Pounds drop off as quickly as thick paint drying on a muggy day

It's always difficult when you get towards the lower end of a stone (14lbs). For me, i want to get on it then as soon as i hit my target, i want to get as quickly below and away from that number as possible.

It has taken me a painful few days of measuring the individual 1/4 pounds that keep me from my goal. Today i just reached under it, but that was only after purging. Tomorrow could go either way - i could put on due to the fact i drank again in the evening, or i could continue to lose.

I am so hoping that i get under my mark. Time seems to speed up and your weight loss seems to slug around and slow down as soon as a chink of light is in sight.

I have been working ALOT lately - but i don't know what i expect with three jobs! I am going to stop here because i am going to return and post something tomorrow, preferably before 4pm. We'll see...

Let me know how your doing. You all sound so busy and involved with your lives at the moment - it is really uplifting to hear from you.

Until later,

Poppy xox

I'm not prepared to be scared by my eating disorder yet. It's not finished.

I'm not quite sure how i feel today.

When i was searching for pictures to use on today's blog, i came across the usual worrying array of pictures that diplay what 'eating disorders' are really like. Problem is i feel like this train is going too fast. I can't stop what i'm doing because when i do i'll put on weight and i'm deathly afraid of that happening. I'd love to be able to eat normally and not engage in dangerous behaviours, but it scares me that all the weight might go back on again.

I keep on losing weight because i don't feel thin enough yet, not compared to others around me. Also i want to give myself at least half a stone as a 'safety net'. This means that if i do eat something bad, i still have 7lbs gap before whichever weight i said i would never get to again.

Anyways, just thought i'd air my views. In reply to your response Bonnie, don't worry about feeling like you have nothing to say. I'm even chuffed to see a smiley face in the comments box! Yes, i know that purging this much is a lot, and it had increased over the months again. I continue to reason with myself and my parents that it is less than i have done it in the past (which got to 6 times a day), therefore it is at a satisfactory level for me. I feel it is under control - not too little, but not too much. Obviously, i'm not quite fooled because i know my concept of what is control is probably warped, but i am too chicken to venture out of my ED safe zone yet. I have had no reply from the counsellors at present, but they did say it could take up to a month.

If it's any consalation, physically i'm not in a dreadful state. My teeth may be yellowing, but not too badly, i check my pulse and it is a few beats under regular limits, and i only get acid reflux very occasionally. Currently, i'm actually at a healthy weight for my height (140lbs) and i'm actually at less risk of any heart problems than when i was obese in January. Also, i haven't fainted once as yet....

Does that make it any better? I will see a counsellor though, as long as they don't try to force me to talk to a doctor. Not yet.

Right, onto today. I decided to leave yesterday because it was pretty much the norm - fruit box, 2/3 bag of tortillas, purged, 4 miles run, skipped tea to counterbalance calories. The Tuesday morning i had lost another 2lbs.

Wednesday 16th June

Quick bites:

- Weight lost/gained: lost 1lbs

- Binged/Purged: twice

- Exercise: 3 mile run

Fantastic news! I broke my barrier of lowest weight i have got to and have lost all the weekend weight i wanted to shift. I was so chuffed, however it makes me more nervous to be exactly on a stone, because if you gain you are losing your grip on it. I get itchy to get past that stone into the lower one and make as bigger gap as possible between it and where i am now. So right now i want to move into the 9st region and get as far away from the double digit as possible.

I made up my fruit box and went to work. Time went quickly, and for lunch i sat in the toilets licking my spoon clean of a fat free raspberry yoghurt. Who knew you could love a yoghurt so much?! Onto the rest of the day, and the afternoon slugged by. For lunch i mooched into town and bought some bits...i won't bore you with what you will already expect it to be. You are right - it is the sort of stuff you would expect it to be.

In the last hour at work, i sat in the toilets munching a bag of white chocolate covered fudge and purging it. Fudge ain't fun to b/p on, but then neither is peanut butter and i love it! I wasn't convinced i'd managed to remove it all so planned my run when i got home.

The driving home with my mum was horrible and i felt stressed when at home. I picked at 1 olive, 1 piece of pineapple and a strawberry. When mum went out to her exercise class, i spotted ym chance and idly began munching on the rest of the bag of tortillas. I stopped myself, got changed for a run and ran for 36 minutes.

