The missing piggy in the rhyme: This fat piggie ate and ate until there was none

Back again!


The picture on the left is pretty much what im feeling like right now. I feel disgusting and sick and ive been beeing sick the whole of this afternoon on purpose because i dont want to be fat and look like a walking lard block!

This morning i had no choice but to get up early due to the fact my tesco order was supposed to arrive. I got dressed at 8am then dosed off before it arrived at 11am. I managed to get lots of jelly and hot chocolate. When i went back upstairs i got a seering sharp headache quite different to the dull pain of a normal headache. So i took some syndol and tried to get back off to sleep for a little while because it was the only way to get relief from the headache. When i woke up again it was 2pm. The headache was still there which worried me slightly but i decided i couldnt stay in my bed any longer.

I did the necessary jobs around the house then came back up to my room to go on the computer for a bit. I felt good for not having anything so far to eat. But i had ordered chocolate brazil nuts and a roses tin to keep. I wont make excuses or apologies for the fact i then binged and purged it all. I cant because i think an excuse only counts when theres exceptional circumstances and i do it so often that an excuse doesnt cover it. I did it and im not proud of it, but as long as i didnt ingest calories thats all i care about.

I spent the rest of my afternoon slowly making sure i purged it all up. Eventually my family came back but my parents have been out a few hours and im hoping i can go to sleep before they come back wanting tea . My stomach is so achy and i hurt all over. I just want to sleep it off and hope that it doesnt have too much effect on my weight. Im taking the 72 hour pill still and you can lose up to 14lbs in 3 days on it so im hoping it will at least curb the effects of my binge/purges.

So, due to this strange day, there's not much point in doing a calorie and exercise section because ive not 100%ly ingested anything today and yet ive binged/purged so i have little idea how much ive actually taken in. Also im still out of action when it comes to exercise due to being ill at the mo which is really getting on my nerves.

Im just feeling generally fat - this is not a good thing when im so near to my goal. From how much i weighed this morning, im only 2lbs off being another BMI level down! And 11lbs off of my halfway point!

I must go now as i want to get to sleep and cry off my painful stomach. I want to tear it out so much!

* Poppy *

I may be sniffling and a little down from my binge, but i'm not shifting - I WILL GET THERE

Hi Everyone!
I know i missed a blog and it sucks but thats just an echo of these last 2 days for me!

I've got a stinking cold, a cough, a sore throat so bad i can hardly speak and im getting migranes most days. Its really horrible...and my mum still makes me eat! Perhaps i ought to come down with a sick virus as well - what i wouldnt give for one right now! lol

The only problem with being ill especially with a cold and cough is everyone tries to give you remedies and drinks. However, this does not help when you know that something like a honey and lemon tea may not have many, but it STILL has calories in it! So im not having anything that might be more cals than im currently having or that will jeapoardise it.

Apart from my lengthy list of viruses at the mo, the other reason for me not writing was the fact that my eating has slipped these last two days and, what with being stuffy and everything, my family wont let me go out and exercise. Ive already been told i wont be able to go with them to circuit training tomorrow but i also know that i havent lost as much as i wanted to this week and need to go. Otherwise i will turn back into a lump, and that CANT HAPPEN!

I think i may have come down with all this gunk because i have forgotten to take my multi vits, etc for about 2 weeks now! oops.

Anyway, onto the last two days. [I've just had to back-track 3 paragraphs because i realized i was writing about friday! oops! lol]Well, from the way things began on Saturday i thought it was going to be a good day. I went to work like i usually do and when lunch came along i sat on the wall the same as always and dutifully ate my shape yoghurt (75kcals) and Pepsi Max can (1kcals).

Towards the end of the day however, and im loathed to admit it, i sneaked a few pieces of flapjack. I was mortified but we then got really rushed off our feet so i had no time to sneak away to the bathroom and alieviate my feelings. I went home feeling dirty and unsatisfied by my greediness. I always think there's a horrible place in between a binge and restricted control which is worse than either of the extremes. This being so, when i do eat over what im supposed to, i tend to think 'why stop?' and use the opportunity to gorge then purge my food. It sounds wrong but its just a habit ive got into. Either complete control, or comeplete anarchy.

When i got home, i decided to have soup for tea and try to make amends but it was too late. When i was offered some garlic ciabatta bread i caved - rightly knowing that every single part of it was something i couldnt have - the bread, the oil, the butter...

I followed it all up with a large bowl of vanilla ice cream then went up to my room. As quietly as possible i puked as much of it up as i could manage and ended the session with a bar of choc i bought by accident earlier in the week. By the end i was slumped on my bedroom floor feeling like a complete pig. I hated myself. I then tried to get off to sleep as soon as possible, to save the disgusting feelings of fat seeping like butter around my thighs and belly.

Sunday (today) arrived with me not feeling much better, both in a fat way and in the virus sort of way! Mind you, i did not get up until 2pm, which i think i only managed to get away with because i was 'ill'. By this time, my mum and my stepdad had just come back from the grocery shop - i was really disappointed that i missed it though because i LOVE going food shopping. But never mind - i went online and ordered my food and its arriving tomorrow! yay!

So the actual productivity of the afternoon (i.e. what i actually did) is virtually non-existant. The day only seems marked by meals. Thats not to say there was many of them, just that its the only solid (haha) thing i remember about the day. As it moved nearer towards 3pm i hoped they wouldnt ask me about lunch but they did. I had to pretend that 'whoopsy! did i forget? Silly me!' and cheerfully make myself a cheese sandwich with crisps. When i started towards the stairs both of them said 'you're not going upstairs with that are you?', so i said no, i just wanted to get something.

I had to leave my sandwich downstairs and decided if the mountain wouldnt come to mohammed, then mohammed would go to the mountain. Instead of being able to take the food to my room and siply bin it, i would have to take something to the sandwich in which i can 'bin' it. I hid an large envelope inside my laptop case and took the case and laptop downstairs. However, then my mum decided she would do the ironing in the living room and set up the board. There was no way i was going to escape this - the only time she went out for a few seconds, i pulled off a bit of the sandwich and put it in the envelope, but that was the only chance i got. For the rest of the time i had to slowly munch my way through the ENTIRE sandwich!

Afterwards i went upstairs but by that point it was too late to purge, and a crusty sandwich aint the easiest thing to purge! believe me! Just quickly let me pull you out of sync with the days happenings to let you know im on a new slimming pill. I havent taken hoodia for about a week now due to my scattiness, but a new pill i ordered has just arrived. Its simply called the '72 hour pill'. Theres enough in a bottle to last you 3 days and you're supposed to take 5 (!) before breakfast and before lunch. I never eat breakfast so i do lunch and tea. Its supposed to be a diruretic type effect however i havent gone to the toilet incessantly today! I dont know if its working yet...

Back in time with today, time moved on and before i knew it tea was coming upon us. I decided to make it an early tea rather than wait until 8.20pm when my parents would have theirs. I hoped that my sister wouldnt have hers with me then i could bin it all and pretend id eaten. However she said she'd eat with me. So we sat down together and i had to eat the second pancake as instructed otherwise it would go out of date. Luckily tomorrow its stirfry - so v low cal! The only positive about tea was that i managed to sneak in salad instead of veggies so it was slightly less cal.

But whatever effect that had i ruined, because my mum had just bought a whole host of new ice creams. I ate a bowl of ice cream then this evening ive had another 2 lollies. So basically for a few hours this eve/night ive been purging as much out as possible and i can definitely say the ice cream is all out at least, and part of my tea.

At one point i was contemplating pushing it into a bigger binge phase and b/p ing the ice cream tub. However i decided it was probably best to weigh myself before then i might be able to gain some control over my situation. Luckily, despite everything, i have still lost (whatever its down to) and so i decided not to binge. Tomorrow sees a return to restricting. Ive got to - otherwise without being able to do any exercise i could baloon! :z

Im looking forward to when my order arrives because ive ordered lots of jelly - so low cal and yum! Ive also ordered more hot chocolate sachets which im stock pilling at the mo. I havent had a hot choc in a while because ive been binging so its not a treat, just making things worse. Mind you - the delivery man will probably be wondering what the hell kind of person orders what i have! lol

RANDOM INFO:
Song addicted to today - 'I Dont Care' by Fall Out Boy
Film to watch - 'The Dutchess' starring Keira Knightley

Im going to get some kip now because the delivery is arriving very early tomorrow - thats not to say i wont go to bed after it though! lol.

x Poppy x

Depressed and angry - why doesn't anyone believe me?

Hey. Its not the end of the day yet but i thought id slip you a blog now because im feeling reli low and want to get to sleep as fast as possible before my mum comes home and moans at me some more.


This morning i woke up at 7am to go to the class, only to find i had an uber bad sore throat. Whether this was to do with all my purging last night i dont know but it reli hurts. I also had a raging headache and knew i couldnt do the class well if i was feeling shit, so i sent a message to the friend who was going to pick me up and went back to sleep.

