Oh the shame...the reasons i've been such a poor blogger :(

Heya.
Im sorry i havent been on recently - it appears that i underestimated how many people actually look at my blog! I just thought as i wasnt getting any responses that people had given up looking at it, so it wasnt as urgent to write.

The reason i havent written much is because i was ill with a bug from Tuesday to Thursday, then i became very busy with life. For some strange reason, i've been getting so tired alot quicker now so everytime i thought about sitting down to write an enourmous blog i kinda gave in to the effort. At the same time, despite being sleepy, ive been living off a maxuimum of 4 hours sleep a day. It sucks big time!

Another reason i havent blogged much to you lovely people!, is because ive been ashamed of this week. Its been a complete joke. I can safely predict now that i have only lost a pound this week - and thats pathetic! Ive been constantly binging on bad foods most nights then puking them back up. Its been such a mia week for me and i hate it!

On top of all this i havent exercised for an entire week! I was ill for a while and still felt crap for a few days after. I had planned to start on Saturday, however that was the day that our parents had gone away so i wanted to spend time with my sister so i didnt go to the gym. Sunday i was supposed to run, but it peed down so hard with rain that it was called off. So today (Monday) is the first time i have done exercise in ages!

God! That was a huge moan! It seems alot of shit for a week and hardly any progress! I would love it if i could get some help and advice as to how to successfully cut out certain foods long term. Ive just become vegetarian, and have had no problem cutting out meat. Its chocolate, crisps and carbs i have a slight problem with! I dont have a problem with carbs during the day, but at night i kill for them!

So any helping hands on the matter i would REALLY apprieciate BIG TIME!...

Today has been sort of crappy, but ive tried to amend it with exercise. Its like the calorie version of badly mending an ornament with sellotape - everthing fits back where it should, but its still broken.

I got up late today and after a chat with my sister, we went into town. Blah, blah, blah - you know how it goes, we did all the things we needed to do. Then i thought it would be nice to get a drink in town. While my sister went and got a table, i got her (on request) some chocolate from Tescos. I picked up a wrap and decided it wouldnt be awful if i shared it (100 and something cals for half).

When i got back to my sister, we had a drink and it was only when i was about to put the wrap to my mouth i realise i had picked up chicken! I had known what it was, but my mind hadnt conciously said 'Its chicken, Poppy, so you cant have it!'. I told my sister i couldnt have it and she ate the rest. After our drinks, i knew my sister would notice i still hadnt had any lunch - and it was 4pm! So i picked up an egg and cress sandwich instead.

At home, i took one bite only to spit it out and hid the rest in a cupboard until i could safely throw it away. There was one slip up (hence the message to you guys above) i had made, which was to buy a bag of chocolate. My excuse was that my sister had got herself some, and so it was more tempting. But i know there are NO EXCUSES!

When at home, i scoffed the lot. I felt crap afterwards and threw some of it up. When my mum got home we had an argument because she complained and shouted about the fabric basket (you know like dogs have?) we had gotten our guinea pigs. I just stopped talking to her, and still havent 5 hours after.

So...feeling guilty about the choc, i decided i had to go to the circuit training group. It was good and im so glad i went. But i was depressed throughout the entire circuit. Not because of the argument, but because i knew that i wanted to keep going and no matter how much exercise i did in this class, it would end and i wouldnt have done enough. The chocolate and fat would still be in me.

When i got home, the argument with my mum gave me an excuse to say i wasnt hungry, so i didnt have any tea. This was my attempting to make amends for the choc. I hate even saying the word without cringing.

Also this week, ive self harmed (SH) again. Its been ages since i had last done it. Maybe months since id seriously done it. But ive had such a crap week that i HAD to punish myself, so i used a razor to cut my stomach. Its so flabby and fat and i never felt i had cut deep enough. Earlier i felt like doing it tonight with scissors all over my legs. I might still, i dont know.

Anyways, i hope this is enough of a blog for you.

My personal apologies to Cara who brought my attention to the fact that people have missed my blogs. Thanks. It seems i do better when i know i have to write a blog to you lot at the end of the day, so perhaps getting back to doing a blog every day, may help me do better with my eating and exercise!

I will try my very hardest to get back on here tomorrow. Im working during the day then (hopefully) gym afterwards from 6.30pm-7.30pm.

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
bag of choc 900kcal

CALS TOTALS: 900kcal!!!!

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

10 mins both ways, into and out of town, moderate 100kcal

1 hour circuit training, hard workout 500kcal

TOTAL CALS BURNED 600KCAL

OOO! PS! I just remembered! Im so excited for Wednesday because im going to do a marathon of exercise! Im going to do an hours spin class (on bikes) then an hours body conditioning (weights). Also im going to cycle there and back. its all booked! So im really excited about all the cals that will burn - lets pray for lots of weight loss!

Bye Bye!

Poppy xx

barfing and fasting... - it's been a busy few days!

Firstly, im so sorry it has been so long since my last blog. Days have been playing tricks on me and im trying to go with the flow without drowning. I suppose that leads onto secondly, im feeling low tonight. Have been feeling it for a few days - its not like REALLY bad, just enough to make me feel lost and a crappy.


