The Driving Force

What is the driving force of my life? 

This blog is a little delayed today as i've been procrastinating, doing everything other than writing this. I've just finished watching the film 'Sylvia' and now my bum is going numb, so i'm going to try and write this as quick as possible. Sleep is definitely looking inviting now!

  At 7am i vaguely remember my mum coming into my room. I dared her to look in my bin, because i had purposefully not purged in the bin so it wouldn't incriminate me. To my disappointment she didn't, only said goodbye. When next i woke, it was 11am. I stood, wobbled a bit too much and had to sit back down. I got up again and went to the bathroom. I was prepared for an almighty crash of lbs since i ate yesterday and didn't purge. I closed my eyes and was almost weeping for the mercy of the scales as it ticked over the numbers.

  The verdict was in - up 1lb! Even though it was an increase, i was still happy. It was a manageable amount to lose quickly - no problems as all. I could get back on track without too much trouble. I relocated to the kitchen just in time for lunch. I cooked more cheesy pasta (same as yesterday) then followed it up by 2 magnum ice creams. There was an element of guilt when i purged, that hadn't been there yesterday. I knew what i was doing and the fact that others were away at work worrying that i was doing it. Drug addiction is so the right way to decribe it - it was a compulsion and there was no decision in the matter: I would be bingeing and purging.

  After i'd purged my lunch, i really wanted to b/p the chocolate orange i had saved, as well. But i decided against it, as it was getting close to my driving lesson and i didn't want to faint again today, when driving!! I was still a bit shaky this morning, but tried to drink more. A lot still found its way out with my purging though.

  I went out for my driving lesson 1-3. There were points where i felt tired but i wasn't really bad, and i definitely didn't feel faint. It went really well and i made sure to take a bottle of drink with me, which i sipped on the way round. This was probably a good idea given that the car was hot and i was thirsty.

  Soon after i'd got in, i stuffed the chocolate orange and a brown roll, then spent the next 30 mins flushing it. My sister came home at 3.30, earlier than usual. Luckily everything was tidied and in order. She didn't speak much to me and seemed cold, and then she went back out at 4pm. Half an hour later i got a call from her asking for me to bring her bank card because her other one wasn't working and now she was stranded at a till. So i had to march into town with her card.

  We met mum as she was in the supermarket. She was picking up bits for tea and said did i know what i was having for tea. I just said that i wasn't sure yet. She is clearly picking up more food to entice me now, as she chose the extra thick white bread which i love instead of the thinner bread which i suggested on the reasons that it wouldn't go to waste. There were so many things my hands were itching to pick up in there, but i couldn't. I kept saying 'i'm sure theres something i was meant to get', and i think it's just because i'm so used to buying chocolate that it feels like i've forgotten something if i don't get any.

  When we got home, mum said tea was probably going to be at 7pm. I managed to worm out of the question of 'are we going to eat together?'. It's not that i mind the eating together part, but i don't want to eat the food then meet opposition when i want to go up to my room (and purge). I'd rather not eat, although it's bloody hard for a bulimic not to when its being offered right there.

  I went to my room and at 6.30 i was offered a tomato as a snack. I did fancy it, but thought that it would would just be extra calories to add onto my tea later. It would be best to save it till another time. I went back to my laptop, and when i next looked at the time i realised it was after 7pm. I came out of my room and went downstairs to find my family eating their own tea.

  I always feel a sense of betrayal when this happens, as i have usually spent the last hour or so revving myself up for it. But at the same time, i was so thankful - it was like a get out of jail free card. I sat with them and tried to keep the conversation going so we weren't left with an awkward silence where everyone realised poppy had no food to fill her mouth. It was quite painless today actually, and at pudding no one metioned the lost magnums.

  The only upsetting part of the tea was that my sister wouldn't look at me. This has been happening for a few days now. She has ignored me, snapped at me whenever i try to talk to her and looked at me as if i'm a piece of poo. She is really angry with me. Anger is always her default emotion with anything. I try to understand, but i'm finding it increasingly difficult to not get angry myself. I'm not quite sure what to do. I've talked to my mum, and we decided i'd email and write to her, as we tend to say more to each other when it's not face to face. Hopefully it'll help.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH:
  Small Plate of Cheesy Pasta with Tomatoes
  2 Magnum Ice Creams

  TEA:
  Nothing

  SNACKS:
  1 Chocolate Orange
  1 Brown Roll with Butter

  TOTALS: Unknown
 
  PS.
  Bonnie - I suppose seeing a doctor about fainting would make sense, i did consider it for a moment. Although i've already seen her once, so i'm just waiting on another appointment now. Fainting on your own is the most scary, as you realise no one would have found you for a while. I'm sure you remember the blog where i had fainted 3 times? That was the most scary, but it wasn't in front of people. That actualy feels more out of control than doing it in the privacy of your own bathroom.
  Yeah, i know it's not all about weight. It is all my purging, but i guess it's my ED mentality taking over, and making excuses.
  Good luck with shifting your weight - i hate plateaus with a vengeance! So often you break into bingeing, instead of remaining strong like your supposed to do! Let me know what you eat and how it's gone...

  Kristina - Sorry, i miss your message on the previous blog! I think you read my blog just as i'm writing a new one, so i always miss your messages. Well, not this time! haha! Good job on losing the 9lbs - at least now you know it'll be progress all the way. I find the hardest thing is building motivation to lose weight that you have recently gained, because it never feels like progress! How have you done today? Broken through the plateau? I think half of weight loss must just be 'flatlining' (good way to describe it!) every few lbs! :P

  Sarah - I know what you mean Sarah, no offense taken. I wish i didn't purge, but i just can't an alternative at the moment. Families can be pains or comforts depending on all sorts of things. Do you mean your family avoid talking about personal things on purpose or your just not very close?

  So, now i'm going to snooze.
  Glad you're all good. By the way - HAPPY 1ST SEPTEMBER!

  x Poppy x