At around 8.15am i heard the doorbell go but thought nothing of it. When i got up, i had a shower and my grandma arrived as per our arrangement to go out for the afternoon. I listened to the message and it was my mum telling me our friend who was going to pick me up for the morning classes came over but didnt get a reply when she came round to pick me up. She clearly hadnt got my text i sent her. I phoned her up and apologised and she said she never got a text message.

I got dressed then my grandma and i had lunch. There was no way i could get away with not having lunch so hoped that i could get away with tea today. Why does every meeting with a friend have to involve food? It sucks! Anyway, we shared a soup and that was all i had.

Then we drove up to the cinema and watched 'The Duchess' with Keira Knightley. My ultimate thinspo! I really enjoyed it and recommend it to everyone - keira is such great inspiration! I steered clear of the sweets and just had a cup of coke zero.

After the film, in which i had not thought of my hunger pains once, we drove back home and shortly afterwards my grandma left me. It was then i craved ice cream, but decided to take a detour and substitute it with a healthy jelly pot instead - 9kcals! I think i just wanted something cool for my throat because at the moment it feels like its on fire!

Suddenly i realised we were supposed to be having fajitas for tea. The ingredient of a fajita with the most calories is the flour wrap, so i decided that i would go buy corn wraps. When i mentioned it in passing mum snapped at me and said i could have gone to get it earlier in the day because 'you have had the whole day free'. I defended myself and said actually i have been out. When i bought up the fact i had phoned our friend and explained the situation from this morning, she shouted at me and said that i shouldnt ask for favours from her again because i let her (our friend) and her (my mum) down. I tried to explain but when i said i felt ill, she huffed really loudly and said 'yeah right!' sarcastically.

It was then i decided i HAD to get out of the house - i just had to. I didnt care anymore, i didnt want food, i hated it and my mum - I JUST HAD TO GET OUT! So i rode my bike up to the supermarket to get the corn tortillas (just in case) and a drink and a magazine. Then i cycled up to a secluded spot where not many people go and sat on the bench for half an hour and read the magazine. Eventually i rode home and have shut myself in my room, got changed and gone to bed. I need to go to sleep now before she gets back because then i dont have to have tea and i can miss out on her shouting at me.

So, for now, here's my day's stats, but i will update you if any other developments occur either this evening or tomorrow.

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
potato and leek soup 160kcal

Tea
Nothing so far... --

Snack
Pot of jelly 9kcal
1 piece of gum 5kcal
Drinks
large coke zero 0kcal
2xcans of pepsi max 4kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE 178KCAL

EXERCISE:

Nothing really apart from the bike ride...

My mums home. Must go speak soon

Poppy xx

Hanging my head, but not by the neck - abad day due to no progress, pangs and a big binge!

It's safe to say you wont be bored by today's report - however this is because i cannot call this day 'another good day' more like 'another binge/purge chaos day'.


Oh yes! Its been one of those days!So buckle up girls and guys - today was a bumpy ride!

The purpose of today was to go to one of the best places to shop around- a big city about an hour and a bit away from my town. Despite waking up a little later than i had wanted to, i still decided i was going to go anyway.

When i woke up i went through a number of jeans as i always do, to see which fit still. I discovered i could fit into my size gap jeans which were one of my goal jeans! I was so chuffed that i decided to wear them!I got on the bus around 12.30 and enjoyed an hours bus ride - just me and my thoughts. I get a small spark of thrill running through me like electricity current when i travel off to somewhere - like an adventure! I was so excited to be doing it. I hadnt had anything to eat and remained throughout the afternoon, quite happy to chew on my piece of gum.

I bought a pair of pyjamas a size down (and even they are lose on me!), two new work tops that were two sizes down - even though they are a smidgen too tight, by Christmas they will be lose on me again! I also got a new duvet set :). I picked up some chocolate for my sister and a bar for me which i was quite happy with leaving be - it was something i was going to save. I did some food shopping in marks and sparks - stir fry, veggies and i got some vegetarian meals. THese meals are good if i need to make it look to my family that im eating more because they look more substantial however i check the calorie and fat content to make sure its under my limit.

This whole week i'd been on tescos and sainsburys grocery shopping, constantly putting foods in and out of the baskets - making good shopping baskets and binge shopping baskets. One thing that i could never quite remove was a treacle tart. So when i saw a treacle tart in m&s, do you think i could resist it? No. I bought it along with the other bits. My plan with it was to split it into 6 and c&s it over 6 days - a piece per day. After my hours of shopping i got back on the bus and gloated at my purchases. My back had been giving me major twinges all day and felt really sore and it occured to me it only does that before a period!

Excuse me being so personal for a second but this is the 2nd time that i think i might come on regularly and its horrible! I dont want it this often! lol. It amazes and scares me that im coming on regularly now - i prefered it when i was irregular i think! lol.

Anyway, when i got home my back was giving me such bad twinges that i decided it probably wasnt best to go to boxercise. Plus there was delicious looking treacle tart in my bag. I decided that if i weighed myself it would put me off eating it. When i weighed myself i hant lost anything since the night before! A whole day of hunger pangs and i didnt lose a thing! After that i lost it, i just threw caution to the wind and decided to binge.

When my parents had gone out, and my sister safely shut in her room i turned my ipod speakers up high and, after stuffing the entire tart to the point of not being able to swallow it any more, i purged it back up. To ensure that i got all of it out, i used my fingers a few times, and even though i hate it, it works to get all of it out. Luckily the music drowned out my gagging otherwise there would have been questions!

Then my parents came home and we cooked up our meals. I had bought a new vegetarain meal - cous cous, lentil and feta buckwheat pancakes: 1 pancake per serving. It was lovely! I really enjoyed them! My mum brought up the question of carbs and asked if i was eating any - i lied through my teeth and said i was eating bread for my sandwiches and pasta which i had for lunch sometimes. I soooo dont! As i had binged on the tart, i wouldnt allow myself a hot chocolate or jelly.

I went upstairs then around 9pm there was a crach downstairs. It was only when we saw our stepdad run out into the street that we went into the conservatory and saw that some youths had smashed a rock through our conservatory window! im sorry but - BASTARDS! So i had to phone the local police and give them details but nothing will be done. It shook us up a bit though - we are a bit worried they will start robbing next! :z

Afterwards i came upstairs and in the spur of the moment binged on all the chocolate bars i had bought today. I had also bought some custard which i b/p as well. When i purged i also felt alot of my tea coming up so i have no idea how many calories i have actually consumed today! Im now knackered and worried about my weight and annoyed about the early start tomorrow because that only leaves me with 5 hours sleep now! nooooo...

CALORIE SECTION:

(seperate list below for binged/purged foods)

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0ckal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1 cous cous pancake 230kcal
veggies 60kcal

Snacks
1 piece of gum 5kcal

Drinks
1xdiet coke 4kcal
3xglass of water 0kcal
1xbottle of still flav water 0kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL 299KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

Walking general 200kcal

CALS BURNED TOTAL 200kcal

Right, im gonna have to go because i feel absoloutely shit after that purge and i feel as though its all still in me even though i cant get any more out. Im scared to weigh myself!

Wish me luck!

x Poppy x

Another good day! lol. Inside joke - read inside...

Wow! Another day gone and these 'good day' blogs must be getting really stale! I almost feel bad to keep coming on here and reporting the same news - 'another good day!'. lol.


Well, you may yawn, but it has been another good day and hopefully im on track for a good amount of weight loss this week!

This morning was another late one - and despite the laziness of this - it actually works quite well for me because i just sleep through the hunger pains. When i finally did get up, i distracted myself with the housechores - double yawn! As time moved on i realised i hadnt eaten and discovered i didnt WANT to. Over the last few days, my WANT for food has just disappeared. Its like my body craves it but the personal emotional want for the food as gone. I was pleased by this and decided that it would be a good time to spend a few hours on my new site.

As part of it, i've just set up a new interactive page which allows you to see the life of someone with an ed and 'interact' with it. It is my own i have used and for it to work i needed to take pictures of ALL of my stuff to do with my ED. I dragged it all out and tentatively went downstairs to take photos. I couldnt believe it but i was shaking i was so scared someone would come home - because i couldnt move it all on time. Luckily no one did and i managed to get the pics and move it all away again.

It was almost 6pm, and my mum came by and picked me up for the aerobics class. I know it sounds awful but when the instructor mentions how many calories we are burning i get a little flicker of satisfaction at how my intake is probably less than we are burning! I have moved up a weight/dumbell group now so im quite pleased because my arms are a very little less flabby now.

Back home, i managed to get away with another day of stir fry veggies and to make things better we ran out of soy sauce so i didnt have to put any on! Then i managed to leave some at the end - i was just so fed up of eating and didnt want to anymore. yay! I, sadly, think today would have been a very different story if my mum had bought 2 boxes of lollies today because they are the ones im always binging on. I so wanted one but when mum asked if i would want one i said no so she got a box for 3. But i have to stay strong - the scales will be lighter for it.

I decided tonight would be a good time to try out my plan 'no binge'. This involves having a low cal snack/drink of my choice so that i dont find myself binging in the night - because im an insomniac. So decided to have a low cal hot chocolate tonight. I actually apprieciated it much more now that i allowed myself it and that i knew it was within calorie limits. Options hot chocolate rules! However, i only allow myself the hot chocolate that i have another one of because i want to have all of them - im starting to horde i think! lol.

