My Mood is Like a Bouncing Ball, My Heart is Like a Warning Call

    Bliss...
  I'm currently chilling in extremely oversized pyjamas that i haven't worn in over a year, preparing to sleep pre-midnight and content with my latest weight figures, until the morning. Who ever thought worn cotton sweats with an elastic waist could bring so much satisfaction!

  Things were so rushed yesterday, i can hadly remember what i said. It's been a busy few days at work and it's now the eve of my return to my job as a learning support assistant. I had the summer off, but am returning to the chaos that is the 'start of term'. I'm really looking forward to this as the last week has been a load of nothing but mindless binging. The only downside to this is that there is no backdoor to enter from and no paper bag to hide behind - i bet everything i own on the fact that at least two people will comment on my weight. I hate it with a passion. I'd much rather no one noticed, it makes me feel so awkward because people no longer see it as a couple of healthy pounds to look better in a bikini, but start to question what you are doing.

  There were no comments to dodge today, though. This morning i got up and ready for my early morning shift at 7am. As per, i positioned myself by the toaster to keep warm and acted as general stillroom overseer. It was a good thing i stayed in the kitchen as i felt really queezy and a bit wobbly on my feet. If i'd have been rushing around with trays, there would have been a higher chance of me fainting again. There was one point where i felt particularly ill, but i just took deep breaths and had more of my water. By 12 midday, there had only been once when i had flirted with the idea of toast and jam. It wasn't as though i actually considered eating it, but i indulged in imagining myself eating it. The staff lunch was served out, and it looked so appetising. When i overheard one of the girls saying that the sausages were vegetarian, and wasn't quite sure whether i was glad or not that i had run out of excuses not to eat it. I teetered on the edge of having some. However, it soon transpired that the sausages were, indeed meat, so that meant no food for me.

  1pm took far too long to come, and i had to make a trip to the toilet for a few minutes to calm my body back down. My heart had been beating hard again this morning, so hard it felt as though my pulse was racing. I think it was palpitations because i have been getting them on/off and i always feel so tired when i have them. It felt like my heart was going to crash through my ribs. When 1pm finally came around, i made a call to my mum. She said both her and my stepdad were shopping, and they'd see me back home. I was gutted because i really wanted them to wait until my shift had ended before food shopping. I felt like i had missed out on the week's biggest highlight.

  Instead of going back home, i went to my local supermarket and picked up: a paper, a bag of lettuce, jar of crunchy peanut butter, packet of cheesy tuc crackers and a large bag of kettle crisps. It wasn't the worst spend i'd had, but i knew 3/4 of this stuff was pointless and the last 1/4 was part of the shopping sharade of making it look like you are shopping for something other than a binge. I walked home so fast that it hurt my chest, and as i got closer i tried to get quicker. Images in my mind of the food that i'd eat, before my parents got home, flashed in my mind.

  As soon as i got in, i made a cheese sandwich and ate it. I followed it with the following: 1 large bag of kettle crisps, 1 packet of tuc crackers, 1 slice of crusty bread with butter, 10 grapes, 1 Magnum Gold, 2 large spoonfuls of peanut butter and 1 Mango Smoothie lolly. I managed to rid myself of it not long before my parents came back. They bought in the bags, and as i went to hover and help my mum unpack, she asked me to get the washing in. I knew it was a tactic to get me away from being so controlling and ganet-like over the food. I did, but for some odd reason i felt hurt. As you can tell from the picture, my emotions have been way out-of-whack today. I have been feeling extremely emotional about silly little things. The fridge being randomly filled with food in no particular order or symmetry really made me agitated and frantic.

  Once all was put away, i sat and talked to my mum for a while. Then she went off for a run and my sister came back from work not long after. She still isn't talking or looking at me, but we'll touch on that later. When everyone was home and tea was approaching, my stepdad said that they were having a sunday dinner and would i like one, with a vegatarian substitute instead of the chicken. I said yes -  So sue me! I was hungry and i believed there would be some leeway for me to purge it afterwards so i took the opportunity.

  I sat and enjoyed the meal like i hadn't had a hot plate of food in years! I covered it in gravy and devoured every bit, although i did take longer than everyone else at the table. After main i felt stuffed, but i still squeezed in desert which had me clawing to purge. I did the washing up asap, then got the washing in without making a fuss before sneaking upstairs. I had been really quiet after the meal and i couldn't focus on anything - i couldn't even make conversation. I was far away and impatient with sitting through my sister's stories, which i used to listen to with complete ease and interest. My mum knew i'd purged when i came back down.

  I also avoided being downstairs because my sister made me feel so upset i couldn't bear to be near her, lest i cry. I try to say nice things to her and all she does is glare and snap. When she is in the room with me, it's as if a mist fills it up and it clings to everything and brings it all down. I just have to get away. And yet, when we were talking about going out for a meal on the night before she leaves, i said i'd come and she sounded genuinally happy and said quietly, 'yay, good'. I said yes because it's her last night, and i know that it would upset her if she knew i'd purged my food so i'm going to try to be good and not purge. I don't know how but i don't want to let her down or make her upset. I will also pay for my own to stop myself feeling guilty as cost, or waste thereof, incase...

  I guess she's just confused. Hopefully things will get better for her back at university. She was going to refuse her potato rosti for tea today because it's carbs and that worried me. Although she didn't in the end, i don't like this new interest in fats, carbs, etc. I want to slap her for doing it to herself and becoming so involved in it when she can see what it's doing to me. Hopefullg being around less calorie-inclined friends might help her get a better sense of balance.

  I weighed myself and am still at my lowest point, though no lower. I have set up all my clothes for tomorrow morning. It's probably my luck now that i go in then find out i don't work Mondays! I have decided that on some of the days off i have, i might try and get down to the hotel gym where i work. It's free to staff members and the hours are really flexible. It means i can get in there when my family don't know, so i can keep on exercising. Otherwise i'm just going to get depressed and lethargic. Not to mention the fact that i could shift the lbs quicker, and up my liquid intake if i exercised, as i wouldn't have to worry about water weight if i'm exercising more. Although i will start taking my vitamins again, as i'm hoping they will help reduce the dizziness and palpitations a bit.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE #1:
  1 Cheese Sandwich
  1 Large Bag of Kettle Crisps
  10 Grapes
  1 Slice of Crusty Bread with Butter
  1 Magnum Gold
  2 Spoonfuls of Peanut Butter
  1 Mango Smoothie Lolly
  1 Packet of Cheesy Tuc Biscuits

  TEA / PURGE #2:
  1 Cheese and Broccoli Escalope
  1 Potato Rosti
  Stuffing, vegetables and gravy
  Apple Pie with Ice Cream
  Rocky Road Chocolate Bar
  1 Spoonful of Peanut Butter

  TOTALS: Unknown
 

   To Bonnie - You are right, of course! I suppose it is easier said than done, and hopefully some day i will be able to show by doing, not telling. I have decided to write her a letter to explain some of the things she might find harder to understand. I don't necessarily meant the biology of it all, but why sometimes i'm quiet when i am and why some things upset me, etc. I will obviously mention in there about her behaviour and how it sometimes scares me. It seems that non-face-to-face communication works best for us. Weird...

  Wish me luck with work tomorrow, and cross fingers that i don't faint on my first day back!

  X Poppy X

  Place guesstimates below on how many people are going to end up commenting on my weight loss

Busy Day...and i'm not just talking work

  Right, i've got to try and bang this out in 10 minutes! Given that most of my blogs take me around 40 minutes to write, this is going to be the equivelent of doing a wedding cake in the time it takes to do scones! Well...you get the picture.

  I am going to skip straight ahead to today:

 1)  I'm back to my lowest weight. Although i'm really dreading that this won't be the case tomorrow morning. Read on to see why (*Poppy lifts her eyes to the heavens and rolls them*). Typical me day i think.

  2) I went to work at 7am this morning, prepared to do the long shift of 7am until 2-3pm. I was ok with this as i figured it would be good as i was walking around a lot and burning calories. I was going to avoid the food there which wouldn't be so bad as my cravings had been ok in the restaurant recently. By midday, we were all really tired and i strained to avoid the staff lunch of cheese on toast and chips. I decided to go to the local shop and get a bottle of drink. Of course, i ended up walking back rustling like a walking crisp bag! I had bought 2 packets of crisps, 1 oreo packet, 1 happy hippo, 1 large bag of m&ms and the pepsi i had originally gone in for!

