As you have probably realised, this blog is very late in the day for me. In the UK at the moment it is 6.30am. I have stayed up all night distracting myself, so that there would be no chance of me missing the double exercise classes this morning. Usually i sleep in, and am in such a drowsy state, that any cal concious part of me isnt awake enough to protest against my lack of drive to get up to go to the class! I have taken some caffiene pills to stay awake and just have to make it through the next few hours.
I was going to go running at 5am as well, but i didnt realise how dark its got now its turning winter. Also some of our area is a little dodgy to be running around when its dark! So im hoping, after the spin and body conditioning class, i will tell mum that i will do 30 mins on the treadmill then walk home. Then instead of walking i will run and, if i felt brave enough, could do a circuit or two round the houses. But lets not get ahead of ourselves - one class at a time...
So, i really ought to back track to the days events to explain why its entirely necessary for me to stay up and do all this exercise. Well, apart from being fat and needing to get it of, food wise has been catastrophic today. But not in the same way it was on Tuesday..not quite anyway.
When i got up, it was already getting into the afternoon. My mum and stepdad had gone out to meet someone for lunch so i had the house to myself for a very short time. I decided i would start the day off on a good foot and weigh myself, given that i usually drop 1/2 a pound between the evening and the next morning. I needed the incentive especially given the fact that my stomach was aching badly.
I couldnt believe it! NO! I hadnt swayed at all from what i weighed myself on tuesday! i was mortified given how hard i tried on wednesday! In a flurry of disappointment and stomach pangs, i went to the freezer and ate my way through all the magnums. The worst bit was i didnt purge it all. I started then sat there in a heap of misery at my swift defeat - the day now looked so much crappier!
As it got to 1pm, my sister returned early from college as she had a shorter day. My grandma, who drove her back, came in for a while and chatted. Whilst my sister was making pasta for a late lunch, she said 'do you want some?'. i said no, then she got stressy with me and started saying 'you've got to have lunch!' and she'd huff (You'd understand how crappy and rubbish she makes u feel if you heard her). Then my grandma said 'yes jo, because we dont want you going to other way now do we' and my sister said 'yeah. you should go see a nutritionist'. I just rolled my eyes and agreed. I swear, though, if anyone says that to me anymore im going to tell them to FUCK OFF! Its my business and im fed up of people keep dictating about it.
When my grandma went, my sister was still going on about the lunch, so i said id have some when we got back (hoping she'd forget). We walked into town and had our appointments we made at the beauticians so that my sister looked beautiful, and i looked relatively presentable for the wedding on saturday! Then we walked home, and when we arrived back my sister was still on my back about lunch - there seemed no possible exit and i didnt want to be discovered yet. I think part of me actually wanted the pasta, like any mia does, and i suppose i had to give in to it.
I had a plate of cheesy pasta and felt so horrible after it. The only good point was that, not only did my sister see it, but my mum and stepdad walked in at that convienient moment. So they cant say im not eating lunch! lol. Afterwards i felt so horrible i wanted to claw it out! I dont rightly know what happened between then and lunch, probably plenty of mulling over of what had happened.
At 6pm, i was so shattered, for some unknown reason (!) that i fell asleep on my bed. At 8pm, i was woken by my stepdad saying it was tea. I woke feeling physically sick and depressed. The last thing i wanted to do was eat. I went downstairs and it was veg lasagne with a roll. I just felt continually ill, and even though i asked for a small portion and didnt eat all of it, i still felt painfully full. I went upstairs but felt so full that when i tried to contact my stomach muscles to purge it hurt too much to control them to get a good purge.
So i just lay there, desperate to do something. And this is where ive been since! Since 9am, when i got into bed, ive been going over and over again my plans to rid myself off the food id eaten - its now 7.30, so thats 10.5 hours so thats alot of thinking! I decided that if i went to sleep it was too risky that i fall asleep and miss the early morning double classes, so it would make more sense to stay up all night so i woudlnt miss them! Im sooooo tired but i must go. Also i cant go to sleep afterwards because otherwise it will throw my sleep cycle out the night before the wedding and i cant sleep in!
I have taken an extra caffiene pill and will take some more later on to keep awake. I think today is going to be a long one!
Also i forgot to tell you my results for my weigh in on tuesday, so here they are:
TOTAL LBS GAINED/LOST:
6LBS LOST
Now, i better go because im gonna have to go to my classes in a mo. Saturday is going to be a pain as well, but if i do enough dancing i can burn the worst of it off. Then sunday to tuesday i will try to eat as little as possible. cross fingers and toes for me please!
Speak soon - hope your all doing better than i am!
Poppy xxx
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