Right, now heres the layout for the day:

CALORIE SECTION:

btw. hot chocolates are counted as snacks because they are too calorific to be counted as drinks and i have them as a snack in the evening

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/3 stir fry veg 40kcal
4x spray frylite 4kcal
1/3 tin of sweetcorn 20kcal

Snack
low cal hot chocolate 33kcal
2xpieces of gum 10kcal

Drinks
1x pepsi max 2kcal
1xglass of water 0kcal
1xglass of s-free squash 6kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL 115KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hour hard aerobics session 600kcal

EXERCISE CAL BURN 600KCAL

So - another good day! lol. Thats pretty much all for now...

Please feel free to check out my new site, when this one goes down in about 5 months time beautyisbones.com will take its place. In fact im starting to use the blog over there but i wont permanently leave this site until the entire of the new site is up and running which will be at least another 2 months.

http://www.beautyisbones.com/

Thanks,

Poppy <3

Just about made it this week. Next few weeks it's time to push for the halfway mark! yipee!

Back for another day, and today was my weighing day. I woke up with a determination to push for even the littlest weight loss before this evening and its turned out somewhat sucessful...

POUNDS GAINED/LOST:

LOST 2LBS

Now im only 1 stone (14lbs) off of the halfway mark - its just all about perseverance and pushing to get there. I really want to get down another size (at least) before Christmas. Then as soon as i go back to uni, it will be 'bombs away!' and i'll be able to really push for my goal weight. I cant wait for January - i'm getting so impatient! But ive still got another dully boring 10 weeks of work left to go. Thats roughly - 30 days of work! snooze!

It still isnt good enough to only lose 2 lbs, but im pleased from the perspective that i managed it in 24 hours. Now, before i give you an account of what has happened today, i must say i cant speak for long because my stomach is really hurting and im scared i will 'give in'.

I woke up in good time for work this morning as i had a few things to do. One was cashing in a cheque, which it turned out i couldnt do in the end. Another was to go into the local supermarket and, as well as pick up my bottles of drink for work, get some more sugar-free jelly. When i got sweet cravings after tea, i just had one and the cravings went away. I didnt even binge, and the best part - a pot is only 4kcals!! yay! So, i picked up another jelly pot and finished my walk to work.

NOTE: Never buy ordinary jelly - its very deceiving. Ordinary jelly is approx 80kcals per pot, whereas sugar free jelly is 4kcals a pot. Its a huge difference - so look carefully on those labels before you munch!

Time went quite quick - and i havent touched the tasters in weeks now! It just doesnt register on my radar for the moment. Also as it was busy, it provided a welcome distraction. At lunch, i did my usual of sitting on the wall outside and ate a yoghurt. It sounds disgusting, but i always dip the spoon and lick the bottom of the spoon so as to make the yoghurt last as long as possible.

Eventually when the day came to a close, i got a lift back home and by now the stomach pains were kicking in. This is usually because my body knows its going to be the biggest meal out of the day and it trys to sabotage my mind and take advantage of this binging opportunity. Today was stir fry and the last thing i was in the mood to do was throw sauces, noodles and quorn into my stirfry. i just wanted a simple vegetable stirfry. Mum had made me mad over finances, so she could see i wasnt in the mood to argue and left it.

I have discovered that the easiest way for me to get through pudding is if i leave the table and wash up. I am still in the room as they lead into one another, but it means i can get away from the table and all the chomping! After tea, i came upstairs and have been doing more work to my new site! It now has the poll up and running and a creative writing page! I just have the important pages to do now - recipies and the react, 'tips', etc pages.

Around 1am (when i should have gone to sleep!) i couldnt resist my hunger any more. I really fancied a piece of crumbly quiche or an ice cream. When i went downstairs though, i was stopped by own concience. Instead i noticed a pot of jelly and allowed myself to have it under the promise i would have no more for the rest of tonight and that i would buy more of the stuff. So i havent! But now my pains have returned and i want to go to sleep before they hurt too much!

Here's my cal intake / exercise for the day:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
a shape yoghurt 75kcal

Tea
a small portion of stir fry 40kcal
4xsprays of frylite 4kcal
1 1/2 tbsp soy sauce 10kcal

Snack
1 piece of s-free gum 5kcal
1 pot of s-free jelly 4kcal
Drinks
2x pepsi max bottles 4kcal
1 mug fruit tea 2kcal

CALORIE INTAKE TOTAL 144KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

Walking briskly to work, 40 mins 100KCAL

EXERCISE CAL BURN: 100KCAL

Right, thats all today folks - im SOOOOO tired so im going to mooch off and sleep off these stomach groanings until tomorrow!

Love and luck to you all!

xx Poppy xx

Keep going because the end goal is worth it

Well, the week is almost out - only tomorrow dividing me from an unmoving number on the scales. I know it will move - its just me eating too much and not exercising enough. I've got to try and come up with more charts, diaries and ways to track my progress and put things in order.


Now...there'd be no point me giving you the ins-and-outs of my day today because frankly its been pretty empty. There have been quite a few hours which i can definitely mark under 'not doing much' but cannot remember exaclty what i did - was probably surfin the net! lol

I had a late night, and kept waking up - when i eventually got up the next day it was 2.30pm! Yeah i know - really late! So, by that point, i was only left with 3 and a half hours before my family came back. I did look on the bright side of this late lie in and think that at least it meant i'd already missed brekkie and lunch without batting an eyelid - literally!

When my family did get home at 6pm we only had a little while to catch up then we all decided to go to the circuit training class this evening! What a family outing! lol. I was glad to be doing something and burning off some cals - im so desperate to lose at least a pound before tuesday.

When we got back, mum kicked up a bit of a fuss about the fact i only wanted to have soup. I just told her that WAS what i was having, and i wasnt hungry for anything else. I think if she really kicked up a fuss about my meals, i would also get really angry and stand my ground. She wanted me to have a jacket potato - think of all the carbs! :z

After my tea, i allowed myself to have a small pot of jelly. Im going to try to wean myself off sweet foods that i binge on by not cutting things out altogether to begin with. So, even though im not allowing myself chocolate bars, i can have a sugar free jelly pot (4kcals) or a low fat hot chocolate wmade with water (33-45kcal).

Thats pretty much it for today:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 carton of soup 165kcal
small pot of jelly 4kcal

Snack 1 piece of gum 5kcal

Drinks
2xdiet coke 8kcal
1xpepsi max 1kcal
bottle of s-free squash 6kcal
CALORIE INTAKE TOTAL 189KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hour circuit training, hard 500kcal

EXERCISE CAL BURN TOTAL 500KCAL

Well - tomorrow's the final push. I'll be at work most of the day so that will mean less temptation for binging, but harder to resist picking. It should be ok though and maybe i'll get a workout in afterwards. Must go because im muchos tired and need to get up early tomorrow.

NOTE TO ANNAMARIE: Thanks for your kind note of concern and help. I know my cutting is bad, especially now i want to swim and find its all over my legs! I've had problems with s/h for a long time now - about 10 years. I do it alot less now so its not so much an issue of concern for me. Hopefully now my eating has the opportunity to be more under control i will be less inclined to do it. I tend to find the more i lose weight and gain control of my eating (i.e. less calories) then the less i feel i want to hurt myself - because s/h is a type of punishment to the body. To answer your question about if i have a partner, i dont. I havent had one in a long while, but then as my lifestyle (ED, s/h, depression) is so demanding in mental terms you can become very reclusive so dont get out much. I dont find it hard to date but as i said before, i give all my energies to my ED - hoping its all going towards the same goal. I agree about the 'picking yourself up' after a binge - i never used to do that, just used to dig myself into a bigger hole and gave up when i binged. This time i vowed i wouldnt do that, and everytime i binge and/or purge (which is probably far too often) i just pick myself up the next day and try harder. Because the end goal is worth it. Let me know how your doing - my email is lifeisafreefallplunge@hotmail.co.uk

BTW TO TCSTAR: Im sorry i havent replied to your message yet, i will get onto it tomorrow. hope your ok - keep at it and you'll get there! xx

Must snooze now!

Poppy @-,-'--

Quickie Blog - Scales on strike: Are refusing to move despite continued pleading!

I just saw this image when searching around and thought it was quite good!
Hope you're progress is going well and your on track. Mines kind of gone wonky this week and i think im going to end up with another week of not losing. It seems to be coming off in spurts!

These last two days, my sleeping pattern has been partially normal so by the time i come on here to write im too knackered to begin the task of doing so! Also with the shame of a few more binge/purge episodes, it wasnt hard to convince myself agaisnt the idea for a night.

I was so peeved on Saturday because i'd been so good on Friday - then when i weighed myself that morning ihadnt lost anything. Then the party came and the friend hosting it was forcing food on everyone to the point where you couldnt say no. She kept saying she made it for me because im vegetarian. It sucked.