Sunday went ok and i stayed under my limit. I had a veggie substitue for my roast dinner. But then Monday came along and bit me in the ass just when i didnt need it! That whole day i binged like i hadnt got a care in the world. I blocked out all other voices in this tiny box until after the 'binge' when i let them loose on my fattened body. It sucked. This, of course, mean that when i weighed myself on Tuesday morning i had only lost 1lb. So heres the results for this week:

TUESDAYS WEIGH-IN RESULTS BEING PUBLISHED NOW:

TOTAL LOST/GAINED - LOST 1LB

So, it was a rubbish end to a week that had originally seemed to be going in the right direction. I felt really awful Tuesday morning anyway because i have been living off a maxuimum of 4 hours sleep for the past few weeks and i just wanted to curl back up again. So when i went to work i had that horrible sick feeling you sometimes get in the am. It didnt quite go away, so my mind began to come up with a plan to get out of work.

Time was moving so slowly so i made my body feel ill. I know that sounds really stupid, but you can, just as you can make your body bring your food back up, you can psyche it into believing its ill. So around 12 after looking miserable for the morning i was sick (only had water!) in the bathroom and sent home. For the rest of the day i slept and all the way through the night. In total i slept 23 hours!!! But on the plus, i weighed myself this morning and had lost 3lbs! brill!

So onto today. I woke up around midday, and felt crappy but had to show that. Only had half a soup and threw it up. Have had nothing else today, but the only downside with being 'ill' is that i couldnt go exercising tonight. It really sicked because tonight was my favourite class out of the whole week. bummer!

Not much else has happened today, but i can tell you that im going to try and squeeze one more day out of it. I cant make it last any longer than that because otherwise my mum will make me go to the doctors and i dont want to go there.

So, thats the catch up for the last few missing days. I'm going to go and sleep now again before the hunger pains kick in too bad and i will speak to you guys soon.

CAL INTAKE FOR LAST TWO DAYS:

0KCALS!

Keep on visiting guys!

x Poppy x

Sorry about the no show - will talk tomorrow!

Hi!

Sorry i havent forgotten about my blog! I will have to get back to you tomorrow.

Speak soon, sweet dreams,

Poppy

Chew and spit, chew and spit - don't swallow though, you'll get fat!

Hi - only a quickie today because ive got body conditioning tomorrow am.


I've kept myself busy most of today as i went shopping with my sister and godmother for bridesmaid shoes - at least feet dont get fat!

The first food i ate was my tea. I made my own stirfry with quorn pieces. It was so scrummy and low fat.

However, i bought loads of bad food from the supermarket this eve. I c/s most of it, and the stuff i did swallow i purged back up. Im pretty exhausted now. I wont write the things i c/s and b/p ed today because it would clog up too much space in the table so here they are:

- one tray of cappucino fudge cake
- 1 butterscotch g&b bar - 1 x-dark g&b bar
- 2 thorntons small choc bars (1 ginger, 1 fudge)
So...there we go. I've spent the last 2 hours sitting here c/s and p all of it out. I now have two disgustingly full containers. Its sick i know but at least i didnt take any calories.

Thats today then. Hopefully tomorrow will be better but i've got a funny feeling it will be very similar. But as long as i dont take too many cals, its ok.

The only REALLY BAD thing today is that i didnt do any exercise AGAIN! Its getting really bad and i need to pick it back up to what it was. This week has been a mess when it comes to exercise.

CAL SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
baby leaf stirfry with quorn pieces 130kcal

Snacks
2 pieces of gum 10kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE 140KCAL

Must go - good luck and speak soon,

Poppy xoxo

Latest weigh in and one food stumble does not constitute a fail, i just carry on walking

Hi again - im back with another update and prepared with the delayed weigh in session results for yesterday.


So, its probably best to start with those.

POUNDS LOST OR GAINED

!LOST 5LBS!

Yay! Its really good news and it means i can catch up on my lax levels of weight loss recently. I just have to keep going and persevere because it is paying off. I dont think im going to do as well this week though - just a feeling.

So, thats my really good news over and done with - onto the boring bits! lol. I hope not!

Tuesday 19th August

I was working this day. I wouldnt want to bore you with the same details about my job as i usually say every tuesday and saturday blog that i work! Lets just say it went the same as always and i had my lunch of crackers and 1/2 an apple. A quarter of the cracker was blown onto the floor though because i was outside for my break. I didnt begrudge it too much because it saved me more cals! lol.

The only extra piece of food i did consume apart from my usual was one brazil nut. If i snacked on any other food while i was working, i would quickly and discreetly get a paper towel and spit it out into that.

I got home and felt sooo fatigued that i just couldnt bring myself to go to the gym for which i castigated myself for and got really angry with. For tea i had a soup which didnt bother me as it was low cal. When i went upstairs i was still craving something, it was made worse by the fact i knew i was under my cal max level intake for the day. I remembered throwing a cookie away (from the packet that i c/s yesterday) that i had saved incase i wanted one. I ate it all and sat there feeling guilty and unable to purge back up.