  3) The function lunch dragged on in the afternoon. The first slip up was with 1 mini tart, then after that it was ll downhill. The starter was cheese souffle, and it looked amazing. Once everyone on the tables was served, we had a few extra portions that are simply left out the back for staff. I was hungry, and i ended up scooping up bite after bite of the delicious sponge. Even though others were leaving it and saying it wasn't very nice, i loved it - it wss like ambrosia. Of course the guilt set in after that and, as the others were beginning to clear the food, i had to sneak off to the toilets to purge. There was no worry about the main because it was meat, but the pudding was the next problem. When the other girls took theirs to the back room, i automatically followed. I ate all of it then headed off again on the pretext of having to do an errand. Again to the toilets to purge more.

  4) In the end i was completely drained. I didn't finish work until 6pm, so i ended up working 11 hours!! Now  i've got to get some sleep because i am working breakfast and part of lunch tomorrow as well.

  5) I stashed some fudge in my bag from the leftovers on the tables, then went home. I went to my room and ate some of the snacks i bought earlier and the fudge, before jumping in the shower and purging them. By the time i was out and dressed, it was time for tea and my grandma was over. This meant no sidestepping tea with the family. I ate without complaint, but, as much as i tried, i couldn't avoid purging afterwards.
  Everytime i eat, i always ask the question, 'do i need to purge?' afterwards, but i almost always feel i have to. I guess i have no backbone against my ED at the moment. I should really because the amount its effecting my health is only increasing. My eyes are really dull, red and yellow - if i lift my eyelids, i can see the difference between the clear whites and the dull part, and it's really horrible.

  6) To finish my erratic narrative, on top of purging my tea i finished up most of the snacks bar the m&ms. I felt awful that i couldn't stay downstairs with my family and enjoy being with them. Out of all things, i think thats what i hate the most about my eating disorder.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE #1 / PURGE #2 / PURGE #3:
  1 Mini Asparagus Tart
  1/2 Cheese Souffle
  1 Lemon Tart Slice

  SNACK / PURGE #4:
  1 Packet of Doritos
  1 Happy Hippo
  Leftover Chocolate Fudge

  TEA / PURGE #5:
  1 Piece of Bread with Butter
  Quorn Chicken Style Piece
  Lots of Mashed Potato
  Beans and Lots of Vegetable Gravy
  1 Magnum Gold

  SNACK / PURGE #6:
  1 Packet of Mini Cheddars
  1 Packet of 6 Oreos
  1/2 Packet of Hotel Chocolat Batons

  TOTAL: Unknown

  Got to go, I'll reply to you all tomorrow- promise!

  X Poppy X

Watch This Space

  [Insert Blog Here]

  Well, i'm totally tired and totally flunking out of today's blog. It's already really late and i've got a double restaurant shift tomorrow- back to back!

  I will post today's blog tomorrow afternoon, then post tomorrow's blog in the evening as usual.

  Sorry if you were expecting my post, i'll be back once i've got some kip and tackled tomorrow :)

 

  X Poppy X

H.U.G.E.R because of H.U.N.G.E.R

  I must warn you i'm in a rather stroppy mood today. Think this is an inevitable combination of tiredness, sisterly bickering and crap music currently playing on my itunes. Hold on...

[Thumps her keyboard buttons with a bit too much vigor, music flicks from one song to another, eventually one is chosen]

  Right, that sorts out music for another 3 minutes! See - this is why it takes me so long to write these things. I dither over pictures for about 20 minutes and then i get fussy over my music while i'm writing my blog! Hopeless!

  For those of you who are completely bewildered by the picture above, it is from the extremely popular childrens book, 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar'.

The story in a nutshell -

Day 1:     The hungry caterpillar eats through a single red apple
Day 2:     The caterpillar eats through 2 green pears.
Day 3:     The caterpillar eats through 3 purple plums.
Day 4:     The caterpillar eats through 4 red strawberries.
Day 5:     The caterpillar eats through 5 whole oranges.

Day 6:     On this day, the caterpillar devours his way through many, different foods including; chocolate cake, ice-cream, a pickle, swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, a cherry pie, a single sausage, a cupcake , a whole slice of watermelon. The caterpillar then gets a stomachache as a result of eating all this food.

Day 7:     The caterpillar eats through a single leaf, which makes the caterpillar feel better. The caterpillar then forms a chrysalis and becomes a butterfly.

  I didn't bring this up to provide you with some easy bedtime reading, obviously. It's just today has been a continous mountain of eating and i have really felt like i'm the caterpillar on day 6. I remember reading this book when i was little, marvelling at how much he ate. Now i am the caterpillar. Even after i had finished eating the last meal, i was craving something else, something different. My hunger was insatiable. Unlike the caterpillar however, tomorrow is also looking bad on the food front. Hopefully i will get onto day 7!

  Even when i got up this morning, i had a feeling it was going to be rubbish. My weight had stayed exactly the same. Although i hadn't gained, i was hoping to get back to 119lbs again. It was already 11.30am, which meant 2.5 hours before meeting my grandma. I didn't even bother waiting until the polite time of day to start making lunch - it all got thrown together, in the over, in my mouth. I pushed down a cheese sandwich while cooking wedges in the oven. Once they were done i almost burnt my mouth trying to eat them so quick. Not finished yet, i ate an ice cream followed by 4 slices of extra thick toast with butter and marmite. Of course, i was staggering the purging as i was eating the food. The whole process was like some foul bulimic marathon, and it wasn't until it was almost 2pm that i realised i would actually have to wipe the drool off my chin and make myself presentable.

  At 2pm, my grandma came round and we went out to the local cafe. I had to make a pit stop at the supermarket in order to get some money. Despite the fact the cash machine was free, i stil bought 2 chocolate bars and asked for cashback. The chocolate felt like insurance. At the cafe, I knew that i was safe with a diet coke, and low and behold if i didn't find that was exactly what they had run out of. Of all things - what place runs out of diet drinks??! I just had a tap water. A little while into our chat, my grandma said she fancied a piece of cake and i said i'd get it. When i went to order, my mouth said 2 pieces before my head could intervene. Even as they were putting the pieces on the plates, i regretted my slice and wished i hadn't. I ate it quickly, then squirmed in my seat, eager to get into a cubicle somewhere. I even stood up prematurely when my grandma was still talking. I felt awful, but more concerned about what the food inside of me was doing. 

  When we got back home i tried to get rid of the food with little luck. So i tried to encourage it out but drinking and eating the chocolate i had bought from the supermarket. It worked, and soon i was back in the kitchen eating my way through 4 crackers and crisps. Things were getting desperate in the kitchen, as i was foraging around for any food that was remotely tasty to eat quickly. I think i would have licked clean a jam jar if there was one around!

  Just as i'd purged the crackers and crisps, my sister came home from work. We chatted for a bit and she seemed in a better mood today. So good so far... I quickly caught up on cleaning, trying to sweeten the parents up so their moods aren't prematurely off before we even approach the subject of food. This subject inevitably gets mentioned almost every day of our exsistance. What made me freak out was that today is was my sister who said she didn't want a jacket potato because she wants to cut back on carbs as she has a 'puffy round face'. I have never seen her pay so much attention to fat and carbs before and i'm really worried. I want to shake her and say 'You see what it's done to me? Don't do it! Don't do it!'. Are my fears justified or am i overreacting you guys? Please give me advice...

  My mum came in a little later and said i looked low. I didn't feel all that low, maybe quiet. In truth, i'm not quite sure what feeling is right any more - i've got nothing to measure it against, no sense of normalicy from which to guide my emotions.  At 7pm, my family all went out for a spin class and i was left alone. I was meeting up with a friend at 8pm, so there was no need for me to even pretend to eat. However, my body was still hungry and it confused me. It had no idea why - why should it be hungry when i've had all that food? Why can't i subdue it? I cooked a quick meal in the microwave for 10 minutes and scoffed a roll and chocolate bar in the meantime. I purged it all as fast as possible, but was still almost late for my meeting with my friend.

  I tried to sip my diet coke slowly, hoping that the liquid would somehow disappear instead of settling in my body and ticking up the lbs on my scales. We chatted until 10.30pm then left. With everyone in their rooms, i sneaked to the bathroom to do one last weigh in before tomorrow morning. I had pushed up another lb. But i'm hoping it's just water weight, and am holding off the despair until tomorrows verdict.

  FOOD DIARY

  (Please be kind...)

  BREAKFAST:

  Nothing

  LUNCH:

  Cheese Sandwich

  A Plate of Wedges with Salt and Sauces

  1 Solero Ice Cream

  4 Slices of Toasts with Marmite and Butter

  SNACK / PURGE #2:

  1 Piece of Carrot Cake

  1 Turkish Delight Bar

  1 Dream Bar

  4 Crackers with Cheese

  1/6 of Bag of Root Crisps

  SNACK / PURGE #3:

  1 Small Baguette with Butter

  30 Grapes, Mixed

  TEA / PURGE #4:

  1 Portion of Vegetarian Meatballs and Pasta

  1 White Roll with Butter

  Twirl Chocolate Bar

  TOTAL: Don't want to know!!