Today, i woke up and went for a run for 45 minutes. Nothing very specific has happened today because sundays are always the 'doss' days. I didnt have any brekkie or lunch. I had a bowl of ice cream then purged it all earlier on. When tea finally came around i had a soup - 165kcals. Thats all ive had.

Im almost looking forward to weighing day then i can really push for a good week. I NEED to lose more weight - i just must. im too fat. I feel like ripping the fat from under my skin - i want to tear at myself because im so angry at myself for being and looking like this.

Tomorrow i swear to you blogs will begin as usual. Also the bracelet supplies are slowly but surely being delivered so hopefully in the next 7-10 days i will have all the supplies to begin...finally!

Im afraid this is all for today but i really must sleep. Then a fresh start tomorrow as it will be monday and no one will be in all day (easier to skip meals).

Love to you all

x Poppy x

Naps and No Snacks - It's like a dream come true!

Heya. Another day, another struggle huh? Thats pretty much the mantra that best sums up the last few hours in particular.


I am currently lying on my bed looking forward to the point right after this blog when i will go to sleep and forget the constant longing for ice cream in the fridge downstairs, and be able to sleep it away.

Today was my first day off after 3 days of work this week. Sounds pathetic i know, but ive had really crap sleep as well. The maxuimum sleep i got over the 4 days is 6 hours. Anyways, i had guaranteed myself some exercise this morning by getting a lift to my classes.

After a little mishap along the way (friends baby was sick in the back and the roads were blocked up), we got there! I really pushed myself on the spin bikes today and finally feel ive got to a good resistance on them. Then onto body conditioning where i continued to push myself by using a heavier weight today. Altogether they were good classes and i ve now decided to ask for weights for Christmas so i can practice in my room!

After the classes, i went back home and grabbed a drink. I then decided to sort out the food in the fridge (its a great way of cleaning your mind of all that food). In the end, i found myself scrubbing at the fridge and cleaning out the entire thing! The doorbell went and i got my order through - i have ordered some more hoodies due to winter coming and they are great for making it look like you have bulk. Not that i dont have enough already! ...

Around 1pm-ish, i found myself dozing off in front of the computer and, given that i hadnt had a lie-in this week, decided to have a nap! It was lovely and i slept for 2 hours. Now - you may be asking 'what happened to the food portion of this blog?'. Well, i hadnt had anything yet. It was weird - when i got back from body conditioning i genuinely didnt want the food, so made up a bowl of yoghurt incase i wanted some later. Then as lunchtime arrived i hadnt fancied anything, thus i had that nap!

After that, i came downstairs and decided that, although i wasnt really hungry, i would eat the yoghurt. My reasoning for this was that if i wait till im starving then i will over eat rather than control the eating. After my yoghurt, the door suddenly went and my stepdad came in. He had finished work early. I rushed to wash up and managed to get it away in time.

Soon after my mum came in, and for the next hour and a half i decided to crack on with the ironing. When that job was finished, i walked into town and got some money so i could pay for my classes. Doing a very quick u-turn to avoid the food shops, i marched to the leisure centre and paid for my classes. I even booked a bike for spin class tomorrow morning! lol. I figured if i get the exercise done early on then extra is a bonus and i wont have an excuse for not doing any!

Back home, i made my vegetable stirfry and used 1/4 of tofu packet in it. I hadnt tried tofu and wanted to see what it was like. It was relatively low cal so not threatening. It was horrible - kind of like scrambled egg texture without any taste! eugh! I left half and just ate the veggies. Mum made a comment that 'not even a sparrow could live off that' - i ignored it.

They had cooked themselves up two pizzas and some garlic bread - every other night they seem to have something bad. They offered me some garlic bread, then a piece of cheese pizza and i refused both. Then they said 'that isnt enough' and asked what i'd had for lunch, i improvised and said a cheese sandwich. I cant tell if they believed me.

Later, i wanted mums opinion on whether it would be ok to go swimming (as i have the s/h marks on my legs). She was shocked and hadnt realised i had done it again. We had a chat and i just listened. I showed her because i thought she would have realised that i would still do it sometimes as you dont just get over it in a flash. She said about me seeing someone again and i refused and said 'i was fine'. I will keep you posted as to what happens with that one.

CALORIE SECTION

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
my yoghurt 64kcal

Tea
5 spray frylite 5kcal
1/3 pack of stir fry veggies 40kcal
1/8 of tofu pack 15kcal

Snack
1 piece of gum 5kcal

Drinks
2xpepsi max 2kcal
1xsfree squash 3kcal
2xwater 0kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE 133KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

Spinning class, 45 mins, hard 550kcal

Body Conditioning, 1 hour, hard 450kcal

30 mins walk in/out of town, mod 100kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE CAL BURN 1100KCAL

Now im ready to go to sleep so i can be awake for the spin class tomorrow - although i have no idea how im going to get out of eating meals as they will be around all day and possibly be paying particular attention. Also we are going to a friends daughters 1st birthday party and there will be cake. ahhhh! :z help...

Right, im off to zzzzzz!

Poppy ~XxX~

No one said it was going to be easy, to get slim and trim from fat and squeezy!

Hi again!
Its been a strange few days, but they have gone well. I've got a damn cold sore on my lip so look a right state at the moment! I have been working solidly for the last 3 days so have been a little ditracted from spending as much time on here as i should do.

I just going to crack on about today before i my head drops any lower towards the keyboard and i begin to drool! - zzzzz....

Right, well im afraid this blog will not be drawn out because half of the day i was at work - and somehow i very much doubt that you care what 'mr so-and-so' bought, so that part will be skipped! Call this my day - the abridged version. lol

I woke up to go to work at 8am and almost fell back to sleep and would have been late for work again, if my conciousness hadnt caught me! So i got ready, only just remembered to take my pills, and headed out the door. As i ironed my shirt, i stuffed a piece of cake into my mouth, when i realised what id done i spat it out. I threw up for good measure just to get rid of anything that was/was not in my stomach. I walked to work today, so felt better once i arrived, having had a 30 minute walk.

Blah, blah - work was boring and you dont want to hear about it. I'll just skip to the part where i say that i did not touch any of the food on the counters or samples - it seems to be getting easier now, but it still hurts like a emotional pain as well as physical. For lunch i went and sat out on the wall outside the shop as usual. Its the only way to escape their gaze, because they've all noticed i only eat a yoghurt for lunch!

This lunch time i took the yoghurt out but refused to let myself eat it. I decided, rightly, that i was my punishment for almost eating the cake this morning, and it would make up for any cals possibly consumed. After lunch, work was work and a few hours later i was free to go home!

I had been sooooo tired at work that day and it would have been so easy for me to drift off to sleep when i returned but i knew i NEEDED to go to boxercise class. I hadnt exercised in 2 days (!), and if i didnt now things would get bad. I got ready and headed off. Luckily, todays class was on time and we got more stations on the circuit in. Although, i didnt sweat in the class today which i like because it makes me feel (and sort of lets me know) that ive done work. But its mostly weights so its a different kind of fat burning weight loss.

Back at home i really didnt feel like tea and begrudginly made my way to the kitchen. I poured myself some soup and sat down to eat it. It wasnt very nice (although i was so hungry i could have eaten it all), and i didnt want it. So after a few mouthfuls i said it wasnt nice and just left it, and didnt have anything else.

So, ive got to get my beauty (cough cough) sleep for tomorrow as its rise and shine for the double bill of classes! I cannot wait for a lie in - all this getting up early and lack of sleep is killing me! oh well - maybe sunday. Not saturday because im crossing my fingers that my mum will drop me off food shopping! yipee!

Note:

new rules on calorie counting - I now count all beverages as well

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
few spoonfuls of soup 40kcal

Snack
piece of cake b/p

Drinks
2.5 fruit teas 5kcal
2x pepsi max 2kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE 47KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 minute walk, brisk, 1.5miles 100kcal

1 hour boxercise, hard 450kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE BURN 550KCAL

So, apart from the cake its been a good day - how predictable is that from a mia! lol

Right got to dash, speak tomorrow (cross my heart!)

ox Poppy xo

Weigh in results and Apologies all round - Nice long blog predicted for tomorrow though!

Hi Guys!
I would explain but it would sound like a load of poo after, in my last blog, i said that i wouldnt do irregular blogs again!

Im not going to write any calorie sections, rather, im just going to give you a quick update on the last two days and blather on a bit!

Firstly, i had my weigh in day on tuesday and heres the results:

POUNDS LOST OR GAINED:

6LBS

Yes! Its been a good week, and even despite the binge, it seems somehow to have pushed my body further in weight loss - perhaps it kick started my metabolism again.

I just have to not take advantage of my loss this week and work just as hard to keep losing.

So these last two days, have been ok. Both have been under 300kcals, although there has been one oopsie.

I got fitted for my bridemaids dress today. Im worried that if i lose some more the dress wont fit, but i dont want to stay the size i am. Luckily we have a second fitting in a week or so's time, so if i lose any extra, i can get it re-fitted then.

I am only 12lbs off of my 2nd goal. Not only is it one of my goals because it means i should be down another size by then, but because i will then be halfway in my weight loss! how good is that?! I can't wait!