Wednesday 20th August

Today has been a slightly upsetting day. Not because i binged or anything reli horrific like that, but because i could have done so much better had i known. Anyways, from the top, i had to get up early today because i was meeting up with my friend who had just broken up with his boyfriend. My sister and i had a huge argument over owing money and she ripped a picture a friend had done me off my door. It wasnt just any picture, my friend who i had meet on the ED ward had drawn it for me, and the four of us on the ward all had one to put on our doors. I dont know if she's even still alive because she was pretty bad when i saw her. I got really angry about the picture but we eventually made up. I know that family domestic i just described wasnt interesting to you, but thats the first time we've had an argument like that in ages!

Then around lunchtime i met up with my friend and we came back to the house to chat about things. For 3 hours we talked, me mostly playing the concerned friend/counsellor, and he telling me his probs. When we were talking about his lack of appetite due to his split, he said that he almost wanted to punish himself for things by not eating. He said he just wanted to drift off and go to sleep. He had explained to me previously that he has an emotional connection with food. I told him that people that starve themselves do not 'float off' into death. Their hair falls out, they are constantly driven wild by these demons in their head - it is not peaceful. I also told him about sudden cardiac arrest which can occur in the stressed anorexic or bulimic body.

I know that this may seem slightly hypocritical to alot of you, but i cant change the path im on - it doesnt mean i cant warn others against going down the same one. I know the risks but im too late to do anything about it or, to sme degree, care. The last thing i would want though is for one of my friends to suffer too.

We went downstairs and both grabbed a cracker each. The last 5 minutes we ended on the subject of food and talked about all the delicious veggie meals there are. He said it made him hungry so im hoping this will help. I think i will leave him a little gift of a meal on the doorstep for him one of the next few days to let him know im thinking about him.

When he went, i suddenly felt the urge for chocolate. Sometimes when i get like that though, i dont try to find some, but trawl tens of sites adding boxes and bags of chocolates to the basket only to exit after i get to the checkout. Then my sister came up and gave me, exactly at the worst time, a packet of sweets. I was so craving sweets after the sites and gorged half the packet before i remembered that the sweets have jelly on their ears. I look on the back and find pork gelatin the 3rd highest ingredient. After that point, all i can see i pig fat, hooves and skin being boiled and poured into the sweet. yuck. i give the rest of the sweets to my sister.

I tried to purge some up and took 5 diet pills to reduce fat intake. I looked at the calories on the packet, and almost wept - 350kcal for 100g! That was half the packet!

I definitely went to the aerobics session tonight with a determination to shift all that disgusting pork fat and sweetener on my thighs. It was a good workout and i will at least do one workout tomorrow as well. The almost doomed outlook of my cals for the day was already set and unchageable. No matter how much i burned, i had still taken in, in one sitting, more calories than my normal intake.

Tea, i had a veggie burger and veggies. There was a little consolation found there but then mum had bought these fancy looking ice creams and i had one. Rather than being able to run upstairs, which is what my heaving body was desperate to do, i had to fold the washing up for 15 mins before going. When upstairs i used my fingers which is something i rarely do. But, u know what?! It got results!!!! I actually puked and if i'd kept them there rather than moving them i could have go the dinner as well. I was so proud of myself because it worked! yay!

TUESDAY 19TH:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CALS

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
1 and 3/4 crackers 25kcal
1/2 an apple 40kcal

Tea
half a soup 150kcal

Snacks
a brazil nut 5kcal
a cookie 55kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE: 275KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

Walk to work, 25 mins, 1 and half miles 120kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE CALS: 120KCAL


WEDNESDAY 20TH:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
1 cracker 14kcal

Tea
1 veggie burger and veggies 170kcal
galaxy ice cream  P
Snacks
1/2 packet of sweets 350kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE: 534KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hours hard workout aerobics 600kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE CALS: 600KCAL

Thats pretty much it today. Im really tired and, believe me when i say, i have alot on tomorrow. Im going shoe shopping! lol. eugh - i have fat feet!

x Poppy x

Another good day and i'm feeling rather chipper despite the downpour of British summerness!

Right...try two! I just wrote the entire blog then i exited it by accident! NOoo! lol

Today has been the foulest of the foul days in the south of UK! Yuck! However, this has not stopped me and ive powered through to another sucessful day!

I seem to have had a few good days recently so something must be right! Im hoping this well keep going, but im not going to put much pressure on myself because otherwise it leads to a binge and that, fellow sufferers, is that last thing we want!

Now, if you recall, one or two blogs ago i said that i thought my parents might have an inkling of whats going on? Well, all bets are off! As im in the middle of my break from uni, ive been trying to sort out my accomodation for when i go back. Im worried i will have to go back into housing instead of halls and mum said she'd phone up and ask on medical grounds for halls. She said 'because we dont want that happening again'. Little do they know that it actually never left...

For lunch i did the same trick as last time - set it up to make it look like i'd eaten pasta. I actually had two crackers and an apple as usual. My sister came back and i cycled into town to do a few bits. The last stop was the supermarket. Always, unfortunately, is. I meant to just get a box of crackers because my mum likes them as well, but i came out with more. (surprise, surprise).

I picked up the bits without feeling frightened or worried because i knew that i wasnt going to go back and ingest them all. My idea was set: i was going to c/s them. I got home and immediately stuffed half the pack of cookies and half the chocolate bar. Rather than swallow i just spat it out into a container. Its satisfying when you put it in your mouth, but way dissatisfying when you have to spit it out. Its like going against every taste, mouth and oesophagus reflex, because it wants to swallow it. I wasnt about to let it.

