'Always look on the bright side of life' - weight loss and food probs... WEIGH IN DAY!!!!!

Long time, no speak! Well, not as long as some of the time ive had to take off but i havent meant to be absent this long today! This has kind of become two blogs rolled into one due to my pathetic tardy bloging! lol.


Where to begin?....hmmm....

How about my weight!? Just a topic i picked compeltely and utterly (cough cough) at random! lol

Well, if you remember, i had gained 6 pounds! (shock horror! gasp!) from my holiday and my target for the week was to lose those 6lbs so that the following week would be from scratch. Im proud to tell you that not only did i lose the 6lbs but i also overshot by 3lbs!!!! yay! However, that only means an total loss of 3lbs because of the fact that the rest was weight i had put on.

POUNDS GAINED OR LOST SINCE BACK FROM HOLS:

9LBS!

WEIGHT LOST (MEASURING FROM THE LOWEST WEIGHT SO FAR)

Lowest weight before this week - week before hols

3LBS

Im so chuffed - like a puffed out train! lol. Its given me great motivation. Its just a shame that it then had to be followed by birthday food and celebrations!

Tuesday 29th July:

So...the dreaded but much awaited for day arrives. The happy but incredibly crap day rolled into one like some foul tasting wrap! I got up in the morning for work and only caught the end line of 'happy birthday' to my sister. Work was pretty much as it always was and i plodded along, neatly shuffling past the samples waiting to go home.

At 12 midday my mum came around to collect the lasagnes for the party that evening and, given that it was on my discount, i went to pay for them. My card was rejected!!! I was gutted so i had to call the bank, really fearful someone had gotten into my account. Luckily it wasnt that, but they said they'd sent me a new card in June so i should have received it! Im just waiting for a new card now so am now falling upon the mercy of others!

After i finished work, there was no time to go to the gym (apparently, i swear i could have got at least 30 mins in and a shower before anyone arrived! poo!). I went home and we all watched my sister open her presents. There was only a small crowd for tea so i didnt feel to overwhelmed to eat. Usually if its big crowds i dont like to eat in front of them.

I almost cried out when they served the lasagne out rather than let everyone get their own. I sat inside with my grandma as there were no more places outside. I liked it that way, away from alot of people while eating. I just felt fat if i ate in front of others. For pudding two MAHOOSIVE boxes of doughnuts were bought out. It was like i wanted them all, but at the same time i didnt want any. I kept remembering the line in my head from one of the motivational food quotes (on the photo page) - 'trans fats can stay in your body for up to a year'. It made me sick. One doughnut was placed on my plate, then another. There had been all these charts planned out and methods and now it felt so jumbled, out of control and like i was floating with no solid ground. I didnt know whether to continue floating or find the floor quick.

I was stuck in that decision rut for the rest of the evening. I was between leaving any more food alone and enjoying as much as possible. This is the only problem coming from mia to ana - you have two different personality types in your head both arguing that you should do what they say. Its infuriating. The bulimic part of you, when it tastes the fatty sweetness, wants to binge then purge (even if it partly knows the purging cannot occur). The anorexic side of you, on the other hand, wants to run away, to scream, to wash your hands clean of that food you almost touched.

My sisters surprise present came later - it was a car! We stood outside and admired it for about 20 minutes! I was so happy for her, now she can learn to drive!

Only cake to go then! We sang the song and then when the cake was starting to be cut i got jittery. I had only wanted half a piece and now didnt think i wanted any at all - i felt so fat! correction: i was, am, so fat! A piece was handed to me and i stared around the room at people tucking into theirs. A friend of the family was over in the corner and was joking about the calories in the cake saying to his mother-in-law - 'oh! i better relieve you fo that. it would only be a favour because its so bad and full of calories!'. He had only wanted the bit of cake and it was a joke - but for me if really hit home. I looked at my sad bit of cake and peeled off the tiniest bit of icing. Then i put it down and slipped out of the room.

I curled on one of the steps of the stairs quietely and no one bothered me for 5 minutes. It was a horrible thought that i had eaten all that stuff. And he was right- ALL THOSE CALORIES! - his words had brought me out of a daze to realise the harsh trut of the food i was looking at. I felt like crying. After calming down a little, i became desperate to know what my weight was - had it gone up or down since i ate that last doughnut? How much had it cost me?. I sneaked into the bathroom and i had gained 1lb. It still stang. I heard a knocking at the door and my sister wanted to come in that moment. I had no where to hide my scales, and if she saw those she'd know for definite. I pushed them behind something, i still think she saw them though.

Back downstairs, i stood around listening to everyone chatter. It was like i was removed from the conversation, or maybe i removed myself from the conversation. After all, i did slide further and further into the kitchen portion of the room till i was almost hidden by the freezer. My sister found me though - as she always does, and asked if i was ok. I lied to her and said yes.

When everyone had left, its pretty much a dull tale. You know the drill? Clean up and go to bed! I was so exhausted that i found it hard to keep my eyes open. In fact, i am tonight as well!

OMG! i cannot be becoming an early bird! noo! im always a night owl! At least it would mean i could get more exercise in though!

btw. for this day im not going to write down calories, because if i do i might as well slit my wrists now and have done with it. Its best i use it as motivation to work off those lazy fat globules!

Wednesday 30th July:

Another day dawns, time for the cleanup - in more ways than one!

I say, another day dawns, this may be factually accurate but i was not awake to see the dawn. Nor was i awake to see midday actually! I got up at 1pm. A little late, i'll grant you, and i had now missed the post but it was nice to have a lay in.

Today has been a day of not much. My sister and i have spent quality time in her car, just listening to music. I have been trying to get my site caloriebible.com filled up asap, although it will still take me a while. It has taken me alot of the day, until my mum came back to fill in M-O of the fruit and veg section, get a search box (which i now find cannot work yet) and pin down when to start the dairy page.

However, when mum did come back it was time for action, lots of it because we were going to an intensive aerobics session. It was really good today and i actually enjoyed it! One of the best exercises is aerobics so i strongly recommend it! I have told my godmother that i will be at the aerobics tomorrow morning so now i cant back out. Its just a failsafe way of making sure i actually do go!

When we came back my family had tea and said i really should have something. I didnt feel like eating but knew that they didnt know that and my stepdad probably noticed i hadnt touched much at all earlier on. I settled for an easy salad. When they got up from the table to wash up i felt really annoyed because if im not eating so they can see it then i dont want to eat. But i couldnt not because they were only a few paces away. I finished most of it.

So, now i upstairs and really ready to get to bed because the more sleep i get now the less tired i'll be for aerobics tomorrow!

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CALS

Breakfast
Nothing 0KCAL

Lunch
Nothing 0KCAL

Tea
House salad 20KCAL

Snacks
Nothing 0KCAL

CAL FOOD TOTAL 20KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1hr hard aerobics, high burn 600kcal

CAL EXERCISE TOTAL 600KCAL

PS: ooo! I deicided to try on some of my pyjamas that had been sitting in a box since i arrived back from bath. Many of them i had stopped wearing because they had gotten too tight. The two pairs i picked out fit nicely now! I fact, the ones ive got on now used to be SUPER tight now i can breather deeply in and now streach the fabric at all! yay!

PSPS: I have received a message from blackrose who let me know about prettythin and i checked it out myself. It is indeed true and upsetting. That site has been there ever since i started visiting these sites. I am surprised they kept it up that long before freezing it though, as its easy to find. It would be nice to know how they condone freezing it, then we could avoid it! lol.

On the subject of this site freezing, i sincerely, with all my heart, hope that doesnt happen because of all the work, not only me, but you have put into it. I am paid up for a year so it is possible they wont want to freeze it due to my payment, im not sure. In the eventuality of this site freezing though, i will not be going. I have another site which, although not made to be a ana&mia site (its my accompaniment site to beautyisbones) i will temporarily move over to, the link is below. Just thought you'd like to know, in case!

www.freewebs.com/caloriebible

Must buzz now

*X Poppy X

zzz....brain battery has gone flat - in dire need of charging!

Heya.


Im reli tired and almost dropped off in front of the computer a second ago. I wil write my blog tomorrow.

Sorry about the delay - but i reli am about the drop off!

Love Poppy xoxo

'I can go the distance. I will find my way, if i can be strong.' - Go the Distance

NOTE ON TITLE: Despite the slight pessimism you may feel when you hear that the lyrics of my title above are from Hercules the Disney movie, the song has very good 'stay strong' lyrics, apart from the occasional line of 'in your arms'! I'll post the lyrics at the bottom.