When i got home, i decided i needed to miss dinner in order to make up for the calories that might have been digested when i b/p ed on the crisps and fudge. I arranged my washing up on the side board and then picked up an ice cream, bread roll and the rest of the crisps and sauntered upstairs. I added to the collection from my own stash, with chocolate macadamia nuts. I b/p ed it all.

Since then, i have been weighing myself regularly, and have remained the same. I am afraid to drink anything in case it messes up tomorrows weigh in, especially when i'm so close to going down a stone. *Cross fingers*

Please feel free to shout out below :)

Poppy xox

Mind over Matter, or the Mind Matters, or Matters effect Minds?... Or i'm just talking s**t!

All's quiet on the blog front at the moment then? I'm guessing you are all away trying to deal with things - i hope things haven't been too rough for any of you this weekend gone?

Eating Disorders often have ways of peaking and dipping, not to say, though, that any day goes away stress free.

My day has been relatively straight forward. Although it's not been a 'clean sweep' (day of no food), it has not been a HUGE binge day or a day where i have ate normally.

Quick Bites:

Weight lost/gained: lost 2lb

Binged/Purged: once

Exercise: run, 5 miles in 55 minutes

I awoke to the insistent beeping of my alarm clock, which, after a moments confusion, i remembered i had incovieniently placed across the room. I pulled myself out of bed and made for the bathroom, keeping with my pessimictic train of though: I've probably put on weight. But the scales argued different, even on the fifth try. I had lost 2lb! yippee! Only 1lb to go until i am back to the pre-bad weekend weight, then it's all go on trying to get as far away from that weight as possible.

I dithered about what to do first: run or go and replace food? I decided to replace the food i had binged on first, given that the supermarket could run out of some of it if i went to late. I was lucky, as they had almost run out of the ice cream i needed to replace. I got raspberries, blueberries and nectarines for my fruit box, 2 no fat yoghurts to try, 2 food magazines which actually turned out to have really good recipies in them, a bag of chocolate mice, hersheys cookies and cream bar, ice cream that needed replacing, and a bottle of diet coke. I was tempted by the ice cream because there's a new one with really inventive flavours like blackberry and pink grapefruit. But i didn't get them because i wouldn't want to purge them. I'd be trying them as a foodie, not a bulimic (if that makes any sense to anyone!).

I walked back home and found out that my driving lesson had been cancelled. Now i was left with the house alone and a bag full of shopping. I put it away but leave out one yoghurt and mix it with a small portion of fruit, dutifully counted for calories. I really enjoyed it, slowly licking the spoon clean. I put on a film, and an hour in i had already binged/purged on the hershey bar, one of the ice creams, the bag of chocolate mice and a portion of stuffed pasta. I managed to get most of it out and quickly went upstairs to weigh myself. I had lost, but couldn't trust my weight until tomorrow morning. So, dinner was now out of the equation and running was now necessary.

I tidy my room and mark some papers. It's a slow business! Everything is clean and presentable when my mum gets home - no signs of any purging anywhere. Both my parents get ready for exercise at the local centre and try to quiz me on my career...again! Bare in mind, they have bene doing this most days for weeks now. If i'm not moving forward enough for them, it's not good enough. They say the job i want to do isn't feasable to train for at the moment, and try to force me to consider another job - the one THEY have wanted me to do for years. Trying to put me in the hole they think i'll fit. Forcing me in, but i'm not willing to go in. I just hide my face in my hands and i feel upset. They drop it eventually.

When they leave, i get changed and go for a run. It's a good run and i manage 5 miles in under an hour. The music is really helping and i'm developing a running playlist. I check out the calories i burned - it should be enough to cover any excess calories i didn't purge in the afternoon. I get in, have a shower. I sneak a diet coke up to my room (i have been told off for having it after running because 'it's not good'. In truth i know, but who cares? Plus, i'm 22 for christ's sake! Get off my back!) I skip dinner as it will just be tempting fate to have anything else.

Now i've finished marking more papers, and need to get some sleep before driving tomorrow. Last time i drove to work in the am, i was not with it so i need more zzz's now!