  Sarah - Bless you! <3 Thanks, it means a lot these chats. I think that they help me to come back here, and, no matter how ashamed i am of what i've done, i feel as though i will find understanding and acceptance with you all.

  I know what you mean about family and avoidance, although i sort of envy you for having a family that doesn't talk about food. I'm fed up with mine being so obsessed with it, it upsets me so much.

  Kristina - Never mind about last night. At least it was :/ instead of :'( ! As you can see, i'm now finding myself on one of those tough stretches of having to lose weight i've already lost, albeit only a couple of lbs. Hopefully it will come off easy, especially with the busy weekend of work i'm about to have! lol - also, read my blogs whenever, that's what they're there for! :p

  Tomorrow has many obstacles: clothes shopping, freedom in a large town with many food shops and meeting a friend who knows about my ED. Ah!

 Hugs please :)

  X Poppy X

The Driving Force

What is the driving force of my life? 

This blog is a little delayed today as i've been procrastinating, doing everything other than writing this. I've just finished watching the film 'Sylvia' and now my bum is going numb, so i'm going to try and write this as quick as possible. Sleep is definitely looking inviting now!

  At 7am i vaguely remember my mum coming into my room. I dared her to look in my bin, because i had purposefully not purged in the bin so it wouldn't incriminate me. To my disappointment she didn't, only said goodbye. When next i woke, it was 11am. I stood, wobbled a bit too much and had to sit back down. I got up again and went to the bathroom. I was prepared for an almighty crash of lbs since i ate yesterday and didn't purge. I closed my eyes and was almost weeping for the mercy of the scales as it ticked over the numbers.

  The verdict was in - up 1lb! Even though it was an increase, i was still happy. It was a manageable amount to lose quickly - no problems as all. I could get back on track without too much trouble. I relocated to the kitchen just in time for lunch. I cooked more cheesy pasta (same as yesterday) then followed it up by 2 magnum ice creams. There was an element of guilt when i purged, that hadn't been there yesterday. I knew what i was doing and the fact that others were away at work worrying that i was doing it. Drug addiction is so the right way to decribe it - it was a compulsion and there was no decision in the matter: I would be bingeing and purging.

  After i'd purged my lunch, i really wanted to b/p the chocolate orange i had saved, as well. But i decided against it, as it was getting close to my driving lesson and i didn't want to faint again today, when driving!! I was still a bit shaky this morning, but tried to drink more. A lot still found its way out with my purging though.

  I went out for my driving lesson 1-3. There were points where i felt tired but i wasn't really bad, and i definitely didn't feel faint. It went really well and i made sure to take a bottle of drink with me, which i sipped on the way round. This was probably a good idea given that the car was hot and i was thirsty.

  Soon after i'd got in, i stuffed the chocolate orange and a brown roll, then spent the next 30 mins flushing it. My sister came home at 3.30, earlier than usual. Luckily everything was tidied and in order. She didn't speak much to me and seemed cold, and then she went back out at 4pm. Half an hour later i got a call from her asking for me to bring her bank card because her other one wasn't working and now she was stranded at a till. So i had to march into town with her card.

  We met mum as she was in the supermarket. She was picking up bits for tea and said did i know what i was having for tea. I just said that i wasn't sure yet. She is clearly picking up more food to entice me now, as she chose the extra thick white bread which i love instead of the thinner bread which i suggested on the reasons that it wouldn't go to waste. There were so many things my hands were itching to pick up in there, but i couldn't. I kept saying 'i'm sure theres something i was meant to get', and i think it's just because i'm so used to buying chocolate that it feels like i've forgotten something if i don't get any.

  When we got home, mum said tea was probably going to be at 7pm. I managed to worm out of the question of 'are we going to eat together?'. It's not that i mind the eating together part, but i don't want to eat the food then meet opposition when i want to go up to my room (and purge). I'd rather not eat, although it's bloody hard for a bulimic not to when its being offered right there.

  I went to my room and at 6.30 i was offered a tomato as a snack. I did fancy it, but thought that it would would just be extra calories to add onto my tea later. It would be best to save it till another time. I went back to my laptop, and when i next looked at the time i realised it was after 7pm. I came out of my room and went downstairs to find my family eating their own tea.

  I always feel a sense of betrayal when this happens, as i have usually spent the last hour or so revving myself up for it. But at the same time, i was so thankful - it was like a get out of jail free card. I sat with them and tried to keep the conversation going so we weren't left with an awkward silence where everyone realised poppy had no food to fill her mouth. It was quite painless today actually, and at pudding no one metioned the lost magnums.

  The only upsetting part of the tea was that my sister wouldn't look at me. This has been happening for a few days now. She has ignored me, snapped at me whenever i try to talk to her and looked at me as if i'm a piece of poo. She is really angry with me. Anger is always her default emotion with anything. I try to understand, but i'm finding it increasingly difficult to not get angry myself. I'm not quite sure what to do. I've talked to my mum, and we decided i'd email and write to her, as we tend to say more to each other when it's not face to face. Hopefully it'll help.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH:
  Small Plate of Cheesy Pasta with Tomatoes
  2 Magnum Ice Creams

  TEA:
  Nothing

  SNACKS:
  1 Chocolate Orange
  1 Brown Roll with Butter

  TOTALS: Unknown
 
  PS.
  Bonnie - I suppose seeing a doctor about fainting would make sense, i did consider it for a moment. Although i've already seen her once, so i'm just waiting on another appointment now. Fainting on your own is the most scary, as you realise no one would have found you for a while. I'm sure you remember the blog where i had fainted 3 times? That was the most scary, but it wasn't in front of people. That actualy feels more out of control than doing it in the privacy of your own bathroom.
  Yeah, i know it's not all about weight. It is all my purging, but i guess it's my ED mentality taking over, and making excuses.
  Good luck with shifting your weight - i hate plateaus with a vengeance! So often you break into bingeing, instead of remaining strong like your supposed to do! Let me know what you eat and how it's gone...

  Kristina - Sorry, i miss your message on the previous blog! I think you read my blog just as i'm writing a new one, so i always miss your messages. Well, not this time! haha! Good job on losing the 9lbs - at least now you know it'll be progress all the way. I find the hardest thing is building motivation to lose weight that you have recently gained, because it never feels like progress! How have you done today? Broken through the plateau? I think half of weight loss must just be 'flatlining' (good way to describe it!) every few lbs! :P

  Sarah - I know what you mean Sarah, no offense taken. I wish i didn't purge, but i just can't an alternative at the moment. Families can be pains or comforts depending on all sorts of things. Do you mean your family avoid talking about personal things on purpose or your just not very close?

  So, now i'm going to snooze.
  Glad you're all good. By the way - HAPPY 1ST SEPTEMBER!

  x Poppy x

Eating Disorders are Scary Things

 Things have got a bit more serious today and i'm here to dutifully report it. At length, due to this, i am feeling exhausted, bloated and unhappy. I will write my blog as usual and i'm sure you'll see in due course, what i'm talking about.

 
  So, i got up a little later today at 11am. I have been finding that i've been dozing back off to sleep more often recently. When i did get up i weighed myself - i had remained the same. This didn't surprise me or worry me, as the weight loss had been sudden anyway.

  I had to force myself to have a shower, as for some reason this is something that i am finding difficult at the moment. It worries me, as i remember when i had serious depression, i started neglecting to wash and couldn't face doing anything. I don't want to get that bad again.

  After the shower, i went downstairs and, without even stopping to think, began making my first binge / purge of the day. I cooked it all up and sat in front of the tv eating it all, followed by an ice cream. I had bought a bag of pretzels the day before because i really fancied them, and now i ate the entire pack, along with a snickers. Then i purged it all.

  Following that, i went on my computer for a while before deciding that i needed to pop into town before i went walking with a family friend. One thing i had to do was go and get my watch links removed, because as it had always been too big, i'd never worn it. When i took it in, they had to remove 5 links! The jeweler told me in a joking manner, 'Isn't it time you grew into an adult?!'. The watch does look really small admittedly, but i think my wrists are one of the areas that has just got really thin.

  After that, i went to the supermarket to pick up some more ice creams for home. I got a lift back to my house with the family friend, and put the ice creams away. I wasn't able to hide them like i did before because she was watching. Then i packed a bag with my bottle of pepsi max, and all my other bits and we went off walking. I was feeling thirsty all the way round, so had some swigs of my drink. I felt really tired and i could feel my heart pattiering away.