Tomorrow im working and then afterwards im hoping to boxercise it. Ive been so lazy with work recently because work finished later in the day so i miss my classes. I got almost hysterical two nights ago when mum told me i had to go to the dress fitters instead of my aerobics class.

Right, im afraid thats all for today 'cos im beat, but i'll defo do a nice long blog tomorrow!

Speak then,

Poppy x ;p

Lost Time and Gained Calories - Yesterday's Story and How I Made Up for It Today

Right...I have a bit of a catch up with my blog now and i hope you all forgive me for not blogging yesterday- this will not become a regular thing!


Sunday 14th Sept:

So, this, as i mentioned in my temp blog before, was my binge day. I know id had a tough day previously with the hen-do pub meal, but the day hadn't started bad!

The day started off ok. I cant quite pinpoint what time i got up but i think it was just before 12 midday. I controlled myself for the next few hours until i felt i could have my yoghurt with sweetner. I went dowstairs and,so that my family would think i'd eaten, i put a roll, some cheese and a few dollops of ice cream into a bag then threw it away. After i ate my yoghurt, though, i felt unsatisfied, which i dont usually feel after eating that. It threw me off but i still removed myself to my bedroom. However it wasnt soon after that the chocolate bar i had bought the day before floated into my head and then my hands. Despite telling myself i would regret it, it dissapeared in a few bites.

Suddenly the mia girl took over and i had no control. When my sister got back to have her lunch, i couldnt stop myself anymore and stole away a bowl of ice cream and a solero. I scoffed them all then purged them back up into my bin. After that, my family went out again and i would have gone with them if i hadnt got into this cycle of b/p- because once im in that space i cant do anything other that focus on it.

My mum has to hide the cake bars from me now - which i dont mind so much because i dont actually WANT them. But when i was on the binge session i went into their bedroom and searched around until i found them, then i ate 2 individual portions with 2 cakes in. Then i went downstairs and found the only binging sort of food around which was crackers with butter on. I smothered 6, then 5 crackers with butter and ate them too. Then i went upstairs and purged all that as well.

By the time my family came home the last thing i actually wanted to do was have a meal and keep it down - i was at the last stages of my b/p. Luckily, they didnt want to sit down for a meal so i showed them i was eating something by taking some more crackers upstairs. Obviously i b/p ed those as well.

Finally when everyone had gone to bed, i finished off the tub of ice cream from the freezer downstairs and purged it back up. I still felt fat and felt as though all the calories from those foods were floating around despite purging. It was horrible. When i couldnt purge anymore, i tided my room and myself up and felt crap. I had done soo well not to binge for that long. I was a pig.

So - now you know why i didnt post anything to you. There would be no reason to post the calories on here because firstly, it would get me worked up again about how many were consumed. And secondly, i cannot be sure how many i actually digested, and how many i threw up. And that will freak me out as well.

Lets just say:
Calories - b/p, indefinate amount consumed
Exercise - nothing

Monday 15th Sept

Onto happier days, like today! Its been a better day today, mostly because i woke up around 2pm! I know - lazy of me, but i always find sleeping is the best way to get through hunger pains and food distractions. Its the nights that are the hardest because im an insomniac so im up alot of the night with my weak will failing me then!

When i got up at 2pm, i got a phone call from mum saying we had a dentist appointment at 4.45pm, so she would be back to pick me up at 4.30pm. That meant i only had 2hrs 30mins to get things done! I had put my dentists appointment off for ages and missed it twice. My cousin works there so i find it really awkward. Also due to the fact im mia, my teeth are really a personal part of me and my problems, and i swear one of these days i go he will find huge problems with them. The question 'do you make yourself sick?' will arise soon enough!

So, i quickly checked my mail, had a shower and did all the boring bits around the house. Then i cycled into town to do the important bits. Boots first for more teeth cleaning equipment so i could vigorously scrub at my teeth before i went to the dentist (i really didnt want him to find anything wrong with them!). Then i had to check out a childs birthday present for my mum. Finally i marched up to the supermarket because, most importantly, i needed to replace the ice creams i ate the night before.

I also got, as well as the ice creams, fruit tea for work - because they only have high juice and that can have quite a few cals in it. Also, more yoghurt. I was so tempted by thier handmade cakes and traybakes and cookies, but i just clenched my hands and walked past, because id just had a binge day - and look how well that turned out! *cough cough*

I cycled home with the stuff only for my arrival to be co-incided with my mums! I needed to get the ice cream away without her seeing it! Thankfully, she went upstairs to change to i slipped it all away in the freezer. We went to the dentist, and (i say with relief) he found no problems with my teeth, and even gave them a polish (cleans off top layer of tooth) to get rid of all my gunk! So now they feel really smooth! mmm...

Mum and I then went and had a drink in our local hotel, then were joined by the rest of the family. Mum at one point suggested a rich sticky flapjack (it was actually named that *gulp!*) but then she said i suppose we'd better not - and i emphatically agreed with her! lol. After drinks, we rushed back home and my mum, my sister and I all went off to circuit training.

It was hard tonight but well worth it. Also it was fun partnering up with my sister. I loved the skipping ropes although my bottoms kept trying to fall down! Note to self: Buy a smaller pair of workout pants! lol

Back home, i had a quick shower then made sure i was down in time before my stepfather decided to take the reigns on cooking and pour a load of oil all over my pan for stir fry! I sprayed it with some frylite (1 kcal per spray - i did 3), then shoved loads of veggies in. I managed to avoid any sauces that he was waving my way, although 2 teaspoons of soy sauce would have been nice, it was better and more low cal without anything.

The great thing about stir fry is that it looks as though you are cooking yourself a proper meal. However all you are having is heated vegetables! Not tainted with anything but maybe some v low cal spray. My family falls for it everytime i do it - they havent noticed how it went from me having 1/2 a pack of stir fry with quorn pieces and loads of soy sauce, to just 1/3 of a pack of stir fry and a few extra veggies.

I ate enthusiastically at the table, because then i think they are less suspicious of you than if you picked at it. When pudding came around they all had the new ice creams i bought which suited me fine - i think im dealling with pudding times better now, on the whole.

So, its the end of the day and im chuffed with my progress, although its partly me balancing out the damage from yesterday. Although sometimes if you eat more for one day, it straightens out your body's metabolism and you actually lose more! we shall see....

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/3 pack of stir fry and some veggies 40kcal
3xsprays frylite 3kcal
Snack
Nothing 0ckal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL 43KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

15 mins total, in and out of town cycling 100kcal

1 hour circuit training, hard 500kcal

EXERCISE CALS BURNED 600KCAL

Another day gone, then a week will have passed. As the week ends i always think i havent worked hard enough, or could have pushed a little harder. Perhaps i will have the chance to push that little harder next week, we shall see!

PS. Oooooooo! Before i forget, thank you ty for your encouraging message on the guestbook! I do hope things are getting better - its just a shame about the slips. Perhaps my 'little harder' for next week will be no binges at all?! Hope you are doing well - let me know!

x Poppy x

Break for one blog to clear the air after i've cleared my stomach

Heya guys

i know its bad, but im going to have to take a rain check on todays blog.

Its been a bingy kind of day and im just really beat, and need to clear my head (and my stomach) before i blog you all. Also numbers on the site have recently been low.

I will blog tomorrow with todays news.

Stay Strong

x Poppy x

Greek Salads and Panic Attacks...not to mention a glimpse of what my hell would be!

Hey - Its been such a struggle today that it seems amiricle that i made it through almost unscathed!


If i were in hell it would contain lots of sweet things and me not being able to eat them. Today i saw a glimpse of that hell! lol. Its not that i didnt tell myself a thousand times that i was being better than they were and that it would be better in the long run and that i would treat myself later, it still had that bitter feeling of utter shitness!

So the low down on today starts with me having to pull myself out of bed this morning for work. I tried those caffiene pills but i dont think they worked very well. I still felt really tired! I was gutted that i couldnt be with my mum on her hen day, but i still trudled off to work holding the hope that i could get off early if it was quiet enough.

When i got to work i found my boss crying and comforted her - she and her husbamd had agreed to split. I gave her as much advice as i could on the matter, without being an expert myself (obviously), and listened. A little while later i mentioned what the special occasion was today and she said she'd already said the other staff member on today could go home early if it wasnt busy. He didnt even have any important things on! It was not fair!

Anyways, after i got over that i got on with work. Around 12-ish i was sent out to deliver menus and was happy to do it, as it meant i was walking so was burning calories while being out in the rare sun for a while! I got back around 1pm and then, as i was told to have my lunch, walked into town. I picked up 2 pepsi maxes and a bottle of water, no problems. I spent, like, 5 minutes over the yoghurts, picking them out and looking at their cal and fat contents. Eventually i had to get a four pack as it had the lowest in cals and fat. Then as i dithered over the chocolate area, i entertained the notion of trying again to begin to stockpile chocolate. I see it that i will save it up and then when i get to a goal, i can have it as a treat if i like. If not, i will keep on saving it until i get to a final goal.

