Hello! Long time no speak!

Heya.
I know its been ages since ive written a blog. It was a busy few days with the wedding. I would have written...but then i weighed myself. This week i have put weight on due to my appauling eating on saturday and sunday. I mean, it wasnt like i gorged, but things just got out of control.

I am feeling so ashamed of myself and desperate. Ive spent the last 2 days trying to make up for it. Today ive had nothing to eat, tomorrow im planning to try and limit my intake to a low amount as well. The fasting had to be scrapped due to inviatations to tea round peoples houses - i mean, i apprieciate that people care when my mum and stepdad are away, but i really didnt need that that weekend!

Sunday was just so strange a day for me, due to the fact that it was the day after the wedding. That was the worst day for me. But i must lose the excess weight ive gained by next week. This month really isnt going to be much progression on the weight front, just alot of ups and downs i think.

Im afraid this is only a quick hello, but i'll write a much longer blog tomorrow. Im really tired and have things to do. I REALLY hope you are all good, and thanks for the really lovely comments about the wedding - yes, i did enjoy it alot. Everyone (and i mean that!) said i looked really good and had lost alot of weight! Whohoo!

I will write again soon,

Poppy xx

Absent from the blog, but still with you all in support and spirit! love poppy xx

Heya.

Im sorry to report that, not only will i not be writing a blog for today, but i wont be writing one for tomorrow as well.
This is due to the fact that its friday night and its my mums wedding tomorrow! Im knackered from lack of sleep and need to be alert tomorrow! Im staying in the hotel on saturday night and cant take my laptop hence the no blog!

So the next i will write is Sunday...if im not swamped by relatives still!

But i will tell you that today was unexpectedly good -

CALORIES CONSUMED FOOD - 0KCALS

CALORIES BURNT EXERCISE - 1000KCAL (min)

Speak soon - wish me luck!

x Poppy x

Imagine me angry at myself then quadruple it! God i'm so mad at me!

Gah! I'm so mad at myself...again! This week seems to have turned into another of those weeks where i have one good day followed by a bad day, and each day weighs out the other.


As you have probably realised, this blog is very late in the day for me. In the UK at the moment it is 6.30am. I have stayed up all night distracting myself, so that there would be no chance of me missing the double exercise classes this morning. Usually i sleep in, and am in such a drowsy state, that any cal concious part of me isnt awake enough to protest against my lack of drive to get up to go to the class! I have taken some caffiene pills to stay awake and just have to make it through the next few hours.

I was going to go running at 5am as well, but i didnt realise how dark its got now its turning winter. Also some of our area is a little dodgy to be running around when its dark! So im hoping, after the spin and body conditioning class, i will tell mum that i will do 30 mins on the treadmill then walk home. Then instead of walking i will run and, if i felt brave enough, could do a circuit or two round the houses. But lets not get ahead of ourselves - one class at a time...

So, i really ought to back track to the days events to explain why its entirely necessary for me to stay up and do all this exercise. Well, apart from being fat and needing to get it of, food wise has been catastrophic today. But not in the same way it was on Tuesday..not quite anyway.

When i got up, it was already getting into the afternoon. My mum and stepdad had gone out to meet someone for lunch so i had the house to myself for a very short time. I decided i would start the day off on a good foot and weigh myself, given that i usually drop 1/2 a pound between the evening and the next morning. I needed the incentive especially given the fact that my stomach was aching badly.

I couldnt believe it! NO! I hadnt swayed at all from what i weighed myself on tuesday! i was mortified given how hard i tried on wednesday! In a flurry of disappointment and stomach pangs, i went to the freezer and ate my way through all the magnums. The worst bit was i didnt purge it all. I started then sat there in a heap of misery at my swift defeat - the day now looked so much crappier!

As it got to 1pm, my sister returned early from college as she had a shorter day. My grandma, who drove her back, came in for a while and chatted. Whilst my sister was making pasta for a late lunch, she said 'do you want some?'. i said no, then she got stressy with me and started saying 'you've got to have lunch!' and she'd huff (You'd understand how crappy and rubbish she makes u feel if you heard her). Then my grandma said 'yes jo, because we dont want you going to other way now do we' and my sister said 'yeah. you should go see a nutritionist'. I just rolled my eyes and agreed. I swear, though, if anyone says that to me anymore im going to tell them to FUCK OFF! Its my business and im fed up of people keep dictating about it.

When my grandma went, my sister was still going on about the lunch, so i said id have some when we got back (hoping she'd forget). We walked into town and had our appointments we made at the beauticians so that my sister looked beautiful, and i looked relatively presentable for the wedding on saturday! Then we walked home, and when we arrived back my sister was still on my back about lunch - there seemed no possible exit and i didnt want to be discovered yet. I think part of me actually wanted the pasta, like any mia does, and i suppose i had to give in to it.

I had a plate of cheesy pasta and felt so horrible after it. The only good point was that, not only did my sister see it, but my mum and stepdad walked in at that convienient moment. So they cant say im not eating lunch! lol. Afterwards i felt so horrible i wanted to claw it out! I dont rightly know what happened between then and lunch, probably plenty of mulling over of what had happened.

At 6pm, i was so shattered, for some unknown reason (!) that i fell asleep on my bed. At 8pm, i was woken by my stepdad saying it was tea. I woke feeling physically sick and depressed. The last thing i wanted to do was eat. I went downstairs and it was veg lasagne with a roll. I just felt continually ill, and even though i asked for a small portion and didnt eat all of it, i still felt painfully full. I went upstairs but felt so full that when i tried to contact my stomach muscles to purge it hurt too much to control them to get a good purge.

So i just lay there, desperate to do something. And this is where ive been since! Since 9am, when i got into bed, ive been going over and over again my plans to rid myself off the food id eaten - its now 7.30, so thats 10.5 hours so thats alot of thinking! I decided that if i went to sleep it was too risky that i fall asleep and miss the early morning double classes, so it would make more sense to stay up all night so i woudlnt miss them! Im sooooo tired but i must go. Also i cant go to sleep afterwards because otherwise it will throw my sleep cycle out the night before the wedding and i cant sleep in!

I have taken an extra caffiene pill and will take some more later on to keep awake. I think today is going to be a long one!

Also i forgot to tell you my results for my weigh in on tuesday, so here they are:

TOTAL LBS GAINED/LOST:

6LBS LOST

Now, i better go because im gonna have to go to my classes in a mo. Saturday is going to be a pain as well, but if i do enough dancing i can burn the worst of it off. Then sunday to tuesday i will try to eat as little as possible. cross fingers and toes for me please!

Speak soon - hope your all doing better than i am!

Poppy xxx

DISCOVERED! Well...almost. It's becoming too close like a pair of tight trousers!

Boo!
Hey - I'm back. I'm sorry i didnt write my blog yesterday, or leave any message that i wouldnt. I was having a bit of a crisis in my head, which i will explain.

You see, yesterday seemed to go pear-shaped (or more like blob-shaped) quite early on. I got into work and within a few hours i had picked at the food. It was mostly because there was a pudding we had on taster i hadnt tried before and i guess i just buckled. I didnt pig out on the tasters or anything, but i did have a few pieces.

I was just mortified from that point on. At lunch i denied myself my jelly, but that wasnt good enough. I started getting REALLY agitated and began pacing the shop floor when no one was around and bounced on the balls of my feet - anything to burn the cals i had consumed.

I hate the point after you have eaten something you know you shoudnt have, because you feel as though you can see and feel the fat seep across your body and you want to scrub it off. Anyway, i was getting so anxious about it, that i excused myself to the toilet so that i could do squats against the wall for two minutes to burn more. I just felt so desperate and HAD to do something.

I got picked up as normal from work and when i got in i started doing sit ups in my room. It wasnt long though, before my stepdad asked what i wanted for tea. The last thing i wanted to do was eat - all my appetite had gone. But i told him to cook the vegetable bake in the fridge, mostly because otherwise i'd get moaned at for it going off. It wasnt something i ideally wanted to be eating due to the fact it was one of my higher cal meals and i was feeling shit!

Anyway, i sat and ate it. I think my head and body must have been in turmoil, because part of me was triggered when i had the cake samples and thought it was time to binge. Another part (the part that was predominant at the time) was in shock at what i had done and wanting to scold every inch of myself. The reason i say this is because, despite feeling so bad, i still had an ice cream as well.

Of course, i went straight up to my room and purged the ice cream back up. I think i must've been switching between comfort eating and punishing in that moment. I was so tired i fell to sleep at 8.30pm! I woke up again at 11.30pm and without even thinking, went downstairs and grabbed a few ice creams and b/p ed them all. I tried to push the thoughts to the back of my mind as i finally fell back off to sleep at 5am!

So, thats why i didnt write my blog to you yesterday - TIRED + ANXIOUS = NO BLOG! I just couldnt face coming on here and saying it, i was still so desperate to shave off the calories it had added to me. Luckily, i dont seem to have gained from yesterday, but unluckily, i dont seem to have lost from today's good day!