Oh Yes! Another sucessful day and another gruelling workout! lol. Today, as predicted has gone very well - im only one night away from knowing my weight for the week.

For those of you that dont know, im going to weight myself on tuesday morning rather than evening, because in the afternoon there will be lots of food because its my sisters birthday!

I'll make this blog quite brief because its late and im working tomorrow (oh joy!) not to mention i have to write in my sisters card still! oops!

So, my ideal plan was to go gyming this morning but given the lateness i went to bed last night, i knew even then that it was out of the question. The only reason i woke up at 9am (painfully bleary eyed) is because an important parcel was supposed to arrive and we couldnt miss it. It was delivered and i went back to bed. I drifted in and out of sleep due to a high frequency of phone calls this morning. Eventually i got up at 12 midday.

It was definitely too late to go to the gym as i still had to make lots of phone calls regarding uni and finances. After a number of phone calls, one of which included me having to part with £100 (! ) i quick marched to the bus half an hour later than i had wanted to get there, then went off to the city where my mum works.

I spent the rest of the day tactfully avoiding those aisles which had food in them. Although i did have to buy some chocolate for my sister, and was quite proud that i avoided the pitfall of buy some myself. In fact, today has been super. I managed to find exaclty what i wanted in town and more without any problems. After finishing shopping for my sisters birthday prezzies, i walked to meet my mum. On the way home she mentioned what i had done today and i carefully slipped into my events of the day that i had picked up a wrap and eaten it in the park.

Back home, there was no time for dilly-dalllying and we went off to circuit training (yes!). It was a hard workout, though i found it easier than last time i did it. 600kcal in the exercise kitty! I now prepared my speech for tea and mention i would have my soup otherwise it would go off (it wouldnt but its a good excuse).

However, when we got home i said id have tea after a shower but we talked so much i sat with my parents while they ate, only sipping on a pepsi max. After my shower, i decided to avoid those crippling stomach pains for the night, as it would only make me want to binge, and i had the other half a soup.

Now im up in my room, and about to write in my sisters card and go to bed. Its been a long day and im looking forward to tomorrow to see my sisters face because my family got her a car!! lol.

CAL SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 a covent garden soup 155kcal

Snacks
Nothing 0kcal

CAL FOOD TOTAL 155KCAL


EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hour hard workout circuit training 600kcal

CAL EXERCISE TOTAL 600KCAL

EMILY AND RUBY: i probably wont get round to replying to your messages tomorrow (due to sisters birthday celebrations) but will try to answer in the next few days. Stay strong girls!

Please wish me luck and pray for me girlies, as tomorrow is party food galore including a sit down dinner of lasagne and cake! aaahhhh!

Im going to dose off now, so au reviour for now filles!

Poppy xx @-'-,--


GO THE DISTANCE LYRICS:

I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome
Would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while
When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong
Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through
And I won't look back
I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track
No I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete
But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart
Like a shooting star
I can go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its harms
I don't care how far
I can go the distance
TillI find my hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms...
I will search the world
I will face its harms
TillI find my hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms...

Puffed out and chuffed proud with exercise - and the beat goes on with food...!

<-- Check me out! Or perhaps, as you have guessed, not me but see see what i have been doing today!!


Oh yes! Im puffed out and chuffed proud after my first run in ages! I thought i did quite well at it as well so i give myself bonus points! hehe.

Sundays are always the worst days. No where is open to exercise and everyone is having big family meals. Well...we have the Sunday Roast here in England, so thats what its like here. Big meals on Sunday.

I had such a task getting myself out of bed today. Not only had i had lack of sleep from the night before, but it was also swealtering hot outside. Perhaps, im sure you would agree, not the best day to begin my running! lol. However i got up finally and was ready when the bell went.

Oh yes! Im not a loner - i had arranged to go with my godmother who has been running for years but due to a bad knee meant she cannot exert herself too much. This meant we would both be running at about the same speed and ideal running partners.

So we set off and it was particularly nice run. I wont go into detail and explain where we went because there would be no point. But, despite the hot weather and pain of it, i enjoyed it. We didnt run too fast, and ran in 5 minutes intervals to begin with, then increased running time and reduced walking time. We were out 50 minutes.

I will say now - that run made me feel better than alot of the other activities i have done so far. Although i only burnt 380kcal, in comparison to the 600kcal i burn in circuit training.

Afterward, i ploughed on forward and had a shower, changed my sheets, did the hoovering and polishing. I lay on my bed around 12.30 and found myself nodding off. I find that its easier for me to have a sleep in the middle of the day than it is for me to sleep at night! I woke up around 2.30pm although i still felt tired and drained.

For the rest of the afternoon, i read some of 'Perfect' (am almost at the end of it) and went on the internet to check out this site. Towards 5pm, my sister's friends came around for her pre-birthday celebration of movie and sleepover. Her birthday is on Tuesday - a daunting prospect to say the least! I tipped half a soup away for lunch to give the impression i'd eaten it for lunch.

At little further on around 6pm, tea for the three girls was served - pizza and dough balls. My mum offered if i wanted to go down and have some with them - i declined. When they went down, i flicked through my calorie book until i had found the calories for the dough balls and pizza, then i felt safe enough to go downstairs. It wasnt as if i was going to have any, but at least i knew - it was like a safety net.

I was offered pizza and doughballs more than once and declined politely each time. Eventually food was binned and plates put away. They then all vacated the house - my sister and her friends would go see the movie, and my parents would go have a meal out. I was left alone.

Immediately i fancied, not soup, but warm cheesy pasta. I tried to convince myself out of it and eventually managed to. But rather than do this by running out of the kitchen, i went from one cupboard to another. i eventually calmed myself down and picked up a black cherry yoghurt for 50kcals, and one oatcake for 45kcals. The oatcake was no problem, it was only when i was trying to eat my frozen yoghurt (which was SOLID!) that i gave up. I dumped it in the bin and grabbed an ice cream from the freezer. Then i, in a mad frezy, ate another lolly, and another then a cake bar. All this stuff should be BANNED from the house, or at least have a lock on it!!

I purged enough to constitute one lolly but my stomach seemed to be clinging on for dear life to the food i had just swallowed. I took four diet fat-burning pills and wallowed in my guilt until i got a phone call.

My friend said did i want to meet up. I had planned to for that evening so i agreed to meet up. I would have loved (perhaps thats not the right word) to sit there and continue to purge till i had got more out but i didnt. We met up and spent the rest of the eveninig watching films. At least it kept me out of the way of food. I was grateful for that.

Finally now i have spent the evening on the beautyisbones forum, which i am proud to say, has been busy today and following with support and advice! Thanks to all of you came on today - its been really fun and i hope to see you again!

I am looking forward to tomorrow as i am planning two lots of exercise. One gym session in the morning, and then my second circuit training session at 7-8pm (oh joy! here i come achingly-painful thighs!). I will also be preoccupied tomorrow as i have many phone calls to make and am going to see mum at work. And, if my pattern prediction is correct, tomorrow should be my restricted day. Today has been my mini binge day.

Before i write to lily, i will just conclude today for me, with my tables:

CAL SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
*mini binge* 639kcal

CAL FOOD TOTAL 639KCAL

What can i say about that other than i am disgusted with it. Its 339kcal over what i should have had, so i will try to fix it over the next few days by reducing my cal intake so as to level it out.

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

Running slowly, 50 mins, slight resistance 380kcal

walking, 20 minutes 50kcal

TOTAL 430KCAL


Right, now onto a little note for Lily and any one else who might find this useful. There can be many reasons why you feel faint, and none of these things may be able to prevent it, even if you do try them, but its worth a shot. What we are doing is not normal, and the body's response may be to shut down for a second, but i will try to help you prevent this from happening if possible.

I trawled the internet to find reasons for fainting and what foods to prevent it. If you are feeling weak, it may suggest a low amount of iron in your blood which means that you are getting a lack of oxygen to the brain. This can lead to feeling weak, tired, and headaches, to list a few.

Here are a few foods which can help increase your iron levels (items with asterisks next to them cant be eaten by vegetarians):

Eggs - especially the yolk

Oily fish e.g. tuna, sardines, pilchards, cockles and mussels*

Kidney, liver, heart *

Lamb, game, beef *

Black pudding, corned beef, faggots *

Oxo, Bovril

Wholemeal bread and flour

Iron-fortified cereals - Bran, Branflakes, Weetabix

Beans and pulses e.g. lentils, chick peas, haricot, kidney, pinto, baked, butter, peas

Nuts - almonds, cashews, Brazils, walnuts

Dried fruit - apricots, figs, dates

Green vegetables - watercress, spinach

If you prefer the easy route, you can take iron pills. For fainting, some people suggest salt pills but given that ana and mia's potassuim levels are always a but wavery, its not recommended. Also, it could be due to a potassuim low, or a dip in your blood sugar the easiest soloution?:

One small banana - 90kcal


sorts out both problems in one fruit!