For the rest of the afternoon i chilled with my sister who, for once it seems, didnt bother me with questions about food. We just watched TV. My mum came back home later and we went to circuit training and burnt burnt burnt those horrible calories! It was worth it and i felt so good once i'd finished!

When planning tea it seemed to turn in my favour. We had bought a pack of vegetarian stuffed peppers and, though originally not for me, i was going to have one with some salad. This was a particularly good turnout because the stuffed peppers were only 135kcals! And yummy too!

I felt marginally guilty because the peppers had had oil in them but only a little. Not by us cooking them but already in. Anyways, after tea, i came up here and finished c/s on the cookies leaving two. I dont know what possessed me, but i left two telling myself that as my cal intake had been so good today i could allow myself those two (they are 55kcals each!!!). I think i just wanted to feel the sensation of them going down. Afterwards, though, it was like my body wouldnt allow it and, with help from me, i purged them back up.

So, here i am, although its been a slightly wobbly day with the chocolate and cookies, it turned out ok and hopefully tomorrow will again land in my favour. I dont think there's anything else for now so i'll just post my intakes and outakes for today and say adios! lol

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
2 x crackers 28kcal
apple 70kcal
Tea
m&s stuffed pepper with salad 135kcal

Snack
2 x pieces of gum 10kcal
a pack of cookies and a bar of white chocolate b/p all

TOTAL CALORIES 243KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hour circuit training, hard workout 600kcal

20 mins (10 in/10 back from town) moderate 150kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE 750KCAL

Right, nighty-night!

Love to you all.

Poppy xx

'If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner' - H.S.Leigh

Yes! Good days! Its about time i tallied up some more of those!


Yesterday and today rocked food wise! I mean, not to the point where i didnt eat anything, but i stayed under my cals and havent eaten any major crap!

Im feeling better about things and i weighed myself today and im back on track! Im hoping to keep this positive eating going alap*!

Yesterday, i was at work and it was THE most boring day ever! It was so tempting just to eat some of the food and i almost did. Luckily, the woman i was working with is really great at just chatting away and eventually you forget the time! That morning before i left for work, i had carefully arranged two small crackers into a bag, and sliced half an apple very thinly and put it in another bag. At lunch, i went and sat out on the wall and ate it all very slowly, but i couldnt take any less time than the 30 minutes i got.

After work, i walked up to the local supermarket where my mum was. She was picking up unhealthy things and luckily she didnt see me give them the evil 'stay away from me' look! She had arranged that one of our closest family friends comes round for food. I was worried - there were crisps in the bag.

Thankfully, i avoided binging on the crisps and after she left i had a soup. I did have a few crisps but luckily, i managed, with the help of a glass of water, to purge all of it back up later. I was gutted that i had missed my workout at the gym, but if i had eaten loads those crisps and been OVER my allowance i would have been FRANTIC! So its the worser of two evils!

Onto today! Its been good compared to how pear-shaped (or lard-shaped! lol) my Sunday's at home usually go! I got up as per usual at 9.30am and went for a run with my godmother at 10am.

I am running further and further each time, and can now make it over half of the way without stopping! We are running faster and everyone thinks hopefully soon i will be able to run a 10k race!

When i came back my mum and stepdad had gone shopping and my sister was at work - bliss! I was all alone and didnt need to make any excuses for the lack of food i put near my mouth! Of course, i phoned my mum just to double check when they would be back, so i could lay out a wonderful spread of dirty dishes by the sink to make it look like i'd eaten.

I decided i would make it look like i'd eaten pasta with cheese, because my mum has been moaning on to me about eating carbs and protein. I left crumbs ont he side, smeared my dishes with sauce and cooked the pasta so the dishes really did look like i'd cooked and eaten it. I threw the pasta out in a bin bag with all the coke cans and one plastic bag of purging after the crisps last night.

When they came back, my heart froze when i heard mum say they had got something for me, and she dipped her hand into a food bag. Thankfully, she had been really thoughtful and got me a vegetarian meal. I pretended to look on the back for mushrooms (i hate them!), but checked out the calories at the same time. 255kcal - not the best AND it had carbs in, but 3/4 of the other meals on the same shelf she picked it off were probably higher!

They went back out again not long after and i was left alone with a big pile of ironing. Suddenly thoughts of a loaf of crusty bread in the kitchen floated into my head. I almost more than once was on the verge of eating it then the family came back and, to my relief, my sister ate it. I was SO CLOSE, but managed to withold! yay!

Tea arrived, and i wasnt in so much trepidation as i usually am about the event. I knew what i was having and the cal content i was ok with, did that mean i could actually enjoy the meal?! Not quite. It was LOVELY - believe me, it was not a disgusting meal. But it filled me up so quick and i felt disgusting even after a quarter of it! I finished it though for appearances sake.
SATURDAY 16TH TOTALS

CALORIE TOTALS:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
2 x italian crackers 28kcal
1/2 an apple 25kcal

Tea
a few crisps P
1/2 a soup 150kcal

Snacks
Nothing 0kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL: 203KCAL

EXERCISE:

None!