Onto Today - 15th October

Well, i sort of drifted in and out of sleep today. I only got up to listen to an answerphone message which was from work saying could i ring back. I sat on my bed for 15 minutes debating what to do - i was dreading them saying could i work today or tomorrow. After a while, i knew i wouldnt be able to go back to sleep until i had phoned. I did and they only wanted to let me know one of the freezers had broken down, and did i want the roasted veg lasagnes! Fair enough! Not as bad as i thought, although the lasagnes would prove a different, and altogether more challenging, prospect.

I fell back to sleep, drifting in and out, and didnt then properly get up until 1.30pm! After pottering around home for a little while, i decided that it would be good exercise and a good opportunity to burn cals if i walked to the shop and back (which would amount to an hours brisk walk). The main reason for me going was that i had eaten the last ice creams so i needed to replace them. It was just my luck, that neither of the supermarkets in town had any of the specific type, so i tried to make up by buying 3 different types of ice cream for my family.

I never stopped walking and, after buying the ice creams, walked to the other side of town to collect the lasagnes. I hate waste, that was why i said i'd have them, but now i was worrying about the fact that meant id have to eat it - because its not the most low in cal of food, plus its got carbs and cheese in it. I chatted to the girls working for about half an hour then marched back out of town.

When i got home, i had enough time to put all the stuff away and get changed for aerobics before mum came in the door. She got changed and we quickly rushed off to the class. It was a strange one, not because of the class itself (because that was really good) but what my mum was saying.

Firstly, she looked at me and said 'you look really good. you need to stop losing weight now though, i think you're at a good weight now'. BOLLOCKS! IM FAT! I mean, im still a size 14 and heavy. I could lose another 2 stone (28lbs) and still be in the normal catagory. There is NO WAY i am going to stop now - im NO WAY NEAR HAPPY WITH MY WEIGHT at the moment! We still have a long way to go. Next, she said about the nutritionit again. Not just any nutritionist, but a friends one. Now this would be a perfectly fine suggestion, if i didnt know that that particular nutritionist deals with eating disorder cases. I just went along with it, but made a mental note that it was another thing i wasnt going to do.

Finally, when we were doing our weights, i saw a perfect time to slip in that i had eaten alot of the ice creams the night before. She tutted a bit and asked if i had thrown them up. I looked at her and tried to say as earnestly as possible that i hadnt. I dont know if she believed me then. After the class, we came back home and i decided to give one of the lasagnes to our friends who live a little way up the road from us (about 5-7 minutes). Despite an offer of a lift, i thought it even better to walk, and continue to burn the cals.

When i did get back, i had a bath (at which time another event was taking place that i will discover a few hours later). I came downstairs and heated up a soup. I was quite proud that it was the only thing i'd had, but it was because i was still punishing myself and making up for yesterday. It was only when i'd finished my soup that mum and colin both said that they needed to talk to me after the wedding about my welfare. That REALLY freaked me out! How much had they figured out??!!

I went upstairs, still really from this cryptic message. It wasnt until i went to my bin that i found the clue. It appears that my mum had come into my room to dispose of some rubbish, and opened my bin to discover sme yet-to-be-tipped sick from the night before's purging. SHIT! I was in turmoil about to what to do. On the one hand, i was angry that she came in my room, but mostly i was just worried. For the rest of the evening i couldnt focus and evetually i got mum alone to ask her if we could talk for a few mins.

I had come up with the appropriate excuses for the reason it was there- and no it wasnt 'the cat did it'! I decided if i owned up to it, she might believe it was a one off and move on. I told her that i didnt do it all the time, it was just that once in a blue moon i felt i had too because i felt bad or had eaten too much. I also said the reason i didnt tell her was because i didnt want her to overeact and think it was as bad as it had been. She asked me if i was throwing up my dinner, to which i said no, because i hardly ever do.

BTW. TO THOSE WHO DONT KNOW, MY MUM DOES KNOW ABOUT MY MIA BECAUSE OF THE FACT I HAD TO GO INTO HOSPITAL IN JANUARY. HENCE THE FACT I NOW USE IT AS A BIG FAT EXCUSE FOR ALOT OF THE THINGS I DO, I JUST SAY IM 'GETTING BETTER SLOWLY' AND I GET OFF OF MOST THINGS.

So, it went ok. Although im still not convinced she completely took it all. Im gonna have to pay attention to make sure that everything i do is well concealed because i seriously dont want any more clues otherwise then there will be trouble!

So, here's my cal intake for today:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 tomato soup 155kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
2x pepsi max 2kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 157KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hour hard aerobics 600kcal

walking various, at least 1 hour, brisk 200kcal

TOTAL CALS BURNED 800KCAL

So, not a bad day but this is all getting too close for my liking and i have no ideas on how to throw them off the scent. Even worse, the next two days my mum and stepdad have taken off so its going to be a struggle to weave my way amoungst their plans and finding a way to hide my eating pattern. Cross fingers - especially since saturday is going to be a nightmare!

BTW to Ty: Thanks for the quote! Shakespeare is so beautiful! I dont know that ive heard that one before, i'll be sure to save it somewhere for the future. Hope you're ok? xx

Be back tomorrow,

OoOoO x - PoPpY - x OoOoO

Tipping the scales - treading carefully today and hoping tomorrow gives me a reward!

Back another day, and its only one night away from my weigh in. I must admit im a little nervous because ive had such a good weight loss this week that i feel that the sooner m weight is recorded, then there will be no more chance of going further up than that weight. I know that sounds a little garbled.


Its like once i weigh in, i feel im safely up another foothold on my climb up a moutain and further away from my heavy fat self. Yet i feel as though i am still as fat and ugly as i was when i started - i see no difference in my body now apart from the fact i can fit into smaller clothes. But i keep looking at the label, convinced that as i see my old body then they must be my old sized clothes.

Today has been quite busy for me! I was woken 15 minutes before my alarm by the builder. He was 1 hour and 15 minutes early than the time he was supposed to arrive! I let him into the conservatory to do his work and went upstairs to get changed. WIthin 5 minutes of me changing and 'resting my head' i had dozed off again! The next time i woke it was 10.30am and my grandma had also arrived early, but only by half a hour this time. She collected the placecards and then we chatted for a while. I was dreading her suggesting that we go out for lunch but luckily she didnt bring it up.

After she went, it was nearing midday. I came upstairs and dozed off again. I know it was incredibly lazy of me and i probably didnt need more sleep, but it did turn out to be good timing because before i went to sleep i felt my stomach pains kick in. Today i got quite a few phone calls which meant i had to keep waking up. When i finally got up it was 2.30pm. I made a few phone calls to my uni - they all refered me to other people, but i think i might actually be getting somewhere with accomodation! we shall see...

Then i cracked on with the table plan that will go in the reception room. I was just about to start the ironing when my mum arrived back an hour earlier than usual. She said she wondered why i hadnt started on the ironing, and i explained she was early! Anyway, she didnt moan at me about it much and eventually took over from me when i went upstairs to get changed for circuit training.

Yes! Circuit training! Finally a day where i actualy HAVE done exercise! Its pitiful - it really is! But i know its always the tuesday that rocks the boat, because i tend to find if i do exercise tuesday then i do well with exercise for the rest of the week, if not then i find im lax in that department. When i was doing the circuits though, i lost my breath really quickly. Not in a normal out-of-breath unfit sort of way, but i have asthma and it doesnt surface very often so i dont have anthing for it. My mum thinks its a load of rubbish - unless im physically to the point of obvious ill, she thinks nothings wrong. I had to stop a few times because it felt as though half my airway was blocked or something.

Mega good-feeling after circuits! I came back home and we got tea. I was going through all the options in my head of what i was going to have, and i was gutted to realise i had no more stir fried veggies left. Also, i had eaten soup the other night and i was not ready to get an ear-bashing from the family if i tried to have it again tonight! I remembered i bought some relatively low cal sweet potato and sweetcorn waffles the other day. I had them with the rest of my cabbage in the fridge.

I felt slightly sore about eating the waffles because they were carbs. But they were the lowest cal thing i could eat at the time without arousing suspicions. As it was, both mum and my sister said 'is that all your having?!' at my plate of steaming veg and slim waffles. I replied, very indignantly, 'yes!'. But no one brought up anything about seeing anyone, or anything else about what i eat so it wasnt too terrible today. The worst days are when they try to argue with you over it!

Not much has happened since, im longing to go to bed now though. Mostly because i have a huge craving for the magnums downstairs in the freezer and dont want to risk it (despite the fact i could purge them back up), but also because i have work again tomorrow. Thankfully its my last day of work until after the wedding and i think im working with the really nice collegue today! Phew!

Err...however, ive just thought, she's the one that bought me the chocolate last time! Panic! At least im prepared now and hopefully it will be less of a shock! lol.

