My Mood is Like a Bouncing Ball, My Heart is Like a Warning Call

    Bliss...
  I'm currently chilling in extremely oversized pyjamas that i haven't worn in over a year, preparing to sleep pre-midnight and content with my latest weight figures, until the morning. Who ever thought worn cotton sweats with an elastic waist could bring so much satisfaction!

  Things were so rushed yesterday, i can hadly remember what i said. It's been a busy few days at work and it's now the eve of my return to my job as a learning support assistant. I had the summer off, but am returning to the chaos that is the 'start of term'. I'm really looking forward to this as the last week has been a load of nothing but mindless binging. The only downside to this is that there is no backdoor to enter from and no paper bag to hide behind - i bet everything i own on the fact that at least two people will comment on my weight. I hate it with a passion. I'd much rather no one noticed, it makes me feel so awkward because people no longer see it as a couple of healthy pounds to look better in a bikini, but start to question what you are doing.

  There were no comments to dodge today, though. This morning i got up and ready for my early morning shift at 7am. As per, i positioned myself by the toaster to keep warm and acted as general stillroom overseer. It was a good thing i stayed in the kitchen as i felt really queezy and a bit wobbly on my feet. If i'd have been rushing around with trays, there would have been a higher chance of me fainting again. There was one point where i felt particularly ill, but i just took deep breaths and had more of my water. By 12 midday, there had only been once when i had flirted with the idea of toast and jam. It wasn't as though i actually considered eating it, but i indulged in imagining myself eating it. The staff lunch was served out, and it looked so appetising. When i overheard one of the girls saying that the sausages were vegetarian, and wasn't quite sure whether i was glad or not that i had run out of excuses not to eat it. I teetered on the edge of having some. However, it soon transpired that the sausages were, indeed meat, so that meant no food for me.

  1pm took far too long to come, and i had to make a trip to the toilet for a few minutes to calm my body back down. My heart had been beating hard again this morning, so hard it felt as though my pulse was racing. I think it was palpitations because i have been getting them on/off and i always feel so tired when i have them. It felt like my heart was going to crash through my ribs. When 1pm finally came around, i made a call to my mum. She said both her and my stepdad were shopping, and they'd see me back home. I was gutted because i really wanted them to wait until my shift had ended before food shopping. I felt like i had missed out on the week's biggest highlight.

  Instead of going back home, i went to my local supermarket and picked up: a paper, a bag of lettuce, jar of crunchy peanut butter, packet of cheesy tuc crackers and a large bag of kettle crisps. It wasn't the worst spend i'd had, but i knew 3/4 of this stuff was pointless and the last 1/4 was part of the shopping sharade of making it look like you are shopping for something other than a binge. I walked home so fast that it hurt my chest, and as i got closer i tried to get quicker. Images in my mind of the food that i'd eat, before my parents got home, flashed in my mind.

  As soon as i got in, i made a cheese sandwich and ate it. I followed it with the following: 1 large bag of kettle crisps, 1 packet of tuc crackers, 1 slice of crusty bread with butter, 10 grapes, 1 Magnum Gold, 2 large spoonfuls of peanut butter and 1 Mango Smoothie lolly. I managed to rid myself of it not long before my parents came back. They bought in the bags, and as i went to hover and help my mum unpack, she asked me to get the washing in. I knew it was a tactic to get me away from being so controlling and ganet-like over the food. I did, but for some odd reason i felt hurt. As you can tell from the picture, my emotions have been way out-of-whack today. I have been feeling extremely emotional about silly little things. The fridge being randomly filled with food in no particular order or symmetry really made me agitated and frantic.

  Once all was put away, i sat and talked to my mum for a while. Then she went off for a run and my sister came back from work not long after. She still isn't talking or looking at me, but we'll touch on that later. When everyone was home and tea was approaching, my stepdad said that they were having a sunday dinner and would i like one, with a vegatarian substitute instead of the chicken. I said yes -  So sue me! I was hungry and i believed there would be some leeway for me to purge it afterwards so i took the opportunity.