I picked up a starbar and a hot chocolate sachet because it was reduced. By the time i'd walked back i only had 7 minutes left of my lunch. Luckily when i said i thought i had 15 mins left, the boss said that it was so dead i could take 30 mins if i wanted! Bonus! I sat outside but the only downside was that she came and talked to me some more. I listened and for the last 5 minutes i was alone. I ate one of the yoghurts - it wasnt too bad at 65kcals. I have left the other four for the next times i go to work.

Now - id been tempted by the starbar those 5 minutes i was alone with it, and was no constantly worried abut sucumbing to it. Because i knew when i did that i would be fatter and put on weight and would feel so much upset and regret. But for now i returned to work.

The other staff member went home at 3pm and it was just me and the boss. She said she was hungry and opened up a box of cheesy swirls and offered me one. I gritted my teeth and refused and, quickly thought up a solution to out some on taster so less is left. It is so crap working in a food store because you cant get away from the temptation and your cravings are maximised to the very limit.

I was supposed to be meeting my mum and her hen party at a pub a short bus ride off just after 7pm. At the end of the day my boss offered me a lift so i quickly changed and ended up at the pub 40 mintues before the party arrived! I read in that time as i am still desperately trying to finish 'Media and Body Image' so i can read my set course texts for next jan!

It sounds silly but i could feel myself anxious and tensing. My breathing was heavy and i knew i was getting really panicky about eating with lots of other people - i HATE it! Last time i had a big meal in public with lots of other people i had a panic attack in the toilets! When the party arrived i speedily dispatched myself to the toilets and took 5 minutes to sit on the loo and breathe deeply to try to calm my nerves, but it could only work so far because i knew food was another challenge that was still yet to come.

First champagne arrived. I pretended to take a sip and didnt touch the glass again - champagne has calories and i didnt want to get into the mentality of adding on the extra of this or that then find i went over my limit by loads. A platter of spring rolls was then put before us and i ignored it, then passed it around to everyone offering them, eager to see them gone from my sight!

I had been prepared for this evening and checked out the menu online before going so i wouldnt be taken by surprise. The safest thing on the menu that wouldnt arouse suspicion was the greek salad. I would have felt happier to order the mixed salad but i knew that would look too obvious when other people were ordering chicken and bacon in cheese with chips, and steak and ale pie with chips. I ordered my food, making sure that when the lady was leant in i asked her that if there was dressing could i have none. That was ok.

When the salad arrived, it looked manageable. I was a little worried about the amount of feta and olives and wished it was more green-leaf inclined, but nevertheless it was something i could eat without becoming nervous and upset. I pushed the feta to one side of the plate, then the olives to another part. By the time id finished my greens i had two piles of very obviously segregated feta and olives which would have been too obvious to leave like it was. I had moved a napkin to my lap earlier in case there came a chance where i could slip some of it onto there, but my godmother who sat to my right was too near not to see.

I was the last to finish and left some pieces of feta and oilves. Afterwards, all that kept revolving round my head was the feta and olives. Olives have so much fat in them (3kcal per olive) and i ate (counted before started meal) 15 of them! yuck! Then the feta - it was cheese, that had to be full of calories. Id read somewhere that its 8kcals a teaspoon and every square looked like a teaspoon to me so that had to be loads. I excused myself from the table to the toilets and tried to throw up. But there was a queue, and due to how tense and panicky i was feeling it made it difficult to throw up without using hands (which would have made too much noise).

The pudding menus came round and it was ABSOLOUTE AGONY to see everyone else picking puddings. I just kept focusing on the calories that would be in a boston brownie with ice cream and choc sauce, or even just two scoops of that ice cream! I knew it would completely blow things if i ate a pudding, but it was so hard because i have THE ULTIMATE sweet tooth! I resisted and was only one of two who did on the table of 9! Then i had to watch them eat it - not a happy experience...

Afterwards it was coffees and hot chocolates which i declined and sipped my water. Even though the meal and pudding was over, my mind still focused on the delicious meals people had just had and how much it hurt not to have it. But i knew that if i held on a bit longer it would be worth it - as i am reaping the benefits of those feelings now! It even refused a chocolate mint that came with the coffee that someone offered me!

We got back home safe and sound, and my stepdad and a few of his friends were in the living room after the stag do. Two of them are staying over here tonight. Us girls excused ourselves to bed. But thats not quite the end of the tale...

when settling into my warm comfy bed i twisted the starbar over in my hands and was so set in digging my teeth into it. But all i could see were the calories flashing in front of my eyes. After all the pressure of abstaining everything for the night, i used my last strength of will for the night to refuse once more, and told myself it wasnt worth it.

Heres the final layout for the day:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
danone low fat yoghurt 65kcal

Tea
greek salad (no dressing) 250kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE 315KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

Brisk march into town and back, 20 minutes 60kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE BURN 60KCAL

The exercise today has been pretty awful because i went to work early this am, then rushed off the mum's hen do, then we didnt get back till 11pm! But at least i know those few burnt calories push me below my limit for an ordinary day. If i count today as a special day, which it has been, then i was under anyway as my limit for a special day is 500kcals.

OK. So we will see what tomorrow brings, as there is a possibility of meeting friends at the pub which will be nice. But its for lunch - not so nice! I'll have to decide later whether to skip it! I also found out that my godmother who runs with me has a bad cough, so we arent running tomorrow! So there is little chance of exercise unless i get to the gym sometime between 11am-3pm. Perhaps i wont go to the pub and do an hours exercise at home instead, then when they get back tell them i had lunch - that solves both problems out!

Right, must mooch off because im mega tired and need to weigh myself before bed - you know, for closure!

Poppy oxoxo

*TING* Can you hear my halo ringing? ... It would be gleaming but for the ice cream poop!

*Note on title - I did want to put bird-like ice cream poop, but it wont let me! I meant that i was imagining myself all kitted out in my angel garb for being good today, then a load of ice cream comes flying out of the sky and lands on my halo like bird poop! As in something had to happen to ruin my good day - and i was so close! lol. - random i know. humour me pls! ;) *
Te He! I feel im allowed to gloat today as ive done good, although i should add very tiny emerging horns in the back because i have had one slip up today.

But, poo that, im going to be chuffed with myself today, because if im not then it will be no incentive for the next few days climb up my mountain!

Geez - didnt realise it was so late! Ive got to go to work tomorrow that ought to be fun (not! lol). I've been so crappy with getting up recently that ive bought these caffiene pills which im going to try, so that hopefully it will encourage me to wake up when my alarm goes off rather than just turn it off and go to sleep. Thing is when i wake up im in such a deep almost-comatose sleep that i dont even conciously know im doing what im doing. Then when i do wake up fully later, i wonder if i actually did it or not. Hence the pills!

Gosh - that was a very long winded way of going round it! lol. But enough jabbering on about caffiene 'jitterbug' pills, lets crack on to todays events.

I got up bright, early and...err, groggy today! lol. I got picked up by the family friend who runs the exercise classes that i go to. So, it was 8.30am and off we went on the bikes spinning away for 45 minutes. You know, i actually really enjoy spinning - if there's a class near you give it a go! Then straight after the spinning class, i went on and did 1 hour of body combat (weights, and a little bit of cardio). It felt really good after and im looking for weights now so i can keep them in my room and use them when my family are out.

OMG - huge cringe moment 10 minutes before the end of my conditioning class, my period came on! Thats nearly a month exact since i last had it - im NEVER regular, and have never been in my life. Thats why it freaked me out so much. I had to rush off as soon as the class finished! How embarassing! :z

Anyways, enough girly gory details! I got home and did the usual shower and surfing in the internet. When i got out the shower it was 11am and i was determined to wait, at least, until 12 midday before i sucumbed to my yoghurt. I managed to distract myself until 1pm before i went down and made myself some more of that delicious yoghurty stuff! If anyone tries it please let me know if you liked it or not. I think its delish!

I can never tell one moment why you gave in to impulses, and when looking back you cant fathom why you did it. This is particularly common in a binge episode, you either remember every detail of what you did a few monutes up until the binge (moving things, what you were looking at) or the moment when you decided to take that food you so desperately wanted is frozen in time between blanks in your memory. I cant remember what i had been doing but all i know was that i was trying very hard to resist a solero ice cream in the lounge and next im eating it, all! Im not looking so saintly now am i?

It wasnt a binge parsay - not like i used to do! God - those really were binges! But its the out of control bit that so clearly reminds me of a binge, and the moment of regret afterwards. I dont know what i got up to in those hours straight after eating the lolly, but something clearly, because when i next looked at the clock it was 3pm!

I decided enough was enough - i had things to do in town and i needed to burn those calories off SOMEHOW! It just seemed unacceptable that they could stay there glooping around in my stomach - i wanted to claw it out. I marched into town and made sure i didnt actually stop when i walked around any of the shops, collecting what i needed to get for home.

I managed to avoid the sweet sections in two shops and just gey what i needed. I got my sister a chocolate bar so that when she got back she would say thatk you and did i have one? I'd be able to say, yes i had it earlier, and it would seem as though id eaten more. Also i washed and wiped up all my dirty stuff and put it all away so they couldnt tell by the lack of dirty pots and pans on the side that id only had yoghurt...and that damn solero! I at least made the wrapper really obvious in the bin so they saw id had it.