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
2x sweet potato waffles 234kcal
rest of the cabbage 30kcal

Snack
1 piece of gum 5kcal

Drinks
fruit tea 2kcal
pepsi max can 1kcal
water w. lemon 1kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL 273KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

Hallejuah! We have something to fill in the empty gap! lol

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1 hour circuit training, hard 500kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE CAL BURN 500KCAL

So tomorrow im hoping for an easy day, works never much trouble and then the only meal i only have to worry about is tea. Also if, by some miracle, i end up in the gym then it will be a bonus! Its Thursday and Friday im worried about because the two days i most want to be good (the days before the wedding) they have the days off and will be hanging around at home! poo!

Lastly, some literature:

One of the best poetry quotes of all time:

'What world is this? What kingdom? What shores of what worlds?'

- i dont know if you can feel its power, but i believe it pretty much sums up the overwhelming aspect of life and depression.

Another quote in my journal that is the definition of depression, but spoken in the most beautiful language:

Extract from Hamlet by William Shakespeare-


'O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt,


Thaw and resolve itself into a dew


...How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable


seem to me all the uses of this world'

Hope you enjoy and agree too

Time to depart. Cheery-Bye!

Poppy xoxo

Beating the Binge and the Bulge - My first day back on the horse after Bloody Monday!

Well, it's not quite the end of the day yet so im cheating slightly, but only a little bit! I figured if i do my blog now then i should be done by a reasonable time in the night and can get a better nights sleep before the builders, and my grandma (!), arrives tomorrow.


Well today has all been about getting back on that metaphorical horse and working extra hard to keep on up that hill rather than give up and fall into a weeks binge - especially so near to my weigh - in day! I wouldnt forgive myself!

I have managed to carry on today as if yesterday didnt happen. The only problem is once you succumb to a binge, your body suddenly craves the foods more because it knows they are avaliable. So a binge doesnt always calm your cravings, it can agravate them. Thats why going 'cold turkey' can be a better way of doing things.

So, i woke up at 1pm and through this, managed to avoid mums inviatation to a meal out at a pub with the family. I would have loved to go but i just couldnt have another tough day not after yesterday, otherwise my whole week would crumble into another partial sucess.

I spent most of the afternoon finishing the placecards (you're probably wondering how many ive got to do, given the amount of times ive said i was doing placecards! lol). I was also watching a film which probably meant i got distracted a few times. I emptied all the binge food rubbish from my room and then moved things around the kitchen to make it look as though id had lunch. I did, however, have a meduim pot of sugar free jelly for lunch.

I chewed on gum the rest of the afternoon. My family got home around 4-ish and i finally finished the cards. Then i watched another film until 6.30pm when i really couldnt wait for my tea any longer, otherwise i knew i would over-do it and binge. I asked my family when they were eating and we arranged another 30 minutes before tea. It was just a matter of self will and control. So at 7pm i cooked myself half a soup. Into it i added a single packet of peas and runner beans. I ordinarilly wouldnt have done it, but i wanted to make it seem i was eating enough to my family (despite the fact they could have looked at the cals and seen that the veg was only 35kcals, it was bulk they could onyl see). Other reasons include my huge stock of veg that is rapidly going out of date in the fridge! bummer!

Afterwards i quickly went upstairs to avoid being around for pudding. When my family came up to bed, i decided it would be wise to have a low fat hot chocolate because the binge feeings were still kicking in. Damn them! So i did and hopefully i will deny them and go to sleep early before i have anything.

So thats pretty much it, ive only got one day now until weigh-in so ive just got to hold off till then. I weighed myself this morning and was pleasantly surprised so im hoping nothing will change (apart from more loss!) by tuesday.

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
1 med pot of sugar free jelly 9kcal

Tea
1/2 winter soup 163kcal
individual portion of veg 35kcal

Snack
2 x sugar free gum pieces 10kcal
low cal hot chocolate 33kcal

Drinks
2x pepsi max 2kcal
2xglasses of water w lemon 1kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL 253KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

Try again later...

Bye Bye and speak again tomorrow!

Poppy

Don't call it a setback, a fall or a faliure - call it a glitch! wait for the comeback!

Right well...where to begin. Firstly, i will say before i get started that im treating today as a wobble on the tight rope of my ED & weight loss, but nothing more. I have managed to fend off most of the damage by purging - nearly all i have eaten today has been purged back up. I will be heavily restricting again tomorrow and monday, also monday i will have circuit training so exercise it off. Im not going to be so optimistic as to say i will go for a run tomorrow!


Well, it seems im telling you alot of excuses for things that you havent even read about yet! So really i ought to start with my day.

As you remember, i left it yesterday with the whiff of a spin class hanging in the air. But as i went to bed so late last night, that if i had gotten up for the class i would have only had 3 1/2 hours sleep. I remember mum telling me more than once how long we had until the class but eventually she left and i fell back to sleep.

Next thing i know im getting up at 12.30 midday! I hear my mum come in from wherever she had been, so to avoid an argument i quickly get dressed and begin on finishing the placecards. After a little while i go downstairs, and realise my uncle (who is visiting for 2 days) has popped in to visit. We sit downstairs for a while and chat, then by the time he left it was almost 3pm and we made our way to the city to get a few bits and do shopping.

When we arrived mum and my stepdad said they were starving so they would go off and eat. Luckily, they mentioned nothing about the fact i hadnt eaten so far that day - phew! I really wanted to shrug off my sister so that i could covertly get a sandwich, to use the wrapper to convince the folks ive had lunch, therefore avoiding any complications with tea later! Its all complicated stuff! lol. Unfortunately i was not so lucky and she decided to tag along with me.

Now, stupidly enough, for the last few days ive steared clear of eating the wispa bar and didnt touch it despite my cravings. There was some terry chocolate orange which is limited edition this christmas and i figured if i got it i wouldnt have to worry about it, and it would be another test of my self-will. I bought 2 and my sister got one because they were on a deal.

Then we did a bit more shopping, including an awkward changing room session for a bra for the bridesmaids dress. I hated my mum looking at me when i didnt have my clothes on. i was so flabby and yuck! We eventually made our way back to the car and headed for the supermarket to do some food shopping.

I actually didnt need to get alot of things this week as the whole fridge is currently backed up with alot of my veg! lol. I almost got away with not getting anything bad in the supermarket, but i remembered there was a chocolate there that i loved and you cannot get it anywhere else. I was still in the frame of mind that i could save it, but given i was going from avoiding one small chocolate bar, to alot more temptation, i should have known it would lead to no good.

When we were in the car, i could feel my stomach starting the conga and i was just glad we would be eating asap when we got home then that would be over and the pain could lessen for a bit. But only 5 minutes into preparing the veggie stirfry i was going to have, and my uncle called saying could he come over. So we had to postpone making the tea for another 40 minutes while he drove over and then they chatted for a while. By the time i was allowed to start cooking my tea i was ravenous and was really hurting. I was worried i was going to binge because i had left my hunger pangs to long, and its really wasnt a good choice of day today for buying choc, when im restricting more heavily than usual!

I had my tea thensat through anther two courses of desert and cheese. Each time i refused them politely, inside just dying to have some. Eventually when my mum brought out the chocolate box i broke and ate 5. First i ate 3, then excused myself to go to the loo, where i promptly threw them back up. Then i had another 2, before leaving again to purge. After that it seemed free-rein, and i scoffed all the rest of that food. Each time i had some i took a gap in-between to bring it back up and made sure it was all out. Some of my tea was expelled too, but i will still count it.

I have just weighed myself, and i havent changed since this morning, so im hoping tomorrow wont hit me too bad and i will, at least, not change in weight. We shall see... But i refuse to call this a setback or downfall into a binge, because tomorrow i am going to go back to restricting again and continue as before because until tonight i was feeling really positive about myself.

Here's my CALORIE SECTION:

(God i fancy some mustard!)

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
veggie stir fry 20kcal
cabbage & peppers 20kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
2x lilt zero can 22kcal
1x pepsi max can 1kcal
3x glasses of water 0kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE 63KCAL

Foods i binged / purged today:

o 2 x terry's white chocolate oranges
o 2 x kschocolat chocolate bars (large)
o wispa bar
o 5 x thorntons chocolates

ALL PURGED

EXERCISE SECTION:

Empty once again, this is getting poor!

End of another day, and i will just have to get back on the horse!

Poppy xXxXx

twitching eyes and big red onion salads - no it's not a strange dream, it's my life!

Another day, another diary entry! I hope you are all getting on well with things at the moment. My eating seems to be binge-free and back on track at the moment but every moment feels like a crack could appear and i could fall into it. I must keep it together and not tempt fate!


Today has turned out alot better than expected. Ive been anxious about it and so stressed that ive been having nervous twitches in my eye which only happens when im really stressed.