I hope this helps you Lily, let me know.

Must go know, time to sleep!

*X*!* Poppy *!*X*

NO LONGER TETHERED, HEIGHTENED AND FEATHERED, I WANT TO FLY! (Sorry - random!)

Today has been a better day people!! I have begun disincluding my exercise calories from my food calories, and guess what??


......................................

I still managed to stay under 300kcal!

It was hard and i have had to tackle more obstacles than usua; today, but i did it! I know its only a mole hill on the journey of climbing a mountain, but i still feel proud of todays achievement!

Today was a relatively simple day. I knew i would be at work for most of it so would have no problems with distraction or 'fitting things in'. I also knew i would do one gym session later in the day - there was no option of anything else because there were no aerobics classes today and it was too late to go to the pool. This was, in retrospect, the best day, then, to start the new number crunching system.

Getting up at 7.30am (yep! ouch!) was just yucky, because i had only had 4 hours sleep the night before, and very little energy. I was planning on walking to work and wanted enough time so that i got there early for my job review. My mum came into my room and by the time we had talked it was late and she gave me a lift to work.

The talk i had with mum was nothing significant, i cant even remember what it was about. But my mind kept drifting over to the spot where, a night ago, i had pulled back my sheets to reveal a gap between my bed and the wall, and discovered all my binge food wrappers had been cleared away. Not only that, but my negative calorie foods book i bought was lying on my sheets! I keep feeling as though she is storing it all up like a human vesuvius and one of these days the scales of deduction will tip, she will figure out whats going on with me and blow her top! But in many ways i think she subtly knows but i reserving comment and standing back to see how bad it gets.

So, i go to work and have a crap time at it. My boss chats on the phone while i clean the freezers, she then turns to me and says 'hurry up! You're taking forever!'. The cheek! Anyway, enough of that. Work was work and thats the end of it.

The only other thing i will mention about it is that this was where i first encountered food probs. My boss bought a pack of cheese straws and said you better have some otherwise i'll eat them all. It was more an order than a question. I knew if she deliberately saw me take none she would ask why and her big mouth would not be able to let go of it (sorry - im bitter about her atm if you havent guessed! lol). She turned her back for 5 minutes and i made sure to avoid them in that time. When she turned back and asked if i'd had any, i said i'd had two. Thus she did not bother me.

For lunch i ate nothing and sat on the wall outside. That is how i overcame my first hurdle! Yay!

God! I ought to break this blog up into chapters its so long! lol.

After work i declined a lift up to the gym and walked there. More exercise i thought! Up there it was dead and i was the only one in there - heaven! I even streached myself to a fast run for a few minutes on the treadmill but slowed down after that and took it at intervals.

My outlook towards tea this evening had been bright, as there was some uncertainty about when they were going to have it, and given the lateness of my return i had hoped to avoi eating it, and sup on half a soup. Unfortunately not the case...

On my way back i phoned to annouce my return (!) and was told that there was too much beef so to eat with the rest of the family would be preferable. I didnt huff my disappointment down the end of the phone and just agreed. You may be wondering why i agreed so easily? It was because the tea was a weight watchers recipe consisting of 3/4 carrots and peppers, some beef strips and a little splash of soy sauce. It added up to just over 200kcal - not as threatening as if i had come home to cooking pizzas or anything!

For tea i enjoyed a small controlled portion of the sesame beef (as its called), and refrained from the rice as always! It was quite enjoyable though i always worry that things that taste stronger have more calories in them. I get the immense urge to spit them out and the beef was quite strong i was sure it was loaded. So i looked at the packet and it was not.

Then came pudding. This was the surprise that jumped unexpectedly out at me. My parents had bought a apple and blackberry pie! nooo! I was asked if i wanted a piece and immediately imagined the soft pastry melting into the sugary apples. I dithered between want and restraint. Instead i settled with 'im not sure. perhaps i could have a plate and will decide in a bit'. When i relocated back to my seat in the garden where the pie had been dished out, a plate with a quarter slice of pie had been pushed in front of my seat.

I sat there looking at it and when asked if i wanted it i said 'nah. actually im ok. i dont like this pie that much, its too crunchy'. God - it was painful to watch my family eat theirs and have my own steaming away in front of me. Eventually i was relieved of the burden of having to state at it, as my mum and sister shared it out. Tea was finally over!

Now ive been on here for a few hours and also have some eventful news about this site which i want you to spread high and low:

!!NEW TO THE SITE!!

Instant messaging forum - The Shoutbox!

It means you can talk to anyone else INSTANTLY on there at the time and share tips and motivation on how to over come difficulties you may be facing.

Please give it a try and get the conversation rolling!

So, its pretty much just time for the round up kids! Here goes (remember its now in a new cal / exersize format):

CAL SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
small port. of ww sesame beef 220kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

CAL FOOD TOTAL 220KCAL

EXERCISE CAL BURNED

1hr in the gym, hard workout 520kcal

walk from work 50kcal

CAL EXERCISE TOTAL 570KCAL

Right, just time to wrap up now! Running at 10am tomorrow! Me running - its almost an impossible thought and yet im going to do it! lol. Crazy!

ThAtS aLl FoLkS!

x + pOpPy - x

Today was frustrating, but tomorrow is another day! I will suceed!! I must...

*Sigh*


Well...im in a slighly procrastinating mood today. It seems i have developed a pattern of one day with a mini binge (around 500kcal) and following it with a day of very little.

I am really unhappy about this as it means that i am not showing strength of will against the bad foods that i will eventually give up. Its really infuriating!

Also im going to start to get into the habit of keeping my food calories seperate from my exercise calories. the problem is i tend to take liberties with food when i know that i have extra exercise calories to play with. If i dont deduct my exercise from food, it may mean i get a stronger grip on my food eating habits.

This starts tomorrow, which should be a good day for it. I am at work from 9am and,as we have stock-take, will be there till 7.30pm. After that i will go to the gym and thus by the time i get home it will be 9pm and too late to have tea. Although i suspect they will still get me to have some.

Anyway, so if your following, in the pattern i mentioned above, today happens to be 'mini binge' day. I will admit that i dont binge like i used to when i was being sick all the time. I only make myself if i can really feel it in my throat, otherwise i exercise it off.

Unfortunately, i had gone to sleep really late the night before so i wasnt able to make an aerobics class i had been considering going to. In fact, i didnt get up until around 1pm. However, this was not a huge problem as it meant i had missed those crunching stomach pains as you have to go through breakfast and lunch with nothing.

I sprinkled some rice cracker on a plate and told my sister when she came down i had had lunch already. I was really annoyed there were no other classes on at the leisure centre that i could go to throughout the day, but i had missed my chance earlier on.

The afternoon went on and my sister had an idea we could spend some quality TV watching time together. So it passed quickly without exercise and by the time my mum got home i was antsy to get going.

I rode up to the gym and exercised for an hour before cycling back. I also signed myself up for boxercise classes when they start! Yay! another class, time goes alot quicker in classes!

Back home i was starving and when i put my soup in to cook, i found my fingers itching their way around the kitchen. Cue the 'mini binge'. This is where the bulimic side of me comes in. If you read personality traits about bulimics, it is said that they are more spontaneous and do things in extremes. When i was in the kitchen i felt my bulimic switch click on. I ate a small weight watchers cake and then i thought 'well now ive started i might as well carry on a bit!'. I ate a cake bar and 2 lollies as well. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. I wish i could bottle up my feelings now of how i feel about my binge then uncork them when i feel like eating crap foods.

I had my soup with my sister watching. Afterwards i couldnt stand the idea of all that food and wanted to find some way to get rid of it. It was 10.30pm so it would be too late to go anywhere. My parents were still out for a bit. So i crept upstairs and got my skipping rope. Out in the garden i exercised and burned off a few extra calories, although i was interupted early on so didnt get very far. I also threw up a bit at the end of the garden.

So now im looking forward to tomorrow when i can work off this and punish myself for eating so rubbishly today.

calories:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 a soup 166kcal

Snack
'mini binge' 700kcal


EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1hr gym workout 450kcal

bike ride to and from gym 10 minutes each way 110kcal

skipping, slow 50kcal

TOTAL 266kcal

*From now on i will do two totals for my cals. One for exercise and one for food, but i will not deduct exercise cals from food because it just hinders me and encourages me to eat more*

So...im a little angry at myself for today, but i refuse to lose sight of the big picture and will battle through and counterbalance today with tomorrow. Hope you are all doing ok and are losing weight.