  The walk had been difficult, and i was glad when we were almost home. I decided to wait to have any more fluid until i was home. We were climbing the last hill when we stopped to talk with a friend of the woman i was walking with. We chatted away and the sun seemed really hot. My heart was still fluttering and i started to feel really sick. I remember thinking that i should move over to the wall and sit on it for a moment. Then everything went away from me and i fainted.

  The next thing i remember is the two women leaning over me, trying to get me to sit up. I couldn't believe i actually fainted - and in front of people. This was so going to find its way back to my mother. I couldn't stand so i sat on the curb and chugged down some of my pepsi max. They got the car and drove me the last few minutes home. When i was at home i apologised profusely to the family friend. She said she was just concerned. I had a pint of squash to fill me, but i still felt shaky and sick.

  In the end, the friend stayed another 45 minutes until it was 5pm, then left. I had a seriously sore left buttock, and still do now, but apart from that i was unscathed. I quickly cleaned the bathrooms, as i'd promised my mum, then went on the computer.

  When my mum got home, she sat and had her tea, i sat with her. I was going out with a friend in the evening so i didn't have anything with her. I disappeared for a bit and when i returned, i could tell she had got wind of what had happened. She asked me why i hadn't told her, and i said it was because i knew she'd be told by the other person. I told her it was because i hadn't anticipated the hot weather and i was dehydrated. She said she knew that wasn't the truth and people who are thirsty don't just faint. But i'm pretty sure i did faint from dehydration, it's just that it wasn't simply from a lack of drinking enough.

  She said if i had been underage, she'd have been able to do something by now, but because i'm older she can't. I find it odd when people say they 'don't want to lose' me, because all i can think is 'i'm not underweight though. i'm not anorexic, so i'm not serious'. Although i'm sure if i did get underweight, i'd think of another excuse.

  At 6.30pm, i went out with my friend. I was still feeling really shaken at the reality of it all and my instinct for survival took over. I ordered a drink and a bowl of chips when we were at the pub. My friend had the same, and i felt a bit better because she had an eating disorder and she was eating it too. I noticed she left some though.

  When i got home at 8pm, i was still thinking food, so i had crusty bread with cheese and lettuce, then i thought i'd top it off with a magnum. I had expected to discreetly sneak upstairs at this point, although something in my brain told me it wasn't going to be that easy - not after this episode of fainting. It wasn't - Mum stood upstairs, waiting for me to go downstairs with her. When i realised i was not going to be able to get away with it, i felt really helpless and got in a panic about not being able to get my knitting out of it's box. We hugged again and i said 'i hate this'. If i'd have realised that i was going to be under supervision, i wouldn't have eaten the bread or ice cream, most especially the ice cream.

  I went downstairs, with the ice cream swilling around in my throat. It really was disgusting and awful, especially given that it's been ages since i've actually let anything sit in my stomach. I knitted away, my sister has decided to be pissy at me and give me the cold shoulder. I think she's angry at me for fainting, and that only makes me madder at her.

  When 10pm hit, we all went upstairs. In the seclusion of my room, i couldn't help it anymore. I had to find somewhere to purge the little amount that i could still feel weighing down my stomach like lead. I knew purging into my usual place was too obvious, as mum would probably check that the next day to ensure i didn't do anything. Instead, i emptied out one of my hairgrip containers, which is a tiny tupperware box. I purged something into it - what it was, i'm not sure.

  I can still taste the grease of the chips in my breath and my throat though. It is the most repugnant thing, and i want to claw it out. My stomach is bloated and hurts. I now have no control over what i weigh tomorrow and that thought is killing me. I know i'm going to increase, it's a certainty. I am already thirsty, and one thing i've learnt is to drink. But i'm too afraid of the increase tomorrow to have any now.

  My pulse has whizzed from 52bpm to 76bpm, which, although now in normal range, still shows a worrying increase in heart rate. I don't know why though.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE #1:
  Plate of Cheesy Pasta with Tomatoes
  1 Magnum Almond
  1 Snickers Duo
  1 Large Bag of Salted Pretzels

  TEA / [partial] PURGE #2:
  1 Small Baguette with Cheese and Lettuce
  1 Magnum Gold

  SNACK:
  1 Portion of Chips with Mayonnaise

  Totals: Don't want to know

  PS.
  Sarah - Glad your day has been good. I guess one day can be as different as the next, as we've seen today! I think the hand spasm was just me with cold hands - i have Reynauds, which is where you get limited circulation to your extremities such as hands or feet. I usually get it worse in my feet, but mum said my hands and nose were cold today as well. Yeah, i love my family but it's difficult when all you want them to do is butt out. I know they only care, but it fights against everything my head is telling me. How about you family? Are they understanding?
 
  Bonnie - Thats so true how eating disorders are like drug addictions! I always worry people think i'm being melodramatic when i say that, but it's so true! It becomes a fix you must have in order to feel better, and when you don't you get anxious and panicky.
  That's great that you are feeling better in yourself with this new detox. I think that's important and i admire you for ridding your body of that junk. It's not an easy thing to do when you're so used to popping a chocolate bar in your mouth!
  I think i'm going to experience the negatives of weight fluctutation tomorrow. I'm praying that a miracle might happen and that i don't put on, but i think it's inevitable. I mean, chips and cheese and bread then no purging? It's asking for it really, and i bet my body is going to enjoy torturing me and pushing my weight back up another 3-4lbs. We'll have to see if i'm right. I hate it when the body puts on weight for no reason because for that whole day you are then set in a bad defeatist mood. It sets the whole tone. How have you done today? Lost the lb?
  My family have ALWAYS been over-sensitive about food! They do understand what i'm feeling, etc, but i'm not stopping so, despite understanding they are now becoming infuriated. I don't blame them, but i'm finding it really hard to stop. I can't see a way to and i wish i could.

  Must go to sleep now, i can't stand feeling this bloat anymore - it's driving me nuts.

  x Poppy x

Cooking up a storm with a cake

 
  Firstly, i want to say a big thanks for your encouraging comments. It really does make me feel better that i'm not just typing these words out onto a cold unfeeling computer and watching them drinft apart into distant corners of the web. I really do take each comment aboard. I'll add ps' at the end of the blog.

  I have never known so much commotion and controversy of baking as i seem to get with my family. Just put a cake in a room with them, and a lot of the reasons for how i am with food become abundantly obvious.

I cooked a cake today, which started off as an idea for cupcakes then i decided to do a full on sponge cake. It was made with my friend in mind - her father almost died recently and is still very ill. As soon as they saw it, i could see their eyes flare. I had to calmly explain that it was for my friend. However, the cake was a little sunken, the buttercream pooled butter in the centre and i had no idea what it tasted like. In the end, i didn't risk giving a half baked sunken cake to my friend.

Before i went out for the evening, i noticed that a few pieces had gone. All i wanted was for them to enjoy it, and they treat it as though it's a punishment - something they have to endure. I said to my sister to feel free to have a piece. She glared at me as though i was something disgusting and said she had. She snapped that she really was trying to be good and that wasn't helping. When i said she didn't have to have any, she said it was the temptation and she wished i hadn't. It made me really upset, because all i was trying to do is something nice.

I'm pretty sure this has meshed into my psyche of eating. I mean, if my family get angry at me for cooking food and making sweet treats, that enforces the idea that food is bad. I must be punished for cooking, and am glared at for trying to put more thought and consideration into what i'm cooking.

Am i wrong in my assumptions? Am i being overly critical of my family? I just feel really upset by the whole thing. I love cooking and want to experiment, but i feel that i'll get slapped wrists and the silent treatment if i try to make anything else.

I have sort of done this the wrong way round, because now i need to tell the day from the beginning.



Change of Plans
 I didn't get up too dismally late today, and managed to get up at 10.15am. It made me uneasy just to think of the fact that it was only my parents and i in the house. I was expecting some sort of disapproving chat or pissed-off huffing by the end of the morning. The first 45 minutes of which i spent answering a constant barrage of texts.

  Both my driving lesson and my planned walk were changed. I decided that after my resolution to meet up with friends more, i would text them. I planned to meet up with one friend a day, and text some. Apart from Wednesday now i am meeting a friend each day (bar the weekend for work reasons). Despite the fact i always get a stab of fright when i think about stepping outside my comfort zone into a social situation, i know it'll be fine once i'm there. It'll be good.

  I weighed myself and was so happy to see i had gone down 2lbs! I don't know how that happened and i suspect that it means i will stay the same tomorrow. I'm always one for pessimism, and with weight being so precarious, i have ample chance to be right!