SUNDAY 17TH TOTALS

CALORIE TOTALS:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
2 x italian crackers 28kcal

Tea
m&s vegetable bake 255kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL 283KCAL

EXERCISE TOTALS:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hours running 550kcal

EXERCISE TOTALS: 550KCAL

So...good days! Im going to weigh myself now and see how things are shaping up. Im crossing my fingers for good results on Tuesday.

Big hugs and Boney hips,

Poppy x*x*x
_________________________
Here are some more great thinspirational quotes for you:

o 'Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back' ~Robert Quillen

o 'Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths' ~Author Unknown

o 'We never repent of having eaten too little' ~Thomas Jefferson, 1825
_________________________
*KEY: alap - as long as possible

Mission complete - no nasty suprises today! Now time to think about tomorrow *sigh*

Heya!


Well I'm reporting back with the rest of the day. Im happy to say it went as planned and there were no nasty surprises. It was tough - especially when i was offered chips - but i just imagined them with loads of oily grease over them.

For lunch, i stuck a plate and knife in the sink so it looked like i'd eaten a sandwich. I actually ate 2 low fat crackers. I left for the gym a little later than planned and cycled there. I decided my extra half an hour would come int he form of two 10 minute bike rides to gym and back, and an extra 10 minutes on a machiene of my choice.

I did really well on the treadmill today and ran for 20 minutes - I even sprinted for the last 2 minutes. I did an extra 10 minutes on the bike.

When it was tea, i felt so jealous of my stepdad and my sister, tucking into their fish and chips. But i knew if i ate all those calories all my work would be for nothing. I had a soup. Luckily it filled me up well and that was the end of the teatime ordeal.

Now its 3am and i have work tomorrow so im gonna get a few hours sleep. I will probably visit the gym again. Hopefully i will be able to stave off food cravings for most of the day - i always save my calorie allowance for the evenings because sometimes the food is unexpected and the cals might be higher.

Must go,

Toodles! Poppy xx

Weight loss has been slow - this is unacceptable. It's time to pick it up!

So, this is me! Around 2 and a half months in and i've only lost 20lbs! Of course, this was including 3 birthdays, one holiday and a binge fest weekend. But it still isnt good enough to make excuses. Its these last two weeks that have caused the hold up - ive lost nothing in two weeks! By the end of this month i had a goal to be 14lbs lighter than i currently am.

THIS IS UNACCPETABLE

I cannot fast to lose the weight in time, so im just going to have to be ultra strict on myself. Today is a good day to start. My mum and stepdad are at work and my sister has gone shopping so i wont have her looking over my shoulder today!

My sleeping pattern is really off and i went to bed late again last night. But i got up a little earlier today at 12.30 instead of 1.30! lol. I have got into a really good routine with taking my health pills. I now take multivitamins, iron and omega oils. They are the only pure oils i put in my body at the moment. I take them because they are really good for keeping brain function alert and encouraging heart health. I also want to get kelp pills to speed up my metabolism.

I also got another bone tossed my way, as my mum is out tonight - she is the one that just makes the tea without asking anyone what they want (nightmare!!). My stepdad phoned and said he couldnt be bothered to make anything tonight, so how do we fancy fish and chips? I said no, obviously, but it meant that both him and my sister would be sorted without me worrying over how im going to eat less cals and adapt the food on my plate. Im having soup tonight.

Also im hoping to go to the gym around 5pm and workout for 2 hours. My stepdad said he'd arrive at 6pm, so when he turns up i'll just tell him that i only arrived 10 minutes earlier. That means i can get a good 2 hours of exercise in. This isnt because i did bad yesterday, on the contrary i did quite well. But i just need to push a little further to achieve those goals quicker.

I am still on my veggie mission. I wouldnt say 'im a vegetarian' because that would offend people who have been veggie for years. It could just be a fad, however i do believe that i feel better not eating meat - both morally and nutritionally. It helps the animals and me!

Ooo! My stomachs getting painful now and ive already had two cokes! lol. I must try and get some antacids and see if they work - they are supposed to reduce stomach pains.

I will report back later with how the rest of today went.

x o Poppy o x

Rise from the ashes of defeat, for it is only temporary - be the phoenix

Firstly, i thought i'd apologise for my appauling blogging. It has just melted away! This is because i have been feeling really blue at the moment. No...more than blue. I've felt really upset and anxious because my eating has not been so good and its making me really frantic and panicky.


Its just been a disaster of monumental emotional probs - i.e. panic, worry, anger, etc.

I'm not even going to go into it because if i do i will get really depressed and panicky. This is not a good thing to get at 1.30am! I'm just going to focus on the week ahead. Tuesdays have always been my weighing day, but i dont think i will publish the results on here, unless they surprise me...which they wont! Since when did scales give you a nice surprise?!?!

Anyways, i hope you like the site! I am giving it a bit of a spring clean at the moment, so you might notice little things have changed. Namely, in the weighing room, my profile and the 'What are EDs' page. Over the next few days im hoping to write up some reviews, add tips to react and distract, add more polls and lots more!

Back on the subject of today, i have one thing to be proud of which is that i managed to do 20 minutes complete running on the treadmill again! This is a big thing for me, as 3 weeks ago i hadnt run in years!! lol. I worked off 520kcal in 50 minutes!!

