So, its probably best to start with those.
POUNDS LOST OR GAINED
!LOST 5LBS!
Yay! Its really good news and it means i can catch up on my lax levels of weight loss recently. I just have to keep going and persevere because it is paying off. I dont think im going to do as well this week though - just a feeling.
So, thats my really good news over and done with - onto the boring bits! lol. I hope not!
Tuesday 19th August
I was working this day. I wouldnt want to bore you with the same details about my job as i usually say every tuesday and saturday blog that i work! Lets just say it went the same as always and i had my lunch of crackers and 1/2 an apple. A quarter of the cracker was blown onto the floor though because i was outside for my break. I didnt begrudge it too much because it saved me more cals! lol.
The only extra piece of food i did consume apart from my usual was one brazil nut. If i snacked on any other food while i was working, i would quickly and discreetly get a paper towel and spit it out into that.
I got home and felt sooo fatigued that i just couldnt bring myself to go to the gym for which i castigated myself for and got really angry with. For tea i had a soup which didnt bother me as it was low cal. When i went upstairs i was still craving something, it was made worse by the fact i knew i was under my cal max level intake for the day. I remembered throwing a cookie away (from the packet that i c/s yesterday) that i had saved incase i wanted one. I ate it all and sat there feeling guilty and unable to purge back up.
Wednesday 20th August
Today has been a slightly upsetting day. Not because i binged or anything reli horrific like that, but because i could have done so much better had i known. Anyways, from the top, i had to get up early today because i was meeting up with my friend who had just broken up with his boyfriend. My sister and i had a huge argument over owing money and she ripped a picture a friend had done me off my door. It wasnt just any picture, my friend who i had meet on the ED ward had drawn it for me, and the four of us on the ward all had one to put on our doors. I dont know if she's even still alive because she was pretty bad when i saw her. I got really angry about the picture but we eventually made up. I know that family domestic i just described wasnt interesting to you, but thats the first time we've had an argument like that in ages!
Then around lunchtime i met up with my friend and we came back to the house to chat about things. For 3 hours we talked, me mostly playing the concerned friend/counsellor, and he telling me his probs. When we were talking about his lack of appetite due to his split, he said that he almost wanted to punish himself for things by not eating. He said he just wanted to drift off and go to sleep. He had explained to me previously that he has an emotional connection with food. I told him that people that starve themselves do not 'float off' into death. Their hair falls out, they are constantly driven wild by these demons in their head - it is not peaceful. I also told him about sudden cardiac arrest which can occur in the stressed anorexic or bulimic body.
I know that this may seem slightly hypocritical to alot of you, but i cant change the path im on - it doesnt mean i cant warn others against going down the same one. I know the risks but im too late to do anything about it or, to sme degree, care. The last thing i would want though is for one of my friends to suffer too.
We went downstairs and both grabbed a cracker each. The last 5 minutes we ended on the subject of food and talked about all the delicious veggie meals there are. He said it made him hungry so im hoping this will help. I think i will leave him a little gift of a meal on the doorstep for him one of the next few days to let him know im thinking about him.
When he went, i suddenly felt the urge for chocolate. Sometimes when i get like that though, i dont try to find some, but trawl tens of sites adding boxes and bags of chocolates to the basket only to exit after i get to the checkout. Then my sister came up and gave me, exactly at the worst time, a packet of sweets. I was so craving sweets after the sites and gorged half the packet before i remembered that the sweets have jelly on their ears. I look on the back and find pork gelatin the 3rd highest ingredient. After that point, all i can see i pig fat, hooves and skin being boiled and poured into the sweet. yuck. i give the rest of the sweets to my sister.
I tried to purge some up and took 5 diet pills to reduce fat intake. I looked at the calories on the packet, and almost wept - 350kcal for 100g! That was half the packet!
I definitely went to the aerobics session tonight with a determination to shift all that disgusting pork fat and sweetener on my thighs. It was a good workout and i will at least do one workout tomorrow as well. The almost doomed outlook of my cals for the day was already set and unchageable. No matter how much i burned, i had still taken in, in one sitting, more calories than my normal intake.
Tea, i had a veggie burger and veggies. There was a little consolation found there but then mum had bought these fancy looking ice creams and i had one. Rather than being able to run upstairs, which is what my heaving body was desperate to do, i had to fold the washing up for 15 mins before going. When upstairs i used my fingers which is something i rarely do. But, u know what?! It got results!!!! I actually puked and if i'd kept them there rather than moving them i could have go the dinner as well. I was so proud of myself because it worked! yay!
TUESDAY 19TH:
CALORIE SECTION:
MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CALS
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
1 and 3/4 crackers 25kcal
1/2 an apple 40kcal
Tea
half a soup 150kcal
Snacks
a brazil nut 5kcal
a cookie 55kcal
TOTAL CAL INTAKE: 275KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
Walk to work, 25 mins, 1 and half miles 120kcal
TOTAL EXERCISE CALS: 120KCAL
WEDNESDAY 20TH:
CALORIE SECTION:
MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
1 cracker 14kcal
Tea
1 veggie burger and veggies 170kcal
galaxy ice cream P
Snacks
1/2 packet of sweets 350kcal
TOTAL CAL INTAKE: 534KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
1 hours hard workout aerobics 600kcal
TOTAL EXERCISE CALS: 600KCAL
Thats pretty much it today. Im really tired and, believe me when i say, i have alot on tomorrow. Im going shoe shopping! lol. eugh - i have fat feet!
x Poppy x
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