cals:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
large tomato 15kcal
custard cream 67kcal
Tea
soup 150kcal

Snack
nobbly bobbly P 2/3, 50kcal
1 piece of gum 5kcal

TOTAL 287KCAL

Exercise:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

40 min hard gym workout 370kcal

20 min bike ride, moderate 100kcal

TOTAL BURNED 470KCAL

TOTAL -183KCAL
Whoopee! So far my aim this week - to say on minus cals (burning more than eating) is going good.
Tommorow, im going to meet mum - i think she wants us to eat lunch out and i have no idea where! ahhh!

Like they say in the cartoons and very cheesy films -

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Poppy

Good day and gym equals slim. But not slim yet after seeing that fat!

Me again!


The reason for my title by the way is because i just did the facts page for the site and it really makes me feel sick that picture of that pound of fat! eugh!

Im actually awake enough to get my blog done today! yay! Then it'll be back to normal folks - one blog a day on the right day! lol

Woke up to the wonderful sound of the phone ringing! It was my mum asking if i was up! lol. Well...i was then! It was 1.00pm by this time!

I skipped on the brekkie, as per, then nothing much happened - i just mooched on the internet. This is what the next two days could potentially look like btw because i dont have work and am at home all day!

So i decided as i was doing well i'd miss lunch and, at the same time, secure myself only a small tea. I phoned mum and asked her if we had plans for tea and she said not. I explained that i was going to have my large meal then as i was hungry and carbs sit in my stomach in the evenings, which they do.

I did my usual 'cook-the-meal-then-dump-it' routine but made one slip up. My hands grabbed a lolly on the way out of the kitchen. I mean, obviously not just them cos otherwise i would have some freaky independantly thinking hands! But you know? You dont actively take it and think i want this so i will take it, it just sorta happens.

Anyways i ate it then purged it. I made sure that it was all of it so that was ok. Mum came back home and we went to the gym. It felt really good today, although i was gettin reli posessive over the machines. Like when the one i was going to use next (i have a set pattern with which order i go on them) is vacated early and im still on the previous one!

When we came back mum seemed quite relaxed about food so she had her tea and i said i'd have mine later. I had a soup later and then ended up slipping a few quality streets into my fat mouth!

Quickly, heres my calorie table:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
one ice cream b/p

Tea
1/2 covent garden soup 150kcal

Snack
3 pieces of gum 15kcal
3 x quality streets 120kcal
TOTAL 285KCAL


EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1hr hard workout in gym 470kcal

TOTAL -185KCAL

So, not bad today. Must go now because im desperate for sleep.

Poppy x x x x x x x x x x x

(sorry - i know ott on kisses but i just wanted to try that out! lol)

Weigh in numero 2 and more lbs bite the dust!

Hello!

Back again! Well, i weighed myself last night and according to the scales...

TOTAL LOST OR GAINED:

LOST 3LB

mmm...not as well as i had wanted to do. But then i know why. This week i've eaten more which is never a good sign. At least i havent gained though. Also i weighed myself this morning to double check and i was a 1lb lighter (which usually happens as your body has rested and lost water weight). But i am sticking to the original weight and then next week it means i will have lost lots of weight.

Woke up and managed to skip breakfast even though my mum was there. I think she figured i wouldnt eat it and she didnt want to start off my day in a crappy mood.

Then to work! Im sure you dont want to hear muc about that apart from i found that that is one of the things that triggers me to eat! surprise? I shouldnt be - its a food shop! I have to give people free tasters and they eat in front of me! It sucks.

The day went quick though. At lunch my boss noticed i was only having 2 sticks of gum for lunch (because there is a pokey hole to sit out back and people need to get there to do their job). She said about me starving myself. I said that i wasnt, i just wasnt hungry. AND BUTT OUT! i didnt say that last bit! lol, but i felt like it.

I had to pick up tea for my sister and i on mums orders because it would only be us for tea that night. So i spent ages when there was no customers in the shop, looking at the calories in the one portions (we share a one). Most were horrendous but shepherds pie was the best (200kcal if split).

I had to have it all for tea because otherwise i knew my sister would kick up a fuss. But after i'd eaten it all i couldnt keep it down, it weighed so heavy on my stomach. it was so uncomfortable that i had to purge some but it wasnt much. I also felt happy that i could eat a small portion like that and find im too full. yay!

Another point that i know is kinda gross but i thought i'd just mention is the pain in the ass that is pooing! I dont know whether it is the effects of the laxitives i had used in the past that have weakened my muscles or my continual consumption of gum, but i have no control over it. I get some heads up but over the last two days ive been literally pooing my pants (only twice though). Its a bit worrying! lol.