I slept in until 12.30pm, and missed my class for which i will not make any more excuses or say that i could do better next week, because that never seems to work! lol. As soon as i got up, i got a call from my sister who was picking up some card for me to finish of the wedding placecards with. Suprise surpris - there was a problem! No card in the right colour and none similar!

That started off the day on a bad foot (omg! talk about obsessed - i just typed in 'food' instead of 'foot'! lol). There was alot of screaming over the fact she refused to pick the card herself and demanded i make a decision in a matter of sceonds. The phone was constantly hung up for a number of calls! So, the rest of the afternoon was spent scraping bits of card together trying to scrape a few extra cards to reach the number we needed.

I phoned mum who phoned me back and was very sharp with me. I asked her about the placecards and she said 'was that all?'. when i said yes, it wasnt long before we said goodbye. Obviously though she was busy with work, i just felt a little wounded though by her briskness.

The rest of the afternoon i ironed all of our stuff. When mum and my sister got in at 6pm, i had just finished. There was no thanks and when i mentioned to my siste that her stuff was done she ignored me. I felt really hurt, especially when they noticed the stuff i HADNT done, like forget to get the parcels from the post office which mum replied with a sarcastic 'well you're useful'.

My mum asked me whether i was going to her hen do or not in such an angry tone that i replied that i would go if she wanted me to. She left to go to spinning and would be going straight to her do afterwards. My sister stomped on up to my room and preceeded to shout at me for being so selfish and being indecisive about coming. when i said to her that i just had this problem about it, she tried to stop me shutting the door and shouted at me to know what it was. like i was gonna tell her if she shouted at me! I just told her to piss off!

I just shut my door and cried for a while, i felt so torn. I decided to try on my red dress that i havent been able to get into for ages. IT FITS! Yay! Im so excited because its the ultimate dream dress and i love it! i actually makes me look slightly thin! lol. The next time i will be able to wear it is christmas and i cant wait! By then it could be alot looser...

I changed out of it into a top i bought a long time ago but hadnt had the chance to wear, and feeling brave, slipped my tight jeans on. Another item of clothing that i had never quite tucked into as neatly as i had wanted, they also fit! So i wore them out - yes, i decided to go to the hen do. Reason? I talked to my stepdad who said not to worry because i told him 'i hated, HATED social eating occasions'. He said just have a salad, or nothing if you want.

When we arrived there were loads of people and i got nervous again. I had to take some deep breaths, but luckily as soon as i was talking to people i kept my glace away from the menu under my nose, and everyone was really friendly. Im so glad i had checked out the menu before i arrived as i was able to decide what i wanted without feeling too overwhelmed. I ordered a tomato and red onion salad, but a meal portion rather than a side dish portion - just to please my mum.

I arrived and was HUGE! I talked through it and was able to leave at least 1/4 of it, thats not including me giving some to the people either side of me. I was glad to see them take it off my plate, you'd be amazed at how much food you can get off your plate if you say 'mmm! this is really tasty! do you want to try some?'. So i just had to make it through a painful few minutes of desert and refuse politely when people offered to share deserts. But i got through it relatively unscathed!

After food, we all chatted until some late hour around 11pm then we got a lift home. Our friends stayed round a bit and by the time they left it was 12am. Im in bed now and really ready to go to sleep! There is no excuse with exercise tomorrow because, after making the mistake of telling my mums friend who runs the classes, she said i should come and said so i dont get out of it she will tell my mum. I think it will be good when its over but i wont get a lie in! and no chance to skip meals because of sleep, as family will be with me most of the day :s

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
tomato and red onion salad 70kcals (est)

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
2x pepsi max cans 2kcal
1 glass of pepsi max 2kcal
water 0kcal

CALORIE INTAKE TOTAL 74KCALS

EXERCISE SECTION:

Erm...nothing today. Better luck tomorrow!

Ta Ta for now!

x*x poppy x*x

Hooray! Another good day, but am i just tempting the fates for tomorrow?

Me again!
I couldnt resist this pic and thought that today i deserved a fluffy bunny clap!

Im sorry i was so depressing in my blog yesterday, but surprise surprise we all get like that sometimes and it never makes it easy despite how often we get these feelings.

Today has been a little brighter to me, although i still feel like im drowning under the tides of my life pressing down on me. Today has been as good as yesterday and im glad to have jumped another hurdle. Im sure you all know the feeling, but it always seems as though i can never get a full grasp of a rope thats holding me to a cliff edge, and no matter how many steps i take or weight loss the rope seems just as far away and each day i wonder if its the day i'll lose my grip and fall.

But enough of deep thinking for now, i shall tell you how today went. I cannot believe it - another balls up with work! This time i woke up late again at 9.30, when i was supposed to be working! Luckily the boss wasnt in, it was a more laid-back collegue so i phoned in and said id be late and as quick as possible. I bet you if i wasnt so needed for christmas and wasnt leaving in jan anyway, they would have fired me by now. I have no doubt on that score.

I finally got to work at 10.30am and got straight on with jobs. I hadnt brought my lunch with me today in order to beat yesterday. I felt like i'd been bad yesterday with my food which is why today i punished myself by not having anything for lunch. Also i knew i would feel awful come tea if id had stuff for lunch as well. I dont think i mind as much if the eating is infrequent, i.e. if i have lunch and no tea or vice versa or at all! I wish!

I had to walk into town to hand out menus to shops so both me and the person i was working with decided that we could roll both into one and i could have my lunch somewhere more interesting than the wall round the back of the building! I marched into town then handed out the leaflets. Then i walked all across the causeway and up a hill which must have taken at least 10 minutes, until i arrived at a nice patch. I sat down and wrote my cals for the day, sipped my pepsi max and then read for however much longer i had there. It was so nice though because i could just relax for a bit. Its my favourite spot up there - so peaceful.

Then i walked back to the shop which took 15-20 minutes. We cleaned some freezers out and i consoled myself that i was giving my muscles a work out. This seemed to work and gave me motivation to do more! lol. It was 3pm, and i'd managed to avoid the fruit and nut slice samplers all day, when my collegue gave me a wispa bar. Of course, having an ED is like having a radar for food and you automatically hone in dangerous foods around. I had spotted two wispa bars on the work top from the moment i came in and knew one was destined for me. I was so touched that she got one for me (because we had talked about it the previous day) and felt so ungrateful and horrible that i didnt want it (or more like couldnt have it). I kept spotting it and hoped she would just forget to give it to me so the situation and temptation would never arise.

But she did. I acted really animated and said thnx. Then i told her id save it until i'd had my fruit tea - cue me boiling one! I hoped she'd forget she gave me one and i could sneak out with it. Luckily she didnt mention it again, whether she forgot i dont know. We finished up at 6pm and my stepdad was there ready to give me a lift back home.

Back home, he told me he wasnt going to boxercise and mum had gone to the gym and was just coming back now. This meant i couldnt go because i had no one to go with as you need a partner for boxercise. If i had eaten lunch today then i would have been REALLY bothered, but i remembered that i had walked a bit today, and even though this wasnt good enough, i accepted it as something to do later.

I stayed in my room for as long as possible and lathered in the blackcurranty (new bubble bar! mmm) bubbles until i knew i had to go down for tea. I went down and added half a pack of stirfry veg to a wok. But it was mostly rocket leaves so when it was heated through all the leaves had shrunk and it looked tiny! I wouldnt have minded it but i knew as soon as i placed it down on the table i would be lectured so i was probably better to add what i want rather than to let others meddle. I added an individual packet of brocolli (35kcals) to the veg (20kcals) which made it look more substantial to my family.

I ate it, keeping one eye watching for any quick glancing looks in my direction. What were they thinking? I was afraid of what they thought because i dont want them to burst this bubble ive been living in. I want them to just keep their mouths shut until after December and then its too late. Afterwards, i went to put my plate by the sink and my stepdad said something. He said that i couldnt keep living off of soups, to which i heartily refuted that i didnt, in fact i only have them about twice a week so whats the problem. He said that i should go see a nutritionalist and keep a diary of my food to make sure im getting all the right nutrients. Balls! They are starting to twig and it makes me angry. He said it was because as im vegetarian my diet has changed and i need to make sure im getting the right things, but i have a suspicion that its a cover for the fact they can probably tell im not eating much.

I just acted as though it were a good idea and that i would go to the doctor about it maybe, or look someone up. But if they pester me about it, i'll pretend i went to the doctors with a food diary and she says it looks fine and i dont need to see anyone. Either that or i'll have to fake seeing the nutritionist, or go to the nutritionist and fake what im eating in order to get through it. Im hoping they will forget about it and if they remember it will be november or december and i can say, 'well its so close to Bath now that i might as well go when im back'.

Now im upstairs and that bar has managed to stay in my bag all night now! I mustn't eat it though, i cant - im on a roll now and if i break i will lose it again. Its better for me to say no bad food, rather than some bad food (i.e. none of the chocolate bar, rather than some of the chocolate bar), otherwise it just means i get a taste for the binge.