DIY Binge
  It wasn't long before my parents went out to meet friends. They offered me to go with them for lunch, but both they and i knew this was unlikely and i was left in the house alone. I knew what to do next. I was used to this routine now - it's as thoughtless and instinctual as breathing.

  I cooked some quorn pieces before putting them in corn tortillas with cheese, sauce and lettuce. I think because the whole DIY aspect of the meal and doing it every time you want another, meant that i didn't have as many as i'd wished. It was probably a good thing because they were an absolute nightmare to get rid of. In order to coax my body into action, i also ate ice cream. Then i purged it.

  But that wasn't quite the end, there was an encore. I suddenly had a strange compulsion to have a banana, so i cut one up and took it up to my room. There i ate it, followed by 1/4 of the bag of minstrels from the day before. I purged that as well.

  I got really paranoid that i hadn't got rid of it all and that i was going to have gone up again. I rushed to the bathroom and weighed myself again, only to find i hadn't. I decided not to push my luck, and put away the last few minstrels in the bag.

 The cake saga and meeting a friend
  The afternoon went slow and it wasn't until later in the afternoon that i decided to make the cake. Quite soon after i'd finished, my parents came home. They didn't say anything about the cake apart from look. When i saw the look, i had to say, like an apology, that it was for my friend. Anways, that went pear-shaped and now it's staying at home.

  As soon as we decided it probably wasn't best to give them the cake, i cut off a piece to try. I was convinced it was going to be dry, but it was soft and creamy. I was chuffed, but still made a quick exit upstairs to get rid of it. I'm still worried now that it has dampened my chances of progress for tomorrow morning. Before i went out, i did cut off a piece for my friend and have decided, as everyone at home is so displeased, to portion off pieces and give them away.

  I decided to skip tea at home as i had had the cake, and if my parents needed an excuse, i would just tell them that i thought we were going to be getting takeaway. I met with my friend and we chatted for a good while as it got dark around us (we were outside). She said to me 'You've lost a lot of weight!'. I am gone past the point of saying in mock suprise 'oh! have i?', because there would be no way that by this point i wouldn't have noticed! Instead i just say 'Yeah, i have'. In my tone, there is an inflection of 'duh'.

  We went to buy drinks from the local shop and my friend asked if i was getting anything alcoholic. I said no and clung onto my pepsi max. I wanted to but alcohol has too many calories and i couldn't guarantee id' be able to rid myself of it. As we left, i pulled on my hoodie over my 2 vest tops and jumper. I was going to get cold tonight, i could feel it.

  My prediction was right. I didn't finish talking with my friend until 9.30pm and as i waslked home my fingers went in and out of spasm. It was really bizzare like when you wake up and realise you have lost all control of one of your limbs.

  Now i'm home, warm and tired. Tomorrow's plans include another friend meet, a walk in the afternoon and i need to get the links taken out of my watch so i can actually wear it!

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE #1:
  2 Corn Tortillas filled with Quorn Pieces, Cheese, Sauce and Salad
  2 Magnum Original Ice Creams
  A Twirl Bar
  1 Grape
  1 Banana
  1/4 Pack of Large Minstrels

  TEA:
  Nothing

  SNACK:
  1 piece of Homemade Cake

  Totals: Unknown

  PS.
  1) Bonnie - my constant commenter! :)
      The food plan your on sounds fantastic! I must admit, i've been itching to buy a vegan cookbook just to try out some of the recipies in there. I think there's so much more awareness of what your eating when you are vegetarian, and especially vegan. Fruits, veggies and nuts all sound like good things. Do you allow anything else? I suppose it's a mass shop at the health store then?!
      Thanks for the advice on the yoghurt - i'm going to keep my eye out for it. I can't believe it, i was so gutted when i found out and felt so guilty.
     I can admire and apprieciate how difficult it must be for you to break the binge habit and continue with this plan. Just think of how good your body is feeling, it's like a detox. I wish i could, but i'm too stuck in my ways at the moment i think. What you are doing sounds miles healthier than what i'm doing. Keep going and good luck with it!

  2) Thanks for the virtual hug Sarah. It made me feel better to know that someone was rooting for me to hang in. I have felt better today, and hopefully the rest of the week will also be better now that i've planned to meet up with people. How's your day been?

  3) Glad you like the 'summery' feel Kristina! I think this blog might be the last remnants of summer because the UK sure hasn't got them at the moment! I am trying to keep to the colour, and decor now - it's actually quite difficult! Are you having to deal with the rubbish weather yet?

  Right, my bums dropped off to sleep and that's what i want to do now :)
  Please leave your scrawls, doodles, epithets and other meanderings below - they add smiles to my happy bank :) :) :)
 
  X Poppy X

Being your own jailor - the shackles of self hate

  As much as i want to keep up the momentum of long prose-y blogs, i fear that today might be a bump in the road of that dream. I am feeling quite low and despondant today. This might have something to do with the fact i've only seen the inside of my bedroom walls since i returned from work at 12 midday.

  It's my own fault really - my room has become a haven from everyone, and a place of isolation and loneliness. Eating Disorders tend to enmesh you in your own little world, as i'm sure you're aware. Most people will, as a result, find that they are constantly removing themselves from the real world.

  The real world is my family and friends. Even as i write this, i have a lump in my throat. I haven't seen my parents since 12.30 and i only spent enough time with my sister to bolt down my food before my ED curled it's hand around mine and yanked me away. I haven't seen my friends in ages either. I think i will make a big effort in the dawn of this new week, to get in touch with friends and meet up. Also i will try to make sure that my family feel apprieciated in some way.

Well...that moment was actually somewhat unexpected. I wasn't planning on saying all that. I'm going to crack on with today's events before i fall asleep on the keyboard.

Oh, Buck-it!
  Somewhere in the distant recesses of my mind the 5am alarm sounded, i turned it off. As the fuzz of my room began to focus, i wiped my eyes, got up and glanced at the clock - 5.30am. I nipped to the bathroom and got on the scales - i was another lb down! i had reached my second goal of 122lbs! But along with the initial buzz came the cold dread that i wouldn't be able to sustain the loss if i wasn't good.

  I got ready for the breakfast shift at work and, due to the 'rents wanting a lie-in, i walked to work. The frost was still in the air so it was FREEZING. To me anyways... I had to double wrap my cardigan over me and walk fast. I HATE the cold, which is going to make this winter awful given my weight loss and general lowering of temperatures.

  I got in the warm, and made sure i stayed vitually glued to the toaster and its heat. As i was pushing the toast through the toaster and polishing silverware i remembered something that made me cringe: I have forgotten to empty my bin (aka. sick bucket) before leaving home. It was the most important thing i had to do that morning and i had forgotten. I cringed because i knew mum would have already found it and have ad to empty it. That thought made me really ashamed. Fuck.

  Here I go again, On my own
  After i finished work at 12 midday, i picked up my sister's lunch for her. I bought more bad things for myself - yes, i know. I give you full permission to eye roll. When i went into the shop, i spent a good 5 minutes looking at the back of yoghurt cartons to see if there were any low cal ones that were vegetarian. I had no luck and gave up. I bought more munchie cake bites, a large to-share bag of minstrels and a bag of salted cashews. I met my parents and we went home.

  Once home, i burrowed away to the seclusion of my room. My bucket had been emptied. I'm telling you now - the sooner i get back to work the better. All this free time is making me more reclusive and having bigger binge/ purges rather than restricting. It's because i have nothing else to do. It's no excuse i know. I came downstairs briefly, although bregrudgingly to sort out some necessary paperwork. I was in a snappy temper then, and that was mostly due to the timing of the request to go downstairs.

  Cashew see i'm busy?
  I had been in the middle of a binge, you see. I can't even remember what triggered this binge - it all sort of bleeds into one another like a rained on watercolour. I ate the cashews and then some of the munchie bites. i was having a hard, but not impossible time of purging them when my mum asked if i come downstairs and do the paperwork. Well, you can imagine how i felt - pissed off, even though it was a reasonable request. But the reply, 'NO! Go away, i'm purging!' doesn't go down too well. Hence the reason i didn't go with that option, i simply went downstairs, hoping that if i complied i'd get away quicker.

  It was quick and i was safely installed in my room again. A short while later my parents went out for a walk. I slunk downstairs and made a cheese sandwich with crisps, followed by an ice cream, and chocolate bar, and the last of the falafels. Now you can all join in for the chorus - 'and then i purged it'. I weighed myself again and made sure i weighed the same as the morning.