Here are my calories for the day:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
4 pieces of gum 20kcal

Tea
half a 1 portion of shepherds pie 200kcal
peas 40kcal

Snack
Nothing

TOTAL : 260kcal

I didnt do any exercise because i had to get home quickly to say goodbye to C (mum's fiance - i wont put full name) as he has left for france for a week then i had to get tea. I know its no excuse!

Right, im gonna have to go now because i have to go to the gym and then it will only be a few hours before im blogging you again! lol God! i have a busy life! lol.

Speak soon,

Poppy xx ;p

Whatever you do, DON'T DIS THE PUG! OR IT'LL SET IT'S HUMAN ON YOU!

Stupid fuck-wit computer just decided to close itself down for pointless updates, deleting my entire blog! Its driving me crazy!


Im afraid this means you will not find out the results of my weigh in until tomorrow afternoon so keep checkin in, and i will also update on other things as well.

Must go now and give this laptop and good talking to.
Damn im mad...and maybe...just..a.little.....ti-..r..e..d........z.z..z.z.z.z.

Poppy

Summer's comin and i'm already done in! zzz...lol!

Hi!
Sorry about yesterday - i've been absoloutely zonked by the time i come in from work. In fact, i was very nearly going to leave these blogs until tomorrow, but then i knew that they'd never get done!

I feel a bit better about posting these now because weighing day is over (see next blog for results) and i can start afresh for the week.

Well, as usual i managed no breakfast. No problem. Had a boiler man walk into my room at 9am without knocking!! i was in bed!...but luckily with clothes on! How rude!

Then my sister and I went to our nearby city to meet our mum and do some shopping for birthdays and fathers day. You know how it is!

My sister did mention lunch very early on when we got there, saying we could go to a restaurant we liked and order potato skins. She wanted to have a really nice relaxed day out with her sister and all i could think of was fat on the hips and calories! It makes me feel like crying because i would love to be able to just have it without worrying but i cant. It just doesnt work that way with me. Fortunately, i managed to brush it off by saying i had soups in the fridge and didnt want them to go off.

We met my mum and did some shopping. Shirt and tie for our future step-dad! No time to stop for lunch at that point. After mum had gone though, my sister suggested getting a wrap and sitting in the gardens behind the cathedral. I liked half of that idea - guess what bit!

Before grabbing lunch, we also whizzed into clothes shops. i was brave enough to try on some shorts for my holiday. I was quite disappointed though because i still comfortably fit into the size in am although at least i can do the buttons up on the smaller size. Lets give it another 2 weeks and i should be there! Bring it on!

We were in Marks and when i'd bought the fathers day items, my sister was already in the line and almost at the tills. Obviously it would have looked really suspicious not to get anything and also i didnt want to ruin my sisters day completely! So as the line was so long i went to find a low fat wrap. I thought i got a low fat one and only ate half that wouldnt be so bad, given that i wasnt having much choice about eating it as it was.

I was pushing aside the wraps as my sister was getting nearer and nearer the tills. I couldnt find any low fat ones! Then, i saw her waving and she was next. If you had seen that line, you wouldnt have wanted to line back up too. I grabbed the closest thing to me and paid.

It was only when we sat down on the bank that i took a proper look at the calorie content: 530KCAL! How can you fit that into one wrap?! Thats double my days usual intake in one flimsy bit of flat flour bread! As my sister was glaring over my shoulder though, i had to eat it all.

Luckily, i found an excuse for tea when i got home. Well...no so much as excuse...i just said i wasnt hungry and dosed off. If you sleep they cant ask you anything or interogate you! So managed to miss tea.

Im quickly gonna speed on and tell you my calories because i still have to do todays yet!!

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
m & s caesar wrap 530kcal

Tea Nothing
0kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

TOTAL 530KCAL

Note to all you guys thinking about buying yourself a nutritious wrap from there - DONT! IT WILL BE LIKE EATING LARD! How do they fit that many calories into that small thing?!

I felt so depressed yesterday that i just fell asleep rather than do exercise. So i missed out on that.

Anyways, time for another blog.

Tune in next time!

Poppy x-x-x

Clean, hollow, light...and utterly painful! But with two days to go, measures must be taken!

Wow! Well, its almost two weeks since i started. I feel as though i ought to have done more. You know eaten less, exercised more but we will just have to wait until results in on Tuesday.


Quickly, i hope you like the picture! It wasnt going to, but its going to go in the motivational quotes album, if anyone wants to copy it.