Im getting concerned about tomorrow now. My mum is having her 3rd hen night and, what a shock, its at an italian restaurant! I hate social events - they make me so nervous. Mum said she really wants me to come so i will but im scared about what to have. I managed to find the menu online and looked at it. But everything seems to have something i cant have or i dont like. I cant have pizza, pasta, any meat, cheese, oil, bread. I found the salads but the amount of stuff i'd have to ask to be taken off or put on the side is crazy! An example:

ARROSTO (SALAD)

Goats? cheese and plum tomatoes baked on focaccia bread served with roasted peppers, caramelised balsamic onions, artichoke hearts, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, marinated olives and mixed leaves drizzled with a balsamic glaze

So, if i was ordering this i'd have to ask for an arrosto salad without the bread, artichokes, olives, and goats cheese without the dressing. That leaves a mixed salad! I might as well just order that, but if i do my mum will complain im sure. But all the meals follow the same pattern, i cant have half the stuff with/on them!

The only things i can have as they are are:

Side Dish - Tomato and Red Onion Salad

Side Dish - Mixed Salad

Starter - Minestrone Soup

Oh dear. I dont know what im going to do. I might phone my mum and explain that im still nervous about the meal tonight. I will still come, but could i have a main meal now then have a salad at the restaurant, or have a soup before we go and nothing when we're there. Hopefully she will agree to one of the following and not be too begrudging about it. Cross fingers - you will find out tomorrow.

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

breakfast
nothing 0ckal

lunch
nothing 0kcal

tea
1/2 pack of stir fry veggies 20kcal
individual portion of brocolli 35kcal
1 tbsp of soy sauce 10kcal
4 sprays of fry lite 4kcal

snack
1 piece of gum 5kcal

drinks
bottle of pepsi max 2kcal
can of pepsi max 1kcal
glass of water with lemon wedge 1kcal
bottle of water 0kcal

CAL INTAKE TOTAL 78KCALS

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

40 min walk to work, brisk 100kcal

various walking around town, total 30 mins 70kcal

TOTAL CALS BURNED 170KCAL

Right, got to go now. Thanks again to everyone for their messages r.e. yesterdays blog - everytime i read one of your messages its like getting a warm hug. It really helps thank you.

Time to snooze,

Poppy

'stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it' - U2

Hey.
I dont quite know what to write in my blog today. Im feeling really low - like crying about nothing, anxious about everything for no reason sort of low. I hate this, i felt like this when my depression was bad but everything just seems to hopeless.

You may be thinking that another weight gain has caused me to think like this but it hasnt, in fact ive gone down in weight. Its just that if i cant give up sweets and junk food then i might as well die. What is the point of living if you're not thin? I cant carry on like a lump for the rest of my life, but i want to hurt myself so bad everytime i even think of food.

Today should be a good day for me (i only had 35.5kcals) and yet i keep seeing that i could of tried harder. That i was weak for having my jelly and 1/4 cracker for lunch, or that i was lazy for not going to the gym. I just feel so useless and hate myself for not trying as hard as i should and having such a weak will.

I want to fast - to let nothing touch my lips and then i wouldnt have to forgoe the risk of putting food in my mouth to begin with. Not having any is easier than some because once you have the taste its easy to carry on. To just say simply 'no nothing' is easier. I want to curl up in a ball away from everything - all sound, noise and light and just shrink, fade and disappear. But it frightens me that people are floating so far away from me like im on a boat into sea and slowly the figures of my family are fading into the distance and all i want to do is be safe in their arms. At the same time, i want life around me all the time. I cant stand thinking to much, and thats what happens when im on my own. Thats when thoughts creep into my head and hunger into my belly. I want to distract myself from the whispers of self-annihilation slithering across my brain.

I worked today and tomorrow. It seems to mundane and right now i wish id just leave - just go and not return. It seems to pointless to stand there and do nothing wating for non-existant customers to come in when i could be doing other things. That was what today was like. Speaking of thinking of doing other things, ive been so anxious the last few days its been keeping me awake at night for hours. The only thing that takes the edge off of my anxiousness is writing my blog every night, in which i can release some of my steam. I just feel like i want to cry when i think of all the stuff to do. To make me feel worse and even more unstable, the woman from my uni welfare contacted me when i wrote to her about accomodation. She said:

'as I said previously there is no guarantee of a vacancy, but we'll help you to get something sorted.'

I know you're probably thinking that they say that they will help me get something, but i cant go into anything but halls! I talked to the woman before i went into hospital in january and she guaranteed that there would be some spaces in halls in jan. I CANNOT go into a shared house - i just cant! Whenever i get into those situations, i become reclusive and it will be halfway through a year so everyone will already be friends with everyone else. It just scares me to the point of shitless (honestly its making me petrified thinking about it) that i might have to live in a shared house, i MUST get halls!

OMG! I so fucking stressed and upset and low right now! I really need a hug and for someone to tell me that its going to be alright. Im really worried though because if i have any more binge sessions like i did i dont know how im gonna handle it. I must confess something to you all - i have never lied before but on my last blog i did...

I told you my weight had remained the same, in fact it hadnt, it had gone up by 2lbs. This is what has made me feel so upset and anxous the last few days. Ive just felt so desperate and scared and have wanted to rid myself of the weight asap. Im already down the 2lbs that i gained so now i need to shift excess weight. I just want it all off.

It feels as though if i dig deep enough, somewhere inside me i will find the real me. I just feel disgusting and like this amazing person is stuck deep on the inside of this fat lump of flesh. It feels like sif i could just shrug off all this fat, skin, flesh then my true nature, the true me, my soul will be free.

Im sorry this blog is so depressing today but i just feel so upset. Im going to go off now and cry. I bet i'll be up for hours now despite being tired - i just want all the voices out of my head!

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
115g sugar free jelly pot 4kcal
1/4 of 995 fat free cracker 4.5kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
3 pieces of gum 15kcal

Drinks
can of pepsi max 1kcal
can of lilt zero 11kcal
bottle of water 0kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE 35.5KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

40 min walk, brisk to work 100kcals

TOTAL EXERCISE CAL BURN 100KCAL

I've got to go now because i really feel like im going to cry.

Love to you all and thanks to anonymous for their message. I'm so touched that my blog comforts you, and i'd just like to say that, in turn, your messages comfort me. They act a bit like e-hugs! lol.

x Poppy x @-----

qUiCk CoOiE tHeN nIgHt NiGhT!

Heya.
Its only a quick blog today because i wrote earlier on and im working tomorrow. As you must have seen from my earlier blog, i REALLY cant do anything wrong tomorrow because technically today i refused to go into work when i was supposed to!

So, after i left you i walked up to the bus station and caught the 1pm bus. I arrived in the city at around 1.45pm. I wandered around for a while and bought some bits. I also got some more veggies from m&s and a low cal 'meal' so that at least once a week i can fool my family into thinking im eating well.

I met up with my mum who said 'not more veggies?!' in a sort of exasperated voice! But if im eating them then i ought to buy quite a bit so i can get variety! lol. Anyway, we drove home at 5pm, i didnt tell her about the whole work-no work debaucle.

When home we put the tea on and i had a roasted pepper with my veggies. It doesnt work out too bad calories wise, especially if you dont eat anything for the rest of the day. Then i went up to my room and tried on my dress. It fits fine but i still feel fat next to my sister - you'd understand if you saw her!

Now im off to bed so i can get up bright and early tomorrow to get stuff done before work!

Im trying to add this as a sort of ps because im ashamed of it but this is this weeks weigh in:

POUNDS GAINED / LOST:

0 - SAME

(all due to that bloody binge! - i had lost 2lbs but then i cracked)

To Ty and Lilyboo: Thanks for replying as well. Its strange to think back to when this all began, but its such a comfort to know that someone is beside you in this all the way. I always try to tell the truth in my blogs - none of it is made up. I want to not just provide support, but show how horrible and decietful having an ED can be! I really apprieciate your support and always look forward to your replies and comments! I REALLY hope you are both getting on well. xx

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
a stuffed pepper 135kcal
veggies 50kcal
Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
2x lilt zero cans 22kcal!
3x water bottles 0kcal

TOTAL CALS 207KCAL

Must go now,

Poppy xx

The last rolo - you can have it, i don't want it!

Heya.
God - i just feel so emotionally drained and its only 12 midday! lol. What with what went on yesterday then the madness that has been this morning im exhausted!

I was roused this morning when i heard the beep from the answerphone go off downstairs. I went down and clicked on the message - it was my boss saying why wasnt i at work because i was supposed to be working today!

OMG! I had been so convinced that i was covering for someone on Thursday and they were working my Tuesday! But apparently not! I usually start work at 9.30am but i got the message at 10am! Then before i could reply the phone goes, i pick it up and its my mother saying the woman that was doing are bridemaid dresses is coming round to drop them off, otherwise it will be days before we can go get them. I didnt tell her about work because she would have been angry with me.

