Today has been another rather odd day and after this blog im very much looking forward to cuddling up in bed and sleeping for a good 10-11 hours! mmm
So, i got up early again today because of work - this time i had actually managed to get 5 and a half hours kip! incredible! lol. I took 3 hoodia this morning because my stomach pains were quite strong.
Work was as per usual. I walked there and instead of my yoghurt for lunch i had a jelly pot which was only 6kcals! This meant i saved myself 69kcals than i would have had if i'd had the yoghurt! I LOVE jelly! lol. We got a list of all the things that would be arriving for chrismas and im telling you now - i will be buying some of these things. I will just have to purge afterwards because i dont think i will be able to resist them when they come into the store. We are getting christmas cake, christmas puddings, candy canes, gingerbread men, marshmallows, nut boats and other cakes and things! mmmm..... Luckily thats still a few weeks away before i have to panic!
After work i got picked up and when i got home i was really hungry. I was getting impatient for food and binge mood was starting to kick in. I decided that the best thing to do would be to weigh myself. It would mean that if i had lost it would be incentive not to eat because i was doing well, and if i'd gained then it meant that i had to try harder and not eat. But when i weighed myself it felt as though none of my hard work for the day had counted - i had actually gained 0.5lbs! I was so disappointed and i think that is what triggers my binges.
I think that when i see that i havent lost after all the hard work of not eating, my 'all-or-nothing' mentality kicks in and somewhere in me a voice says 'what the heck! why put the effort in then?! you might as well eat loads more!'. Thats how it felt in that moment. I had planned to have a stirfry because its very low cal, but i decided instead to have a soup. When i was in the kitchen i, in this impulsive mood, hastily grabbed a roll and stuffed it. Then i had the soup followed immediately by an ice cream. i knew right from the point i chose to have the ice cream that i was going to purge. I was at a fork in the eating road where i had to decide between living with the cals i had consumed or taking a risk, eating more then purging - i purged.
I didnt purge all and for some reason i had particular difficulty purging the roll, so i just purged the ice cream and half the soup. I am not sure the hoodia worked today because i have felt just as hungry as i always do and have wanted food just as much! i will have to see how it affects me tomorrow.
****>>>>This evening i went online to do the grocery shopping. In fact, it would be a lie to say i hadnt done it all a few days before. The real reason for me going back on was because i had been dying to binge for at least an hour and clicking madly at 'bad foods' on the website is a good way for me to exercise my binging habits without danger of taking in any cals or actaully eating anything! I started adding things to my basket and the idea formed in my head that i would buy stuff for a proper full on binge / purge session. added the following things to my basket:
- 2 slices of chocolate brownie cheesecake
- a bag of rolo cookies
- a box of mini doughnuts
- a pack of 2 chocolate and caramel eclairs
- a chocolate muffin with marshmallows
- a packet of 6 scones
- a 1ltr tub of golden syrup ice cream
- a tin of quality streets chocolate
- a squeezy bottle of caramel syrup
- 2 packets of salted crisps
- soured cream and chive dip
At the moment i have confirmed the order however i can cancel or change it at any time up until the night before the order will be delievered. My idea behind it was that if i knew that i had a big binge coming i would be able to exercise better constraint against binging and picking other times. However im also petrified of that order coming because then i will eat all that stuff. Im so worried because i know i have no control over whether i eat it or not and when i eat it, im scared i wont be able to get it all out and all the calories out.
So - i dont know what to do! Please help! I need as much advice as possible! Do i leave the order (see above*) and accept the binge as long as its the only one this week? Or do i change/cancel it and risk binging before that time? Im so at odds - the ana side and mia side of me are playing tug of war with my brain, its so conflicting!
So for the last few hours ive been chatting on prettythin, and theres now a nice long list of yummy bad foods where lise lotte and i have just listed all the foods we miss! lol. We just kept going!
CALORIE SECTION:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
pot of sugar-free jelly 6kcal
Tea
1/2 parsnip and squash soup 100kcal (part b/p)
roll 250kcal
mini ice cream b/p all
Snack
Nothing 0kcal
Drinks
fruit tea 2kcal
2x pepsi cans 2kcal
pepsi bottle 2kcal
bottle of water 0kcal
TOTAL CAL INTAKE 362kcal
EXERCISE SECTION:
*Exercise begins on Sunday, unless my partner can't make it, in which it will resume for definite on monday*
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
30 min walk to work, brisk 100kcal
TOTAL EXERCISE CAL BURN 100KCAL
Right, all done and dusted here. Hope you all had a productive day full of thin thoughts and weight loss! Im gonna go snooze now! Saturday tomorrow - DAMN! possible weekend parent-noticing-lack-of-food alert!
xx Poppy xx
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