It always seems so easy when you say 'Why didnt i just not eat that? Why didnt i just not eat?'. But man its hard not to eat even for one day!

I have done it before but i forgot how bad it feels to begin with. I've had pains all day and this evening i couldnt sit still because it hurt so much.

Today has been TRES TRES SUCESSFUL! YAY! IM HAPPY ABOUT IT!

My family went out today to see our extended family a few hours away. As i wasnt up, they left me behind. I wanted to be left behind, thats why i stayed asleep. I eventually woke up around 2pm. Then i began to create my new site (i will get to that bit later!). At 3pm, i decided i better make lunch just so mum thought i'd eaten something, then i'd bin it.

Its such an exact procedure to making sure it looks as though you've eaten. I had to cook the jacket potato so they could smell it when they came in. Make sure the end of the cheese slab was grated so it looked as though id had some. Move the salad bits around and cut bits off so it looked as though id had some. I put it all on my plate and made it and cut it up as if i was going to eat it. Reason? so that when i left my plate in the sink, it looked as though i had actually had a meal off of it. But dont forget to put some scraps in the bin, because who eats every single bit off their plate? I cut myself a piece of cake and put it in the black binliner with the lunch i hadnt eaten. Left all the dirty stuff into soak so it looked as though id eaten. Then emptied my bin ontop of the uneaten food so i had an alibi for the black bin liner in the bin outside. Voila! Its not easy...

Anyway, so that was lunch. Then came the hard part. My family came home and after two hours decided to have tea. I acted casual and said id had a big lunch and would have a soup if i really got hungry. My mum still made me sit there at the table as they munched their way through shepherds pie and chicken kievs (not together!lol). It was agony. Then i had to sit there through pudding as well. But i stayed fast.

It has been the evening that has been the worst. From that point i have stayed in my room and avoided the kitchen. I have been spending that time beginning my 'link on' site to this one called the calorie bible. It is because i cant fit all of the foods and nutritional info in the way i wanted onto this site. It would be too cluttered.

You can see it now. It only has the home page and A to B of the fruit and veg but if you want to take a look:

www.freewebs.com/caloriebible

So, ive only come off of it in the last few hours. Suddenly my stomach started being criplingly agonising and so i had to go onto the thinspiration site for support because i was dying for an ice cream.

I think im over it now.... .... lol!

Heres todays calorie layout:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
4 x pieces of gum 20kcal
2 x diet pepsi drinks 0kcal

TOTAL 20KCAL

Now, my lame excuse for not exercising was because the gym was closed today and i got up late. But i suppose there is no excuse really. As my calories were low today, its ok but i will definitely go to the gym tomorrow. If not for the calories (which it will most certainly be for), then for the hot water, because our boilers getting fixed and we wont have hot water for 2 days and they have a shower up there! lol.

Tomorrow will also be a day when i go to meet mum for lunch with my sister. Cue awkward situation - I dont want to friggin eat. I might say that i will have a soup back home. Im sure mum will huff though!

Anyways, must go as im parched!

Keep up your good work whichever way it leans,

Poppy xoxo

FAT DAY! I feel yucky and sick and i wanna curl up and never eat again! :( :(

Oops! Sorry this blog is a little later than expected but i've just finished my 'about me' page - it took ages! i didnt think it would take that long!


Anyway, today: NOT A GOOD DAY!

I told you it was going to be a bad week for me, and I was right. Although now i have my new future-seeing abilities, I don?t think my name quite matches up to the likes of Nostradamus! Hmmm, perhaps I ought to change it?! Lol

But on a serious note, today i just felt as though i wanted to cry. Its been one of those spiral days where one thing triggers another.

I went to work and managed to avoid any temptations. I was doing really well until we spotted a cake that had gone over its date by a day. Even when my collegue said i could take it home i didnt see a problem because id just let my family eat it - i dont find that hard to resist. But then she suggested we both have a piece as afternoon tea. Well, she'd seen me eat nothing for lunch, and she was around the previous day so noted the same. I only had a small piece but as soon as i was eating it i hated myself. So while she was sorting out the store i went to the toilet and tried to purge but i only got a miniscule bit out.

Throughout the next 10 minutes i could feel it rising in my stomach and couldnt resist the urge to lose more calories. So i would be sick in my mouth then spit it into tissue when i could inconspicuously get to where it was. I know that is terribly disgusting, but if we are embarking on this then we must be honest. This is the kind of stuff that does occur when you get an ED - you get rid of calories by ANY MEANS.