  I sat and enjoyed the meal like i hadn't had a hot plate of food in years! I covered it in gravy and devoured every bit, although i did take longer than everyone else at the table. After main i felt stuffed, but i still squeezed in desert which had me clawing to purge. I did the washing up asap, then got the washing in without making a fuss before sneaking upstairs. I had been really quiet after the meal and i couldn't focus on anything - i couldn't even make conversation. I was far away and impatient with sitting through my sister's stories, which i used to listen to with complete ease and interest. My mum knew i'd purged when i came back down.

  I also avoided being downstairs because my sister made me feel so upset i couldn't bear to be near her, lest i cry. I try to say nice things to her and all she does is glare and snap. When she is in the room with me, it's as if a mist fills it up and it clings to everything and brings it all down. I just have to get away. And yet, when we were talking about going out for a meal on the night before she leaves, i said i'd come and she sounded genuinally happy and said quietly, 'yay, good'. I said yes because it's her last night, and i know that it would upset her if she knew i'd purged my food so i'm going to try to be good and not purge. I don't know how but i don't want to let her down or make her upset. I will also pay for my own to stop myself feeling guilty as cost, or waste thereof, incase...

  I guess she's just confused. Hopefully things will get better for her back at university. She was going to refuse her potato rosti for tea today because it's carbs and that worried me. Although she didn't in the end, i don't like this new interest in fats, carbs, etc. I want to slap her for doing it to herself and becoming so involved in it when she can see what it's doing to me. Hopefullg being around less calorie-inclined friends might help her get a better sense of balance.

  I weighed myself and am still at my lowest point, though no lower. I have set up all my clothes for tomorrow morning. It's probably my luck now that i go in then find out i don't work Mondays! I have decided that on some of the days off i have, i might try and get down to the hotel gym where i work. It's free to staff members and the hours are really flexible. It means i can get in there when my family don't know, so i can keep on exercising. Otherwise i'm just going to get depressed and lethargic. Not to mention the fact that i could shift the lbs quicker, and up my liquid intake if i exercised, as i wouldn't have to worry about water weight if i'm exercising more. Although i will start taking my vitamins again, as i'm hoping they will help reduce the dizziness and palpitations a bit.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE #1:
  1 Cheese Sandwich
  1 Large Bag of Kettle Crisps
  10 Grapes
  1 Slice of Crusty Bread with Butter
  1 Magnum Gold
  2 Spoonfuls of Peanut Butter
  1 Mango Smoothie Lolly
  1 Packet of Cheesy Tuc Biscuits

  TEA / PURGE #2:
  1 Cheese and Broccoli Escalope
  1 Potato Rosti
  Stuffing, vegetables and gravy
  Apple Pie with Ice Cream
  Rocky Road Chocolate Bar
  1 Spoonful of Peanut Butter

  TOTALS: Unknown
 

   To Bonnie - You are right, of course! I suppose it is easier said than done, and hopefully some day i will be able to show by doing, not telling. I have decided to write her a letter to explain some of the things she might find harder to understand. I don't necessarily meant the biology of it all, but why sometimes i'm quiet when i am and why some things upset me, etc. I will obviously mention in there about her behaviour and how it sometimes scares me. It seems that non-face-to-face communication works best for us. Weird...

  Wish me luck with work tomorrow, and cross fingers that i don't faint on my first day back!

  X Poppy X

  Place guesstimates below on how many people are going to end up commenting on my weight loss

Busy Day...and i'm not just talking work

  Right, i've got to try and bang this out in 10 minutes! Given that most of my blogs take me around 40 minutes to write, this is going to be the equivelent of doing a wedding cake in the time it takes to do scones! Well...you get the picture.

  I am going to skip straight ahead to today:

 1)  I'm back to my lowest weight. Although i'm really dreading that this won't be the case tomorrow morning. Read on to see why (*Poppy lifts her eyes to the heavens and rolls them*). Typical me day i think.