Please feel free to leave comments, wishes, hopes and smiley faces below!

Love Poppy xox

Teetering on the edge - the tricky business of shifting the pounds

Back for another blog!
I always worry that these blogs get boring for you - 'i'll try to be good, slip up, purge'. Each day ends up like a roller coaster of emotions for me, but it may seem like i'm just whining from the outside, i don't know.

Anyways, let me know if i am. Onto today's happenings, which depsite all the odds don't look like they have turned out as bad as they could have.


Quick facts:
Weight lost - 1lb
Binge/Purged - twice
Exercise - only all the walking i do at work

Let's break this down by time:

6.30am - Wake up. I'm extremely tired because i didn't get home until midnight after work. I weigh myself and find i've lost another lb - excellent! Only a few more to go and i will have gotten rid of the weekend weight i put on when i went away.

7.30-12am - Working in the restaurant. Obstacles i had to avoid included croissants, fudge and buttered toast. I also tried to steer away from any fluids as well, just because if i could manage without them then it would be a bonus when it came to weighing. I found myself so busy and rushed off my feet, that only longing glances at the piles of food would have given away my urge to snarfle them all down and run to the toilet. I just kept, almost, running out of the kitchen whenever i was in there, to avoid any chance of eating. I MADE myself stay out of the kitchen because i knew that even if i had one piece of bread that it would mess up my calories for later - i needed enough calories for the tea later. I also had a backup salad in my bag in case i was working lunch and got hungry about midday. Luckily, i got off early. This had a plus and a minus - the plus was being away from the food and having time off, the minus was the fact that i wouldn't be busy and i would be near more accessable food at home. C'est la vie!

12am-12.30 - I walked to the local supermarket and managed to pick up the low cal meal that i had planned to get for the evening. I had carefully thought about what i was going to get the night before. This would mean i avoided surprises when it came to what i would have, and i could keep tabs on calories, etc. I got a quorn cottage pie (220kcals), a punnet of strawberries and (suprise surprise) a large bag of aero bubbles. Mum comes to get me and i wait in the car as she does her own shopping. She asks me if there is any thing i want. 'Well yes! could you get me a large cheesecake, a pack of doughnuts, bag of cookies, a tub of ice cream, whipped cream and a family size doritos bag please?'. I resist, instead, i just say no.

12.30-4.30 - Back at home. I mark some exams and immediately rip into the large bag of chocolate. My stepdad is painting in the room next door and i try to be quiet while i purge them up. Not the easiest thing, and i swore he heard me more than once, although gave no indication. He went down for his lunch and i purged the rest at ease. I get worried that i haven't purged enough and quickly weigh myself. The scales calm my anxiety temporarily.

4.30-6.30 - My grandma arrives and the dreaded dinner is impending. I stay upstairs incase there's any nibbles to tempt me, then come down when dinner's being served. My plate is the right one, and what's on it meets my approval - only the cottage pie and some veg. After main, everyone has desert and asks me what i'll have. I don't have anything, but mentally keep the cheesecake in mind for later. I decline the chocolate mints that follow as well. My binge demon is knawing at me like some rabid dog - honestly, it's a ba***rd 24/7!

6.30 - My parents say they are going out to the pub, and my grandma says she will go as well then. Fantastic! I have plenty of binge food and now the evening to purge at my leisure too! They go and i immediately reach for the freezer.

6.31-10.00 - Here's what i ended up having and purging: 1ltr of cornish ice cream, a slice of blackberry cheesecake, 10 chocolate mints, 2 bagels with cream cheese and tomato, 2 slices of toast with lots of butter and peanut butter and 1/2 packet of macadamia nuts. After realing that off, i am sincerely surprised that i don't look like some hideous human elephant. It makes me so angry to see it all there and know that i didn't resist and actually ate it! argh!
I put on a DVD, pulled up a bucket and purged. I weighed myself every hour or so to see how weight was doing. I had lost, although, as i have said before, majority was water weight. I was really chuffed as my bowels have actually worked today - can't believe i'm actually happy about doing a poo but it means i might weigh a 1/4 of a lb less right?! :P

10.00-1.30 - I finish the film, purge on the side, book two nights stay in a hotel away for the fam in the summer and do a bit of marking. I spend 30 minutes deciding whether to put more or less on a shopping order and whether or not to move it forward, only to leave it as it is. Now i am going to sleep :)

Fun fun tomorrow - a dicey weigh in, a driving lesson and a trip to the supermarket (again) to replace the food i ate. Soon they're going to know me by name in there!

