I dont quite know what to write in my blog today. Im feeling really low - like crying about nothing, anxious about everything for no reason sort of low. I hate this, i felt like this when my depression was bad but everything just seems to hopeless.
You may be thinking that another weight gain has caused me to think like this but it hasnt, in fact ive gone down in weight. Its just that if i cant give up sweets and junk food then i might as well die. What is the point of living if you're not thin? I cant carry on like a lump for the rest of my life, but i want to hurt myself so bad everytime i even think of food.
Today should be a good day for me (i only had 35.5kcals) and yet i keep seeing that i could of tried harder. That i was weak for having my jelly and 1/4 cracker for lunch, or that i was lazy for not going to the gym. I just feel so useless and hate myself for not trying as hard as i should and having such a weak will.
I want to fast - to let nothing touch my lips and then i wouldnt have to forgoe the risk of putting food in my mouth to begin with. Not having any is easier than some because once you have the taste its easy to carry on. To just say simply 'no nothing' is easier. I want to curl up in a ball away from everything - all sound, noise and light and just shrink, fade and disappear. But it frightens me that people are floating so far away from me like im on a boat into sea and slowly the figures of my family are fading into the distance and all i want to do is be safe in their arms. At the same time, i want life around me all the time. I cant stand thinking to much, and thats what happens when im on my own. Thats when thoughts creep into my head and hunger into my belly. I want to distract myself from the whispers of self-annihilation slithering across my brain.
I worked today and tomorrow. It seems to mundane and right now i wish id just leave - just go and not return. It seems to pointless to stand there and do nothing wating for non-existant customers to come in when i could be doing other things. That was what today was like. Speaking of thinking of doing other things, ive been so anxious the last few days its been keeping me awake at night for hours. The only thing that takes the edge off of my anxiousness is writing my blog every night, in which i can release some of my steam. I just feel like i want to cry when i think of all the stuff to do. To make me feel worse and even more unstable, the woman from my uni welfare contacted me when i wrote to her about accomodation. She said:
'as I said previously there is no guarantee of a vacancy, but we'll help you to get something sorted.'
I know you're probably thinking that they say that they will help me get something, but i cant go into anything but halls! I talked to the woman before i went into hospital in january and she guaranteed that there would be some spaces in halls in jan. I CANNOT go into a shared house - i just cant! Whenever i get into those situations, i become reclusive and it will be halfway through a year so everyone will already be friends with everyone else. It just scares me to the point of shitless (honestly its making me petrified thinking about it) that i might have to live in a shared house, i MUST get halls!
OMG! I so fucking stressed and upset and low right now! I really need a hug and for someone to tell me that its going to be alright. Im really worried though because if i have any more binge sessions like i did i dont know how im gonna handle it. I must confess something to you all - i have never lied before but on my last blog i did...
I told you my weight had remained the same, in fact it hadnt, it had gone up by 2lbs. This is what has made me feel so upset and anxous the last few days. Ive just felt so desperate and scared and have wanted to rid myself of the weight asap. Im already down the 2lbs that i gained so now i need to shift excess weight. I just want it all off.
It feels as though if i dig deep enough, somewhere inside me i will find the real me. I just feel disgusting and like this amazing person is stuck deep on the inside of this fat lump of flesh. It feels like sif i could just shrug off all this fat, skin, flesh then my true nature, the true me, my soul will be free.
Im sorry this blog is so depressing today but i just feel so upset. Im going to go off now and cry. I bet i'll be up for hours now despite being tired - i just want all the voices out of my head!
CALORIE SECTION:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
115g sugar free jelly pot 4kcal
1/4 of 995 fat free cracker 4.5kcal
Tea
Nothing 0kcal
Snack
3 pieces of gum 15kcal
Drinks
can of pepsi max 1kcal
can of lilt zero 11kcal
bottle of water 0kcal
TOTAL CAL INTAKE 35.5KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
40 min walk, brisk to work 100kcals
TOTAL EXERCISE CAL BURN 100KCAL
I've got to go now because i really feel like im going to cry.
Love to you all and thanks to anonymous for their message. I'm so touched that my blog comforts you, and i'd just like to say that, in turn, your messages comfort me. They act a bit like e-hugs! lol.
x Poppy x @-----
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