God - i just feel so emotionally drained and its only 12 midday! lol. What with what went on yesterday then the madness that has been this morning im exhausted!
I was roused this morning when i heard the beep from the answerphone go off downstairs. I went down and clicked on the message - it was my boss saying why wasnt i at work because i was supposed to be working today!
OMG! I had been so convinced that i was covering for someone on Thursday and they were working my Tuesday! But apparently not! I usually start work at 9.30am but i got the message at 10am! Then before i could reply the phone goes, i pick it up and its my mother saying the woman that was doing are bridemaid dresses is coming round to drop them off, otherwise it will be days before we can go get them. I didnt tell her about work because she would have been angry with me.
So then i didnt know what to do! I decided to phone my boss back and tell her that i was over at someone elses house, and hope she volunteered to phone someone else to work. I told her and she didnt - we did that awkward silence where she was wating for me to go '...but i'll come in if you like'. I didnt and she said she wasnt happy and to phone back with my answer as to what i was doing asap.
The lady with the dresses came over for 5 minutes, then i was left with the decision of what to do. I had a huge list of things to do today but on the other hand i was probably making my boss angry. I decided to forgoe the boss and tell her i couldnt make it, besides its never busy at work. So now im at home until 1pm i think when i'll get the bus to the city.
I have this really weird feeling in my stomach - its like the horrible feeling you get after a binge when youve just purged it all up, and yet at the same time my stomach feels hungry and is giving me hunger pains! Its reli bizzare - i dont know whether im hungry or feeling ill! lol
But enough about today because i can write about this later, what happened yesterday you may ask! Well, i'll tell you although its nothing that you probably couldnt guess youselves.
I woke up only a few minutes before the order arrived and there was only excitement. After the man went i quickly put it all away, then scurried upstairs with arms full of foods i knew i shouldnt have. The first thing i stuffed was the box of doughnuts - they slid down no problem. Then followed half the cheesecake before i popped open a bottle of water, washed it down then threw up as much as possible into my waste bin. I know i should use the loo, but i find that i have to relax my stomach muscles for a better purge and i cant do that when im in the loo - i feel like im on a time limit and i MUST do it.
After i had purged as much as possible i fell back to sleep at 1pm for a few hours and finally woke up at 4pm. Well i had only had 3 hours sleep the night before! It didnt take long before i was getting back into the mia swing of things.
After that i had some of the bun and a few sweets. Then i realised tgat the ice cream was in the freezer downstairs and i would have to have it before my family came home because otherwise they would know. I went downstairs and got the ice cream and poured maple syrup over it. I gorged it within minutes then easily purged it up. Finally i had more of the cheesecake and purged. By the time all this was done i only had an hour before my family were supposed to be home.
I quickly flushed away the evidence and emptied all the rubbish from my room. I washed up all the pots left in my room and it was just in good time because as i was washing up my mum came back. I put the rubbish out quickly before she had a chance to question them. I got ready for circuit training but was apprehensive about it. The reason for this being that i hadnt actually stopped throwing up since 11am that morning, apart from my 3 hour kip. I decided to go anyway though.
Now, a few of you may be thinking, 'hadn't stopped throwing up?!' hows that possible unless you are constatly binging and even that would need alot more food than you are having, poppy! Well, my binges are different from the traditional stuff till feel ill then purge within a few minutes. I can get paranoid about calories so i tend to have a little then purge just to make sure its all out - otherwise i get scared i will stuff then not be able to get it all out. I dont get a big rush off all the food, i get waves at a time. It can take hours for me to get some stuff out but it comes. Eventually my body brings everything up whether i want it up or not. I could have tea after a binge / purge and my body will usually try to bring it up because that is what ive taught it to do and so i naturally assumes i want it out.
Sorry - just thought you might want an explaination as to why i said it took all day to get my binge out. So i got back from my class feeling much better that the edge was taken off any cals i did ingest. Then everyone wanted tea, i felt like saying 'actually thats the LAST thing i want!'. lol. Mum said 'i suppose you'll have soup', i said i didnt know. She suggested a number of other things like my peppers but they took too long, or veggie fingers. Eventually she got fed up and told me to get my own. I felt like saying 'look! I fucking do not want to eat! I dont have to do i? Leave me alone!'. But i still went downstairs and they were all eating at the table. I said about putting the fingers on and mum said 'its a bit late now' so i rhetorted and said 'well, if i cant use the oven then im going to HAVE to have soup arent i?!'. I had soup!
My sister gives me a look whenever i have it and when i shout at her 'what??!' she says 'its not food. its not a meal'. Of course, its sodding food! What else is it - cement?! Loads of people have it as meals and i dont have it all the time. They should be grateful i have the soup, let alone ask me to have anything more for tea!
I went upstairs after tea and ate an entire chocolate bar and another 1/4 of cheesecake. Then i purged and i think i got quite alot of the soup out as well. I drank loads of water througout the day, i think i must have got through 4 bottles of it so that i stayed hydrated. Eventually it got to 10pm and i told myself if i didnt eat the binge foods by midnight then i would bin them to avoid further temptation. The only food that was an exception to the rule was a tin of chocolates because i hadnt opened them.
The rest of the cupcake and cheesecake have been thrown now. I didnt eat anything more after midnight.
This is what i had to eat yesterday (calories omitted!):
BINGE -
o 3/4 raspberry cheesecake
o a giant chocolate muffin
o box of chocolate doughnuts
o 1ltr of golden syrup sponge ice cream
o maple syrup
o a large bar of dairy milk
o a few sweets
OTHER -
o 1 piece of gum
o 1/2 a covent garden soup
So now after all the emotional and physical upheaval (haha) of yesterday and then this morning i feel shattered - but now i only have....30 minutes till the bus! Oh well! At least i will sleep well tonight, also its a good thing im not working with my boss tomorrow - she will be angry at me next i work with her! oops!
Lets make today a good day - one worth having off and worth the price of the bosses wrath! lol
Speak again later,
*> x Poppy x <*
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