Must go now and snooze! Long day tomorrow!

x Poppy x

FIGHT THE FLAB, BRING ON THE BONE!

Oh dear! I'm afraid ive slipped a little in my blog, and i couldnt believe it when i saw that i might not get time to whizz on here and say hi! Its just a must!


So yesterday was a bit of a trainwreck. I was the orchestrator watching as my train of eating got bigger and bigger heading to disaster uncontrollable area. I was in control, yet when my food train had crashed i still was upset that it had happened!

It wasnt like i binged the entire candy shop, but i had almost too much and it almost ended with me going onver my calorie allowance - WITH excersise added and everything!!

I think it was because i began the day badly by getting out of sync with my schedule. I slept in and didnt manage to go swimming which i really wanted to do. As the afternoon went on, the hunger pang prayed on me and me, weak me, gave in. I had a mini binge. I hadnt eaten up until that point.

Luckily, i had planned to go to a hard aerobics work out that evening so i knew it would rid me of some of the calories. Also i had done biking and walking (although no longer than 30 minutes each). Tea also softened the blow as i could stick to my plan of tuna and salad.

cals for weds:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
nothing 0kcal

Lunch
nothing 0kcal

Tea
salad with tuna weight watchers tin 87kcal

Snacks
*binge* 797kcal

exercise for weds:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

hard cardio aerobics class 1hr 500kcal

mixed walking/cycling 100kcal

TOTAL 284KCAL

So...as yesterday kinda sucked, i had to make up for it today.

Today i woke promptly at 8am, determined to make up for yesterday. I cycled over to another aerobics class and signed on to a half a year membership with the leisure centre.

Back at home i managed to mull 40minutes over 2 rice crackers with extra-light dairylea spread - my lunch. It felt good that i had taken that long. After constantly trying to persuade my sister to go on a bike ride, we ended up taking a short one just into the town. We had a drink and i was very careful to order the diet coke rather than lime and soda as i normally do. The calories in the lime cordial would have been alot more! Hidden calories always something to look out for!

Back home, i had arranged to go out with friends at 8pm so just wished that the time would come before my family had thought about tea. Unfortunately they did and i sat down to a half bowl of tomato soup. At least that would be the worst!

I was then driven down to the pub, to my disappointment as i thought i might be able to burn more calories. Talking to my friends was ok however i felt so dislocated from their chat. Eventually when i did leave with a friend who was walking back, i told her and she said that she thought she was having a struggle with depression. She got upset and we hugged. At least she didnt try to comfort me - that i would have hated!

Then i walked the rest of the way home. Finally! A good day! Even though i could have done more exercise, my cals were good!

Cals for Thurs:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
2 rice crackers with extra light dairylea 51kcal

Tea
1/2 a covent garden soup 155kcal

Snack
nothing 0kcal

exercise for Thurs:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

circuit-stlye aerobics 1hr workout 400kcal

mixed walking/cycling 100kcal

TOTAL -294KCAL

Right, well im sorry but ive got to dash. One of these days i will get on here early enough to write a proper long blog when im not half asleep, writing in a rush and a daze!

Thanks for your support and keep visiting!

x * Poppy * x

Sleep and tomorrow is another day...

Heya...


Sorry to be such a bore but have taken sleepy pills to get me off to sleep and feel too tired to write my blog. I will post it later tomorrow.

Thanks for understanding, Poppy xx

The day has moved like a snail, but i've been making progress that's not at all sluggish!

'Another good day, another saved dollar, another inch gone, another bit hollower.'


Today has been a slow day without much interesting news to report. I must confess that i weighed myself yesterday and have done so today and i am already only 2lbs off my pre-holiday weight! yipee!

I love the first few days where the weight just slips off, but i know it will get harder as the days go on. Back to losing 2lbs again! lol.

Back to today... heres a list in order of all my uninteresting pieces of news and comings-and-goings for today:

1st news) MUSCLE CRAMPS CAUSE GIRL TROUBLE ON LOO

Yes...its true! That workout was uber tough last night, and i can certainly tell it this morning. I woke up to achy legs and hips, i couldnt squat without horrible pain. So when i was at work i had to sit really quickly on the seat so it didnt hurt too much. I cursed my boss when she made me do the floor sweeping with the hand brush!

- I woke up as per usual and forced myself out of bed. As my planned lunch was 5 olives I had to be downstairs a little earlier. I first dabbed all the excess oil away with paper towel, then washed them of all the grease, then put them on another towel to dry. I was then satisfied that i got 99.9% of the oil out.

2nd news) WOMAN SHOWS WEAKNESS AS SHE BOWS OUT FROM SECOND EXERCISE OF THE DAY

The first exercise was my walk to work in the morning which was always a guaranteed. The 40 minute walk burns off around 100kcals. However, i had also planned to visit the gym later after work. However, after a long day with achy feet and sore hammies, I was feeling a bit rough. However i was still going to go until my boss gave me some free frozen food to take home for the family. As i couldnt let it defrost in my bag, i had to get a lift home. And thus my exercise plan was pulled out fo whack. By the time tea had gone it was too late to go. I wish i had but knowing i will do some tomorrow comforts me.

3rd news) GIRL MANAGES NARROW ESCAPE FROM AN AVALANCHE...OF FOOD!

Oh yes! The dreaded teatime! On my planner i had arranged to eat 1/2 my soup today (which would have been 155kcal), however when arriving home my mum had already cooked tea. My heart gave a jolt when she told me she had made tea. I knew the recipe she was making was low fat however i was still not sure of the calorific values.

I sidled into the kitchen and slyly phrased some of my questions so i found out what ingredients were actually in it. To my relief i found no banned or terribly dreaded substances like cheese in it (it only contained chicken, onions, tomato ketchup and soy sauce). After fumbling around for the recipe i was mortified to find no cals on it. So i searched the internet and can finally put my mind at rest knowing that the coke chicken was only 150kcal. phew!

There are two counts today in which i could have 'slid down in the abyss' of food. One was at work, i managed to avoid all tasters. My resolution slightly tipped in the afternoon as i put a piece of shortbread in my mouth but i was soon to come to my senses and spit it out! The second time was at tea. I proudly left my rice in a little pile on my plate and didnt eat it. I was off alot of carbs before the holiday, so i had to get back on track. I also refused pudding.
Lastly and probably should be the news at the BOTTOM:

I took some more laxitives today to clear my bowel before i weighed myself. I have been so afraid of starting on the ducolax again after i had a bad experience with them. The last time i took them i had excruciating stomach pains and woke up with my body lying at a strange angle, i realised i must've blacked out. So now i just take the stimulatory suppository ones. It works, but not if you want to get rid of cals...

Heres some info on laxitives i found which might prove useful i helping you make up your mind for or against them:

I cannot find the site now, but read in depth about a study in which both bulimics (predominant in laxitives) and non-bulimics had to eat a large amount of food in a short period of time. This amount was around 3000kcal. Then the bulimics were asked to use the laxitive they usually use. Both samples from the non-bulimic group and the bulimic group were analysed. It was found that if taken at high doses, the laxitives only relieved the bulimics to the maxuimum of 100kcal.

No other new news to report so it just leaves me to sum up for the day...

calories:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
5 olives 20kcal

Tea
v small portion of coke chicken with 3 small pieces of broccoli 165kcal

Snack
1 piece of gum 5kcal

Exercise:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

40 minute walk to work, brisk 100kcal

TOTAL 90KCAL

Mini halloooos from me! :

Thanks for the encouraging message ty! I am really feeling positive this week, i just hope i can keep up my PMA! lol.

Keep thin,

Poppy *@-,-'--

Yipidee Doo! I'm back and i won't be beaten! PMA - positive mental attitude equals sucess!

HEYLOO!!


My God - it is good to be back! Im feelin all ready for action and have reli missed this site. Or maybe thats not the right phrasing....

Anyways - Who cares?! Im back and today was my first day of launching back into action. Cue scary music!

I am trying out a new method of working my regime and today was launch day. It seems to have got off to a really good start, apart from a few minor spanners in the works!

This was my PLAN for today as i typed it up (also includes notes i wrote on my plan of action for this month):
THE FIRST MONTH: 'THE ROOKIE'


• Do not go over 300kcal on a normal day...