Night,

Poppy xox

All is not lost.... Right??

No time to be clever or long-winded. This is going to be a very short bullet pointed blog.

I have to get up in 6 hours time to go to work again for a very busy shift and i'm feeling like i want to break down and cry. In fact, i've felt 'on the edge of it' since this afternoon - everyone has been snappy and shouting at me and i feel really upset.

Facts for today:

Weight - lost 2lbs

This is good considering i had that big binge the day before, guess we will have to see if the weight stays off tomorrow morning.

Binge/Purged - once. It wasn't too bad because i have been running around at work today and haven't had time to indulge and eat. I only purged when i came home and had my usual stir fry then followed it up with a scone i had tried my best to deny. Then i purged.

Exercise - well, not really apart from running around like a lunatic for 11 hours today. I waitress so it is tough physical workouts there.

Fears - ontop of 100 other things my mind wants to cry about at the moment, one is that my grandma is coming over for tea tomorrow. It's a sunday so i won't have enough time to buy myself low cal provisions. My parents threw away my omlette so that option is out the window and i finished my stir fry today. In other words, i'm fucked and shitting myself. I am truly upset and scared. I think i am going to pray that i am let off work early so i can buy myself something i know is safe. They bought cheesecake as well, but i will just have to refuse it despite the fact that they boght it especially for me

Must go now. Need sleep and i know tomorrow will be make or break.

Free hugs to all,

Poppy xox

And the beat goes on...

Yep - this is pretty much what today has looked like and that mass in the middle is what i feel like. Admittedly, i have weighed myself virtually every hour after my purge and have not gained. But i am still deathly afraid of getting on those scales tomorrow and finding i have stayed the same or put on anything.

Yesterday was almost a complete success. I will quickly summarise it for you:

Weight lost 1lb, binge/purged once, 40 minutes spinning, ate fruit box, salad box, yellow tomato soup and roll.

There was the hiccup of the fact i b/p ed on 2 mini green and blacks bars and a pack of reeses cups. I also freaked out when i got home and my mum said it was probably too late for me to have my stir fry. I had planned it especially because it was low in calories. I kicked up a bit of a fuss and tried t argue, but had to change my dinner plans to soup which i wasn't as happy with. Stupidly i felt like crying when i was told i had to choose something else.

Anyway, onto today.

Weight - remained same

Binge/Purged - alot of food, took time to purge.

Exercise - 1 hour of running, 5 miles

I got up this morning, convinced that, as i had been so good yesterday, apart from the minor binge/purge yesterday, that i was bound to lose weight. I looked down at the scales - stayed the same. I was gutted and it really set me in the wrong mood for the day. But, alas, that wasn't all. I then went downstairs and my mum, thinking she was doing me a favour, had pre-packed my box of fruit. She had put waaay too much of everything in it and given me a bigger box. I almost had a strop and tried to put some of the fruit back. In the end, i decided that i'd count my usual fruit out then save the rest for the next day.

I was only at work for 3 hours which sped by really quickly. During the last hour, i planned to go to the local supermarket to look for a present for someone. I don't even remember planning on buying binge food, but as i wandered towards the store, things added themselves to my mental shopping list. By the time i got to the shop, i was in a haze of cheesecake, whipped cream, ice cream and carbs. I panicked when i got to the door because i realised i wanted too much 'bad' food to be inconspicuous. It was too late now, i was there - i'd just have to buy more healthy food to cover it up.

The end result was quite a lot of binge food. A smattering of light cream cheese, diet fizz, a civilised packet of nuts, quorn beef slices, soup and pineapple barely concealed my real mission of chocolate chip cookies, chocolate packets, macaroni cheese, multi pack ice creams, and potato salad. I would have got more but i was worried my basket was becoming obvious as it was.

