[Thumps her keyboard buttons with a bit too much vigor, music flicks from one song to another, eventually one is chosen]
Right, that sorts out music for another 3 minutes! See - this is why it takes me so long to write these things. I dither over pictures for about 20 minutes and then i get fussy over my music while i'm writing my blog! Hopeless!
For those of you who are completely bewildered by the picture above, it is from the extremely popular childrens book, 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar'.
The story in a nutshell -
Day 1: The hungry caterpillar eats through a single red apple
Day 2: The caterpillar eats through 2 green pears.
Day 3: The caterpillar eats through 3 purple plums.
Day 4: The caterpillar eats through 4 red strawberries.
Day 5: The caterpillar eats through 5 whole oranges.
Day 6: On this day, the caterpillar devours his way through many, different foods including; chocolate cake, ice-cream, a pickle, swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, a cherry pie, a single sausage, a cupcake , a whole slice of watermelon. The caterpillar then gets a stomachache as a result of eating all this food.
Day 7: The caterpillar eats through a single leaf, which makes the caterpillar feel better. The caterpillar then forms a chrysalis and becomes a butterfly.
I didn't bring this up to provide you with some easy bedtime reading, obviously. It's just today has been a continous mountain of eating and i have really felt like i'm the caterpillar on day 6. I remember reading this book when i was little, marvelling at how much he ate. Now i am the caterpillar. Even after i had finished eating the last meal, i was craving something else, something different. My hunger was insatiable. Unlike the caterpillar however, tomorrow is also looking bad on the food front. Hopefully i will get onto day 7!
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Even when i got up this morning, i had a feeling it was going to be rubbish. My weight had stayed exactly the same. Although i hadn't gained, i was hoping to get back to 119lbs again. It was already 11.30am, which meant 2.5 hours before meeting my grandma. I didn't even bother waiting until the polite time of day to start making lunch - it all got thrown together, in the over, in my mouth. I pushed down a cheese sandwich while cooking wedges in the oven. Once they were done i almost burnt my mouth trying to eat them so quick. Not finished yet, i ate an ice cream followed by 4 slices of extra thick toast with butter and marmite. Of course, i was staggering the purging as i was eating the food. The whole process was like some foul bulimic marathon, and it wasn't until it was almost 2pm that i realised i would actually have to wipe the drool off my chin and make myself presentable.
At 2pm, my grandma came round and we went out to the local cafe. I had to make a pit stop at the supermarket in order to get some money. Despite the fact the cash machine was free, i stil bought 2 chocolate bars and asked for cashback. The chocolate felt like insurance. At the cafe, I knew that i was safe with a diet coke, and low and behold if i didn't find that was exactly what they had run out of. Of all things - what place runs out of diet drinks??! I just had a tap water. A little while into our chat, my grandma said she fancied a piece of cake and i said i'd get it. When i went to order, my mouth said 2 pieces before my head could intervene. Even as they were putting the pieces on the plates, i regretted my slice and wished i hadn't. I ate it quickly, then squirmed in my seat, eager to get into a cubicle somewhere. I even stood up prematurely when my grandma was still talking. I felt awful, but more concerned about what the food inside of me was doing.
When we got back home i tried to get rid of the food with little luck. So i tried to encourage it out but drinking and eating the chocolate i had bought from the supermarket. It worked, and soon i was back in the kitchen eating my way through 4 crackers and crisps. Things were getting desperate in the kitchen, as i was foraging around for any food that was remotely tasty to eat quickly. I think i would have licked clean a jam jar if there was one around!
Just as i'd purged the crackers and crisps, my sister came home from work. We chatted for a bit and she seemed in a better mood today. So good so far... I quickly caught up on cleaning, trying to sweeten the parents up so their moods aren't prematurely off before we even approach the subject of food. This subject inevitably gets mentioned almost every day of our exsistance. What made me freak out was that today is was my sister who said she didn't want a jacket potato because she wants to cut back on carbs as she has a 'puffy round face'. I have never seen her pay so much attention to fat and carbs before and i'm really worried. I want to shake her and say 'You see what it's done to me? Don't do it! Don't do it!'. Are my fears justified or am i overreacting you guys? Please give me advice...
My mum came in a little later and said i looked low. I didn't feel all that low, maybe quiet. In truth, i'm not quite sure what feeling is right any more - i've got nothing to measure it against, no sense of normalicy from which to guide my emotions. At 7pm, my family all went out for a spin class and i was left alone. I was meeting up with a friend at 8pm, so there was no need for me to even pretend to eat. However, my body was still hungry and it confused me. It had no idea why - why should it be hungry when i've had all that food? Why can't i subdue it? I cooked a quick meal in the microwave for 10 minutes and scoffed a roll and chocolate bar in the meantime. I purged it all as fast as possible, but was still almost late for my meeting with my friend.
I tried to sip my diet coke slowly, hoping that the liquid would somehow disappear instead of settling in my body and ticking up the lbs on my scales. We chatted until 10.30pm then left. With everyone in their rooms, i sneaked to the bathroom to do one last weigh in before tomorrow morning. I had pushed up another lb. But i'm hoping it's just water weight, and am holding off the despair until tomorrows verdict.
FOOD DIARY
(Please be kind...)
BREAKFAST:
Nothing
LUNCH:
Cheese Sandwich
A Plate of Wedges with Salt and Sauces
1 Solero Ice Cream
4 Slices of Toasts with Marmite and Butter
SNACK / PURGE #2:
1 Piece of Carrot Cake
1 Turkish Delight Bar
1 Dream Bar
4 Crackers with Cheese
1/6 of Bag of Root Crisps
SNACK / PURGE #3:
1 Small Baguette with Butter
30 Grapes, Mixed
TEA / PURGE #4:
1 Portion of Vegetarian Meatballs and Pasta
1 White Roll with Butter
Twirl Chocolate Bar
TOTAL: Don't want to know!!
Sarah - Bless you! <3 Thanks, it means a lot these chats. I think that they help me to come back here, and, no matter how ashamed i am of what i've done, i feel as though i will find understanding and acceptance with you all.
I know what you mean about family and avoidance, although i sort of envy you for having a family that doesn't talk about food. I'm fed up with mine being so obsessed with it, it upsets me so much.
Kristina - Never mind about last night. At least it was :/ instead of :'( ! As you can see, i'm now finding myself on one of those tough stretches of having to lose weight i've already lost, albeit only a couple of lbs. Hopefully it will come off easy, especially with the busy weekend of work i'm about to have! lol - also, read my blogs whenever, that's what they're there for! :p
Tomorrow has many obstacles: clothes shopping, freedom in a large town with many food shops and meeting a friend who knows about my ED. Ah!
Hugs please :)
X Poppy X
That sounds like an awful day :( *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteHere is what I think about your sister ... if you want to influence someone's behavior, you can't do it by force or coercion. People will always do what they want to do, and trying to make them do something else will just hurt the situation.
The best way you can influence someone's behavior is by being a good example for them, and inspiring them.
This situation of feeling fat and wanting to be thinner is really difficult, because no matter what you do she's still going to get the same message from all of society, saying that she needs to be thinner and thinner.
So all you can do is tell her that she's beautiful and lovely, and show her through your actions that all of society is not worth listening to.
Now, I know that is hard to do when in the midst of an eating disorder. If I had a sister I would not be a good role model for her. But I think that it's the only way you could help her.
I hope you had an easier time today.