• Exceptions to the amount of 500kcal can be made for special days including birthdays and Christmas


• Do at least one exercise a day. The following are exercises that you must do sometime during the next 4 weeks:


Gym, swimming, circuit training, cycling, walking, aerobics, running*


• No foods for the month are: butter (in its primary form), bread, chocolate*

* Both running and chocolate are optional given that they are another level up. They will, however, be added on the next months list of exercise and no-no foods, so the later weeks are a chance to cut down and get ahead of yourself.
.......................................................

WEEK ONE : 'THE TRYOUT WEEK':
Goal: to lose holiday weight (namely 6lbs!)


Calories to consume: 300kcal max a day (max of 2100kcal over the week)


Exercise to perform: One hour of exercise every day


Leverage: One day without exercise or one day with an additional 200kcal


.......................................................
Monday


9am-10am ... Get Up


10am-11am ... Breakfast: None


12am-1pm ... Walk into town and pick up groceries (long route back CAL260-)


1pm-2pm ... Lunch: Light salad with tomato and cucumber CAL20+


2pm-3pm ... *Lunch allowed until 2.30pm. Do ironing from pile


3pm-4pm ... Finish ironing and clean bathroom. Find extra jobs if have time.


4pm-5pm ... Go on computer and work on my website


5pm-6pm ... ...


6pm-7pm ... Tea: ½ a Covent Garden soup CAL155+


7pm-8pm ... Do an hour?s high burn circuit training or medium burn gym CAL-500-620


8pm-9pm ... DANGER HOURS! Arrange to meet up with friend for 2 hrs


9pm-10pm ... With friend until 11pm max. Home


To be filled out by you at the end of each day:

Tick the box if you have followed the stated meal above. If you have not eaten that meal, then just put a cross through the box.

Breakfast:


If something other than stated was consumed, state here: ....................................


Lunch:


If something other than stated was consumed, state here: ....................................


Tea:


If something other than stated was consumed, state here: ....................................


Snacks:


If something other than stated was consumed, state here: ....................................


Exercise: 1 2 3


If other exercise than stated was partaken, state here: ....................................


TOTAL CALORIES CONSUMED: .........KCAL


TOTAL CALORIES BURNED: .........KCAL


TOTAL CALS FOR MONDAY ONCE ALL EXERCISE ACCOUNTED FOR:


.........KCAL


...So, thats my new way of doing things. I have already typed up this week. Im trying to fit as much in as possible then im at least bound to manage at least one of those things that day. The plans are quite idealistic - it what i would like to do in the day, if i manage 3/4 that would suit me.

This morning started off well, i steered clear of the kitchen and simply focused on getting out of the house. I enjoy food shopping, although at the same time im kind of scared of it. I had decided to pick up my own groceries so that i could decide what i wanted and take the time to look at the calorie and fat content. I left my sister in bed, probably in shock at me getting up before lunchtime!! lol.

I walked into the supermarket first and was quite content to steer clear of the bad foods. I was too engrossed in finding the nicest looking foods and reading through an entire shelf load of crackers just to find if there were any lower in cals than my current ones (which i didnt find!).

As i was walking around the soup section, a friend of my mums and of mine came up. We chatted and i kept wondering whether she suspected anything. She has seen me in the leisure centre loads and when i saw her she said 'Thats a very healthy looking basket you've got there!'. She is a 'recovered' anorexic so i was worried about how much she'd twig. But then she commented on my weight, saying i looked slimmer. I fended off the comments and said i'd put alot back on after the holiday.

She then said she'd seen these weight watchers meals that looked really tasty and we looked at them. She was waiting for an opinion. I went along with the 'mmm! doesnt that look tasty!''s. But i was struck by my reaction to the food - it is clear that i am in a deep food-orientated calorie-driven state of mind. My eyes immediately flicked over the high fat looking packaging in a thick red cover and deep dish. Then onto the calories - it was almost 400kcal!! omg! There was no way i was going to get one - it was 100kcal over my daily allowance! Luckily she got distracted by another friend and i managed to get away to finish my shopping.

By the time i left the supermarket i was loathed to have to go home, rather than take the long walk around our park back home. It would have burnt extra calories and it had been a nice day. But my mobile was back home and my sister worries easily, so i turned away from the town.

Back home, i handed the awaited chocolate bar into my sisters lap and stashed my own in my room. I took pleasure in re-orgainising the entire fridge, and although i wasnt completely satisfied with the arrangement (i had to share my food shelf with the cheese and ham), it wasnt too bad.

Then straight onto lunch. I made pasta for my sister and enjoyed being in the kitchen with the freedom to add (or not add) what i wanted. Before doing my salad i washed my hands and rechecked the calories of the new balsamic vinegar i had bought. I finished the tea and resisted with all my will picking at the cheese i had grated for my sister's pasta. I was quite proud i hadnt given in. Its all calories!

During lunch i suggested as it was 'a nice day' that we go out for a walk around cowdray. I was determined to get my walk in somehow. We agreed, but the afternoon slipped on and before i knew it i was staring at a clock that had to be somehow wrong! But it wasnt - i had no time for the walk now.

To make my torment even worse, i had 5 squares of chocolate. I had managed to c&s the first three pieces, but sucummed to the rest. It felt awful that that many calories had suddenly plonked itself on your thighs and there was virtually nothing you could do about it. Well, almost nothing...

I spent an hour at the ironing i had promised i'd do before mum came home. At least now the promise if exercise loomed and i got ready to do my first circuit training session with my step dad. For those of you who dont know what that is, its where you go round the hall doing different exercises for about 30seconds before going onto the next. Such exercises can be squats, shuttle runs, weight lifting, trampoline and steps.

I will tell you now - ITS BLOODY HARD WORK! i was really knackered afterwards and still cant hold a squat pose for very long now! But i can certainly believe i lost those 600kcals! lol. Despite cursing it at the time, i enjoyed it and plan on going next week!

Before i had gone to circuits, i had sat in my room brainstorming what i was going to do about calories. If i had followed through with all of my original plan, the result would have been -680. So i had tried to see what i needed to do to get to that same point. I set a backup plan that if i felt ok enough after circuits, i would do an hour in the gym afterwards. As it was though, i felt knackered! I decided that at least i was still in minus calories!

When i got home, i told my step dad that i always hated eating after exercise and would probably have a late tea. With the smell of teatime looming, I dived in the bath and hid in the bathroom until the others had finished theirs. We had planned to make our own today so i hadnt let food go cold and wasted. I sat in my room and read, went on my computer and by the time i looked up it was 9pm and no one had come in about my tea. Yes! At least i could balance it out a little by not having tea. It wouldnt compltely counter the chocolate from earlier, but it would soften the blow.

So now im writing this, praying those 6lbs (6LBS! IN 8 DAYS! it almost seems like it should have been impossible for me to do that!) are sliding neatly off my body and melting away. They are getting nothing but brute force from me! lol.

Here's my brute force in action:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Light house salad 20kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
5 squares of choc 250kcal
EXERCISE CALORIES BURNED

short walk 20 mins in and out of town 50kcal

high burn 1 hour circuit training 620kcal

TOTAL -400KCAL

I hope you are all doing really well. Thanks for the message lily - i knew i had to get straight on here as soon as i saw your message! lol.

Right, well i must go now because i have work tomorrow. This could equal great opportunity to eat very little, or a downfall into nibbles! Lets hope its the former.

Night night for now

Toodle Pip!

xx * Poppy * xx

TEMPORARILY OUT OF THE OFFICE!

IM ON HOLIDAY AT THE MOMENT

FROM FRIDAY 11TH JULY TO SUNDAY 20TH JULY.

and as a result unfortunately cannot access the internet for at least a week.

mY LaSt BlOg Is WrItTeN bElOw...

IM SORRY FOR THE INCONVIENIENCE BUT MY INBOX IS STILL OPEN AND GO WILD! - THIS SITE IS MADE FOR YOU TO USE!

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP -

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP...

A slightly boring Adios before my hols but i'll be back soon with zest!

Hey you guys. Im really tired today so im gonna get on and wrap this up quick.


Operation bones-not-bulge is complete. I managed an hours exercise in the morning and thought the plan would be thwarted when not one, but three of my mums friends came in and chatted to me. Luckily it was ok, and i managed to get in another hour at the end of the day.

Not to mention all the walking around i have done today, shopping and cleaning. I have bought more clothes for th hol and am now deffinitely a smaller size.

Havent eaten anything today apart from the half of a chicken sandwich mum forced on me. DAMN!

Now i mustn't stay up too late because i have to get up early tomorrow morning as im going on holiday for a week and we are leaving early for the plane! Wish me luck!

