Its like once i weigh in, i feel im safely up another foothold on my climb up a moutain and further away from my heavy fat self. Yet i feel as though i am still as fat and ugly as i was when i started - i see no difference in my body now apart from the fact i can fit into smaller clothes. But i keep looking at the label, convinced that as i see my old body then they must be my old sized clothes.
Today has been quite busy for me! I was woken 15 minutes before my alarm by the builder. He was 1 hour and 15 minutes early than the time he was supposed to arrive! I let him into the conservatory to do his work and went upstairs to get changed. WIthin 5 minutes of me changing and 'resting my head' i had dozed off again! The next time i woke it was 10.30am and my grandma had also arrived early, but only by half a hour this time. She collected the placecards and then we chatted for a while. I was dreading her suggesting that we go out for lunch but luckily she didnt bring it up.
After she went, it was nearing midday. I came upstairs and dozed off again. I know it was incredibly lazy of me and i probably didnt need more sleep, but it did turn out to be good timing because before i went to sleep i felt my stomach pains kick in. Today i got quite a few phone calls which meant i had to keep waking up. When i finally got up it was 2.30pm. I made a few phone calls to my uni - they all refered me to other people, but i think i might actually be getting somewhere with accomodation! we shall see...
Then i cracked on with the table plan that will go in the reception room. I was just about to start the ironing when my mum arrived back an hour earlier than usual. She said she wondered why i hadnt started on the ironing, and i explained she was early! Anyway, she didnt moan at me about it much and eventually took over from me when i went upstairs to get changed for circuit training.
Yes! Circuit training! Finally a day where i actualy HAVE done exercise! Its pitiful - it really is! But i know its always the tuesday that rocks the boat, because i tend to find if i do exercise tuesday then i do well with exercise for the rest of the week, if not then i find im lax in that department. When i was doing the circuits though, i lost my breath really quickly. Not in a normal out-of-breath unfit sort of way, but i have asthma and it doesnt surface very often so i dont have anthing for it. My mum thinks its a load of rubbish - unless im physically to the point of obvious ill, she thinks nothings wrong. I had to stop a few times because it felt as though half my airway was blocked or something.
Mega good-feeling after circuits! I came back home and we got tea. I was going through all the options in my head of what i was going to have, and i was gutted to realise i had no more stir fried veggies left. Also, i had eaten soup the other night and i was not ready to get an ear-bashing from the family if i tried to have it again tonight! I remembered i bought some relatively low cal sweet potato and sweetcorn waffles the other day. I had them with the rest of my cabbage in the fridge.
I felt slightly sore about eating the waffles because they were carbs. But they were the lowest cal thing i could eat at the time without arousing suspicions. As it was, both mum and my sister said 'is that all your having?!' at my plate of steaming veg and slim waffles. I replied, very indignantly, 'yes!'. But no one brought up anything about seeing anyone, or anything else about what i eat so it wasnt too terrible today. The worst days are when they try to argue with you over it!
Not much has happened since, im longing to go to bed now though. Mostly because i have a huge craving for the magnums downstairs in the freezer and dont want to risk it (despite the fact i could purge them back up), but also because i have work again tomorrow. Thankfully its my last day of work until after the wedding and i think im working with the really nice collegue today! Phew!
Err...however, ive just thought, she's the one that bought me the chocolate last time! Panic! At least im prepared now and hopefully it will be less of a shock! lol.
CALORIE SECTION:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
Nothing 0kcal
Tea
2x sweet potato waffles 234kcal
rest of the cabbage 30kcal
Snack
1 piece of gum 5kcal
Drinks
fruit tea 2kcal
pepsi max can 1kcal
water w. lemon 1kcal
CAL INTAKE TOTAL 273KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
Hallejuah! We have something to fill in the empty gap! lol
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
1 hour circuit training, hard 500kcal
TOTAL EXERCISE CAL BURN 500KCAL
So tomorrow im hoping for an easy day, works never much trouble and then the only meal i only have to worry about is tea. Also if, by some miracle, i end up in the gym then it will be a bonus! Its Thursday and Friday im worried about because the two days i most want to be good (the days before the wedding) they have the days off and will be hanging around at home! poo!
Lastly, some literature:
One of the best poetry quotes of all time:
'What world is this? What kingdom? What shores of what worlds?'
- i dont know if you can feel its power, but i believe it pretty much sums up the overwhelming aspect of life and depression.
Another quote in my journal that is the definition of depression, but spoken in the most beautiful language:
Extract from Hamlet by William Shakespeare-
'O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt,
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew
...How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
seem to me all the uses of this world'
Hope you enjoy and agree too
Time to depart. Cheery-Bye!
Poppy xoxo
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