  2) I went to work at 7am this morning, prepared to do the long shift of 7am until 2-3pm. I was ok with this as i figured it would be good as i was walking around a lot and burning calories. I was going to avoid the food there which wouldn't be so bad as my cravings had been ok in the restaurant recently. By midday, we were all really tired and i strained to avoid the staff lunch of cheese on toast and chips. I decided to go to the local shop and get a bottle of drink. Of course, i ended up walking back rustling like a walking crisp bag! I had bought 2 packets of crisps, 1 oreo packet, 1 happy hippo, 1 large bag of m&ms and the pepsi i had originally gone in for!

  3) The function lunch dragged on in the afternoon. The first slip up was with 1 mini tart, then after that it was ll downhill. The starter was cheese souffle, and it looked amazing. Once everyone on the tables was served, we had a few extra portions that are simply left out the back for staff. I was hungry, and i ended up scooping up bite after bite of the delicious sponge. Even though others were leaving it and saying it wasn't very nice, i loved it - it wss like ambrosia. Of course the guilt set in after that and, as the others were beginning to clear the food, i had to sneak off to the toilets to purge. There was no worry about the main because it was meat, but the pudding was the next problem. When the other girls took theirs to the back room, i automatically followed. I ate all of it then headed off again on the pretext of having to do an errand. Again to the toilets to purge more.

  4) In the end i was completely drained. I didn't finish work until 6pm, so i ended up working 11 hours!! Now  i've got to get some sleep because i am working breakfast and part of lunch tomorrow as well.

  5) I stashed some fudge in my bag from the leftovers on the tables, then went home. I went to my room and ate some of the snacks i bought earlier and the fudge, before jumping in the shower and purging them. By the time i was out and dressed, it was time for tea and my grandma was over. This meant no sidestepping tea with the family. I ate without complaint, but, as much as i tried, i couldn't avoid purging afterwards.
  Everytime i eat, i always ask the question, 'do i need to purge?' afterwards, but i almost always feel i have to. I guess i have no backbone against my ED at the moment. I should really because the amount its effecting my health is only increasing. My eyes are really dull, red and yellow - if i lift my eyelids, i can see the difference between the clear whites and the dull part, and it's really horrible.

  6) To finish my erratic narrative, on top of purging my tea i finished up most of the snacks bar the m&ms. I felt awful that i couldn't stay downstairs with my family and enjoy being with them. Out of all things, i think thats what i hate the most about my eating disorder.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE #1 / PURGE #2 / PURGE #3:
  1 Mini Asparagus Tart
  1/2 Cheese Souffle
  1 Lemon Tart Slice

  SNACK / PURGE #4:
  1 Packet of Doritos
  1 Happy Hippo
  Leftover Chocolate Fudge

  TEA / PURGE #5:
  1 Piece of Bread with Butter
  Quorn Chicken Style Piece
  Lots of Mashed Potato
  Beans and Lots of Vegetable Gravy
  1 Magnum Gold

  SNACK / PURGE #6:
  1 Packet of Mini Cheddars
  1 Packet of 6 Oreos
  1/2 Packet of Hotel Chocolat Batons

  TOTAL: Unknown

  Got to go, I'll reply to you all tomorrow- promise!

  X Poppy X

Watch This Space

  [Insert Blog Here]

  Well, i'm totally tired and totally flunking out of today's blog. It's already really late and i've got a double restaurant shift tomorrow- back to back!

  I will post today's blog tomorrow afternoon, then post tomorrow's blog in the evening as usual.

  Sorry if you were expecting my post, i'll be back once i've got some kip and tackled tomorrow :)

 

  X Poppy X

H.U.G.E.R because of H.U.N.G.E.R

  I must warn you i'm in a rather stroppy mood today. Think this is an inevitable combination of tiredness, sisterly bickering and crap music currently playing on my itunes. Hold on...

[Thumps her keyboard buttons with a bit too much vigor, music flicks from one song to another, eventually one is chosen]

  Right, that sorts out music for another 3 minutes! See - this is why it takes me so long to write these things. I dither over pictures for about 20 minutes and then i get fussy over my music while i'm writing my blog! Hopeless!

  For those of you who are completely bewildered by the picture above, it is from the extremely popular childrens book, 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar'.