  By the time evening came, i had been in my room watching dvds for hours. I feel awful for being so lazy and selfish today. My parents only came back breifly before going out again, which left me to suffer dinner with my sister. It's the dinner part that gets me, not my sister. I just feel sorry for her that her only dinner partner comes down to cook the meal then rushes off upstairs without saying a word. We had the whole works and, as i just stated, i then rushed off upstairs, munched my way through half of the pack of minstrels i bought and...well, you can sing the chorus yourself.

  It may be a fleck of gold in a mountain of rubble, but i feel slightly good about the fact that i managed to stop eating the packet of minstrels. I think it was due to the fear that i might actually put on weight.

  FOOD DIARY

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  PRE LUNCH PURGE 1#:
  A Bag of Salted Cashews
  A Box of Munchie Cake Bites

  LUNCH / PURGE #2:
  A Cheese Sandwich on Thick White Bread
  A Packet of Salted Crisps
  A Twirl Bar
  1 Falafel Bite
  1 Magnum Gold Ice Cream

  DINNER / PURGE #3:
  Quorn Gruyere Escalope
  Mashed Potato
  Peas
  Vegetable Gravy
  1/2 To-Share Bag of Minstrels

  TOTAL: Unknown

  So now i'm tired, grumpy and repentant. Hopefully tomorrow will be a happier day.

  ...x Poppy x...

  Ps. To Bonnie: Glad you like the layout. I figured the snail was an accurate representation of how fast my weight loss feels to me! Good to hear you have a plan - What sort is it? What's involved? Keep me posted :)

Our New Home: Unpacking the Day

  ...We Have Landed!

  I hope you all like the new blog. I just think it looks so much tidier and more attractive. There is also a wider space for the blog writing so you aren't having to read a word per line! As time goes on i will add to this, and if there is anything you particularly want to see on here, let me know because it will go to the top of my list :)

 I am struggling to find some point to start with. It has neither been a day filled with obstacles nor has it been plain sailing, it has not been a good day yet it hasn't been a horrific day (where i gain and/or eat without purging). It has been a pretty mediochre day, so prepare for a load of nothing much. I'm afraid i can't say that today is the day when i got my eating back under control again. When i do, be ready for streamers, banners, large fonts - the whole caboodle!

  'Hi Ho, off to work i go':
 The night before,i had dutifully set my alarm for 5am so i had time to get ready and then read for 30 minutes or so. Do you think i could get up? No! I was so tired and in the end i set my alarm back and back until i had to roll onto my feet at 6.20am. I felt quite dizzy for a second, but, as usual, it passed as soon as i stood still. As the numbers on the scales flashed up, i did a silent whoop of joy. I had got to 123lbs! Another step acheived! In my journal i started in February, i made my second goal weight 122lbs, so i am keen to reach it.

  At work, i actually felt no attraction towards the food and found it easy to steer away from it. This might be something to do with the fact that i have stationed myself out the back, manning teas and coffees rather than watch over the buffett and people digging in.

  There is a potential reason for this new outlook on the food though. Last weekend i had a sudden compulsion to take some of the mini pots of condiments home with me. I had the feeling that if i took them and suddenly felt like apricot jam then it would be there and i wouldn't panic. If i had them, everything would be ok. Well, this weekend it was the mini boxes of cereals. These are fantastic because they are individually packaged. I took two different ones (on which i later wrote the portion calories). I can't explain it, but it's getting a bit scary, because whats next? shoplifting? crime just to get my kicks feels like a real new low.

  Time moved slowly for the morning, but i enjoyed the hunger pangs because i was too busy to do anything about them. At 11.30am, finished my shift and things shifted.

 Making work for idle:
 Once i was off work, i checked in on my sister who has been so busy in her job that she hasn't had time to get lunch. I said i'd go and get her lunch and set off down the road. It seems hypocritical that i am worried about her not eating and will buy her food, but i won't aplogise for it. I can't do much about myself for the moment, but i can at least use my knowledge of eating to aid others. I know how easy it is to slip into routines and patterns that lead to an eating disorder. As a result, i find i'm super heightened to signs and interpreting things.

  At the supermarket i pick up a meal deal for my sister...and the following: a bottle of pepsi max, terrys chocolate orange and munchies mini cake bites. I know, i know - i shouldn't. But i have a hording instinct, like the country is suddenly going to go into a munchie shortage overnight and i won't be able to eat what i want. I feel if i have the food then i will lose the desire to buy and eat them. It may not work, but it doesn't stop me acting like a squirrel when i get to the confectionary aisle!

  I drop the lunch off for my sister then pick up a few extra items before returning home. These items were more shit - a bar of Frys orange creme and a large bar of Green and Blacks caramel. Back home, i hide the food and change. I slip into a dress - it has become lose since i last wore it and i can move around in it. It isn't long before i decide i'm too cold in the dress and change into a hoodie that wears me like a potato sack. My parents are out and i know they are going to be out for a little while longer.

  I attempted to withstand temptation and divert my hunger onto a more acceptable low fat yoghurt. I take it carefully up to my room and actually look forward to taking my time with it. Then i read the ingredients: ...inverted whatchamacallit, colourings, aspartame, cherry bits, GELATINE,... Shit! I couldn't have it! My safety net of food had been whipped from under me! I go downstairs and check my other yoghurts - all have gelatine. I can't believe it, i had been eating those without realising. I cannot feel guilty because i can't do anything about it now, but its another thing off my list.

  Left with nothing, i binge. Despite the fact it started off as a simple lunch and purge, it built into the largest purge of my day. All my foods i had bought, sans the chocolate orange, was hoovered up by my irrational need and i purged it all. I ate the bread, tortilla and falafels in my room and it was at this fatal point when my parents returned and asked that i help with some housework. I didn't panic because i wasn't busting with food so the feeling of wanting to purge was manageable until i was alone again. The job took 10 minutes at most and placated them. Once that was done, they went back out for the afternoon and i binged / purged the rest as well.

  In the balance:
  My day is a constant exercise of getting on and off the scales. In the morning i weighed myself 4 times, to allow for an average weight and to check accuracy. After the binge i jumped on the scales again. They read lower than the morning and i was so happy but also worried that the result was faulty. Altogether i weighed myself 6 times. After satisfying myself for the time being, i got off the scales and settled down to an afternoon of reading and the internet. Surprisingly, i have not ended up with a food fascination today!

  My sister came home around 4pm. Things became increasingly tense when we were asked by our mum to take our pet to be groomed at the last minute. My sister hadn't been home long, we overcame the difficulty of money by saying we'd have to stop in town, then the carrier was soaked and we couldn't find a substitute, then we left the envelopes at home to put the money in. Things got really horrible. But on the way back in the car, my sister apologised and said things just got really tense. She said she fancied chocolate, did i think we should get any. I said i didn't mind. I mean, if i get some i horde it and don't eat it with people, if i don't then it will save me another b/p. In the end, she said she was trying to be good and we drove past the places. I bet to myself that she'd change her mind later on.

  Faking Friends:
  As the afternoon turned to the evening, my parents returned. I haven't seen them properly since lunch today. I didn't come out of my room really and i feel really guilty for that. Before i knew where the time was going, it was 7pm. My parents left for a party and my sister and i were left in the house. She suggested tea and i realise i don't have the will to start up another argument by refusing. If i say no, she gets lonely and eats tea alone, and kicks up an almighty strop. So i say sure. Here comes the excuse - i say i will have tea but i have to get back online for 8pm to speak with my friend abroad because of time difference. Talk about inventive! Eating disorders certainly get you using your imagination!

  That gave me 20 minutes to cook the food and eat it. It was long enough to eat with the proper decorum, but without the food having time to settle. I had pasta, as did my sister and we ate it together. I felt awful, because as much as i wanted to sit and enjoy the evening with her, i had a bigger need to go to my room and purge. This need formed into purge #2. On top of my tea, i ate the last of my bought foods - the chocolate orange. Thus my horded foods go back down to 0, unless you count the cereal.

  On the scale, off the scale. I decide not to drink anything else this evening/night so as not to jeapordise my chances of getting lower. I am feeling quite horribly guilty now because for the rest of the afternoon i left my sister on her own downstairs. It's not that we aren't used to having alone time, but i have flaked out on our sister nights so often recently. It's usually because they involve large amounts of food and not being able to escape to purge. I will have to find a way to make it up before she goes...

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE 1#
  1/2 Tortilla
  2 Hunks of Crusty Bread with Butter
  1 Fry's Orange Creme Bar
  1 box of Munchies Cake Bites (15 Squares)
  1 Large Green and Blacks Caramel Bar
  1 Tropical Solero Ice Cream
  2 Falafel Bites

  TEA / PURGE 2#:
  1/2 Pack of Asparagus Tortellini
  Mixed Salad
  1 Hunk of Bread with Butter
  1 Terrys Chocolate Orange

  Snacks:
  Nothing

  TOTALS: Unknown

  Another day done and dusted. Not long before i go back to full time work, then i'll be able to restrict easier and get a hold of this monster thats raging in me.