When i got home i only had an hour before my family got back. I was a bit gutted because i was hoping to squeeze in a 40 minute aerobic session to myself but nevertheless i ploughed away at the housework i had to get done and worked up a bit of a sweat. Note: Squats doesnt really work though, unless you're cleaning banisters! lol

When they got home, everyone was in a good mood with me because id done the jobs and they were less stressed (yes!). Only an hour later and they headed back out again. When i heard they were going out, i couldnt believe my ears and seized the chance to say - 'can i have my tea when you're out? Im starving!'. They said yes!

Finally some more luck comes my way. As they left i knew that faking having my tea would be no case of just binning it. I'd need to cook it and get all the plates believably dirty so they would think i'd eaten. I cooked the food, and tipped loads of greasy oil all over it before i was tempted to try a bit. Then i emptied the food into a spare bag and chucked it into another bin bag and then into the bins outside. I didnt wash up this time so they would think i had eaten due to the mess, and i even smeared some sauce on the counter so it looked like id spilt something while cooking.

It was all-in-all sucessful, they came home a believed me. I cleaned up then and ran away before they started cooking the delicious garlic ciabatta bread they had brought back. Bear in mind, they had also brought back dairy milk bars and smarties - it was tough! I stayed up on my room while they ate and only came back down once the smell had died away. I keep taking sniffs of my cinammon smelly bag like its drugs or something cos im trying to distract myself from the obvious food smell! lol.

So, everything is now finished and i need to get to bed so that 1) i can be up bright and early tomorrow and 2) so that i wont feel these hunger pains any longer...and my next hoodia pill isnt till tomorrow!

BTW. I believe hoodia does work. I dont think it reduces my blatant cravings. For example. its supposed to be taken as part of a healthy balancd diet - as mine is not balanced and occasionally almost non-existant i will feel some cravings right? But my hunger pains have gone down tremendously! Its brilliant i can get through the day without being bent double for part of it! Maybe i was just being wimpy! lol

Right, heres the results of today:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
100g alpro soya low fat yoghurt 59kcal
2xteaspoon of sweetner 4kcal
1/2 tspn of lemon zest 1kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
solero smoothie lolly 99kcal
2x sugarfree gum pieces 10kcal

CALORIE INTAKE TOTAL 173KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

45 minutes spinning, hard 550kcal

1 hour body conditioning, hard 450kcal

1 hour fast paced walking into, around and out of town 200kcal

EXERCISE CALS BURNED 1200KCAL

So, altogether an almost perfect day. Although i suppose a perfect day would be nothing at all, but im still happy with myself. I just cant let it slip tomorrow because there's a meal out and im worried that i will slip! :z

Must go because im going to be dead on my feet tomorrow morning, at this rate!

x Poppy x

Reach for the stars - not the galaxy bars! Not a bad day - beaucoup de exercise!

Right...next day completed!
As you could tell, it would have been a hard feet to beat yesterdays food intake, short of having a day of fast. Despite not 'beating it' i stayed close to my cal intake and didnt need my emergency cals.

I mean that my day-to-day allowance is 300kcals, but my emergency cal allowance is 500kcals.

So, i didnt manage to go to my aerobics session this morning. This was a bit of a shame because i do enjoy it lots but i slept through it. At 10.30am i was woken again by the postman - my scales had arrived! yay! Last night i had ordered some food scales so that i can weigh my yoghurt and carrotts, etc on them and therefore not have to worry and guess-timate their calories.

I got them out and am chuffed to bits with them! But, lazy lazy me, after i had got them and checked them out. I took my hoodia pill for the morning then went off to bed again! How bad is that! I just find it easier, because when you sleep you dont feel hunger pangs and dont feel the lure of the food and the kitchen.

When i did get up it was 2pm again. I took my other hoodia pill and about half an hour later, went down for some lunch. I decided to try my new alpro yoghurt and made an easy little concoction all of my own. I measured out the 100g of yoghurt (with my new scales! yipee!) and then added 2 tsps of sweetner, then grated a small amount of lemon zest ontop. It tasted ABSOLOUTELY DELICIOUS! It was so sweet and i kept having to remind myself it had only 64kcals in it! I highly recommend you trying it out - it was like pudding!

I then spent an hour on the computer sorting out things. It was around then that i started to get cravings. I denied and denied, then i had to go to the kitchen to get some water. As you can easily imagine, i came back up with a cake bar. I ate it then threw as much of it back up. But even though i was sure i had got virtually all of it out (via consistency - water/cake ratio), i still felt that all the calories and fat was still in there.

I find when im in a post-bad eating mode, the best thing is to do the housework. What could be better - cleaning the house so my mum wouldnt be cross with me, AND burning cals at the same time! It would be killing two birds with one stone! I polished, hoovered, and cleaned floors.

Afterwards i was still feeling like nothing had shifted, so i quickly synced a playlist up on my ipod of upbeat songs and, in the 30 minutes before my family got home, i did an aerobic workout session using the exercises i did in the class. It must have worked because i was majorly hot and sweating afterwards! I could feel it working as well tho which is good!

When my family got home i decided if i left early for boxercise i could get 20 minutes in on the treadmill as well. Unfortunately i was a little delayed in leaving so i only got 10 minutes...on the cross trainer! There was a woman on there who, 2 minutes into my cross training finished - AND SHE WAS ONLY WALKING ON IT! I know it sounds awful - but that peeves me off so bad! Why walk on it?! At least do a VERY fast walk - thats what i used to do, but she was doing it as if going for an afternoon stroll! argh!

Anyways, then i headed up to boxercise. I got a little frustrated at that to begin with because the instructor wasnt authoritive enough so that when it got to 7pm there were a group of people chatting away! We didnt get started until 20 past! What the fuck is the point in that?! I paid for an hour and now i have less time - it meant that my exercise earlier wouldnt count for as much as i hoped it would. We did a good 40-45 minutes in the end and i really wanted to stay the extra 6 minutes just so i could finish off the 2nd lap circuit.

Mum and a family friend were also at the leisure centre in the gym. Mum let me know that the friend would be staying for tea and they were going to have pizza. I said (as calmly as i could cos i really couldnt have handled pizza today..or any!) that the peppers were almost out of date, so would it be ok if i had one of those instead? Yes it was. *phew*

When we got back i had a shower then cooked up my tea of one roasted stuffed pepper and salad. Afterwards the ice creams came out and i was so dying for one. Instead i took myself away from the table told myself strictly that i had already gorged on a cake bar (fat pig!) and would feel awful if i did eat it. I did the washing up for the duration of them eating their puddings to avoid having to look at them.

I've already arranged my exercise plans tomorrow. I'm doing the same routine i did last week - spin class for 45 mins then straight onto a body conditioning class for an hour. I would love to go swimming as well, but we'll see, as i've got loads else on.

Right, lets go straight on to my day in numbers -

CALORIE SECTION:

(im still going to add the cake bar in because even though i got it out, it doenst feel right not to count it in - i feel like i still need to make up for it)

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
100g alpro natural yoghurt 59kcal
2xteaspoon of sweetner 2kcal
sprinkle of lemon zest 1kcal

Tea
1/2 roasted stuffed pepper 132kcal
salad 10kcal

Snack
galaxy cake bar *cringe* 163kcal
2xpiece of gum 10kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL 379KCAL

(minus the cake bar - 216KCAL)

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 minutes aerobic workout at home 250kcal

2 x 10 minute cycles to town 100kcal

10 minutes on stepper in gym 106kcal

40 minutes of boxercise class 400kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE BURN 856KCAL

So, today would have been another perfect day if it wasnt for that cake bar. Hopefully tomorrow will make up for it. I can dream! lol.

Keep at it - that mountain isnt so high!

Poppy @-,-'--

Good day - got to keep on a roll!

Heya again!
I just taken some syndol and i can feel it kicking in so i'll have to make this quick. Also ive got aerobics on in the morning so i want to be awake enough to go!

As you can tell from my pretty picture to the left today has been a good day! In fact its been better than good - im just hoping that this wont become a pattern because usually when i have one or two really uber-good days its follwed by a week of bad days! But i know why now - its because if i eat little and more often rather than think that if i deny myself a little longer, i will be in less trouble of binging. But enough analysing for now - lets get onto the juicy (or not so juicy) details of today!

I had made plans to meet up with a friend at 12 midday but when my alaram went off this morning the last thing i wanted to do was drag myself out of bed. Reason? - because i went to bed at 5.30am! argh! But, thank my lucky stars, i got a txt 20 minutes after from my friend saying she couldnt make it. Well it was a shame, but hello bed! I went straight back to sleep and didnt get up until 2pm after that. Although before i went back off to sleep i did take my hoodia pills. I know i wasnt awake enough to need them but its worth taking them to get the body into a rhythm.