So then i didnt know what to do! I decided to phone my boss back and tell her that i was over at someone elses house, and hope she volunteered to phone someone else to work. I told her and she didnt - we did that awkward silence where she was wating for me to go '...but i'll come in if you like'. I didnt and she said she wasnt happy and to phone back with my answer as to what i was doing asap.

The lady with the dresses came over for 5 minutes, then i was left with the decision of what to do. I had a huge list of things to do today but on the other hand i was probably making my boss angry. I decided to forgoe the boss and tell her i couldnt make it, besides its never busy at work. So now im at home until 1pm i think when i'll get the bus to the city.

I have this really weird feeling in my stomach - its like the horrible feeling you get after a binge when youve just purged it all up, and yet at the same time my stomach feels hungry and is giving me hunger pains! Its reli bizzare - i dont know whether im hungry or feeling ill! lol

But enough about today because i can write about this later, what happened yesterday you may ask! Well, i'll tell you although its nothing that you probably couldnt guess youselves.

I woke up only a few minutes before the order arrived and there was only excitement. After the man went i quickly put it all away, then scurried upstairs with arms full of foods i knew i shouldnt have. The first thing i stuffed was the box of doughnuts - they slid down no problem. Then followed half the cheesecake before i popped open a bottle of water, washed it down then threw up as much as possible into my waste bin. I know i should use the loo, but i find that i have to relax my stomach muscles for a better purge and i cant do that when im in the loo - i feel like im on a time limit and i MUST do it.

After i had purged as much as possible i fell back to sleep at 1pm for a few hours and finally woke up at 4pm. Well i had only had 3 hours sleep the night before! It didnt take long before i was getting back into the mia swing of things.

After that i had some of the bun and a few sweets. Then i realised tgat the ice cream was in the freezer downstairs and i would have to have it before my family came home because otherwise they would know. I went downstairs and got the ice cream and poured maple syrup over it. I gorged it within minutes then easily purged it up. Finally i had more of the cheesecake and purged. By the time all this was done i only had an hour before my family were supposed to be home.

I quickly flushed away the evidence and emptied all the rubbish from my room. I washed up all the pots left in my room and it was just in good time because as i was washing up my mum came back. I put the rubbish out quickly before she had a chance to question them. I got ready for circuit training but was apprehensive about it. The reason for this being that i hadnt actually stopped throwing up since 11am that morning, apart from my 3 hour kip. I decided to go anyway though.

Now, a few of you may be thinking, 'hadn't stopped throwing up?!' hows that possible unless you are constatly binging and even that would need alot more food than you are having, poppy! Well, my binges are different from the traditional stuff till feel ill then purge within a few minutes. I can get paranoid about calories so i tend to have a little then purge just to make sure its all out - otherwise i get scared i will stuff then not be able to get it all out. I dont get a big rush off all the food, i get waves at a time. It can take hours for me to get some stuff out but it comes. Eventually my body brings everything up whether i want it up or not. I could have tea after a binge / purge and my body will usually try to bring it up because that is what ive taught it to do and so i naturally assumes i want it out.

Sorry - just thought you might want an explaination as to why i said it took all day to get my binge out. So i got back from my class feeling much better that the edge was taken off any cals i did ingest. Then everyone wanted tea, i felt like saying 'actually thats the LAST thing i want!'. lol. Mum said 'i suppose you'll have soup', i said i didnt know. She suggested a number of other things like my peppers but they took too long, or veggie fingers. Eventually she got fed up and told me to get my own. I felt like saying 'look! I fucking do not want to eat! I dont have to do i? Leave me alone!'. But i still went downstairs and they were all eating at the table. I said about putting the fingers on and mum said 'its a bit late now' so i rhetorted and said 'well, if i cant use the oven then im going to HAVE to have soup arent i?!'. I had soup!

My sister gives me a look whenever i have it and when i shout at her 'what??!' she says 'its not food. its not a meal'. Of course, its sodding food! What else is it - cement?! Loads of people have it as meals and i dont have it all the time. They should be grateful i have the soup, let alone ask me to have anything more for tea!

I went upstairs after tea and ate an entire chocolate bar and another 1/4 of cheesecake. Then i purged and i think i got quite alot of the soup out as well. I drank loads of water througout the day, i think i must have got through 4 bottles of it so that i stayed hydrated. Eventually it got to 10pm and i told myself if i didnt eat the binge foods by midnight then i would bin them to avoid further temptation. The only food that was an exception to the rule was a tin of chocolates because i hadnt opened them.

The rest of the cupcake and cheesecake have been thrown now. I didnt eat anything more after midnight.

This is what i had to eat yesterday (calories omitted!):

BINGE -

o 3/4 raspberry cheesecake
o a giant chocolate muffin
o box of chocolate doughnuts
o 1ltr of golden syrup sponge ice cream
o maple syrup
o a large bar of dairy milk
o a few sweets

OTHER -

o 1 piece of gum
o 1/2 a covent garden soup

So now after all the emotional and physical upheaval (haha) of yesterday and then this morning i feel shattered - but now i only have....30 minutes till the bus! Oh well! At least i will sleep well tonight, also its a good thing im not working with my boss tomorrow - she will be angry at me next i work with her! oops!

Lets make today a good day - one worth having off and worth the price of the bosses wrath! lol

Speak again later,

*> x Poppy x <*

Sign your name on the dotted line - now you're bound to your ED - you MUST BINGE!

I'm so scared - I feel like i've just signed my own death sentance or something. My order for Monday has gone through and i now have no choice but to accept it. I am just so scared of gaining weight - but i know that when it arrives there will not be a question of whether or not i eat it, because by that point my foots off the cliff and theres no turning back. I'm just going to have to throw myself into the wind and try to fly, otherwise i'll just sink.


Its 5.30am here and i have to type really slowly and quietly because my family will start to get up in half an hour! My delivery comes at 10am so, best case scenario, if i finish this at 6am, then i'll get 4 hours sleep. I would have gone to bed earlier but ive constantly been going back to my order making changes. One minute i loaded it full of stuff and just approached it with a 'fuck it' attitude, the next minute im trying to take everything out. I've been struggling with it all night. Then eventually at 4.30am i went back on there and it said i could no longer make changes as it only had a few hours till delivery!

After that i got really anxious and worried and couldnt settle to sleep. Instead i decided to tidy my room - its sort of like a cleansing process. Almost like another 'purge' of all the rubbish inside/outside you - they always say environment affects your mental state. So my room must be a bombsite! lol.

I really just dont know what to do now. Im angry and upset with myself so much i want to huddle up in a ball and not eat for a week. On the other hand im excited like you get before some special event. Its a very strange and unnerving feeling when you get both at once!

Now, im going to make today brief because it seems insignificant in comparison to tomorrow and embarrasing as i showed little constraint today either. I got up by 12 midday this time and was asked by my mum to do some more place cards. Admittedly this was slightly longer work to do because i was watching Harry Potter at the same time! lol.

By lunch i had had nothing, then at tea i sat down to a bowl of stir fry veg with quorn. I was hoping the quorn would offset my rising need to binge which im getting so sick of feeling - it feels like a spoilt child that needs a good smack to get it to behave. Im so fed up of feeling like i NEED to binge. For a change, i want to be the one to chose whether i do or dont...i guess it doenst work like that tho!

After tea i went up to my room and finished whatever i was doing. That evening i crept downstairs and ate some almond fingers, 3 ice lollies, and 2 bowlfuls of crisps. I tried to purge up as much as possible however it was hard due to the fact id left it so late and everyone was in bed so they would have been able to hear if i was too vigorous. In the end i had to surrender and i feel so fat. I must have put on at least two pounds

Now im waiting for tomorrow - in fact, im almost waiting for it to be over. I am hoping that now my cold (and the rain) has temporarily subsided, i can throw myself into my exercise again. Nothing encourages getting back into routines like a new week! Im going to circuit training tomorrow then hopefully the rest will follow. Im gonna leave work early in Weds so i can make the aerobics class tho.

Right, im getting tired for those 4 hours sleep now so im gonna say a quick adios and i'll let you know asap what happens tomorrow. I will probably be in prettythin.com on the chat rooms during it all and id love to chat if someone were around about 11-12 midday.

Must go.

Love, hugs and hope that ur doing better,

Poppy xx

ps. to anonymous who left the message on my blog. Thanks for replying, unfortuately you were just minutes too late. I had been deliberating for quite some time, as you've read above, and did take some things out before it went through. I think all i need now is luck! Thanks for your comments - i really DO apprieciate them! Speak soon x

Just a few tidbits to tide you over till tomorrow...

Keira Knightley is sooo incredibly beautiful and thin, i want to be her!