When i got home, i didn't even stop. During the bus journey home, i had even arranged what order to eat the food and when to 'layer' the ice cream in so as to get all the food back. I ate a few bits of chocolate while my bagel toasted, once it toasted i slapped on cream cheese. Eat. Ice cream number one is licked clean off the stick while the macaroni cheese is cooking. Macaroni cheese is ready. Eat. Second and third ice creams eaten. Chocolate, cookies and macadamia nuts are folded into the mix. Then i began the proper purge...

In total from the moment i started eating to the moment i stopped purging, it was 4 hours. This isn't because i am so rubbish that i simply dribble, but because i like to be through. Once done, i cleaned up just in time before mum came home. I let things settle and quickly weigh myself. My weight has gone down but i'm not fooled - it's mostly water weight. The run i'd been planning would act as assurance that most of the calories would stay away from my stomach and thighs.

It was a great run. I now run with my music because i find it acts as great motivation. I mean, the run was difficult but i really pushed myself to do 5 miles and did it! Hopefully it will pay off, i'll just have to see tomorrow. Now i'm finishing here then going to bed as i have work tomorrow and i'm really hoping the fudge looks disgusting or they're running low!

Glad to hear that things are going well for most of you and that you are dealing in your own ways. I'm sorry if i haven't emailed back yet, it's not that i don't care - i REALLY do! I will try to reply this weekend, but trust me - you will get a reply sometime :)

Be Happy,

Poppy xox

Too soon to say the word 'progress' ... Damn you bagels!!

Heya!
I know it's not fair but it's going to be another brief blog today. Have just had to mark another 100 exam papers in 3 hours solid so i'm pretty wiped.

I must remember my manta i told you yesterday, because it was so tempting to slip into the bad habit of denying it all and ignoring this blog for another day.

Pounds lost since yesterday - 1lb
Miles run / time run for - 3.12 miles, 35 minutes
Times purged - twice

When i got up this morning i had a strong sense of motivation, especially after a small loss in weight. I carefully packed my fruit box for breakfast then made up a salad box of 8 cucumber sticks, 1 carrott baton, 4 olives with pimento and 3 cherry tomatoes for lunch. I decided it was safer to plan to an eventuality where i would want to eat lunch, but wasn't brave enough to venture to the kettle and sip my soup in front of the office.

The morning was a stinking pile of nothing. As most classes have virtually ended, my timetable has crashed and burned like a train wreck. I sat and clicked about on the computers in the morning, then went for lunch. I walked into town and sorted out my business, including buying Sherlock Holmes on DVD. Huge recommendation for it - it's fantastic! I sat on a bench and nibbled my way through my veggie box feeling very conscious but self righteous. As a last trip before heading back to college, i nipped into the local sweet store which does unusual and inventive chocolate bars. I bought two.

Back at work, there was nothing to do. I made a dash for the toilet, predictably this ended up in me purging 1 chocolate bar and the majority of my salad. I got really stressed and panicky though, because for a while a lot of it was just refusing to come out no matter how hard i pushed. In the end i had to 'flush' (bulimic technique) most of it. It's always when i'm hiding out in the toilets that i realise how abnormal my behaviour is - i mean i see the cleaner on a daily basis now. I had to leg it part way through the chocolate binge because the first toilet flooded (not my fault), but there were bits floating and i didn't want to be seen coming out of a loo with vomit in it. Not a good impression!

After i spent a good long while forcing things out, i returned to work and found something more useful to do. When i got home, i decided i would go back out running again, while i was still hot for it. I had planned that i would only run for half an hour or so, just to change up the time lengths. In the end it worked out well - i'm running a lot faster and going further. I compromised and did 35 minutes. When i got home i had tea which was a stir fry with 1 portion of quorn. As soon as my parents were out the house though, i stil felt the need to binge on an ice cream, 1/2 cream cheese bagel and the seconf chocolate bar! I get so aggravated with myself because i am fed up of trying to find solutions to my 'blind binges' and i want to know the reasons why i do it, then i can control it. At the moment, the only means of control is purging.

So, after i had purged for the second time, i settled down to watch Sherlock Holmes and do some exam papers. Although, for the past 5 hours i have had absolutely horrible acid reflux. Thats when you get stomach acid coming back up your oesophagus. It really hurts and i wish it would go away.