Tomorrow is another day as Scarlett O'Hara says, and i wont let it beat me. I'm going to do alot better tomorrow and be brutally honest with you about the days goings on.

I'm going to leave it at that for now and bid you adeiu until tomorrow. I hope your all doing well, please keep me in the know.

BTW. prettythin is back! YAY!!

*x* Poppy @-'-,-'-- *xx

Thought for the day: Vegitarianism. Try eating babe after these...appauling

This is only a short entry as ive just watched a really disturbing documentary and cannot focus on anything else. Today food wise i have had a bad day - mum insisted on pizzas. Tomorrow i go back to soups and im hoping to adopt a new vegetarian attitude due to the wake up call i had today.

A Note for Everyone:

THIS IS IMPORTANT. I know we advocate vegetarianism for its convienient dietary requirements. Namely that you can make the excuse to eat nothing but vegetables, grains and beans. But i just watched a documentary of what they do to animals for their furs. Then i watched a few more films on youtube on the treatment of animals for food. Im appauled - my sister and i were literally in tears. It has really put me off meat.

Please, just read below and watch this. If not for the animals and morality of the subject, then for encouragement to not eat meat (as part of your diet). I wouldnt usually post anyhting like this on my ana/mia site but it really is so important and upsetting.

WARNING: STRONG GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING IMAGES!

o If you dont want to watch heres what happens (from the PETA website):

When undercover investigators made their way onto Chinese fur farms recently, they found that many animals are still alive and struggling desperately when workers flip them onto their backs or hang them up by their legs or tails to skin them. When workers on these farms begin to cut the skin and fur from an animal's leg, the free limbs kick and writhe. Workers stomp on the necks and heads of animals who struggle too hard to allow a clean cut.

When the fur is finally peeled off over the animals' heads, their naked, bloody bodies are thrown onto a pile of those who have gone before them. Some are still alive, breathing in ragged gasps and blinking slowly. Some of the animals' hearts are still beating five to 10 minutes after they are skinned. One investigator recorded a skinned raccoon dog on the heap of carcasses who had enough strength to lift his bloodied head and stare into the camera.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueBWi8BL0PQ

This one is about how animals are processed for food. Worth watching. Its called 'Meet your Meat'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIjanhKqVC4

Im sorry its such a depressing blog, but it does make you think. Hopefully tomorrow i will write you a more food-orientated blog. I just thought you ought to see this...

x Poppy x

I'm gonna keep climbing because it will all be worth it - there's no way i'll give up now..

Heya.
Im sorry my blogs are so erratic of late but ive been busy with other things. Also the site doesnt seem to be picking up as many people after prettythin.com closed.

The last two days have actually gone really well for me.

7th August

Yesterday i was working so it was relatively easy to distract myself. It was particularly hard when they brought out the fruit cake and i had to cut up my favourite traybake. I still resisted though! Yay!

I went to the gym after work and sucessfully burnt off 500kcals as per usual. Im beginning to push myself up another level now. All good news!

It was a stroke of luck that i ended up at the gym just at the time when my family had dinner. This meant that when i got home i didnt have to touch a thing. I said i'd come down for something in a bit then never did!

Im so happy that i managed to not eat anything that day. Its not so much the not eating part, but the fact that i managed to get away with it under my family's nose. Because if they werent around i would probably have more days like that.

So day one was over and it kind of played out like this:

CAL SECTION:

NOTHING!!!

EXERCISE SECTION:

1 hour at the gym - 500kcal

30 min at 3.5mph walk to work - 140kcal

10 minute walk to gym - 40kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE: 680KCAL

Im very chuffed with that day.
Now...on to today! - 8th August

I didnt have work today so was worried that i might slip. I had a bad start as i missed my body conditioning class. But this meant i slept in until 1pm so i had missed the two important meal times out of 3 already.

I made myself busy around town, especially considering i found that i had lost my bank card! That definitely kept me occupied for a while and i had to cancel it! bummer! THe rest of the afternoon was ok although i did have a frube (ok) and 25g of peanuts (not ok).

My mum insisted i had 'some protein and carbohydrates' for tea. So we agreed on a tuna jacket potato which i would have after the gym. I did my hours work out - so proud because i ran the whole 20 minutes on the treadmill! Came home only 15 minutes before my parents went out. This comforted me as i knew they would be out and i then could pretend i had eaten.

At 9pm i took the bus to meet my sister from work. It was all plain sailing from there and i've had another relatively lucky day today with food! Yay!

CAL SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snacks
25g of peanuts 150kcal
1 frube yoghurt 40kcal

TOTAL 190KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

50 mintues in the gym 500kcal

TOTAL 500KCAL

Must whizz, work tomorrow and i know for certain its going to be an utter bore!

XxX Poppy @-,-'-,--

S.O.S. - beep bleeeep bep bleeeeep. (translation: feeling crap, help please!)

I need so much perseverance, i need a stubborn will. How can it happen that right now the last thing i can stand is to consume any food especially fattening things. Yet when i wake up its like none of what i have thought or felt the night before actually happened and i eat again. It makes me so angry and im determined to do better tomorrow and all the days after. Its just not good enough.


Tomorrow will be a new day and i am going to try not to dwell too much on today although i didnt binge'.