The story in a nutshell -

Day 1:     The hungry caterpillar eats through a single red apple
Day 2:     The caterpillar eats through 2 green pears.
Day 3:     The caterpillar eats through 3 purple plums.
Day 4:     The caterpillar eats through 4 red strawberries.
Day 5:     The caterpillar eats through 5 whole oranges.

Day 6:     On this day, the caterpillar devours his way through many, different foods including; chocolate cake, ice-cream, a pickle, swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, a cherry pie, a single sausage, a cupcake , a whole slice of watermelon. The caterpillar then gets a stomachache as a result of eating all this food.

Day 7:     The caterpillar eats through a single leaf, which makes the caterpillar feel better. The caterpillar then forms a chrysalis and becomes a butterfly.

  I didn't bring this up to provide you with some easy bedtime reading, obviously. It's just today has been a continous mountain of eating and i have really felt like i'm the caterpillar on day 6. I remember reading this book when i was little, marvelling at how much he ate. Now i am the caterpillar. Even after i had finished eating the last meal, i was craving something else, something different. My hunger was insatiable. Unlike the caterpillar however, tomorrow is also looking bad on the food front. Hopefully i will get onto day 7!

  Even when i got up this morning, i had a feeling it was going to be rubbish. My weight had stayed exactly the same. Although i hadn't gained, i was hoping to get back to 119lbs again. It was already 11.30am, which meant 2.5 hours before meeting my grandma. I didn't even bother waiting until the polite time of day to start making lunch - it all got thrown together, in the over, in my mouth. I pushed down a cheese sandwich while cooking wedges in the oven. Once they were done i almost burnt my mouth trying to eat them so quick. Not finished yet, i ate an ice cream followed by 4 slices of extra thick toast with butter and marmite. Of course, i was staggering the purging as i was eating the food. The whole process was like some foul bulimic marathon, and it wasn't until it was almost 2pm that i realised i would actually have to wipe the drool off my chin and make myself presentable.

  At 2pm, my grandma came round and we went out to the local cafe. I had to make a pit stop at the supermarket in order to get some money. Despite the fact the cash machine was free, i stil bought 2 chocolate bars and asked for cashback. The chocolate felt like insurance. At the cafe, I knew that i was safe with a diet coke, and low and behold if i didn't find that was exactly what they had run out of. Of all things - what place runs out of diet drinks??! I just had a tap water. A little while into our chat, my grandma said she fancied a piece of cake and i said i'd get it. When i went to order, my mouth said 2 pieces before my head could intervene. Even as they were putting the pieces on the plates, i regretted my slice and wished i hadn't. I ate it quickly, then squirmed in my seat, eager to get into a cubicle somewhere. I even stood up prematurely when my grandma was still talking. I felt awful, but more concerned about what the food inside of me was doing. 

  When we got back home i tried to get rid of the food with little luck. So i tried to encourage it out but drinking and eating the chocolate i had bought from the supermarket. It worked, and soon i was back in the kitchen eating my way through 4 crackers and crisps. Things were getting desperate in the kitchen, as i was foraging around for any food that was remotely tasty to eat quickly. I think i would have licked clean a jam jar if there was one around!

  Just as i'd purged the crackers and crisps, my sister came home from work. We chatted for a bit and she seemed in a better mood today. So good so far... I quickly caught up on cleaning, trying to sweeten the parents up so their moods aren't prematurely off before we even approach the subject of food. This subject inevitably gets mentioned almost every day of our exsistance. What made me freak out was that today is was my sister who said she didn't want a jacket potato because she wants to cut back on carbs as she has a 'puffy round face'. I have never seen her pay so much attention to fat and carbs before and i'm really worried. I want to shake her and say 'You see what it's done to me? Don't do it! Don't do it!'. Are my fears justified or am i overreacting you guys? Please give me advice...

  My mum came in a little later and said i looked low. I didn't feel all that low, maybe quiet. In truth, i'm not quite sure what feeling is right any more - i've got nothing to measure it against, no sense of normalicy from which to guide my emotions.  At 7pm, my family all went out for a spin class and i was left alone. I was meeting up with a friend at 8pm, so there was no need for me to even pretend to eat. However, my body was still hungry and it confused me. It had no idea why - why should it be hungry when i've had all that food? Why can't i subdue it? I cooked a quick meal in the microwave for 10 minutes and scoffed a roll and chocolate bar in the meantime. I purged it all as fast as possible, but was still almost late for my meeting with my friend.

