I couldnt resist this pic and thought that today i deserved a fluffy bunny clap!
Im sorry i was so depressing in my blog yesterday, but surprise surprise we all get like that sometimes and it never makes it easy despite how often we get these feelings.
Today has been a little brighter to me, although i still feel like im drowning under the tides of my life pressing down on me. Today has been as good as yesterday and im glad to have jumped another hurdle. Im sure you all know the feeling, but it always seems as though i can never get a full grasp of a rope thats holding me to a cliff edge, and no matter how many steps i take or weight loss the rope seems just as far away and each day i wonder if its the day i'll lose my grip and fall.
But enough of deep thinking for now, i shall tell you how today went. I cannot believe it - another balls up with work! This time i woke up late again at 9.30, when i was supposed to be working! Luckily the boss wasnt in, it was a more laid-back collegue so i phoned in and said id be late and as quick as possible. I bet you if i wasnt so needed for christmas and wasnt leaving in jan anyway, they would have fired me by now. I have no doubt on that score.
I finally got to work at 10.30am and got straight on with jobs. I hadnt brought my lunch with me today in order to beat yesterday. I felt like i'd been bad yesterday with my food which is why today i punished myself by not having anything for lunch. Also i knew i would feel awful come tea if id had stuff for lunch as well. I dont think i mind as much if the eating is infrequent, i.e. if i have lunch and no tea or vice versa or at all! I wish!
I had to walk into town to hand out menus to shops so both me and the person i was working with decided that we could roll both into one and i could have my lunch somewhere more interesting than the wall round the back of the building! I marched into town then handed out the leaflets. Then i walked all across the causeway and up a hill which must have taken at least 10 minutes, until i arrived at a nice patch. I sat down and wrote my cals for the day, sipped my pepsi max and then read for however much longer i had there. It was so nice though because i could just relax for a bit. Its my favourite spot up there - so peaceful.
Then i walked back to the shop which took 15-20 minutes. We cleaned some freezers out and i consoled myself that i was giving my muscles a work out. This seemed to work and gave me motivation to do more! lol. It was 3pm, and i'd managed to avoid the fruit and nut slice samplers all day, when my collegue gave me a wispa bar. Of course, having an ED is like having a radar for food and you automatically hone in dangerous foods around. I had spotted two wispa bars on the work top from the moment i came in and knew one was destined for me. I was so touched that she got one for me (because we had talked about it the previous day) and felt so ungrateful and horrible that i didnt want it (or more like couldnt have it). I kept spotting it and hoped she would just forget to give it to me so the situation and temptation would never arise.
But she did. I acted really animated and said thnx. Then i told her id save it until i'd had my fruit tea - cue me boiling one! I hoped she'd forget she gave me one and i could sneak out with it. Luckily she didnt mention it again, whether she forgot i dont know. We finished up at 6pm and my stepdad was there ready to give me a lift back home.
Back home, he told me he wasnt going to boxercise and mum had gone to the gym and was just coming back now. This meant i couldnt go because i had no one to go with as you need a partner for boxercise. If i had eaten lunch today then i would have been REALLY bothered, but i remembered that i had walked a bit today, and even though this wasnt good enough, i accepted it as something to do later.
I stayed in my room for as long as possible and lathered in the blackcurranty (new bubble bar! mmm) bubbles until i knew i had to go down for tea. I went down and added half a pack of stirfry veg to a wok. But it was mostly rocket leaves so when it was heated through all the leaves had shrunk and it looked tiny! I wouldnt have minded it but i knew as soon as i placed it down on the table i would be lectured so i was probably better to add what i want rather than to let others meddle. I added an individual packet of brocolli (35kcals) to the veg (20kcals) which made it look more substantial to my family.
I ate it, keeping one eye watching for any quick glancing looks in my direction. What were they thinking? I was afraid of what they thought because i dont want them to burst this bubble ive been living in. I want them to just keep their mouths shut until after December and then its too late. Afterwards, i went to put my plate by the sink and my stepdad said something. He said that i couldnt keep living off of soups, to which i heartily refuted that i didnt, in fact i only have them about twice a week so whats the problem. He said that i should go see a nutritionalist and keep a diary of my food to make sure im getting all the right nutrients. Balls! They are starting to twig and it makes me angry. He said it was because as im vegetarian my diet has changed and i need to make sure im getting the right things, but i have a suspicion that its a cover for the fact they can probably tell im not eating much.
I just acted as though it were a good idea and that i would go to the doctor about it maybe, or look someone up. But if they pester me about it, i'll pretend i went to the doctors with a food diary and she says it looks fine and i dont need to see anyone. Either that or i'll have to fake seeing the nutritionist, or go to the nutritionist and fake what im eating in order to get through it. Im hoping they will forget about it and if they remember it will be november or december and i can say, 'well its so close to Bath now that i might as well go when im back'.
Now im upstairs and that bar has managed to stay in my bag all night now! I mustn't eat it though, i cant - im on a roll now and if i break i will lose it again. Its better for me to say no bad food, rather than some bad food (i.e. none of the chocolate bar, rather than some of the chocolate bar), otherwise it just means i get a taste for the binge.
Im getting concerned about tomorrow now. My mum is having her 3rd hen night and, what a shock, its at an italian restaurant! I hate social events - they make me so nervous. Mum said she really wants me to come so i will but im scared about what to have. I managed to find the menu online and looked at it. But everything seems to have something i cant have or i dont like. I cant have pizza, pasta, any meat, cheese, oil, bread. I found the salads but the amount of stuff i'd have to ask to be taken off or put on the side is crazy! An example:
ARROSTO (SALAD)
Goats? cheese and plum tomatoes baked on focaccia bread served with roasted peppers, caramelised balsamic onions, artichoke hearts, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, marinated olives and mixed leaves drizzled with a balsamic glaze
So, if i was ordering this i'd have to ask for an arrosto salad without the bread, artichokes, olives, and goats cheese without the dressing. That leaves a mixed salad! I might as well just order that, but if i do my mum will complain im sure. But all the meals follow the same pattern, i cant have half the stuff with/on them!
The only things i can have as they are are:
Side Dish - Tomato and Red Onion Salad
Side Dish - Mixed Salad
Starter - Minestrone Soup
Oh dear. I dont know what im going to do. I might phone my mum and explain that im still nervous about the meal tonight. I will still come, but could i have a main meal now then have a salad at the restaurant, or have a soup before we go and nothing when we're there. Hopefully she will agree to one of the following and not be too begrudging about it. Cross fingers - you will find out tomorrow.
CALORIE SECTION:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
breakfast
nothing 0ckal
lunch
nothing 0kcal
tea
1/2 pack of stir fry veggies 20kcal
individual portion of brocolli 35kcal
1 tbsp of soy sauce 10kcal
4 sprays of fry lite 4kcal
snack
1 piece of gum 5kcal
drinks
bottle of pepsi max 2kcal
can of pepsi max 1kcal
glass of water with lemon wedge 1kcal
bottle of water 0kcal
CAL INTAKE TOTAL 78KCALS
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
40 min walk to work, brisk 100kcal
various walking around town, total 30 mins 70kcal
TOTAL CALS BURNED 170KCAL
Right, got to go now. Thanks again to everyone for their messages r.e. yesterdays blog - everytime i read one of your messages its like getting a warm hug. It really helps thank you.
Time to snooze,
Poppy
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