This morning i went to see a friend and her baby. I was there until 1pm then walked home. It took my mind off thinking about food as being out and about always does. However, i like to have some spare time at home which is when thoughts of food come in.

When at home i checked myself at the cupboards and just made myself one rice cracker with half a dairylea spread. I went up to my room and left it beside me so i could choose whether to eat it or not. My stomach pains were really bad at this point. I ate it then succumbed to a lolly. Im so pissed off with myself that i can feel my blood boiling, especially considering later.

The afternoon went and around 6pm i went to aerobics. This at least curbed my feelings of being out of control that i felt. When back home i chose to have a salad. This was again followed by a lolly. I feel as though someone needs to lash me everytime i go near bad food. I dont know what other techniques i can use to avoid it. Im quite desperate for any help on how to convince myself to stay away from bad foods. Please help.

Now im sitting here pulling at my pyjamas and so scared i will put on weight. Im so angry and so scared. I hate myself, i must do this.

CAL SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
rice cake with 1/2 dairylea slice 38kcal

Tea
salad 20kcal

Snacks
2 x lollies 326kcal

TOTAL 384KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hour aerobics session, hard workout 600KCAL

10 minute walk to gym 40KCAL

TOTAL 640KCAL

So, im going to go wallow in my anger and hate of myself now so im prepared for tomorrow, but id really apprieciate as much help and support as possible because im going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment.

S.O.S.

x Poppy x

Back again and feeling crap - time to remount the horse and set off at a canter for goal!

Heya guys.
Im so sorry for the poor attention to this site recently and to my blog. I was busy on Sunday because of my birthday and then on weighing myself this morning i find i have lost nothing. I know that it can be seen as a good thing because i have had to contend with two birthdays this week with lots of food but it just doesnt feel like an achievement.

I hope you are all doing much better than me. Today has seen me working so i dont have much to report back about the goings on. Hopefully tomorrow i can sit down for a good hour and a bit and write a long blog to fill you in.

I have been ok with food today but still not brilliant. I need to pull the reigns of my eating back in further again. I know i havent gained, but i feel as though my trousers have become tighter.

I have done exercise today so i feel better for it, but hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/4 of coke chicken 120kcal

Snack
solero 100kcal

TOTAL CAL 220KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hour in the gym, hard workout 530KCAL

30 min walk to work, 3mph, 1.5miles 126KCAL

walk back home, 10 mins 50KCAL

TOTAL CAL BURNED: 706KCAL

But things could be better, and im hoping that now returning to my blog will encourage me to get back on track. If i know i have to report the truth on here, i tend to eat right.

Must go now as i have to be up early tomorrow.

Speak sooner rather than later,

Poppy xoxo

My birthday - I'm 21! Hope you guys forgive me for the lazy stand in.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME


My BiRtHdAy was TODAY - 3RD AUGUST! Ive just turned 21!

This is a stand in for my blog that i will write tomorrow.

Hope you are all doing jolly well - please let me know because i love to know how you are getting on.

x Poppy x

Quick catch up - feeling weak today...

This is going to be a really quick bullet point list of whats happened today, because its my birthday tomorrow (3rd August), and im going running in the morning.


- I went to work at 9am and felt completely drained. As in wobbly and wanting to sleep again. I managed to soldier through the day though.

- I went to the gym after work and did an hour. Im getting better and put my level up to 7 today in the bike! Mangaged to burn 550kcal!

- Back home, had a salad for tea. Then succumbed to a lolly (whats new!).

- Im really nervous for tomorrow because i dont want to gain weight and eat loads of food

CALS FOR TODAY:

salad - 20kcal

lolly - 163kcal

TOTAL 183KCAL

EXERCISE FOR TODAY:

1 hour in gym and bike ride - 550KCAL

TOTAL 550KCAL

Must go now, im really knackered. Might not be on tomorrow due to the fact that i will be preoccupied with my 21st!

Speak soon,

Poppy xxx

Flab is fat, so start fighting back! - My day over the speed bumps of life.

Heya.
Im going to make this a quick blog because its really late here. Its my fault really - i found a really good programme on youtube called Starved, about 4 people with different eating disorders. Its really funny as well!

Im trying to focus on the positives of today although i know its not good enough. I need to tighten my belt (proverbially) and become stricter with myself. Given my day today the cal intake hasnt been as catastrophic as it could have been, however it could have also have been alot better.

I got up early this morning and went to my first session of body conditioning (in US it would be called body sculpt). I was a little disappointed because i didnt come out as puffed out and sweaty as i usually do and felt that it didnt exert me enough. I generally like to come out of workoouts reli sweaty and hot, knowing ive done exercise - only then do i feel i have burnt off cals.

Anyways, that burnt 350kcals. I came back home and went on the internet for a bit before walking into town with my sister to pre-order my baloons for my birthday celebrations on sunday. I chose purple, lilac and gold! yay! My power colours. Next we caught the bus to the city to get tickets for mama mia and wait until mum finished work and we'd go see the film.

As we arrived a hour and a half early, we had nothing to do for a good while. We ended up in McDonalds and, while my sister got a small fries and milkshake, i just had a diet coke. When i talked to mum on the phone, there seemed to be some wiggle room. Even though mcdonalds is crap food, i saw an opportunity to get away with having tea without having to worry about it later. The calories would come out around the same. Mum agreed it would be ok.