  I tried to sip my diet coke slowly, hoping that the liquid would somehow disappear instead of settling in my body and ticking up the lbs on my scales. We chatted until 10.30pm then left. With everyone in their rooms, i sneaked to the bathroom to do one last weigh in before tomorrow morning. I had pushed up another lb. But i'm hoping it's just water weight, and am holding off the despair until tomorrows verdict.

  FOOD DIARY

  (Please be kind...)

  BREAKFAST:

  Nothing

  LUNCH:

  Cheese Sandwich

  A Plate of Wedges with Salt and Sauces

  1 Solero Ice Cream

  4 Slices of Toasts with Marmite and Butter

  SNACK / PURGE #2:

  1 Piece of Carrot Cake

  1 Turkish Delight Bar

  1 Dream Bar

  4 Crackers with Cheese

  1/6 of Bag of Root Crisps

  SNACK / PURGE #3:

  1 Small Baguette with Butter

  30 Grapes, Mixed

  TEA / PURGE #4:

  1 Portion of Vegetarian Meatballs and Pasta

  1 White Roll with Butter

  Twirl Chocolate Bar

  TOTAL: Don't want to know!!

  Sarah - Bless you! <3 Thanks, it means a lot these chats. I think that they help me to come back here, and, no matter how ashamed i am of what i've done, i feel as though i will find understanding and acceptance with you all.

  I know what you mean about family and avoidance, although i sort of envy you for having a family that doesn't talk about food. I'm fed up with mine being so obsessed with it, it upsets me so much.

  Kristina - Never mind about last night. At least it was :/ instead of :'( ! As you can see, i'm now finding myself on one of those tough stretches of having to lose weight i've already lost, albeit only a couple of lbs. Hopefully it will come off easy, especially with the busy weekend of work i'm about to have! lol - also, read my blogs whenever, that's what they're there for! :p

  Tomorrow has many obstacles: clothes shopping, freedom in a large town with many food shops and meeting a friend who knows about my ED. Ah!

 Hugs please :)

  X Poppy X

The Driving Force

What is the driving force of my life? 

This blog is a little delayed today as i've been procrastinating, doing everything other than writing this. I've just finished watching the film 'Sylvia' and now my bum is going numb, so i'm going to try and write this as quick as possible. Sleep is definitely looking inviting now!

  At 7am i vaguely remember my mum coming into my room. I dared her to look in my bin, because i had purposefully not purged in the bin so it wouldn't incriminate me. To my disappointment she didn't, only said goodbye. When next i woke, it was 11am. I stood, wobbled a bit too much and had to sit back down. I got up again and went to the bathroom. I was prepared for an almighty crash of lbs since i ate yesterday and didn't purge. I closed my eyes and was almost weeping for the mercy of the scales as it ticked over the numbers.

  The verdict was in - up 1lb! Even though it was an increase, i was still happy. It was a manageable amount to lose quickly - no problems as all. I could get back on track without too much trouble. I relocated to the kitchen just in time for lunch. I cooked more cheesy pasta (same as yesterday) then followed it up by 2 magnum ice creams. There was an element of guilt when i purged, that hadn't been there yesterday. I knew what i was doing and the fact that others were away at work worrying that i was doing it. Drug addiction is so the right way to decribe it - it was a compulsion and there was no decision in the matter: I would be bingeing and purging.

  After i'd purged my lunch, i really wanted to b/p the chocolate orange i had saved, as well. But i decided against it, as it was getting close to my driving lesson and i didn't want to faint again today, when driving!! I was still a bit shaky this morning, but tried to drink more. A lot still found its way out with my purging though.

  I went out for my driving lesson 1-3. There were points where i felt tired but i wasn't really bad, and i definitely didn't feel faint. It went really well and i made sure to take a bottle of drink with me, which i sipped on the way round. This was probably a good idea given that the car was hot and i was thirsty.

