I am going to skip straight ahead to today:
1) I'm back to my lowest weight. Although i'm really dreading that this won't be the case tomorrow morning. Read on to see why (*Poppy lifts her eyes to the heavens and rolls them*). Typical me day i think.
2) I went to work at 7am this morning, prepared to do the long shift of 7am until 2-3pm. I was ok with this as i figured it would be good as i was walking around a lot and burning calories. I was going to avoid the food there which wouldn't be so bad as my cravings had been ok in the restaurant recently. By midday, we were all really tired and i strained to avoid the staff lunch of cheese on toast and chips. I decided to go to the local shop and get a bottle of drink. Of course, i ended up walking back rustling like a walking crisp bag! I had bought 2 packets of crisps, 1 oreo packet, 1 happy hippo, 1 large bag of m&ms and the pepsi i had originally gone in for!
3) The function lunch dragged on in the afternoon. The first slip up was with 1 mini tart, then after that it was ll downhill. The starter was cheese souffle, and it looked amazing. Once everyone on the tables was served, we had a few extra portions that are simply left out the back for staff. I was hungry, and i ended up scooping up bite after bite of the delicious sponge. Even though others were leaving it and saying it wasn't very nice, i loved it - it wss like ambrosia. Of course the guilt set in after that and, as the others were beginning to clear the food, i had to sneak off to the toilets to purge. There was no worry about the main because it was meat, but the pudding was the next problem. When the other girls took theirs to the back room, i automatically followed. I ate all of it then headed off again on the pretext of having to do an errand. Again to the toilets to purge more.
4) In the end i was completely drained. I didn't finish work until 6pm, so i ended up working 11 hours!! Now i've got to get some sleep because i am working breakfast and part of lunch tomorrow as well.
5) I stashed some fudge in my bag from the leftovers on the tables, then went home. I went to my room and ate some of the snacks i bought earlier and the fudge, before jumping in the shower and purging them. By the time i was out and dressed, it was time for tea and my grandma was over. This meant no sidestepping tea with the family. I ate without complaint, but, as much as i tried, i couldn't avoid purging afterwards.
Everytime i eat, i always ask the question, 'do i need to purge?' afterwards, but i almost always feel i have to. I guess i have no backbone against my ED at the moment. I should really because the amount its effecting my health is only increasing. My eyes are really dull, red and yellow - if i lift my eyelids, i can see the difference between the clear whites and the dull part, and it's really horrible.
6) To finish my erratic narrative, on top of purging my tea i finished up most of the snacks bar the m&ms. I felt awful that i couldn't stay downstairs with my family and enjoy being with them. Out of all things, i think thats what i hate the most about my eating disorder.
FOOD DIARY:
BREAKFAST:
Nothing
LUNCH / PURGE #1 / PURGE #2 / PURGE #3:
1 Mini Asparagus Tart
1/2 Cheese Souffle
1 Lemon Tart Slice
SNACK / PURGE #4:
1 Packet of Doritos
1 Happy Hippo
Leftover Chocolate Fudge
TEA / PURGE #5:
1 Piece of Bread with Butter
Quorn Chicken Style Piece
Lots of Mashed Potato
Beans and Lots of Vegetable Gravy
1 Magnum Gold
SNACK / PURGE #6:
1 Packet of Mini Cheddars
1 Packet of 6 Oreos
1/2 Packet of Hotel Chocolat Batons
TOTAL: Unknown
Got to go, I'll reply to you all tomorrow- promise!
X Poppy X
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