This kitten is setting a good example to me! I must go against my instincts and in turn be a better person for it! If i dont eat today, tomorrow will be brighter...and thinner hopefullly!
Today is the last day of full eating before a new week (and also a new month!) ! Tomorrow i weigh myself and record it, then another week begins - i seem to be writing this an awful lot lately and nothing much happens the week following! Well - i will make a pact with whoever reads this, so if you ready this please add a comment to my blog or just sign an 'x' in the box then i know i must keep my promise as someone has read it - the more people the better.
THE PACT:
I will not binge eat this week
I will limit myself to purging only when completely necessary, i.e. i consume over 300kcal a day
I will not eat over 500, preferably 300kcals, a day over the next 7 days
This i pledge with every single fibre of my being and soul in the hopes that i can escape this wretched body.
So... that was a good start to my new week! Of course, i cant officially begin until after my weigh-in tomorrow but im anticipating it alot. Theonly problem is that i have to get up early tomorrow because a relative is coming round for a bit so i have to be up. It means hunger pains start early!
Today - well where shall i start? How about nowhere?! It started, it was rubbish, thank god its ending! I mean, its not so bad in the way that i sat at a table and was forced to eat cake all day, but it feels like it. I feel as though ive let myself down, yet again - hence the pledge above, which i WILL keep my promise to.
So i got up today and pretty much had nothing to eat for most of the morning but took my 72 hour pills all the same for 'lunchtime' without the lunch! Around 1.30pm i ate a pot of jelly from the fridge so i felt it was going ok so far. Then i got a phone call from a school friend that i havent seen in ages and i completely forgot that we were going to meet up. She came round a few minutes later and picked me up.
We went to a pub and she ordered a plate of wedges with dip, i declined to have anything. I didnt judge her or anything and i imagine we both noted each other eating or not eating because we have/have had EDs. She used to bully me in school and we had known each other a while before that. I have always partly blamed her for all my problems, and one day last year i got really mad and upset and sent her an email saying how i had bulimia and it has fucked up my life.
I was surprised when she sent a reply saying how sorry she was and that she had had bulimia and anorexia too. So meeting up today was interesting, although we didnt talk much about it. All i found out was that we seem, although completely different sides of the school playground table, to have both suffered with depression, self harm and have both been in a hospital unit for these things! So i guess we have more in common that i thought! lol.
Anyway we chatted and i watched in envy at the wedges. Then we went to another place for another drink and she ordered an ice cream, i again refused anything. I watched on until we realised we had been chatting away for hours and she drove me home. By that point it was 4.30 and 1 and a half hours until my family got home. I was desperate for some food and went into the kitchen.
I think taking the pill actually gave me an excuse to eat - i guess i used it as a reason to be able to eat more which was competely wrong. Luckily its the last day on the pill then i will have to go back to my weak self will and toughen it back up a bit! I ate a veggie finger roll and some wedges with low fat mayonnaise. I then had some ice crea, and ran to my room to purge it up. I only managed to get half out. So by the time my family came back, i was a bit of a mess inside.
I didnt let them see how in turmoil i was, and was all smiles for them. but inside it urt so much from stuffing all the food and i just wanted it out. I downed the last 6 pills from the bottle, praying that they would work some miricle and squeese out all the calories and fat. Im waiting on the results!
I told my mum that i'd had my lunch when i got back from my meeting with my friend and that i was now stuffed so wouldnt have tea. Thats another excuse wasted on a binge - if i'd saved that for a non binge day, i could have not eaten anything! So i got away with no tea therefore restricting the effects of the food.
Im worried about my weight loss - its not good enough. I need to lose more, quicker. Im not giving 100% therefore the results are not as good as they could be. I could be losing like half a stone or more a month extra and feel doubly better than i am now! wheres the downside to this plan?! Why arent i doing it right now?!
So, anyway that was today, bring on tomorrow - a new month and *cross fingers* another step on the scale...
Poppy @-'-,--
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