So, that's today. Some good, lots bad. Let's hope tomorrow is better, although i doubt it because i have the house to myself in the morning :/

Feed me comments please - they are calorie free!

Poppy xox

Food = Love : The nasty equation which means i will have to deal with being bulimic

Well, over these last few days i've been hiding from you all, skulking in the dark stuffy corners of my mind. After mentioning my increased need to binge, and thus rising levels of purging, things didn't subside. I continued to binge and purge, and i put on a little extra weight as well. I was constantly freaking out about the weight gain but couldn't seem to stop eating. It was only yesterday that i realised i had to get a hold of it while i hadn't gained a mamouth amount of weight and ended back up as a beached whale in overly-tight summer shorts. Ugh!

So, i have gritted my teeth and come on here to say the following: I'M BULIMIC!

This sounds so stupid, but we all fool outselves that we can become anorexic and i have always harboured the belief that bulimia is a secondary eating disorder - one of chaos and indulgence, whereas anorexia is one on a higher plane of being! But i was always brought up on the idea that food can solve anything and that if i eat enough of it, it will be able to substitute pretty much anything. All those feelings that swirl around in your body can be solved by a couple of doughnuts and a bottle of liptons. Ha! So, i just have to live with it. As with bulimia, we purge - somtimes alot, and i will just have to deal with the fact that it is an almost certainty that i will purge at least once a day. I need to stop setting stupid expectations that i can get through a day without vomitting by food into a bucket, and get over my proud ashamed self that believes you all tut and are disgusted by my blogs every time i mention the fact i purged. Bulimia is part of my nature and i intend to be honest about it on this blog.

There - i've said my piece! Now onto today's business.

I've set myself a new way of doing things which i am going to use as a sort of safety net rather than a guideline. Today was the first day following it, and i deviated and twisted it a little, but i don't believe it affected it for better or worse. The 'plan' was as follows:

Breakfast - 5 strawberries, 5 blueberries, 2 raspberries, 1 brazil nut = 60kcals

Lunch - 1 broccoli and cauliflower slim a soup - 60kcals

Dinner - choice of various meals including stir fry (with or without quorn), weight watchers soup or covent garden soup (with or without crackers) or 1/4 omlette with salad.

I have felt alot more positive today now i have started back on things. I am hoping that by giving myself breakfast and lunch it will reduce my urge to binge/purge. Although i might have to edit the lunch part for when i'm at work because ii don't think i'm confident enough yet to make my lunch and drink it in front of people. I will plan a small mixed salad for tomorrow lunch and keep it as an optional meal depending on how brave i feel around others.

I felt so disgusting this morning and was more convinced than ever than i had magically expanded into my old trousers. In fact, they weren't really old but i was about to discard them just before i put on the 7lbs. I weigh myself - really didn't want to , but i want to see my progress from day one. Then i cut up my fruit and put it in a tiny pot with the brazil nut. At work, i tentatively sat on the edge of my seat as i ate the food around people. I felt really greedy that i was eating so early and it felt like i was wasting calories that i might need to save for later in case of some sort of food crisis involving an unexpected meal.

Luckily, i finished work at 2pm. I had planned to leave a bit early in order to go to the supermarket and get some stir fry. Of course, this meant that most of the hours leading up to it i was wildly swinging between whether to give in and purchase big tubs of potato salad and boxes of cheesecake, or to simply grab the stir fry and run. This is another difficulty for me as a bulimic, because i have a natural interest and fascination with food. I long to try things and experiment. This is something you are sort of forbidden to do when in the grips of an ED. So, when i got into the shop, i ended up with a sort of mish mash between what i wanted and what i was supposed to be there for. I got olives, raspberries, cherries, low cal soup and stir fry on the good side, and on the bad side i got a small tub of white chocolate ice cream and a bar of caramel chocolate. Eugh - i really am cringing now and am so embarrased to be admitting this to you guys!