Anyway, i wouldnt of had it if she wasnt looking, but it was like she was making sure i ate it! i couldnt get away! So after that she said about another piece later on in the day. Luckily we were so busy we didnt have time.

I also had to pick out a meal for my sister and i, as our parents were going out. i spent ages turning the portions looking for a low number of calories that she'd like too. The lowest i could get that would suit us both was 200kcal (if split in two) for a one portion!

But we didnt eat it anyway because i didnt have tea. Whats the problem?, you may ask. Well...i had more than sponge cake. I seems like the fates were out to get me or something because when i get home my family have saved me up some quality streets. Luckily i manage to give some away but i still have to eat some.

Lastly, my self control finally collapsed when i ate fudge i had stupidly bought at the shop. I had been wanting to buy it for AGES and gave in. Then i ate it all, although i purged some of it back up.

Stinking calorie log for today:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
2 pieces of gum 10kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
piece of victoria sponge P / rtd 150kcal
4 x quality streets 157kcal
150g of fudge P / rtd 400kcal

TOTAL 767KCAL
I cant wait until 16th June because i will be going back to Bath for little under a week so i can fast! and lose more weight and cleanse myself of these yucky yucky fattening foods!

Then im going again the next week so i can keep the fast up! Yay!!!

Mum has told me that tomorrow we (possibly including me) are going to her fiance's sisters and everyone is going to the bridal shop to look at dresses. I am really upset, because of course i want to go! But i wont go when im this size! mum's fiance's sister is tiny, so is my sister and my mum is under average as well. It really hurts. I dont think i'll be up anyway so at least i'll will only half feel bad in my half-comatose state tomorrow morning.

So, thats my depressing news. I feel such a faliure and im sure you are all doing really well on your regimes. Let me know please and send me words of support - i feel i need them right now...

Until tomorrow...

Poppy xxx

The blog that time...almost...forgot!

Heya guys!


So this is my blog for yesterday. I will not talk about today until later this evening with a second blog, no matter how tempting it is! My blog for today will be posted earlier than usual by the way - just to give you a quick heads up on that. It will be posted sometime today around 10pm.

Yesterday was my 'Oh crap! exercsie exercise!' day. Reason? I weighed myself the night before and hadn't gone down much then ate bad stuff!

Oh yes! But it wasnt a binge. I walked to work like usual, which would have burned off some calories. Yet as soon as i started work there was food flying everywhere! Not literally though otherwise that would have just been too much temptation to walk around with your mouth open! And what do you think they'd poop if they were alove like birds? Would the puddings poop chocolate drops? ... erm...! its a funny world i live in. Must come back to earth now! lol

So, my first hiccup (this is, of course, putting it mildly) was to sneak 2 pieces of my favourite traybake. After that i found it really hard to resist especially when i then had to cut up two giant brownies for tasters! I had to leave off the ends because our manager says it looks sloppy to the customers, and it seemed so much like a waste. I ended up eating some of that as well!

After this i felt so anxious and felt i HAD TO exercise. I wanted to dance around the room and jump up and down. Do a few laps and jump over the freezers. I clawing away inside myself to burn the calories off. Luckily i had packed my gym stuff that morning so after work had finished i went straight to the gym and worked off 400 calories.

Then when i got home, there was tea. Luckily it was a low-fat deal. Not that any of these things are ACTUALLY low fat! lol. But i ate half of it then left the rest. After that i was completely knackered. I really couldnt keep awake so decided rather than wirte you a half-comatose blog, i'd wait till i was actually awake enough to write my name!

So heres the body's expense report (you could say...):

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
nothing 0kcal

Lunch
4 x gum 20kcal
diet cherry coke 5kcal
Tea
chicken with veg and cashews in soy sauce 120kcal

Snacks
2 x gum 10kcal
3 x squash 21kcal
brownie 250kcal
2 x fruit and nut squares 50kcal

TOTAL

By the way, you may have noticed that the calories for the cherry cke have gone up. This is due to miscalculation. Its only pepsi max, and coke zero that have NO calories. damn!

I may have overestimated in some of the calories, especially the brownie and fruit and nuut, but i'd rather overestimate and have lost more weight, than underestimate and gain.

My exercise:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

2mph 30 min walk to work 150kcal

1hr in the gym. hard workout 400kcal

TOTAL 550KCAL

So...THE FINAL TOTAL IS: 26KCAL

For some reason i think it making a big difference eating more food and burning it off, than eating less and not exercising. What i'd love to reach is eating less AND burning it off! But wouldnt we all?!

Will leave you with this for now and will be back on later for blog number two!

See ya!

Poppy @------