  Please use this new blog as an opportunity to introduce yourself, and make your opinions know, albeit not overtly rude ones.

  Welcome to all,

  X Poppy X

 [By the way, i want to thank whatever god in human form created blog automatic saver, because my computer conked out on me halfway through this blog and i could have lost it all if it wasn't for that!]

Let me count the ways i hate thee, my own body - 1.2..3...4....5...

I was so set out with good intentions to come on here early this evening and go to bed before 10pm. But, alas, instead i will survive the morning shift at the restaurant with itchy eyes.

Today's cameo in my food fascinations (that i seem unable to control), is the cupcake. I don't think all this free time is doing me much good - too much time on the web. With google popping up every few seconds, it only takes a few taps to access hundreds of pictures of your most forbidden and lusted after foods. I decided to spare you an actual picture of a cupcake as sometimes the pictures trigger. I know they do me.

This afternoon has been awash with image after image of cupcakes and recipies. I even got it into my head to start cataloging the flavours, and coming up with my own! I suddenly got it into my head that if i had the money i would be good at cupcakes and do unusual flavours. I craved them so badly, and drooled over the buttercream, sprinkles, cookies and sponge. Oh dear, i'd better not star thinking about it now!

When thinking about today in terms of food, it has been no more or less bulimic than yesterday. In my eyes, every day i eat is bad. I looked back on all my old blogs, and can't believe that i was actually more controlled then, with my model low calorie intake, than i am now. And yet, here i am lower in weight than i was then. I miss that control and conviction and i wish i could get back on the straight and narrow and get it back. Somehow it feels a far way off...



Here we go_____

 I woke up at 6am, and, rather than returning to sleep, quickly snuck to the bathroom to weigh myself before everyone got up. In the haze of the pre-alart stages, i was less than extatic but not depressed at the numbers. I officially weighed the 124lbs i had wanted to return to. I snuck back to bed and dosed off. 7am arrived and I lolled across my bed for 10 minutes before having to succumb to the fact that i acutally had to get up. I took my pulse, which was at a lowly 43bpm and gritted my teeth, hoping the doctor didn't see fit to check it herself. I got in the shower and ran my hands across my belly and over my hip bones. I have a new found love for them, but my belly is still huge. No matter how much i look at my thighs, they look no different than when i was 200lbs. They really look the same to me.

  I pulled on my jeans, a couple of vest tops and a hoodie before leaving. I hated the journey up to the surgery, even though it was only 5 minutes. I felt so uncomfortable and agitated, i just wanted to get out of the car. Mum asked if both her and my stepdad could come in and actually see the doctor with me. I made a face and she said, well can we come into the waiting room, or do you want us to wait in the car? Clearly, if she had had her way, she would have come to see the doctor and would have said things too. I scrunched up my face and said sure, she could sit in the waiting room, whatever.

  When we got there, i shoved my hands deep into my pockets and marched ahead. I felt like i was being escorted and it made me waspish. We sat down in the absolutely empty waiting area and i didn't even try to make conversation with my mum. Luckily she didn't either. My doctor is someone who my family have know, albeit not closely, for years. That is the problem with a small town, everyone knows everyone. I like her as a doctor though, and don't let this impinge on anything that i might have to talk to her about in a doctor/patient manner.

  After (quite a bit) of stammering and unfinished sentances, i told her that i was there under the suggestion of others and that, although i'm aware i have an eating disorder, i was not sure i wanted to be there. She asked me general questions about mood and if i was binging and purging. She knew that i already had a diagnosis, and that i knew what i was talking about so there was no need to delve deeper at that time.

  Then she asked me if i was angry at my parents for bringing me. I couldn't help but feel she'd hit the nail on the head. I said that, although i understand where they are coming from, i am angry. She said they only cared and were worried for me. I think she was told stuff by my mum the other day, when she went to the surgery - that's how she knew. Luckily, she didn't do many checks although, as predicted, she did ask to do my weight and height to check bmi. I could have told her that without the need to do scales again (and probably more accurately given i was weighted with my clothes on). I had to shut my eyes when she weighed me because, although i wanted to look to see what she would have seen, i knew that i was lighter than that and i felt fat. I felt like saying 'hey! i know that what scale is telling makes it seem like i'm fat, but i'm really lighter. see - i'll take all this off and show you'. As if a few lbs are suddenly going to make me look so much slimmer to her.

  Anyway, she said she'd refer me to the specialist eating disorder intervention team. I have been with two counties intervention teams, and so i know my way up the ladder of referal now. I will have to meet with a CPN and a probably a social worker to have an assessment, then it's usually followed by 6 weeks of cognitive behavioural therapy (in short, couselling except you are supposed to be proactive about it). Hopefully they will take their time about contacting me and give me a few extra weeks, then i can lost a bit more. Even though the doctor hadn't said how long it would take for contact to be made, i told my mum it may take a few weeks. She was disappointed.

  When we got home, she told me that in the meantime i should make changes towards a healthier lifestyle. I ignored her, shrugged and did whatever else i could do to squirm out of the situation. It was only 8am by the time we got back and i was already hungry. I think my body was preparing for a lunch binge/purge, as it hasn't been used to earlier starts. I hate getting up early because your body gets hungry earlier. My parents decided to go food shopping and asked me to go with them. So i said i would and i decided to take a yoghurt to eat in the car with me. When they asked why i didn't eat it in the few minutes before we left, i said it was because i didn't want to rush it. This was true - i didn't want to bolt it down, at least with the car hourney, i knew i had at least 20-25 minutes of time. I timed myself, carefully licking the spoon and made sure i took no less than 10 minutes to eat the yoghurt.

  At the supermarket, i found it impossible to slip away from my parents and get any binge food. It's not that i had an exact binge planned, but i like to have food there as a backup otherwise i get nervous. I got way too enthusiastic over too many things in the supermarket. There are more things, which when i point them out, my parents say 'have it' than before. It's probably a worry thing, i know. Everytime i tried to find an excuse to look at the vegetarian food, or go and pay for items that i argued were definitely mine to pay for, they found reasons and wiped the arguments away. I managed to get some jelly beans though and some yoghurts. There were some other bits too but they aren't important now.

  On the way home, they produced a couple of large chocolate bars they had bought and kept offering me pieces. I gave in and ate 4!! After the first, you can reason off with restricting, but after 4 i knew i'd have to purge if i could hold them in my stomach.

  Once we were back at home with the shopping packed away, my parents said they were going to go for a run. Relief! My moment was here - i would be free to eat and purge! As soon as they left, i was at the freezer, dragging out those 3 ice creams i had stashed away yesterday. Then a scone followed and pretzels and a rice pudding and falafels. I don't think there was anything else - it's a bit of a haze so i can't quite remember. I purged it all.

  By the time they got back i was ready for round two as i knew they wouldn't let me get away without having lunch. Lunch was buffet of cheese, bread, pickles, crisps and tortilla followed by another yoghurt. I ate like a pig and had loads. Some fate must have been on my side, because afterwards they both had to go out for 10 minutes leaving me alone in the house. Cue cake slice, marzipan and purge #2.

  When they returned, i was doing to house cleaning then snuck off to my room for the afternoon to drool over cupcakes! By the time tea came around, i guess i was in blinkered bulimia vision and just 'enjoying' (i use this in want of a better word for the 'binge high' you get before binges) the ride. I was hungry, but didn't want to wait for the rest of the family to sit down an eat. Largely because i knew the parents would proabaly keep talking to me and try to find a reason to keep me downstairs. If i was going to have tea, i would HAVE to be able to purge afterwards. I told my family i wanted to eat now, and then mooched around the kitchen until my mum had to nip out to pick up some milk or someting from the shops.

  As soon as she had closed the door, i put the pasta in to boil. By the time she was back, i had stuffed (and i mean stuffed) down the pasta, 2 hunks of bread and salad. As soon as the rest of the family came into the kitchen and i had washed up, i made a swift exit out and up to my bedroom to do purge #3.

  I haven't left my room since then, other than to say night and do bathroon stuff. I know it't rough and disgusting and out of control. I'm hoping i can get back in control of it though and be stricter with myself, but i won't hold my breath...unless i want to look like a smurf.