I reasoned that the bar was for my box and the ice cream was there as a sort of back up. When i got home, the ice cream had partially melted and i dipped a teaspoon in it and licked off the contents. I quickly shoved it in the freezer before i sucumbed again and poured myself a cuppa soup. I then drank it so fast i scalded my tongue. Predictably, before i knew it i had returned to the kitchen and was lifting the ice cream out of the freezer. It was a hesitant binge and i b/p ed in parts, only having a little before expelling. Bye bye to the soup as well. Both the bar and the ice cream went, along with a cream cheese bagel. So much for being good - i feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Why can i not keep myself pure?

I have a load of exam papers to mark, so i do that while the boiler is being fixed. I wear a top that was in a bag of clothes offered to me by a friend of the family. She is ex-anorexic and beautifully skinny. The hoodie is supposedly my size but i long for the day when i can disappear in it. Its arms are so tight that it pinches my skin and moulds it into sausage-like lumps. Lose weight.... lose weight.... lose weight!

Time passed, my mum returns home and gives me a dissapointed look. She is unhappy with me and angry because she thinks i will become a lazy lump again. I haven't been for my run. She arches an eyebrows as if to say 'you REALLY need a run, fat thing' and asks me if i am going for a jog, i tell her maybe. She heads out later for a jog herself and just sighs as i am still sitting on my bed. When she goes, i decide to go for a run. If i didn't, it would mean more low moods and desperate pinching at my fat belly. I head out as she comes back, and run to the sound of my music - on a playlist called 'thin'.

I feel fantastic when i get back. I ran 4 miles in 47 minutes, but that was including having to stop twice for yappy dogs and slow moving vehicles! I loved the run and feel fantastic. I might try to do 30 minutes tomorrow, but not push myself any further unless i want to. I don't want to hate running. So, i think i have run off anything that stayed stuck to my stomach after the afternoons purging. We will see what the result is tomorrow...

I have to disappear now as i want some sleep, but i will be back tomorrow to tell you the 'result'. Hope you are all well, please let me know email or otherwise. If i don't reply to your emails quick enough, then don't hesitate to send me a nagging email to chase it up.

Sending love to you all - and remember: don't be ashamed of your eating disorder, whatever it is. It doesn't matter whether you starve or overeat, or both, they are equally important.

Poppy xox

My Low Anthem sounds like a constant gag...feelin sad

Hiya Guys!

Sorry it's been a few days since i've updated. I did solemnly swear to write another blog on Wednesday, when i returned from my trip and i didn't. So for that i apologise - this is the reason:

You know when you get on the scales and it gives you a number that makes you go, 'no. no way - that cannot be possible'. Well, it was one of those. I gained more weight in two days than i had imagined or mentally planned for. This is still throwing me now and i feel like a large blob of putty.

I sort of went spinning off like a dervish when i found out my weight gain. Literally, for the past two days since i returned from my friends, i have been eating and throwing up vitually non-stop. I will eat lunch in the morning, followed by a tea time snack and more loaded foods. I have just not been stopping. All my kitchen cupboards have been raided to the point when i am eating through 'normal' food rather than binge food because i haven't prepared any. It is very rare that i end up resorting to the kitchen food.

TO make things worse, after the first day of binging i put on more!! I was mortified and need a fresh start tomorrow in order to shift these extra lbs asap. I will not divulge how many given that i am truly horrified at the amount, although feel free to guess how many lbs i put on in the comments section below.

When i was visiting my friend, it was like a switch flipped and i ate everything. I doesn't help that she eats like a hobbit - lots and all the time! By tea time the first day i actually felt physically sick. I detest being sick in other's houses and we always ate together which made it virtually impossible to purge. But i still ate - the binge eater in me had not died. I felt like the little chubby child again home from school, pigging out on biscuits. We went through bagels with cream cheese, chocolate bars, pb & j on toast, krispy kremes, crisps and dip, pasta with sauce ... and not forgetting a large extra cheese pizza.

It's hard for me to admit because i completely wonder what i was thinking, but i think i removed myself from my fat body, as though i had left it at home with me and would go back and deal later. Well - i dealt - HARD! It was totally my own fault and now the mountain has got even steeper to climb until my next goal.

