Hey - I'm back. I'm sorry i didnt write my blog yesterday, or leave any message that i wouldnt. I was having a bit of a crisis in my head, which i will explain.
You see, yesterday seemed to go pear-shaped (or more like blob-shaped) quite early on. I got into work and within a few hours i had picked at the food. It was mostly because there was a pudding we had on taster i hadnt tried before and i guess i just buckled. I didnt pig out on the tasters or anything, but i did have a few pieces.
I was just mortified from that point on. At lunch i denied myself my jelly, but that wasnt good enough. I started getting REALLY agitated and began pacing the shop floor when no one was around and bounced on the balls of my feet - anything to burn the cals i had consumed.
I hate the point after you have eaten something you know you shoudnt have, because you feel as though you can see and feel the fat seep across your body and you want to scrub it off. Anyway, i was getting so anxious about it, that i excused myself to the toilet so that i could do squats against the wall for two minutes to burn more. I just felt so desperate and HAD to do something.
I got picked up as normal from work and when i got in i started doing sit ups in my room. It wasnt long though, before my stepdad asked what i wanted for tea. The last thing i wanted to do was eat - all my appetite had gone. But i told him to cook the vegetable bake in the fridge, mostly because otherwise i'd get moaned at for it going off. It wasnt something i ideally wanted to be eating due to the fact it was one of my higher cal meals and i was feeling shit!
Anyway, i sat and ate it. I think my head and body must have been in turmoil, because part of me was triggered when i had the cake samples and thought it was time to binge. Another part (the part that was predominant at the time) was in shock at what i had done and wanting to scold every inch of myself. The reason i say this is because, despite feeling so bad, i still had an ice cream as well.
Of course, i went straight up to my room and purged the ice cream back up. I think i must've been switching between comfort eating and punishing in that moment. I was so tired i fell to sleep at 8.30pm! I woke up again at 11.30pm and without even thinking, went downstairs and grabbed a few ice creams and b/p ed them all. I tried to push the thoughts to the back of my mind as i finally fell back off to sleep at 5am!
So, thats why i didnt write my blog to you yesterday - TIRED + ANXIOUS = NO BLOG! I just couldnt face coming on here and saying it, i was still so desperate to shave off the calories it had added to me. Luckily, i dont seem to have gained from yesterday, but unluckily, i dont seem to have lost from today's good day!
Onto Today - 15th October
Well, i sort of drifted in and out of sleep today. I only got up to listen to an answerphone message which was from work saying could i ring back. I sat on my bed for 15 minutes debating what to do - i was dreading them saying could i work today or tomorrow. After a while, i knew i wouldnt be able to go back to sleep until i had phoned. I did and they only wanted to let me know one of the freezers had broken down, and did i want the roasted veg lasagnes! Fair enough! Not as bad as i thought, although the lasagnes would prove a different, and altogether more challenging, prospect.
I fell back to sleep, drifting in and out, and didnt then properly get up until 1.30pm! After pottering around home for a little while, i decided that it would be good exercise and a good opportunity to burn cals if i walked to the shop and back (which would amount to an hours brisk walk). The main reason for me going was that i had eaten the last ice creams so i needed to replace them. It was just my luck, that neither of the supermarkets in town had any of the specific type, so i tried to make up by buying 3 different types of ice cream for my family.
I never stopped walking and, after buying the ice creams, walked to the other side of town to collect the lasagnes. I hate waste, that was why i said i'd have them, but now i was worrying about the fact that meant id have to eat it - because its not the most low in cal of food, plus its got carbs and cheese in it. I chatted to the girls working for about half an hour then marched back out of town.
When i got home, i had enough time to put all the stuff away and get changed for aerobics before mum came in the door. She got changed and we quickly rushed off to the class. It was a strange one, not because of the class itself (because that was really good) but what my mum was saying.
Firstly, she looked at me and said 'you look really good. you need to stop losing weight now though, i think you're at a good weight now'. BOLLOCKS! IM FAT! I mean, im still a size 14 and heavy. I could lose another 2 stone (28lbs) and still be in the normal catagory. There is NO WAY i am going to stop now - im NO WAY NEAR HAPPY WITH MY WEIGHT at the moment! We still have a long way to go. Next, she said about the nutritionit again. Not just any nutritionist, but a friends one. Now this would be a perfectly fine suggestion, if i didnt know that that particular nutritionist deals with eating disorder cases. I just went along with it, but made a mental note that it was another thing i wasnt going to do.
Finally, when we were doing our weights, i saw a perfect time to slip in that i had eaten alot of the ice creams the night before. She tutted a bit and asked if i had thrown them up. I looked at her and tried to say as earnestly as possible that i hadnt. I dont know if she believed me then. After the class, we came back home and i decided to give one of the lasagnes to our friends who live a little way up the road from us (about 5-7 minutes). Despite an offer of a lift, i thought it even better to walk, and continue to burn the cals.
When i did get back, i had a bath (at which time another event was taking place that i will discover a few hours later). I came downstairs and heated up a soup. I was quite proud that it was the only thing i'd had, but it was because i was still punishing myself and making up for yesterday. It was only when i'd finished my soup that mum and colin both said that they needed to talk to me after the wedding about my welfare. That REALLY freaked me out! How much had they figured out??!!
I went upstairs, still really from this cryptic message. It wasnt until i went to my bin that i found the clue. It appears that my mum had come into my room to dispose of some rubbish, and opened my bin to discover sme yet-to-be-tipped sick from the night before's purging. SHIT! I was in turmoil about to what to do. On the one hand, i was angry that she came in my room, but mostly i was just worried. For the rest of the evening i couldnt focus and evetually i got mum alone to ask her if we could talk for a few mins.
I had come up with the appropriate excuses for the reason it was there- and no it wasnt 'the cat did it'! I decided if i owned up to it, she might believe it was a one off and move on. I told her that i didnt do it all the time, it was just that once in a blue moon i felt i had too because i felt bad or had eaten too much. I also said the reason i didnt tell her was because i didnt want her to overeact and think it was as bad as it had been. She asked me if i was throwing up my dinner, to which i said no, because i hardly ever do.
BTW. TO THOSE WHO DONT KNOW, MY MUM DOES KNOW ABOUT MY MIA BECAUSE OF THE FACT I HAD TO GO INTO HOSPITAL IN JANUARY. HENCE THE FACT I NOW USE IT AS A BIG FAT EXCUSE FOR ALOT OF THE THINGS I DO, I JUST SAY IM 'GETTING BETTER SLOWLY' AND I GET OFF OF MOST THINGS.
So, it went ok. Although im still not convinced she completely took it all. Im gonna have to pay attention to make sure that everything i do is well concealed because i seriously dont want any more clues otherwise then there will be trouble!
So, here's my cal intake for today:
CALORIE SECTION:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
Nothing 0kcal
Tea
1/2 tomato soup 155kcal
Snack
Nothing 0kcal
Drinks
2x pepsi max 2kcal
TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 157KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
1 hour hard aerobics 600kcal
walking various, at least 1 hour, brisk 200kcal
TOTAL CALS BURNED 800KCAL
So, not a bad day but this is all getting too close for my liking and i have no ideas on how to throw them off the scent. Even worse, the next two days my mum and stepdad have taken off so its going to be a struggle to weave my way amoungst their plans and finding a way to hide my eating pattern. Cross fingers - especially since saturday is going to be a nightmare!
BTW to Ty: Thanks for the quote! Shakespeare is so beautiful! I dont know that ive heard that one before, i'll be sure to save it somewhere for the future. Hope you're ok? xx
Be back tomorrow,
OoOoO x - PoPpY - x OoOoO
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