I must dash, please keep sending me your messages and i will answer them when i return.

Thanks for the support,

Poppy xxx

Say no to food! Stage one of operation bones-not-bulge complete!

So, this is a kind of 'in conclusion' to my blog that i wrote earlier on today.


TO SEE THE MAIN BLOG COVERING TODAY AND YESTERDAY,

SEE BELOW!

The main news is that i reached my goals today which were to eat only my soup for the rest of the day, and to burn 500kcals in an hour at the gym.

I pushed myself again today. Now, when im lying down on the mat and no one is looking, i suck in my stomach and press my hand to the end of my ribs. I love it because now i can feel the way my rib cage is drawn to the centre. It like some strange pleasure to count your bones and finger each one of them. It seems something to be proud of.

My stomach is no way near concave though so i have a long way to go! lol.

Tomorrow i have made a plan to be busy and go to the gym twice for 1 hour each OR once for two hours - havent decided yet!

Wish me luck! Once tomorrow is over, i will post the three days worth of cals up here so you can see. But at the moment its project in motion as im determined to reverse any effects all that food had on Tuesday. I WILL NOT BE FAT! I just wont allow it! lol.

Speak soon guys and please keep visiting,

Poppy @-,-'--

THE BIG ONE - AND I'M NO LONGER TALKING QUALITY STREETS (Damn them!)

I have done so badly yesterday that i couldnt bring myself to come on here and say it. I feel so crap and even today i havent done much better. The only way to console myself has been to make a plan to reverse my binge by uping my exercise to cancel out the last 2 days calories (inc today).


Yesterday was a mess and i am so angry with myself i just feel like ripping myself up and stamping on my stomach. Why?! It seems to stupid to do it. But i have been beaten again and again by these kind of episodes. Every time i used to binge i gave up and just began binging again. This time i wont let it happen. I will pick myself up and carry on.

Yesterday i did really well and didnt eat, then when lunch came it was raining. Im going to blame all this on the rain! This meant i couldnt go outside, so i had to stay inside with my boss craning over me. I went across the road and bought food because then at least i could russtle the bags and make it sound convincing. I had an alibi incase she asked. Luckily the russtling was enough and i passed the day fine.

In the evening i said i wasnt hungry and sat at the table without eating anything. Mum was fine with it. It was only until late evening that things started to get bad. My sister came around offering me quality streets and i gave in and took some. At first they sat on the side untouched but then i gobbled all them down. Soon after everyone had gone to bed, i remembered the food in my bag. My mind switched off and i just stuffed it all down in hunger. I heard my mum and sister on the landing and realised i had no where to throw up. I searched around my room and found nothing. In the end i had to sucumb to the sound of my triumphant stomach as it squealed in defeat at the fact that i had given in and it had food.

I was so upset with myself that i could get to sleep for ages and kept coming up with plans to get rid of it. I decided i better quickly weigh myself before the calories and food adds the pounds back on. I stepped on the scales:

Pounds gained or lost:

lost 2lb

Im so annoyed about this. The two pounds i have lost came off really early on in the week and after that i just havent moved. Im sitting right on the end of a stone (as in im -st and 0lbs). I just need to get down one more. I mean do you think its my poor control over food this week that has been the result of this small weight loss? Or am i not doing enough? Please let me know - i have been making such crap losses for two weeks mow and want to speed it up! Help me!

So, today i got up, conviced i was going to make amends for all the damages yesterday. And what do i do? In the first 15 minutes of being awake i have eaten more quality streets! If i wasnt going on holiday on friday, i would hurt myself so bad right now.

I havent eaten anything else today, but i will have to eat tea because i didnt yesterday and if i dont my mum will become susicious.

I just feel so big and fat. I feel as though my fingers cant just quite touch and stay on my current weight loss, and im going to go pinging back to my original weight and it will all go back on. Im so terribly scared. I dont want to be fat - its enough to make me cry.

My plan can only be for one day because im going on hols on friday. That will mean parents will be around all day and will be able to tell if i havent eaten. Here it is:

THURSDAY PLAN

RULE ONE: Nothing will pass my lips but water and coke

RULE TWO: exercise for at least two hours - burn cals till you go blue

RULE THREE: stick to these rules. If you dont, you WILL be fat!

There we go! Thats my plan! Its short, and to the point. Its a day detox, then im jetting off to spain around 5-ishpm.

If the plan goes how i want it to, this is what should happen calorie-wise:

all the calories for the last 3 days (including exercise) - 1325kcal

this is the amount of calories i should be burning off today and tomorrow at the gym - 1500kcal

take the exercise burnt cals from the food cals - -175kcal

divide the total between the three days - -58kcal.

This means if i do the plan right, the average for the three days can be worked out as -58kcals for all three. Which means not only have i reduced my calories past my limit (300kcal) but i have cancelled it out!

Right, my mum is home. Will be back later.

Poppy xxx ...

work hard, get thin - still fat? go to the gym...

Hi, this is only going to be a quick call today because im really quite tired and have work again tomorrow.


I got up at 10.30am, giving myself an hour before i had to do the 40 minute march to work.

I got to work for 12 midday and proceeded to checkout the shop for danger zones. And whatdaya know - they have the fruit and nut on sample. Damn!

However, in managing to avoid the fruit and nut for the next few hours i ended up eating 3 pieces of liquorice. Later in the day i sneaked a piece of fruit and nut in my mouth. However i instantly realised what i was doing and spat it out into a tissue.

Overall i ate only the liquorice and a piece of gum all the way through the afternoon. I walked the 40 minutes back home (more exercise - yay!) then got ready to go to the gym.

I was really pleased with my effort and i stayed there for an hour. I pushed my level up one on the bike. On the treadmill i put it on a 3 gradient and had to walk so fast (i set it to a point just before you would have to run) i thought my feet would fly off!

When i came back home i had the settled feeling of knowing i was having soup. Only 83kcals for a covent garden one! It wasnt as nice as the others though. I had to sit at the table with my parents eating thick fish finger sandwiches. I LOVE fish finger sandwiches and in the half year of uni just gone it was virtually all i ate (and purged).

Now im upstairs and wanting to go to sleep. Can't wait till wednesday cos im not working! lol.

Heres my cals for the day:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 a soup 83kcal

Snack
1 piece of gum 5kcal
3 pieces of liquorice 150kcal
1 diet coke and a bottle of water 0kcal

total 238kcal

exercise today --

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

walk to work - 40 mins 100kcal

walk from work - 40 mins 100kcal

1 hour hard workout in gym 500kcal

total -462kcal

I would be having a mini party in my head right now about the cals if i wasnt so tired. So i will leave you for now and hopefully come back tomorrow with a more impressive and awake blog! lol.

Poppy xxx

NO NO NO NO NO!!! Boo Hoo! Panic! I hate myself!

I really am at a loss for words now. Im just inexplicably angry, pissed off, upset and panicky!
AAAARRRRGHHHHHH!

Half of the day i remember starving. For some reason the pain just hurt more today. But i refrained and stayed away. The afternoon came and i still didnt put anything to my lips.

Then in the afternoon my sister had been out shopping and brought me back TWO chocolate bars. I was just so hungry that in a blind moment of glutonous want i ate both of them!! yep! piggy porker me stuffed BOTH OF THEM!!

After that point i just seemed to be on a binge. I ate 4 shortbread biscuits, 10 water biscuits with butter, and a custard cream! I am so ashamed of myself and especially having to tell you all this makes me feel really embarrased and like ive let you down. You must all be doing so well and ive been the food equivalent of a train wreck today!

Before i knew it tea was upon me and i was sat down to a plate of sausages, mash and even bread. I ate, still in binge mode. I knew that i was just emotionally shovelling food. After i finished my plate, i lay my head down on the table and hid my face in my hands.

I felt horribly sick. It was the kind of sick that you knew you couldnt do anything about but it was still there aching painfully in your belly. I asked mum if i could leave the table and she said no. I had to sit there, i really felt like crying.

My sister kept on poking me telling me to get up. Eventually after a particular prod on the head, i got up and stormed up out of the kitchen up to my room. I curled up and hated myself. I still do, i loathe myself.

My mum came up and was actually really nice to me. She said she understood and asked if i was ok. I was candidly honest with her and said i just felt really sick and it was horrible. She said that at tea in future i could just have a piece of fruit if i wanted as long as i ate with them. She said, as long as your eating and not lying to me.

