Blue Nude, Picasso, 1902: My Soul

I could sit and pour my emotions into this painting, or maybe it's siphoning emotions off to me? I can't tell.

This is my favourite painting ever. Every particle of me tingles and weeps when i see this. I think i am right in saying it speaks deeply to many of us with eating disorders. We don't have to see her face to know exactly what she is thinking and feeling. We are her.

This is going to be a quick pit stop blog today because it's already late, i'm tired and i have to get up early tomorrow.

Today has been a good day for me.
In short:
- Ran 5 miles in 1 hour (cross country)
- Binged/Purged 0 times (OMG! Totally unheard of in the last few months!)
- Consumed 204kcals (soup & 3 crackers)

I have been embracing the squeeze of the hunger pains again. It's an easy thing to get un-used to, although it feels like some odd hug whenever i get them. A new sense of anticipation courses through me each time my stomach moans.

Today has been a string of boringness - work from 8am until 3pm, shopping for an hour, home, run at 6pm then tea at 6.30pm.

As i mentioned before, i am off for a few days. Yay! I am looking forward to this, not least because i will be entirely on my own and have my own free will in things. I have already packed caffiene pills and poured a large amount of salt into a sealed bag for flavour. We will just have to see what happens, i'm not holding my breath for my self control!

I am going to part before i say any more and jinx things. I will see you all in a few days time. Please leave me lots of messages and surprise me for when i get back :)

Keep well,

Poppy xox

Ps. For Marie: Good to hear from you again! I know what you mean about a last minute rush - in order to stay on my revised plan of weight loss, i have to lose another 8lbs in 11 days! I'm sure you can do it though, and think of how well you have done so far! What is your eating like at the moment? How many cals are you restricting to, if you are at all? xx

The Bloated Marmot Returns, 2nd edition

[Damn javascript just turned my first paragraph into a load of arrows! Here we go, try number two!...]

Ugh! This is how i feel at the moment. Indeed, if you want to picture me, imagine me like a furry over-bloated marmot wishing its own claws would scratch out its eyes rather than look at the mountain of flesh under its vision!

I have been avoiding retuning to my blog for a while due to 1. Laziness (unacceptable) and 2. Anger and shame at myself (a given factor).

I am currently at 135lbs but i wanted to be so much lower. The weight is coming off me really slow and i know it's because i'm purging nearly all the food i eat. This wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't eating more due to this. So, i am going to have to try and curb my over-zealous eating. Although i am going away on my own for a few days so i will probably 'treat' myself to a b/p on one of the days. I can't really eat anything bt fruit at the moment without purging it, thus my purging routine is about 3 times a day at least. Sucks...

Anyways, I won't go on about today because i want to write a fresh blog tomorrow. I will be away for a few days after Monday, but i'll try to be more regular then. Maybe this is a bit mean to tease you with a couple of blogs before going again, but i didn't want you to get concerned. Thanks anon for your concern - i am ok. No fainting spells! Hope you are doing well? I do hope to see light at the end of the tunnel eventually, however i don't think i'm there just yet. I have tremendous admiration and respect for those who have taken or are taking that step to get support though. They are incredibly brave.

Message for Bonnie: Hi! Firstly, don't panic. I'm not angry at you! I'd much rather you shared you views. I like to think of this blog as a forum where there are ni inhibitions and we can discuss those views closest to us without fear of hurting someone else or scaring them away.

It's difficult for me to try and get my head around this because i am trying to deal with possibly the two closest things in my life - my mother and my eating disorder. On the one hand, i am concerned, almost upset, that she hasn't seen anyone about my eating disorder and thought my behaviour of substatial concern, enough to merit visiting someone about it or expressing her concerns. However, i am also relieved because the ED part of me wants to stay in the dark like some magic trick, waiting until the transformation to be complete before i pop out and shout 'ta da!!'.

My mum HAS had anorexia in the past, so nothing much has gotten around her depite the fact i hide it as much as possible. I placate her by telling her that i'm trying to sort out counselling. I acknowledge to her that i have a problem , i say that i will get help in the future but not yet - 'i'm not ready yet'. I suppose given that i'm not underweight*, and that i'm over 18 and have had this for years, it is very difficult to take the leap to see someone about it. Also, my stint in hospital didn't go too well, and she sees it that hospital wouldn't do me any good. Maybe she is trying to deny it is happening because she is truly scared for me. I don't know.

(*I actually have a smack-in-the-middle BMI of 21.9. A healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 25. To work out your own bmi, click HERE.

Since starting this latest stint, i have lost 4st 7lbs (63lbs), which, if i had started at a normal weight, would most certainly now be classed as anorexic/anorectic. Yet, as i started out in the obese BMI range, it is only now that things are being noticed. I feel such scorn towards peoples change in views between being judged as an overweight person and as a normal weight person. When i was losing weight in the obese range, so many people saw my loss as fantastic and a great improvement. Many told me 'Good Work!'. Now, because i am normal range, people are concerned and telling me 'don't lose too much weight!'. Hypocrites!

Enough ranting! Let me know how you're all doing yourselves. How is your weight loss and eating disorder going? - bad? good? - what defines those??

Hugs,

Poppy xox

You don't realise how far you have walked, until you look back...

Hi.

I can only apologise for the days of silence that have passed. I'm sure with my site being 'down' it may have looked like i'd packed up shop, but i haven't. Mymirrorimage just needed to be funded differently which meant a lack of payment at the time.

It has been a difficult June, mostly because i have been jumping up and down from 140lbs, when i really wanted to be on 130lbs (at least) by now. But i am back under 140lbs and determined to get far under it now.

One of the reasons i chose to write now is because i think i'm still in shock by what happened today, but i realised how 'bad' my ED was. Here's the tale:

My mum knows about my ED, and she even goes as far as emptying out my containers of vomit which i try to keep hidden from her out of shame. I hate her doing this and she will search my room for them. Yesterday i purged about 3 times and filled two containers.

I have one container which my mum knows about and checks, but i have another which i secretly keep somewhere else which she doesn't know about. It's like my backup.

When i got home from work today, i tried to help my mum put the shopping away. I get quite posessive over any food and like to put it away in a certain order or form, etc. When i tried to help today my mum told me to just 'get out'. It really upset me and i'd been feeling on edge for days - wanting to cry but not being able to.

I went upstairs and checked my second container only to find that it wasn't there. I frantically checked everywhere only to realise that mum must have found it and thrown it away. That was the final straw and i just broke down and cried for 30 mins. I was so angry and scared because it was my back up. That's when i realised how far my ED has come - when i'm crying over the loss of a plastic container. I mean, it felt like a rug had been pulled from under me.

So.... Today has been tiring. After i stopped crying, and my mum hugged me, we had lunch. They went out and i purged it. Then i fell asleep for a few hours before getting up and eating again.

Yeah - it's going to get really boring repeating it, but i ate and vomitted a few times. Although the fact my sister is around so much and keeps follwing me is making it frustratingly difficult to purge after i've eaten. I have to be really creul and cold to her sometimes for no reason just to get her to leave me alone so i can purge. I am always sorry that i have to do that.

I am determined to stay under 140 today despite eating and doing no exercise. So i've purged, used a suppository laxative and i have taken 6 laxatives which are probably going to kick in around the time my shift starts at 6.30am tomorrow morning! shit!

Sorry this is brief, i need to get some shut-eye. Hope you are all ok.

I'm scared.

Poppy xox