When i finally got up, i did some more interneting and mooching around. The night before i was surfing the internet and, when i need to binge (as i did last night), i go onto online shopping sites and add as much crap to my basket as possible. Then before i go into the checkout i close the window. It passes the time. Anyways, thats what i did the night before, and then went back and did a really healthy ana basket. This afternoon i went back and wrote down all the things i wanted to get. Then i went to shop.

The List:
- cherry tomatoes
- carrots
- alpro yoghurt
- hot chocolate sachet
- sweetner
- mustard
- fry lite spray
- pepsi max pack
- ginger (explain later)
- also galaxy cake bars and solero ice creams (explain later)

When i got home i took my pill for lunch. As it started to reach 5pm i was getting peckish so i tried a very small carrott with a 1/4 teaspoon of mustard. The mustard is SO strong you dont need much! But i ate it then felt like i didnt have to eat anymore which must be a first!

Now...im sure you want a reason for cake bars and ice cream on the list. It doesnt sound very 'ana' does it?! lol. Well, the binge day on Monday had been a disaster and that night i had eaten 3 out of the 4 cornettos in the freezer. The reason for the cake bars is because i binged on them before as well and considered it a sort of 'making up' offering.

As soon as i got in from the shoping, i cleaned the bathroom o mum had something nice to come home to and planned to do more jobs to save her the hasstle at the weekend. Then i got ready for aerobics and cycled to the class for 6pm. Im so glad i went and tomorrow i have two classes going! yay! I asked mum how her day had been and she acted as if i shouldnt have asked her and said 'you just dont know how it is...i told you weeks ago'. - i only asked!

As i was cycling i got home 10 minutes after my mum and when i did she snapped my head off...again! She had found that i had eaten the cornettos, her response was to get really angry at me and ask why. I thought i might be too risky to put on a mock dumb face and say 'gee! do you remember back about 5 months ago when i came out of hospital with bulimia? Well it doenst go away that quickly sweetie!'. But i didnt say anything and she kept asking until i screamed at her that i didnt know why i ate them. I mean, do we ever have an explaination for why we starve, binge or purge? Truly? I mean, i'd even bought her substitute ice creams so im dont understand why she was so pissed off. I think she's counted the ice creams now...

However, the one good thing that came out of that was that i was so mad i didnt go down for tea. Instead i closed myself off in my room and tidied it. It cleanses and destresses me sooo well! I havent left my room since now!

So...as you may have just worked out there wont be much to record on the calorie front today!

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snacks
4 x small carrott batons 10kcal (max)
1/4 tsp of mustard 2kcal (max)

TOTAL CAL INTAKE: 12KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

13 mins cycling into and out of town 70kcal

20 mins cycling into and out of town (further distance) 120kcal

1 hour aerobics class, hard workout 600kcal

EXERCISE CAL BURN 790KCAL

Wow! Well, ive done pretty well today! I suppose we will just have to see what tomorrow brings!

BTW. thanks to ty for replying - i REALLY apprieciate it! I like the idea of the cheese salad. I'm veggie so couldnt go with chicken or prawn im afraid. I'd just have to be careful at the table tho because two ppl there are ex-anorexics! lol. But its possible i could get away with the napkin trick because everyone will be preoccupied, etc. Its scary but i know that i can always order a salad and my mum will just have to lump it! lol

TIP: I hate saying 'tips' because i dont like encouraging EDs, just showing them for their true nature and supporting others who have it. However, i dont know what else to call this! I recently decided to try an idea of mine (not exclusively im sure! lol), to find a smell that relaxes you, but one you dont associate with food. Then try and capture that smell somehow and put it in a pouch so that when you feel like eating you just take a sniff.

My example: I LOVE the smell of cinnammon because its warm, homely and i dont redily associate it with food. So i took 2 cinnamon sticks, broke them in half and put them in a little organza pouch. Ive been sniffing it all day - its so addictive, but it works. Im also going to try it with ginger because i love that too...not sure how thats going to work tho! lol

Love to you all - thin is in!

Xx Poppy xX

New plan developed from tomorrow but today has hit a bummer due to a capful of oil and rain!

Hi Guys!
Hope you are all doing well today.

Its been an ok start to the week and i hoping it will pick up as it goes along.

Its 3.30am now into the next day and im still in my clothes. My pyjamas always seem to tight for me now, even if i strech them, so i dont like to wear them. I hate tight clothes.

I got up early this morning because, as you can imagine is my only reason for getting up early (!), i had to go to work. It was a bit of a rush because i had to take all my pills in the am - i have to take 9! But its all for a good cause! After that i couldnt find my work trousers, and i have recently thrown my bigger sized ones away because they no longer fitted me. So i was in a panic because they were the only ones i had!

Yes...you heard right! Ive had to throw out clothes that are too big for me! I managed to get a whole bag uptogether of things, it was my way of saying that i would never be that size again.

I walked to work in 30 minutes again - im getting faster at that! The time passed wuite quickly, despite having only 20 customes in the whole day (!), because i was working with someone i liked. I find it easy to chat with her. Now - id been taking the hoodia by this point, and i must say that the stomach pains are less obvious. I didnt even notice, but i still CRAVED food badly. I dont know whether it improves, but for the moment its just the huge hunger pains that subside slightly.

We ate lunch together so i couldnt get away with the fact i only had a yoghurt. She commented but i said that i had actually had breakfast today so my body was adjusting and i wasnt hungry. What bullpoop i come up with! lol.

My cravings were still growing and that last hour was THE most painful ive ever gone through. Not hunger-wise, but just using my self control to not touch any of the food around the store. It was hard - but thats something that long term anas have to deal with everyday i suppose. Its hard getting out of a mia mindset when your in it for so long - i always saw food as something i could eat, but i just couldnt keep in, like it was tainted. I guess i'll have to change my outlook more.

I got a lift home and my mum was still in a mood with me. I really want to scream at her - i dont know why she was in a mood with me today, because ive been at work so its not like i could have done any housework!

Anyway, putting family issues to one side, i went to have a bath. We've always been relaxed in our household, so us girls usually come and chat to one another when we are in the bath. But i have to be so careful recently due to my scars and, even though im not underweight, i dont want them to size me up too well and work out too accurately how much ive lost!

Tea came along and i INSISTED on cooking my own food. I began to search for the frylite spray (1kcal per spray) to put on the pan, but i went into panic mode as i realised we had run out. My stepfather acted like it was nothing and said 'oh well you'll just have to use some of this' and poured some oilve oil over the pan! I felt like crying, i still do! It gives me a lump in my throat! I was so mortified, but just had to pretend it was nothing! Who puts olive oil in a pan and thinks nothing of it??!!! Its so infuriating and upsetting!

I ate all my veggie stirfry then left to go upstairs. I have no idea really what ive been doing since then, something on the internet i suppose, but i really ought to get off soon so, 1. you can then read this! and 2. so i can go to bed! Thats more important! lol

Exercise has been the only area ive been disappointed in today - the weather has been really grotty tho. But tomorrow its like a given that i go to the aerobics class, then thurs i have two classes and the same friday. Basically after tomorrow im pretty much booked up exercise-wise until next week! yay!

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
a low fat yoghurt 80kcal

Tea
capful of oilve oil 100kcal
veggie stirfry 70kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTALS 250KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 min 1.5mile walk to work 80kcal

EXERCISE CALS BURNED 80KCAL

ADVICE NEEDED!

I want some advice you guys because theres a possible situation coming up on Saturday and i want to be prepared. My mum is having an early pre-pre hen do and its just going to be a meal with lots of friends at a pub. Last time there was a big meal like this i had a panic attack and i can even feel my throat constricting a little now at the thought of it! I need advice as to what would be safe to eat without looking obviously 'im on a diet'-ish because my mums way too suspicious enough and i dont want to make her unhappy and distracted on her do. Any suggestions welcome, please its REALLY IMPORTANT...

Must go now. psps. what do you think of my new backup plan for eating? I'll keep on modifying and changing them till one works because one of them will!

PLAN FOR EATING -


PILLS:


Morning before brekkie -


1 x multivitamin


1 x iron pill


1 x cod liver oil pill


2 x sea kelp pills


2 x hoodia


2 x lipovox


Afternoon before lunch -


2 x hoodia


2 x lipovox


(after lunch) 3 x proactol


Evening before tea:


2 x hoodia


(after tea) 3 x proactol


Nightime:


(optional) 2 x nytol


OR 2 x syndol


avg amount of pills taken in a day > 23


Other pills i have but dont take:


over 70 fluoxitine pills

Breakfast:


One weetabix (64kcal) with skimmed milk (10kcal), cut with water (0kcal)


Lunch:


100g of low fat yoghurt (59kcal) with 2 teaspoons of sweetener (2 x 2kcal=4kcal)


2 baby tomatoes (2 x 6kcal=12kcal)


Tea:


vegetable stirfry (70kcals)


OR


tofu with salad (70-80kcals)


OR


soup (80-180kcals)


OR other low fat options to be brainstormed


Emergency Snack:


carrot batons (using all the carrot) (20kcals) with a teaspoon of mustard (5kcals)


OR a hot chocolate with hot water (40kcals)

Right, now it REALLY is time for goodbyes!

Speak tomorrow,

* PoPpY x