Heya,

Im going to be a real let down tonight but ive decided to pass my blog over for today until tomorrow. I just feel if i did it no i would rush it, because i need to get to bed due to the fact my mum was NOT pleased with the fact i got up so late today. Tomorrow i expect her to be banging at my door!

I will give you a full update tomorrow. For the moment, thanks to annamarie for replying - i'll send you a reply when i do the blog. I really apprieciate your support - its good to know there are others out there that can be such a comfort and help.

Poppy

Ana and Mia are having an argment in my head - Why am i so desperate to binge??!!!!

Mmm - choices choices can be a wonderful thing, on the other hand they can be an absoloute curse...especially if you've got an Eating Disorder!


Today has been another rather odd day and after this blog im very much looking forward to cuddling up in bed and sleeping for a good 10-11 hours! mmm

So, i got up early again today because of work - this time i had actually managed to get 5 and a half hours kip! incredible! lol. I took 3 hoodia this morning because my stomach pains were quite strong.

Work was as per usual. I walked there and instead of my yoghurt for lunch i had a jelly pot which was only 6kcals! This meant i saved myself 69kcals than i would have had if i'd had the yoghurt! I LOVE jelly! lol. We got a list of all the things that would be arriving for chrismas and im telling you now - i will be buying some of these things. I will just have to purge afterwards because i dont think i will be able to resist them when they come into the store. We are getting christmas cake, christmas puddings, candy canes, gingerbread men, marshmallows, nut boats and other cakes and things! mmmm..... Luckily thats still a few weeks away before i have to panic!

After work i got picked up and when i got home i was really hungry. I was getting impatient for food and binge mood was starting to kick in. I decided that the best thing to do would be to weigh myself. It would mean that if i had lost it would be incentive not to eat because i was doing well, and if i'd gained then it meant that i had to try harder and not eat. But when i weighed myself it felt as though none of my hard work for the day had counted - i had actually gained 0.5lbs! I was so disappointed and i think that is what triggers my binges.

I think that when i see that i havent lost after all the hard work of not eating, my 'all-or-nothing' mentality kicks in and somewhere in me a voice says 'what the heck! why put the effort in then?! you might as well eat loads more!'. Thats how it felt in that moment. I had planned to have a stirfry because its very low cal, but i decided instead to have a soup. When i was in the kitchen i, in this impulsive mood, hastily grabbed a roll and stuffed it. Then i had the soup followed immediately by an ice cream. i knew right from the point i chose to have the ice cream that i was going to purge. I was at a fork in the eating road where i had to decide between living with the cals i had consumed or taking a risk, eating more then purging - i purged.

I didnt purge all and for some reason i had particular difficulty purging the roll, so i just purged the ice cream and half the soup. I am not sure the hoodia worked today because i have felt just as hungry as i always do and have wanted food just as much! i will have to see how it affects me tomorrow.

****>>>>This evening i went online to do the grocery shopping. In fact, it would be a lie to say i hadnt done it all a few days before. The real reason for me going back on was because i had been dying to binge for at least an hour and clicking madly at 'bad foods' on the website is a good way for me to exercise my binging habits without danger of taking in any cals or actaully eating anything! I started adding things to my basket and the idea formed in my head that i would buy stuff for a proper full on binge / purge session. added the following things to my basket:

- 2 slices of chocolate brownie cheesecake
- a bag of rolo cookies
- a box of mini doughnuts
- a pack of 2 chocolate and caramel eclairs
- a chocolate muffin with marshmallows
- a packet of 6 scones
- a 1ltr tub of golden syrup ice cream
- a tin of quality streets chocolate
- a squeezy bottle of caramel syrup
- 2 packets of salted crisps
- soured cream and chive dip

At the moment i have confirmed the order however i can cancel or change it at any time up until the night before the order will be delievered. My idea behind it was that if i knew that i had a big binge coming i would be able to exercise better constraint against binging and picking other times. However im also petrified of that order coming because then i will eat all that stuff. Im so worried because i know i have no control over whether i eat it or not and when i eat it, im scared i wont be able to get it all out and all the calories out.

So - i dont know what to do! Please help! I need as much advice as possible! Do i leave the order (see above*) and accept the binge as long as its the only one this week? Or do i change/cancel it and risk binging before that time? Im so at odds - the ana side and mia side of me are playing tug of war with my brain, its so conflicting!

So for the last few hours ive been chatting on prettythin, and theres now a nice long list of yummy bad foods where lise lotte and i have just listed all the foods we miss! lol. We just kept going!

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
pot of sugar-free jelly 6kcal

Tea
1/2 parsnip and squash soup 100kcal (part b/p)
roll 250kcal
mini ice cream b/p all

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
fruit tea 2kcal
2x pepsi cans 2kcal
pepsi bottle 2kcal
bottle of water 0kcal
TOTAL CAL INTAKE 362kcal

EXERCISE SECTION:

*Exercise begins on Sunday, unless my partner can't make it, in which it will resume for definite on monday*

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 min walk to work, brisk 100kcal

TOTAL EXERCISE CAL BURN 100KCAL

Right, all done and dusted here. Hope you all had a productive day full of thin thoughts and weight loss! Im gonna go snooze now! Saturday tomorrow - DAMN! possible weekend parent-noticing-lack-of-food alert!

xx Poppy xx

TIP #37 - Never take laxitives before going to sleep...or work...or ever! lol. BIG HUGS!

It's just me again!
Firstly i must say this stright away because im uber-duber touched by your messages of support in response to my last blog. I'm so grateful and they mean so much to me.

I have been so worried about telling anyone my weight and never saw a good time to tell anyone. So thank you for making me feel as though there will never be a perfect time, its just important to have great friends and support who will understand and help you through things.

Special hugs to Lise Lotte who i've been chatting with on prettythin for the last two days! Also to Elle's kind message about the 100th blog on the guestbook. Your message really gave me a positivity that i'd been lacking before and i hope i inspire the same back to you. I know how horrible day-long binges are and so if you need someone to talk to just email me and i will send you a reply the same day - lifeisafreefallplunge@hotmail.co.uk .

Also before i forget, more thanks to AnneMarie for her supportive and cautionary messages on self-harming and positive attitude. I havent harmed in a while now and hopefully, as im losing weight, i wont feel the urge to, but if i do - i promise you'll be the first i come to! Your messages are always uplifting and encourage me to keep climbing the mountain! Finally but not lastly, thanks to an anonymous person who left a message on my blog two days ago regarding my 'pledge' when i had especially asked people to do so. I would have felt a right billy if no one have left a message and its important for me to know that i made my promise to someone / people, so that i can convince myself that through this im bound by my e-word (!) to follow it out. So far so good!

Right, on to today's shinanigans! Well due to chatting on prettythin last night, i didnt turn my computer off until 4am. It was, not so happily, then that my searing stomach pains kicked in. These stomach pains were due to me taking laxitives earlier. Now wait! I know what your thinking - 'they dont work! dont take them!' but i didnt take them to rid myself of cals. I took them because i wanted a clean body for the beginning week. However i always take at least double the dose recommended to make sure its all out, so i knew what to expect.

But when it got to 4am i thought to myself that my body must have gotten used to the high dosage because i had waited up for quite a few hours in expectance of pains and poos, but nothing! So i was just settling down to sleep when the pains kicked in. So for the next hour i was curled up against the pains, then rushing to the loo! Luckily it didnt last too long, and finally about 5.00am i managed to get to sleep!

....*RING RING RING!* I wake up to my alarm clock buzing in my ear after only 3 hours sleep! What crap! I got ready for work, really dying for someone to phone and say it was a mistake and i didnt need to come in. But no call came! So i marched my way to work and endured the 9 hours of frozen food hell until 6pm when i left.

Lunch had pretty much been as usual - a pepsi max bottle and a shape yoghurt. When i run out of yoghurt, i think im gonna take jelly there instead because thats so low in cal and more tastier than yoghurt! The only other piece of important info that happened at work was that we planned the place and time for the christmas dinner. I soooo dont want to go but theres only 5 of us and ive already okayed it because they would have changed the date for me if i'd said i couldnt come. I looked at the menu and its all fatty stuff, and the biggest problem is that for christmas work dinners you are supposed to have a christmas dinner not salad! panic! oh well! i have a few weeks before then and i will do some research into the pub menu and see what i can sort out.

After work i came home and cooked tea with mum. I opted for my soup today and mum said would i have a slice of pizza with them if it didnt have salami ontop. I said no (trying to say it as if i didnt fancy it) and i think she was a bit annoyed. Then she said in a sarcastic tone that she supposes i'll be having my soup then. I didnt say anything.

Tea was ok though and i didnt have any pudding. I came upstairs and was ok until around 8-ish so i allowed myself a jelly if i promised i wouldnt binge. So far so good - straight after this blog its scales then bed so i dont fall to temptation! Thats about it for today.