  So, here's a sort-of breakdown for you:

  FOOD DIARY:
 
  BREAKFAST:
  1 low fat rhubarb yoghurt 98kcal

  PURGE#1:
  4 Pieces of Lindt Chocolate
  1 Magnum Almond
  2 Magum Gold
  1 Homemade Cheese Scone
  1 Bowl of Pretzels
  3 Falafel Pieces

  LUNCH / PURGE #2:
  4 Hunks of Crusty Loaf w. Butter
  Cheese Slices
  Pickle, Mayonnaise
  Handful of Pretzels
  5 Olives
  1 low fat orange yoghurt
  1/8 Tortilla
  1 Lemon Cake Slice
  1/4 Block Marzipan

  TEA / PURGE #3:
  1/2 Pack of Asparagus Tortellioni
  2 Hunks of Bread with Butter
  Salad with Tomatoes and Olives

  Y.U.C.K.
  In all truth, i think just having breakfast sets me off. If i don't give in early in the day, then i'm more likely to settle into my stride and have a better day. However, if i eat early on, i get a 'fuck it' approach to eating then and think that if i'm going to eat, i might as well do it large and then purge later.

  Must go now, as i have only 4 hours of sleep before i need to be up for work to serve greasy bacon to those who don't care where it sits on their thighs (lucky!),

  x Poppy x

My descent into madness

I'm feeling a bit barmy tonight. I have been quelling the need to binge for the last few hours by watching slimming programmes on my computer. I must admit i do get twinges of nostalgia everytime i feel the hunger pangs return. But for the last few minutes i have been smelling imaginary custard! Everyone in this house is in bed, and yet i'm smelling warm gloopy sweet custard! What madness is this?

To make things worse, whenever i feel like binging, i always google all my favourite foods and now i have a stash of them on my computer. It was at this time that they reappeared from their hidden file in the dusty corner of my hard drive. I try not to visit it too often, even though i have a running gallery of that file on my desktop! (Don't ask!)

Anyways, today's treat on show is marzipan. For some unfathomable reason, i have become a raving marzi-fan over the last few days! Don't get me wrong, i love the stuff, but suddenly i'm looking on sites and at recipies. Alas, this would be the best way to break into my tale of what has been going on in my life today... *fade out back to 9.30am today*

I woke up surprisingly early, given the fact i didn't get to sleep until 3.30am. This was largely because i was re-designing and re-blogging my new blog page, but more about that later on. When i woke up, i wobbled out of bed and fetched the scales. The weigh in this morning was disappointing despite the fact i weighed under 9st. It was disappointing because i had been hoping to push through the barrier and get back to the 124lb mark.

I got frustrated because i had been, relatively, good yesterday and hadn't purged my soup (at my mother's request). So to see that my body had not rewarded me for this, made me think : 'Well, fuck you then!'. So i decided the best way to get a bit lower and flush calories and water, etc, was to b/p. I had intended not to do it but i wanted to get to that low point.

It was already later in the day, as i stayed around in my room and finished the blog at around 11.30am. So, breakfast (cum lunch) was less 'fast' more 'break' as i broke any grains of will power i had built up since the tea last night. I binged / purged on any chocolate bars i had in my secret box, the ice creams in the fridge, bowl of pretzels and a large cheese sandwich. I went on the make homemade cheese scones, of which i ate 2 with lots of butter. I became pananoid that i wouldn't be able to get it all out, and spent a while purging as much as i could.

It's surprising how many habits slip under yo nose without you noticing, and before you see it coming, it feels like it's been there forever. Today when i was purging, every time food came up i would try to judge what it was and how much it was. I would keep a tally of how much of each food had been got rid of and what was still to come. It keeps me safe. I should have realised this habit from years ago when i measured out my vomit in the ice cream tub, from which i had just eaten the ice cream.

So after all the back and forth, measuring, bending, cleaning, weighing, i watched a dvd. Before i knew it time had moved on and it was 3pm. I became anxious to get into town to replace the ice creams i had purged. My sister was supposed to be home around 4.30 and the parents around 5, so i had to hurry. I walked quickly in, feeling a little weak today.

Firstly, i checked out my bank balance which was woefully overdrawn due to all my binge food buying. Then i visited the pharmacy to pick up some more caffiene pills and laxitives. I find i get really nervous now if i don't have some laxitives to hand, even if i'm not going to use them. The last thing i want to find is that i've had a big binge, haven't managed to get back to the original weight and have no laxitives! I would feel really panicky then...

I then go to the supermarket and try to stay as controlled as possible amongst the aisles and aisles of food. In the end i keep my cool and end up getting the following: 2 packs of ice creams to replace those purged, 6 pack of no sugar soft drink, a low fat soup to save me getting anxious about tea, milk because i used a bit when cooking the scones.

On the way home, i realise my sister might already be there, and actually pray to any god that might be listening to make her stay at work until i put the ice creams away. Well, it seems as though the gods must be watching a game or something because her car was parked outside the house when i got home. She saw the ice creams, and when she got one out, she wanted to know where the others were. I had tried to hide them in my section (because i had bought a few surplus and was trying to keep it for another binge). I have now stashed them inside old vegetarian boxes which no one will look in. How desperate am i?

She said she hadn't eaten all day while digging into a rice yoghurt. I get concerned. What a hypocrite i am! She asks me to make her a cheese sandwich, because no one does them like me. Of course no one makes a sandwich like a bulimic-anorexic foodie because we vitually salivate and make love to each ingredient as we make the meal!

Mum comes home and i hide in my room again, popping briefly down for heloos. I felt safe in my plans for the evening. I knew that mum and my sister were going exercising in the evening so while they were out, i could feign a meal and miss out on any weight that might creep it's way up from this morning. There was slight spanner in the works when my mum said my stepdad would be home sometime after they'd left, but that just meant i'd have to be quick.

When they went, i sprinkled a few wet pieces of pasta in the sink, left bits of cheese on the side, hid other parts of food and moved plates around to make it look like i had eaten and cleaned up after myself. I did it just in time, as my stepdad arrived just as i was leaving the kitchen. I stayed in my bedroom the rest of the evening, and luckily the smell of dinner did not waft up here tonight. Sometimes it's awful....

By the way, i'm just going to add in a slightly resentful note here. You may notice i am hardly talking about me exercising, it's all about others going out and doing it. This is largely because my mum moans and/or scowls at me for doing it. I have been vitually under a veto rule for exercise for the last couple of weeks and it's bugging me. I'm not underweight, and i quite fancy a quick trip to the gym as i have the time. I will make me feel revitalised and better. In fact, i'm probably feeling lethargic because of the fact i'm NOT doing any! However, most people at the leisure centre know my mum and would tell her if i went. That's why i won't be able to do spinning again for a while. It sucks! I think i'm just going to have to ignore them and go to the gym, because i hate not doing anything, i feel shit and unhappy and i want to exercise!

Ranting over! Gawd - a confessional and a rant in one day, i bet your wishing this blog would wrap up and shut up right now! Well, you almost have your wish.

Just to finish up with the food diary for the day. Please forgive the lack of calories next to the foods, when i binge i don't tend to look at the content of anything given that it's usually already in the cake hole before the wrappers hit the bottom of the bin:


FOOD DIARY:

BRUNCH BINGE/PURGE:

3 Reese's Cups
Caramac
1 Magnum Gold
2 Magnum Almond
1 Ritter Sport Marzipan
1 424g block of Marzipan
5 strawberries
1 bowl of pretzels
1 extra thick cheese sandwich
...with lettuce

LUNCH:
Nothing

TEA:
Nothing

SNACKS:
Nothing

DRINKS:
2pt of squash
1 can of diet coke

TOTALS: Unknown.

So that's the embarassing truth of it all. I have had a headache since the purge which i presume is because of not enough liquids. I had a can of coke when i got home, but i'm not going to drink anymore until tomorrow morning's weigh in.

Tomorrow is the dreaded day for the doctor's appointment at 7.40am. This probably means that if they run my stats they'll be low. They are always low in the morning. Both my parents have the day off and so they are going to drive me up there. I gave mum a look an she said they'd wait in the car, even though i said i'd walk back. I think they think i'm going to do a runner. In fact, i was until they volunteered to excort me there. I think i'm just going to tell the doctor that i'm not sure what to say as i am here on the recommendation of other people. I will give counselling or whatever a shot, can i go now...?

As long as she doesn't ask questions like 'When was your last period?' which gives away way too much on my part___(5.5 months), or 'How often, on average, do you purge?'____(about 4 times a day at the moment, but i purge virtually everything i eat). Oh - and the dreaded weight test, NO WEIGHING PLEEEASE! Damn, i'm squirming already!

Please send me a whole lotta love because i'm actually scared / angry / unsure,

XxPoppyxX