I was thrilled she would let me do that, and could just picture each of my days existing on a single apple and few pieces of gum. Simple. I know im lying but i just cant tell the truth - i dont want to. I cant. There isnt really anything to tell because im not actually underweight so its not a prob at the mo. I will have to put my faith in the fact of it being a white lie (kind of) for now - its for the greater good.

Im not putting my calories up tonight because i cant face it. I know they are abysmal and if i see them then i might as well hang myself now! I just want to curl up away from all food.

I WILL DO BETTER TOMORROW!!! ... I MUST...

Also: thanks for the message lily. I will take them in my suitcase, cos they could be anything really - anti-depressants, the pill. They will probably just think it to be bathroom cabinet stuff.

Right, im really upset now so im going to go to bed. Im at work tomorrow so that will keep me busy. please send me comments to boost my happiness as its a little depleated at the moment.

Thanks so much for your support,

): x Poppy x

If my eyebrows were made of liquorice too, i think i'd have to knock myself out!

...to stop myself from eating them!


Aahhh! Scary food!

Even though im sure the FDA werent imagining it to be used by anas and mias, but i think it illustrates how disgusting all this fattening food is. It is truly scary!

Today i have felt like a bit of a frazzled bean! I have felt tired and worn out. But the day has not dragged by so thats good.

I only had 2 hours and 30 minutes sleep before work this morning. Ive been finding it really hard to get to sleep even if im tired. I got up and was hungry from the moment i woke. It felt like i was ill - you know that slight pressure-like feeling?

I went to work and for the first 2 hours i was seriously dizzy. I had to keep saying to myself 'not now! the boss is here and she'll twig if i blackout now!' or 'its too early to start fainting - im only a fraction of the way to my goal!'. As it happened, i didnt. The morning went quite quickly and i sucessfully stayed far away from the tasters.

It stayed dry so for the lunch break (minus the lunch!) i was able to enjoy the buffeting winds and have my hair blown about a la dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards! Im glad i got away from the shop though and could sit without being nagged. I also managed to reach the halfway point in my book! yay!

After that my boss decided it wasnt busy enough to need us all there so said how would i like to go home and post some menus through doors (still paid!). I liked the idea - it meant i could get some exercise by walking and i could be back home. I got dropped off and then realised i hadnt got my keys! Luckily, disaster was quickly averted as the neighbour had a key.

I walked around the neighbourhood with my menus for an hour and when i phoned my boss it was already 3.35 so she said that there was no point me coming back today. I was happy with that - more reading!

When i got home my sister was there and decided to cook chips. She said to me 'want some?'. 'YES! YES OF COURSE! GIVE THEM TO ME IM STARVING! CHIPS CHIPS - OH YUMMY CHIPS!'. I said no thanks. However my stomach was getting to the point where i thought id have to walk around at a 90 degree angle. The only things that i could surely measure was some after dinner mints. I had 4. My sister then brought me out two more when she returned to the kitchen to get herself an ice cream - bear in mind shes a size 8! im so jealous of her.

By the time my mum and stepdad came home i really wasnt in the modd to exercise. I was having a very lethargic day today. Around 6pm i started to panic, although i have no idea why cos the tea wouldnt have been that high cal. I had had 6 mints which didnt work out too bad against me. The tea was coated chicken but it was a weight watchers recipe - only like 150kcal. But i just got wigged because i hadnt gone to the gym before.

Due to this i decided in an instant that i wouldnt be awake for tea. I put my book down, turned on my side and went to sleep. I vaguely remember my sister coming up 3 times during the next hour asking me was i eating the chicken, was i coming down, come down! I just mumbled and fell back to sleep, her steps banging back down the hall.

The next time i woke up was when i needed the loo and had no other way but to bump into my mother. She said was i ok. I just said i was really tired and sorry, but at least it meant i could be up earlier tomorrow. She didnt pester me too much.

I went back to sleep for a bit and have just woken up at 1am. I am already tired again though so will probably doze back off after this. Tomorrow i have to do lots of housework and i might be able to squeeze in the gym somewhen, as its open from 10am till 3pm.

sorry about the slowness of me putting things up on the site - maybe tomorrow i will be able to get on and add a few pages.

Here are my calories for the day:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
2 pieces of gum 10kcal

Tea
6 x after dinner mints 120kcal

Snack
2 pieces of gum 10kcal
3 x diet coke 5kcal

TOTAL 145KCAL

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

Walking (with extra ballast!) for an hour 150kcal

TOTAL -5KCAL

So im so desperate to do well this week as i only have a little while before the holiday. Im going to do a weigh-in on tuesday like normal, then i'll do another on Friday just before i go cos i dont know if they let you take scales abroad! lol.

Also i have a serious question which i would really apprieciate if someone could answer asap for me: do you think they would check and suspect something if i put my diet pills and multivits in my suitcase? Do you think they'd spot it on the x-ray and think it was illegal or something?

Right, im offskies now!

X*Poppy*X

Dizzy and Delighted at my progress today - Disappointed i didn't last longer at the gym!

Wow! Im actually back for another consecutive blog in a row! Sorry there hasnt been much of that lately...


Today has been a hotch-potch of things, like a patchwork of events. Not linking and each drifting neither brilliant nor abysmal.

I got up at 12.30 after a number of phone calls (one from mum, one from grandma) and a knock at the door for a delivery.

The delivery was for me as i had ordered some books which i am really looking forward to reading. One is on media and body image, one on our poor perceptions of ourselves and another memoir of anorexia. I am planning on creating a page where i can write reviews on each of the books and let you know what i thought and which are a better read.

After waking up i brave the wardrobe and pick up my new shorts. I was daring at the time and decided to pick up a pair one size under the size i have been wearing. It was brave because i only had a week and a half before jetting off in them and they only just did up. As i slipped them on i held my breath. They fitted! I am now officially one size down!! yay!

After walking around a bit in my new skin, i settled down to the book im reading at the moment. A slight detour from my ED reading as im reading 'The Rose of Sebastopol' set in the 1800's.

The afternoon went quick and i found that my day had not been taken up by much. Mum had phoned again and said she'd pick me up some more gym kit from shops in town because i had run out. A good sign considering this means im doing it more frequently.

Lunch was the same as i usually do - move a few pots around and put some food about the place to make it look like id eaten. Hunger had really started to kick in again by this point and i was really gagging for some food. I resisted.

When mum came home she gave me the gym clothes and i got ready to head back into town for a workout. At the gym, i headed off with a vengeance on the bike. I pushed myself and managed to get the highest amount of calories i had ever burnt in 20 minutes on it. Then i went onto the cross trainer. But when i started going i felt incredibly sick and flet slight twinges under my breast bone. I noted the symptoms but did not stop. I carried on for 15 minutes before stopping. I then decided as i was also feeling a little wobbly that i wouldnt chance the treadmill. I settled for 50 situps and tried to become satisfied with having done 40 minutes rather than the hour i had wanted to do today.

I walked up to the supermarket to pick up some essentials. My fingers tingled a little as i walked. I picked up two soups and was really happy to find out that there is a new one arrived with only 83kcals per serving! I also got some bottled water, gossip mags (to chop out things for my scrapbook) and chocolate for the family. I ended up picking a bar for myself because i had to have one handy when they said 'didnt you get one?'.

Back home i read for a bit. As i stood up to come down i had an almighty dizzy light headed moment and flopped back onto the bed. I quickly shook it off and went downstairs for tea. It was a bit awkward because my family had eaten their tea in the time i was upstairs and so when i got down my parents were watchin me. I poured myself a glass of water with lemon and cooked my half a soup adding to it two water biscuits. When i sat down, my mum said 'have you got your water biscuits'. I immediately felt like i was on the ward again and they were checking to make sure i hadnt pushed them under the table or something!

They watched me for a bit (UBER UNCOMFORTABLE when they seem t be scrutinising your eating habits). Then mum brought up a story she had seen about a girl who had hanged herself. She had had bulimia and self harmed. I dont know what mum expected me to say - 'sounds like me!'. It would have been a bit stupid to say that lol. I settled for, it doesnt surprise me. With all the ups and downs people with EDs go through, it really doesnt surprise me that someone would kill themselves over it. In fact its common, i almost did.

Mum brought that up at the table saying at least you told us. I technically did, its just i told them about it the next day!

After tea i came back up stairs and woolfed down the chocolate bar. BAD BAD BAD! that was all i have ad today now. My stomach feels as though its wringing itself like a wet flannel. ow.

