My Mood is Like a Bouncing Ball, My Heart is Like a Warning Call

    Bliss...
  I'm currently chilling in extremely oversized pyjamas that i haven't worn in over a year, preparing to sleep pre-midnight and content with my latest weight figures, until the morning. Who ever thought worn cotton sweats with an elastic waist could bring so much satisfaction!

  Things were so rushed yesterday, i can hadly remember what i said. It's been a busy few days at work and it's now the eve of my return to my job as a learning support assistant. I had the summer off, but am returning to the chaos that is the 'start of term'. I'm really looking forward to this as the last week has been a load of nothing but mindless binging. The only downside to this is that there is no backdoor to enter from and no paper bag to hide behind - i bet everything i own on the fact that at least two people will comment on my weight. I hate it with a passion. I'd much rather no one noticed, it makes me feel so awkward because people no longer see it as a couple of healthy pounds to look better in a bikini, but start to question what you are doing.

  There were no comments to dodge today, though. This morning i got up and ready for my early morning shift at 7am. As per, i positioned myself by the toaster to keep warm and acted as general stillroom overseer. It was a good thing i stayed in the kitchen as i felt really queezy and a bit wobbly on my feet. If i'd have been rushing around with trays, there would have been a higher chance of me fainting again. There was one point where i felt particularly ill, but i just took deep breaths and had more of my water. By 12 midday, there had only been once when i had flirted with the idea of toast and jam. It wasn't as though i actually considered eating it, but i indulged in imagining myself eating it. The staff lunch was served out, and it looked so appetising. When i overheard one of the girls saying that the sausages were vegetarian, and wasn't quite sure whether i was glad or not that i had run out of excuses not to eat it. I teetered on the edge of having some. However, it soon transpired that the sausages were, indeed meat, so that meant no food for me.

  1pm took far too long to come, and i had to make a trip to the toilet for a few minutes to calm my body back down. My heart had been beating hard again this morning, so hard it felt as though my pulse was racing. I think it was palpitations because i have been getting them on/off and i always feel so tired when i have them. It felt like my heart was going to crash through my ribs. When 1pm finally came around, i made a call to my mum. She said both her and my stepdad were shopping, and they'd see me back home. I was gutted because i really wanted them to wait until my shift had ended before food shopping. I felt like i had missed out on the week's biggest highlight.

  Instead of going back home, i went to my local supermarket and picked up: a paper, a bag of lettuce, jar of crunchy peanut butter, packet of cheesy tuc crackers and a large bag of kettle crisps. It wasn't the worst spend i'd had, but i knew 3/4 of this stuff was pointless and the last 1/4 was part of the shopping sharade of making it look like you are shopping for something other than a binge. I walked home so fast that it hurt my chest, and as i got closer i tried to get quicker. Images in my mind of the food that i'd eat, before my parents got home, flashed in my mind.

  As soon as i got in, i made a cheese sandwich and ate it. I followed it with the following: 1 large bag of kettle crisps, 1 packet of tuc crackers, 1 slice of crusty bread with butter, 10 grapes, 1 Magnum Gold, 2 large spoonfuls of peanut butter and 1 Mango Smoothie lolly. I managed to rid myself of it not long before my parents came back. They bought in the bags, and as i went to hover and help my mum unpack, she asked me to get the washing in. I knew it was a tactic to get me away from being so controlling and ganet-like over the food. I did, but for some odd reason i felt hurt. As you can tell from the picture, my emotions have been way out-of-whack today. I have been feeling extremely emotional about silly little things. The fridge being randomly filled with food in no particular order or symmetry really made me agitated and frantic.

  Once all was put away, i sat and talked to my mum for a while. Then she went off for a run and my sister came back from work not long after. She still isn't talking or looking at me, but we'll touch on that later. When everyone was home and tea was approaching, my stepdad said that they were having a sunday dinner and would i like one, with a vegatarian substitute instead of the chicken. I said yes -  So sue me! I was hungry and i believed there would be some leeway for me to purge it afterwards so i took the opportunity.

  I sat and enjoyed the meal like i hadn't had a hot plate of food in years! I covered it in gravy and devoured every bit, although i did take longer than everyone else at the table. After main i felt stuffed, but i still squeezed in desert which had me clawing to purge. I did the washing up asap, then got the washing in without making a fuss before sneaking upstairs. I had been really quiet after the meal and i couldn't focus on anything - i couldn't even make conversation. I was far away and impatient with sitting through my sister's stories, which i used to listen to with complete ease and interest. My mum knew i'd purged when i came back down.

  I also avoided being downstairs because my sister made me feel so upset i couldn't bear to be near her, lest i cry. I try to say nice things to her and all she does is glare and snap. When she is in the room with me, it's as if a mist fills it up and it clings to everything and brings it all down. I just have to get away. And yet, when we were talking about going out for a meal on the night before she leaves, i said i'd come and she sounded genuinally happy and said quietly, 'yay, good'. I said yes because it's her last night, and i know that it would upset her if she knew i'd purged my food so i'm going to try to be good and not purge. I don't know how but i don't want to let her down or make her upset. I will also pay for my own to stop myself feeling guilty as cost, or waste thereof, incase...

  I guess she's just confused. Hopefully things will get better for her back at university. She was going to refuse her potato rosti for tea today because it's carbs and that worried me. Although she didn't in the end, i don't like this new interest in fats, carbs, etc. I want to slap her for doing it to herself and becoming so involved in it when she can see what it's doing to me. Hopefullg being around less calorie-inclined friends might help her get a better sense of balance.

  I weighed myself and am still at my lowest point, though no lower. I have set up all my clothes for tomorrow morning. It's probably my luck now that i go in then find out i don't work Mondays! I have decided that on some of the days off i have, i might try and get down to the hotel gym where i work. It's free to staff members and the hours are really flexible. It means i can get in there when my family don't know, so i can keep on exercising. Otherwise i'm just going to get depressed and lethargic. Not to mention the fact that i could shift the lbs quicker, and up my liquid intake if i exercised, as i wouldn't have to worry about water weight if i'm exercising more. Although i will start taking my vitamins again, as i'm hoping they will help reduce the dizziness and palpitations a bit.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE #1:
  1 Cheese Sandwich
  1 Large Bag of Kettle Crisps
  10 Grapes
  1 Slice of Crusty Bread with Butter
  1 Magnum Gold
  2 Spoonfuls of Peanut Butter
  1 Mango Smoothie Lolly
  1 Packet of Cheesy Tuc Biscuits

  TEA / PURGE #2:
  1 Cheese and Broccoli Escalope
  1 Potato Rosti
  Stuffing, vegetables and gravy
  Apple Pie with Ice Cream
  Rocky Road Chocolate Bar
  1 Spoonful of Peanut Butter

  TOTALS: Unknown
 

   To Bonnie - You are right, of course! I suppose it is easier said than done, and hopefully some day i will be able to show by doing, not telling. I have decided to write her a letter to explain some of the things she might find harder to understand. I don't necessarily meant the biology of it all, but why sometimes i'm quiet when i am and why some things upset me, etc. I will obviously mention in there about her behaviour and how it sometimes scares me. It seems that non-face-to-face communication works best for us. Weird...

  Wish me luck with work tomorrow, and cross fingers that i don't faint on my first day back!

  X Poppy X

  Place guesstimates below on how many people are going to end up commenting on my weight loss