  Soon after i'd got in, i stuffed the chocolate orange and a brown roll, then spent the next 30 mins flushing it. My sister came home at 3.30, earlier than usual. Luckily everything was tidied and in order. She didn't speak much to me and seemed cold, and then she went back out at 4pm. Half an hour later i got a call from her asking for me to bring her bank card because her other one wasn't working and now she was stranded at a till. So i had to march into town with her card.

  We met mum as she was in the supermarket. She was picking up bits for tea and said did i know what i was having for tea. I just said that i wasn't sure yet. She is clearly picking up more food to entice me now, as she chose the extra thick white bread which i love instead of the thinner bread which i suggested on the reasons that it wouldn't go to waste. There were so many things my hands were itching to pick up in there, but i couldn't. I kept saying 'i'm sure theres something i was meant to get', and i think it's just because i'm so used to buying chocolate that it feels like i've forgotten something if i don't get any.

  When we got home, mum said tea was probably going to be at 7pm. I managed to worm out of the question of 'are we going to eat together?'. It's not that i mind the eating together part, but i don't want to eat the food then meet opposition when i want to go up to my room (and purge). I'd rather not eat, although it's bloody hard for a bulimic not to when its being offered right there.

  I went to my room and at 6.30 i was offered a tomato as a snack. I did fancy it, but thought that it would would just be extra calories to add onto my tea later. It would be best to save it till another time. I went back to my laptop, and when i next looked at the time i realised it was after 7pm. I came out of my room and went downstairs to find my family eating their own tea.

  I always feel a sense of betrayal when this happens, as i have usually spent the last hour or so revving myself up for it. But at the same time, i was so thankful - it was like a get out of jail free card. I sat with them and tried to keep the conversation going so we weren't left with an awkward silence where everyone realised poppy had no food to fill her mouth. It was quite painless today actually, and at pudding no one metioned the lost magnums.

  The only upsetting part of the tea was that my sister wouldn't look at me. This has been happening for a few days now. She has ignored me, snapped at me whenever i try to talk to her and looked at me as if i'm a piece of poo. She is really angry with me. Anger is always her default emotion with anything. I try to understand, but i'm finding it increasingly difficult to not get angry myself. I'm not quite sure what to do. I've talked to my mum, and we decided i'd email and write to her, as we tend to say more to each other when it's not face to face. Hopefully it'll help.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH:
  Small Plate of Cheesy Pasta with Tomatoes
  2 Magnum Ice Creams

  TEA:
  Nothing

  SNACKS:
  1 Chocolate Orange
  1 Brown Roll with Butter

  TOTALS: Unknown
 
  PS.
  Bonnie - I suppose seeing a doctor about fainting would make sense, i did consider it for a moment. Although i've already seen her once, so i'm just waiting on another appointment now. Fainting on your own is the most scary, as you realise no one would have found you for a while. I'm sure you remember the blog where i had fainted 3 times? That was the most scary, but it wasn't in front of people. That actualy feels more out of control than doing it in the privacy of your own bathroom.
  Yeah, i know it's not all about weight. It is all my purging, but i guess it's my ED mentality taking over, and making excuses.
  Good luck with shifting your weight - i hate plateaus with a vengeance! So often you break into bingeing, instead of remaining strong like your supposed to do! Let me know what you eat and how it's gone...

  Kristina - Sorry, i miss your message on the previous blog! I think you read my blog just as i'm writing a new one, so i always miss your messages. Well, not this time! haha! Good job on losing the 9lbs - at least now you know it'll be progress all the way. I find the hardest thing is building motivation to lose weight that you have recently gained, because it never feels like progress! How have you done today? Broken through the plateau? I think half of weight loss must just be 'flatlining' (good way to describe it!) every few lbs! :P

  Sarah - I know what you mean Sarah, no offense taken. I wish i didn't purge, but i just can't an alternative at the moment. Families can be pains or comforts depending on all sorts of things. Do you mean your family avoid talking about personal things on purpose or your just not very close?

  So, now i'm going to snooze.
  Glad you're all good. By the way - HAPPY 1ST SEPTEMBER!

  x Poppy x