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 a soup 155kcal
2 x water biscuits 46kcal

Snack
2 x glasses of pepsi max 0kcal
a del monte smoothie lolly  p some, rtd 60kcal
water 0kcal
Galaxy choc bar 250kcal

TOTAL 511KCAL

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

40 minutes at the gym, hard workout 350kcal

TOTAL 161KCAL
Tomorrow is work and at least it will keep me busy. Im hoping it will be sunny so i can sit outside and read in peace. Am also exercising tomorrow for maxuimum weight loss before the hols.

Not gonna get many hours sleep tonight now! bummer!

Happy Independance Day to all my American visitors - i hope it went well for you. Please let me know.

Night night,

Poppy xxx

A Tale of Two Days: Cookie Monster vs Ana. EDs make you feel as though you have MPD!

Hi guys.
NOTE ON TITLE:

MPD = Multiple Personality Disorder

Im sorry my site looks so crap today and that my blog from yesterday is being crammed now, but freewebs is being an absolute poo! It takes me like 5 turns to log in without being stuck on the loading page and its been messing up the layout of my pages all day - Notice the homepage? It wont let me load pics back on to it! Luckily, the site was patient enough with me to let me put a pic here!

Moving past that, today has been a good day. I havent sucumbed to a life of gluttony after yesterday's debaucle and am back on the straight and narrow! I have eaten under 300kcals today and exercised! But im getting ahead of myself! - lets focus on yesterday first!

Wednesday 2nd July:

It was a busy day for me as it was my stepdad's birthday, and i was the one who had to get everything for the birthday dinner that evening! Unfortunately as i'd left the sleeping part of the night until the next morning i was not awake when i should have been. My grandma, who came round to let the builders in, came upstairs to see if i was awake. When she woke me up i immediately looked at the clock only to see that i had 20 minutes to be on the bus to meet my mum! Many expletitives were said which my grandma said she'd 'never imagine coming out of my mouth'! oops!

Anyways i managed to catch the bus at 12.00 midday and get to the nearby city where my mum works, for 12.30. I then raced around getting the things i needed. Its surprising how much of your life an Eating Disorder gobbles up ('scuse the pun!). Nearly all the items i bought had some connotation and link in some way.

Firstly i bought a few pairs of shorts for my holiday. I sucessfully managed to squeeze into a smaller size! yay! although, only just so i need to lose a few more pounds before the hol. Clothes have an obvious conotation to my ED - i HATE clothes shopping for myself because of my size and that horrible moment you realise you cant fit into the jeans.

Then i nipped off and bought a bin. It was only a cheap one, but i desperately needed it because mum had thrown my old one away. She had obviously seen all my gooey gunge in the bottom from me spitting my food out into it. whoops - i was hoping she wouldnt see until i either bought a new one or washed it out.

I bought a book. And although it doesnt link to my ED, i was looking for one that did. I was really surprised also to find that the waterstones i went into only had one book on EDs! poor...

Lastly, i took a dive into Thorntons and bought another big box of chocolates. yup - i know - but its so additive to know you can eat them and yet not have any calories. I had planned to c&s most of them anyways.

Then i met up with my mum. Last time we did this we sat and had a drink then i went home - no food. This time it didnt play out quite the same way and i was stumped as to what to do. We met at the same place, went to the same cafe...then mum said 'fancy sharing a cheese scone with me?'. Was i going to say no? she knew i hadnt had breakfast and definitely not had lunch as yet. I would have felt so guilty if i had said no because SHE wanted it. I acted casual in the face of food suicide and said 'sure'. I paid and we sat down.

I scraped the butter on and off my half until i just had to chow down on it. It was delicious - so i hated it more. The worst nagging part of it was that i kept thinking in my head 'how many calories does a cheese scone have? dont know. how about an average scone? nope. how much cheese do you think is in here? Calories? I dont know.'

I just had to hope i wouldnt be too piggish tonight and could fit in a gym session later. We went around the supermarket quickly getting the cake and other bits for tonight. I then said bye to my mum. Sometimes i think we lie to each other equally about food - maybe like a secret unspoken deal where neither of us truly reveals what we REALLY had that day. I know mum before has admitted to a bowl of kellogs for brekkie and tomatoes for lunch then exercises nearly everyday. Shes not a tiny size though because she has binge days, just doesnt do anything about them.

After that, i took the bus home. I took a detour to get some baloons blown up with helium for the evening - it was, in a childish way, really fun. perhaps i could become a party planner?! lol

When home it was just about awaiting the evening and food, food, food. I went upstairs and, in the hour before my mum came back, i c&s on half of the thorntons chocs. I know loads of people will think its a waste, but at least i didnt swallow them. Better not swallowing and creating waste, than swallowing and getting a waist! lol. Mum came home and then we all had to stay home, so gym was out of the question - bum, no back up plan!

From then on the the rest of the day was a haze of the heavy scents of baking foods, knives scraping on empty plates and aching jaws sucking out the remnants of pie from their teeth. It wasnt like a major binge, but numbers seemed to jumble and float in front of my head and i tried to arrange them like they were an infinate rubiks cube or something. i couldnt believe what i was eating and how high cal it was.

I was able to slip away once that evening, early on before the meal. I had already eaten crisps and was angry with myself. I crept upstairs and struggled a bit. When i finally started to make progress mum called me back down. As for the rest of the evening, i wasnt able to. For the main course, i just had a very small portion which i was rather proud of having, compared to the others. Then, can you believe it, i had a piece of tart AND cake! I dont know what possessed me!

That evening i felt shitty shit shit! I finished c&s the thorntons chocolates then spent the rest of the night watching the remainder of 'Louise Redknapp on Anorexia: reaching size zero'. She basically goes on a low cal diet to get into size zero. Very good to watch! Then by the time i was going to blog you i was SERIOUSLY tired and said i'd blog today - which i am now doing, albiet a little belated!

Food (only roughly):

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
half a cheese scone 118kcal

Tea
crisps (picked at them) 170kcal
1/2 a portion of pork dijon 170kcal
3 tablespoons of rice 60kcal
veg 15kcal
1 slice of apple and pecan tart 230kcal
a small piece of cake 200kcal

Snacks
nothing 0kcal

TOTAL approx. 900KCAL

Thursday 3rd July:

So, we are now on today! Hooray! Time for action and strict detox from the disaster that was yesterday. Its quite a contrast from yesterday's 'Cookie Monster' food followed by more food debaucle.

I woke around 12.30 and hesitantly stepped onto the scales to see the damage that i inflicted last night. The dot moves across the screen....i blink - lost a pound?! that cant be right, i step on again, dot, blink - still a pound lost! Weird. But i am not getting my hopes up, i think i might have a delayed weight reaction later in the week and pile on a few pounds. I cant have just gotten away with it.

So, i decide instead of taking liberties, i wont take this seemingly lcky escape (for the time being) for granted and decide to have very little to eat today. The builders are cracking away at the new conservatory in the garden so i dont go to the kitchen - then they'd be able to see me.

I was a bit of a boring betty this afternoon and did very little. The only activity i did was ironing for half an hour. I went into the kitchen and cut off a bit of birthday cake and threw it in my bin. I figured if i told mum i had walked into town to get lunch and then had a piece of cake, it would calm her anger about me doing nothing at home and help her keep the illusion that im eating normally.

Mum phoned around 4.30 saying that she was going to the gym and did i want to come along. Did i?! it was like a rhetorical question - 'of course!'. I didnt show such anticipation though and just said good idea, i like going with you! Flatter the ego and they will ignore you, also if i had sounded too keen her suspicion would be raised! I never used to like the gym! lol.

We went and i gave myself a hard time on the treadmill, uping the gradient and walking so fast i was almost running. It paid off - it always will.

My 'rents went out for the evening to my sisters parents evening and it was just us in the house. We got tea arouond 7 and i managed to have a soup and some crackers. NO PUDDING! lol.

After that ive been attempting to get onto freewebs and do some more work to my site. But its been playing up all day! crap!

Heres my cal for today:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 tomato soup 155kcal
3 water biscuits 70kcal
Snacks
3 x pieces of gum 15kcal

TOTAL 240KCAL


EXERCISE CALS BURNED

45 minutes hard in gym 400kcal

TOTAL -160KCAL

Right. Thats pretty much everything today.

To Valorie: Thank you, that was really sweet of you to say that. I have given up so many times at the first hurdle but this time im determined it wont beat me. Wednesday was really hard and i could have so easily given up after it like i always do but im going to be strong.

Note to everyone:

Im going to be going on holiday next friday (*bitting nails :z *) so if you had any comments or things that cannot wait until after i come back then get onto it! lol. Im away for eight days and NO SCALES! - coming back on the 19th July. Im here for one more week so visit, ask questions, whatever.

Nighty night.

Poppy @'-,-'---