Its 5.30am here and i have to type really slowly and quietly because my family will start to get up in half an hour! My delivery comes at 10am so, best case scenario, if i finish this at 6am, then i'll get 4 hours sleep. I would have gone to bed earlier but ive constantly been going back to my order making changes. One minute i loaded it full of stuff and just approached it with a 'fuck it' attitude, the next minute im trying to take everything out. I've been struggling with it all night. Then eventually at 4.30am i went back on there and it said i could no longer make changes as it only had a few hours till delivery!
After that i got really anxious and worried and couldnt settle to sleep. Instead i decided to tidy my room - its sort of like a cleansing process. Almost like another 'purge' of all the rubbish inside/outside you - they always say environment affects your mental state. So my room must be a bombsite! lol.
I really just dont know what to do now. Im angry and upset with myself so much i want to huddle up in a ball and not eat for a week. On the other hand im excited like you get before some special event. Its a very strange and unnerving feeling when you get both at once!
Now, im going to make today brief because it seems insignificant in comparison to tomorrow and embarrasing as i showed little constraint today either. I got up by 12 midday this time and was asked by my mum to do some more place cards. Admittedly this was slightly longer work to do because i was watching Harry Potter at the same time! lol.
By lunch i had had nothing, then at tea i sat down to a bowl of stir fry veg with quorn. I was hoping the quorn would offset my rising need to binge which im getting so sick of feeling - it feels like a spoilt child that needs a good smack to get it to behave. Im so fed up of feeling like i NEED to binge. For a change, i want to be the one to chose whether i do or dont...i guess it doenst work like that tho!
After tea i went up to my room and finished whatever i was doing. That evening i crept downstairs and ate some almond fingers, 3 ice lollies, and 2 bowlfuls of crisps. I tried to purge up as much as possible however it was hard due to the fact id left it so late and everyone was in bed so they would have been able to hear if i was too vigorous. In the end i had to surrender and i feel so fat. I must have put on at least two pounds
Now im waiting for tomorrow - in fact, im almost waiting for it to be over. I am hoping that now my cold (and the rain) has temporarily subsided, i can throw myself into my exercise again. Nothing encourages getting back into routines like a new week! Im going to circuit training tomorrow then hopefully the rest will follow. Im gonna leave work early in Weds so i can make the aerobics class tho.
Right, im getting tired for those 4 hours sleep now so im gonna say a quick adios and i'll let you know asap what happens tomorrow. I will probably be in prettythin.com on the chat rooms during it all and id love to chat if someone were around about 11-12 midday.
Must go.
Love, hugs and hope that ur doing better,
Poppy xx
ps. to anonymous who left the message on my blog. Thanks for replying, unfortuately you were just minutes too late. I had been deliberating for quite some time, as you've read above, and did take some things out before it went through. I think all i need now is luck! Thanks for your comments - i really DO apprieciate them! Speak soon x
No comments:
Post a Comment