My mum has got bad again about nagging me and making me feel bad. In her defence, she doesn't realise she does it, and i think it's insecure displacement. You know? - she feels bad so passes it on to someone else. She keeps saying that i shouldn't be eating stuff and that we will all have to get back to eating better ('healthily') now. She also keeps bugging me about my exercise. Thing is all this time she likes me doing it because i am less of a beast than i was, eventually getting down to an 'acceptable' size and more like the daughter she probably wants me to be, but when it doesn't suit her she'll probably change her mind.

I can't believe how much i have eaten and purged today - it is getting so addictive like a drug. I am going to have to try and control myself tomorrow before it gets out of hand. If i were to lay today's food out in all honesty to you, it would sound like this:

1/2 baguette of falafel, lettuce, olives and soured cream (at 9am), 1/2 pack of vegetable crisps, 1/2 box flake moments (10am), 2 vieneisse biscuits, 1 almond ice cream (2pm), falafel wrap with homous (4pm), a jam sandwich, 1 smoothie ice cream, 5 pieces of fudge (8pm).

All of this i purged at some point. To what extent, i will find out tomorrow.

So, my days are becoming a horrible continuation of b/p ing, and i need to get back to work to get some stability and control. Hopefully the beginning of which is tomorrow.

It is so amazing to hear from so many of you guys again. You have no idea how happy it makes me to receive your blogs, particularly when i am feeling so low at the moment. They keep me going, and stop me from festering in my own lonliness. I will reply very soon, maybe give me a day or two as i am currently rushed off my feet with work.

Must go,

Poppy

Misleading Report - I AM NOT A PRO ANA SITE/BLOG

This isn't a blog entry, but i am so angry that i had to write here and explain why.

Earlier yesterday, i was surfing the internet to see any sites or links to my ED site. I do this to see how far it's spread and what is being said on the grapevine, etc. When doing this i came across a blog called 'Teaching High School Psychology', which had a potentially enlightening article on pro ana sites.

However, when i went to read it i realised they had labelled my site and blog as 'ones that promote being thin as a lifestyle'. They call the site 'disturbing' whose 'views are of those who are not pro-recovery'.

I am truly disgusted. Is it me or have they just skim read, not just my blog, but the entire pro ana paraphenalia of sites and blogs?

Pro ana is, and i use a dictionary definition, 'the promotion of anorexia nervosa as a lifestyle choice rather than an eating disorder'. As is plain by my blog, i am acutely aware that i have an eating disorder and that one day i hope i'll be strong enough to give it up. However, i am also relistic and not selfish enough to waste the NHS time by sitting in therapy when i don't believe i want it yet. In both my blog and my site, i repeat many times that eating disorders are not fun fairground rides that you simply jump on, have one go and jump off again. They are serious, deadly and unhappy things to find yourself burdened with. Obviously whoever researched the 'pro ana' on my site conviniently missed out the 'disclaimer' page which goes over all this.

The blog continues by saying the following:

'To me, this quote sums up this site: "I'm now back at univeristy until the end of June. The doctor has pushed me into seeing a CPN again, and so i might have to see one again. I'm not going to stop though - I know as much as it might be better for me, i don't want to recover yet".

That isn't pro ana summed up in a quote - that's an EATING DISORDER full stop. Just because i said that i wasn't ready for recovery, doens't make me automatically 'pro ana', it makes me a confused human with mental health issues. My blogs are an expression of my own feelings and actions as a diagnosed bulimic in today's society. I can understand that it may seem triggering, but i never encourage others to follow my example. It's just that in leiu of a service that allows me to unburden myself without fear of being refered to the doctors (again), i vent my feelings online. This has been received well by many fellow sufferers who have found these blogs to be a comfort, as they can relate to certain fellings and practices, etc. Therefore i will keep it going, not just for myself, but for them as well.

Lastly, many of the people that read these blogs and with whom i email know that i always encourage recovery. I suggest it as an option usually when i first talk to people, and if they consider it or take up recovery later on, i will fully support and encourage them. I think it is a wonderful thing and i have enormous respect for anyone who is even attempting recovery right now. They will be happier and healthier for it. If anyone wants to leave a message below to back me up on this, in case the psychology bloggers read this, please do - it would really help.

So, to whoever wrote that blog, please get your facts straight before you write an article on 'pro ana' again.

Poppy