So my sister and i shared a single cheeseburger. For half of it, it was only 160kcal. Although worse in fat. I took my time over it, picking it to pieces and not stuffing. Eventually we left for the film.

When we got into the cinema, mum said she'd bought us a daim bar each. It was dark so i couldnt see the cals but light enough so that she was eagerly watching us tuck into them. I took small bits, trying to stall for time while i tried to remember how many cals were in one. It got consumed and i had to resign myself to the fact that i would have to look when i got back.

After the film, its pretty much the same old same old. Now home ive been in my room completely tidying it - it looks much better now and my head feels less chaotic.

CAL FOOD SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing

Lunch
Nothing

Tea
1/2 a cheeseburger 160kcal

Snacks
1 daim bar 181kcal

TOTAL 341KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

50 mins body conditioning meduim burn 350kcal

(i wont count walking because it was minimal today)

TOTAL 350KCAL

What i am most disappointed with today is the fact that it was all high fat stuff. It was all things that i should be banning and not bear to touch with my hands. Instead, im still eating it. I so want to improve on that count, and any suggestions would be welcome. I did go over my cal intake but i will cut back tomorrow - and also, it could have been alot worse because when i usually start to consider eating like that i would get alot of stuff and begin to binge.
Right, must go - im going to watch more of that programme.

Hope you are all doing well - missin your comments

x Poppy x

An unusually jolly day of accidental fasting and other tales

Good evening, and i hope you are all having a good one tonight. I am!
I always begin a day with the intention to get away with as little food as possible, without arousing suspicion. However, this means i cannot ever plan a fast, due to my family. Today just happened to be an inadvertant fast day - accidental however completely purposeful. Make sense?! of course it doesnt! lol.

This morning i was up, however blearily eyed, for my morning aerobics class. But 10 minutes before i was about to leave i got a phone call saying that the instructor was ill and couldnt make it. It completely threw my exercise schedule off for the day, but i still consoled myself with the fact that i could go to the gym at any time. Deciding that i needed some more sleep seemed like a sound suggestion at the time this morning. However, 3 hours later at 12 midday it seemed less like a good idea!

I still had to collect a parcel for half past, so jumped on my bike and speeded off into town. I made it in 10 minutes! The parcel had got my newly bought exercise gear in it. I decided as im losing more weight i need smaller outfits and for them to be on standby so mum doesnt suspect. Back home i got ready to meet my friend for 1.30pm, and lunch never particularly came up and i was in such a rush i didnt even think of it. The only thing with calories in that i did consume was half a glass of orange juice.

I then cycled back into town to meet her. As she was late i got a drink and, in the empty gardens of the hotel, cycled around until she arrived. At least it meant extra cals burned.

We talked for hours until i broke off the conversation so i could go to the gym. I knew my mum was going to be there about that time and i really didnt want to miss going otherwise i would be frantic. I cycled up there and worked in the gym for 1 hour. I have finally taken the plunge and gone up a step on the treadmill to running! Im only on slow run and am doing 5 minute intervals of run and walk but im still proud.

When i got back home, it was all a rush. I had also made an appointment to go get an eyebrow shape then we had made plans to whizz off to my grandmas. This left little time for tea which suited me fine and my family ate tea while i went off the get my brows shaped. My non-existant tea had not gone unnoticed and mum said what was i going to do because i hadnt had tea. I replied that id take some with me...i didnt.

We have spent the rest of the evening at my grandmas, luckily no cake or biscuits were involved! I have been watching fasting vids since ive been back and id like nothing better than to continue fasting rather than this be a one off, but tomorrow we are going out and i know my sister will be watching me. I did sneak downstairs and pick up a piece of cake after a nasty twang from my stomach. However after careful deliberation, i c&s the cake.

In reply to the person who left me the last message on the guestbook (theres not a name): I like to set myself small goal weights, but my ultimate goal weight is set at 99lbs at the mo. As to you not seeing my weight on this blog, its because i have never put it on here. I am very concientious about my weight - not saying that no one is. I decided that i would bite the bullet and make a pact with some members on the prettythin forum at the time. The pact is that when i reach my first goal i will say how much i weigh - thats the deal.

Ruby and Emily: Sorry about the late reply. What you are both asking is not impossible. What i suggest is stick to a strict cal intake under 300kcal. Exercise like crazy and cut out particularly bad foods. One catagory that has helped me enormously since i cut it out is carbs. If you can squeeze it in then try a fast for a day or two. These are basci principles i am giving you, you didnt give any more specifics so i thought id cover the basics. If you want to expand on your question then feel free to do so and i'll write another response. Good luck!

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Half a glass of orange juice 40kcal

Lunch
Nothing

Tea
Nothing

Snacks
piece of cake c&s all

CAL FOOD TOTAL 40KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

Cycling throught day, est. 30 mins 200kcal

Hard workout, gym, 1 hour 530kcal

CAL EXERCISE TOTAL 730KCAL

Ow - im tired! Got body conditioning at 9am tomorrow and a film in the afternoon with both my sister and mother watching me closely! Am reli nervous about sunday because my body is only just recovering from tuesday (my sisters birthday).

Gonna go now beautiful girls,

Poppy xxx