I'm sorry i didnt do the calorie / exercise tables for yesterday! I forgot amoungst all the other numbers flying around my head! lol. Never mind - it will have to start from today:

CALORIE SECTION:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CALS

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
shape yoghurt 75kcal

Tea
winter veg soup 166kcal

Snack
no sugar jelly 9kcal

Drinks
can pepsi max 1kcal
bottle of pepsi max 1.5kcal
1Xfruit tea 2kcal

TOTAL CAL INTAKE 254.5KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 mins walk to work, brisk 100kcals

TOTAL EXERCISE CAL BURN 100KCAL

Right, im off now! time to weigh and snooze!

x Poppy x

Weight Loss is slugging by - but i'm still losing so it's a happy slug!

WELCOME TO MY 100TH BLOG!

Yes! This is officially my 100th entry into Poppy's Babble Blog! Unfortunately though, it doesnt seem to be the most eventful day, weight loss and mood i've ever been in to write my blog! You'll just have to stick up with typical half asleep me for today!

As it's my 100th blog, i've decided to break my silence on my weight. Many have been asking me online what my weight is/was and i refused to tell them because i was ashamed and never thought i'd lost enough. I even moved my goal down 20lbs to avoid telling people! Now that im almost halfway, ive got to start admitting to it - because the weight wont be mine for long! It will be slipping off me soon! *cross fingers*

MY PRESENT TO YOU!

Starting weight of current restricting: 200lbs

Current weight of present restricting: 161lbs

Total weight loss so far: 39lbs

(oooo! so close to 40lbs! lol)

Yes, i know - im not the svelte life-long ana that you probably hoped lead this site. Im a podgy life long mia thats on the road to ana. But i promise you that i will get there! Im not a 'fraud' for setting up a site like this then revealing im a heavier weight than probably thought - it is my wish that those with an ED who also find it hard to deal with their weight, whatever that may be, can find a haven here...and in turn not judge me too harshly either!

So, back to business! As you can tell by my happy-go-lucky slug above, weight loss is slow...ish. Lets begin with this weeks weigh in:

POUNDS GAINED OR LOST

LOST 3LBS

So, at least i lost but not as much of a significant amount as a wanted to. I suppose i should be grateful that i lost that much given that i binged my way through the entire of last week. Now, however im in a rather impatient and awkward mood - reasons?:

1) I'm 1lb off hitting my second short-term goal

2) I'm 2lbs off going down a BMI level to 'normal weight' (remember i started off as 'obese')

3) I'm 3lbs off being able to say i've now lost 3 whole stone

4) I'm 11lbs off hitting the halfway mark on my weight loss!

Its a bit of a bind! I just have to keep persevering and hit all the targets in one week i suppose! lol. well...maybe all but number 4, i'd be lucky to lose 11lbs in one week!

So, after all this chat i think its time to settle into my brief blog. Brief because of the fact i have work tomorrow and also because today has been deadly dull!

After only 3 and a half hours sleep i dragged myself out of bed at 9.30am to be awake for when my stepdad's brother-in-law came to do the handy work around our house. I was all out of joint from the moment i woke up then because my stomach started to get hungry earlier on than it usually does. Typical! First day solidly back under a pledge of strict regime and my stomachs on 'go' from the moment i open my eyes! oh well! no peace for the wicked! lol.

So i sat up, although desperate to go back to sleep, i stayed awake and chatted for the hour he was here. When he went, i got straight back into bed, despite it now being 11am, and went to sleep! I was so knackered and refused to put up with stomach pains longer than i had to. I mean, i cant wait to go to sleep tonight because no pains and that means less time thinking about food!

Anyways, i woke up at 3pm and, after a few bits around the house, made my way into town. I decided to bike it in this time, so at least i could get some exercise. My cold is just the dribbles now, and the only thing still a pain is my cough. Hopefully i will go back to doing classes tomorrow! whoppeee! I had made an appointment to talk to someone about my mum and stepdad's up-and-coming wedding. So i went to the hotel and chatted to them for a little while before walking straight past the local stores (and chocolate bars!) and cycled back home.

For the rest of the afternoon i did jobs around the house. I had a jelly pot when i got in, but apart from that and a piece of gum i had nothing else to eat. When my family got home, i cooked tea for my sister and I. I had a roasted pepper with vegetables. After tea i tidied up and we went upstairs. It sounds silly, but for a moment when i returned to the kitchen half an hour later i felt really heavy and disgusting from this pepper and its contents. So, despite feeling a little crazy, i began jumping, hopping and fast pacing whilst washing up. I wanted to do anything to burn a few of those extra cals i'd eaten.

Now im just exhausted and want to sleep. Tomorrow is work again and hopefully i wont be in a break situation. NOTE TO MYSELF: NO SNACKING! Eugh - i hate that place! Food shops are the worst to work in! lol.

Toodle Pip and im off up the apples and pears,

I'll see you all soon.

x Poppy x <3

It's time to get back to basics - Self Control is the Key to the Heavens and Thin Thin Thin!

I just love this picture i found! I want to be like the kitty and exercise some self control for the week ahead now! No binging for a week! - Ive done enough of that to last me a lifetime...or two!


This kitten is setting a good example to me! I must go against my instincts and in turn be a better person for it! If i dont eat today, tomorrow will be brighter...and thinner hopefullly!

Today is the last day of full eating before a new week (and also a new month!) ! Tomorrow i weigh myself and record it, then another week begins - i seem to be writing this an awful lot lately and nothing much happens the week following! Well - i will make a pact with whoever reads this, so if you ready this please add a comment to my blog or just sign an 'x' in the box then i know i must keep my promise as someone has read it - the more people the better.

THE PACT:

I will not binge eat this week

I will limit myself to purging only when completely necessary, i.e. i consume over 300kcal a day

I will not eat over 500, preferably 300kcals, a day over the next 7 days

This i pledge with every single fibre of my being and soul in the hopes that i can escape this wretched body.

So... that was a good start to my new week! Of course, i cant officially begin until after my weigh-in tomorrow but im anticipating it alot. Theonly problem is that i have to get up early tomorrow because a relative is coming round for a bit so i have to be up. It means hunger pains start early!

Today - well where shall i start? How about nowhere?! It started, it was rubbish, thank god its ending! I mean, its not so bad in the way that i sat at a table and was forced to eat cake all day, but it feels like it. I feel as though ive let myself down, yet again - hence the pledge above, which i WILL keep my promise to.

So i got up today and pretty much had nothing to eat for most of the morning but took my 72 hour pills all the same for 'lunchtime' without the lunch! Around 1.30pm i ate a pot of jelly from the fridge so i felt it was going ok so far. Then i got a phone call from a school friend that i havent seen in ages and i completely forgot that we were going to meet up. She came round a few minutes later and picked me up.

We went to a pub and she ordered a plate of wedges with dip, i declined to have anything. I didnt judge her or anything and i imagine we both noted each other eating or not eating because we have/have had EDs. She used to bully me in school and we had known each other a while before that. I have always partly blamed her for all my problems, and one day last year i got really mad and upset and sent her an email saying how i had bulimia and it has fucked up my life.

I was surprised when she sent a reply saying how sorry she was and that she had had bulimia and anorexia too. So meeting up today was interesting, although we didnt talk much about it. All i found out was that we seem, although completely different sides of the school playground table, to have both suffered with depression, self harm and have both been in a hospital unit for these things! So i guess we have more in common that i thought! lol.

Anyway we chatted and i watched in envy at the wedges. Then we went to another place for another drink and she ordered an ice cream, i again refused anything. I watched on until we realised we had been chatting away for hours and she drove me home. By that point it was 4.30 and 1 and a half hours until my family got home. I was desperate for some food and went into the kitchen.

I think taking the pill actually gave me an excuse to eat - i guess i used it as a reason to be able to eat more which was competely wrong. Luckily its the last day on the pill then i will have to go back to my weak self will and toughen it back up a bit! I ate a veggie finger roll and some wedges with low fat mayonnaise. I then had some ice crea, and ran to my room to purge it up. I only managed to get half out. So by the time my family came back, i was a bit of a mess inside.

I didnt let them see how in turmoil i was, and was all smiles for them. but inside it urt so much from stuffing all the food and i just wanted it out. I downed the last 6 pills from the bottle, praying that they would work some miricle and squeese out all the calories and fat. Im waiting on the results!

I told my mum that i'd had my lunch when i got back from my meeting with my friend and that i was now stuffed so wouldnt have tea. Thats another excuse wasted on a binge - if i'd saved that for a non binge day, i could have not eaten anything! So i got away with no tea therefore restricting the effects of the food.

Im worried about my weight loss - its not good enough. I need to lose more, quicker. Im not giving 100% therefore the results are not as good as they could be. I could be losing like half a stone or more a month extra and feel doubly better than i am now! wheres the downside to this plan?! Why arent i doing it right now?!

So, anyway that was today, bring on tomorrow - a new month and *cross fingers* another step on the scale...

Poppy @-'-,--