Being your own jailor - the shackles of self hate

  As much as i want to keep up the momentum of long prose-y blogs, i fear that today might be a bump in the road of that dream. I am feeling quite low and despondant today. This might have something to do with the fact i've only seen the inside of my bedroom walls since i returned from work at 12 midday.

  It's my own fault really - my room has become a haven from everyone, and a place of isolation and loneliness. Eating Disorders tend to enmesh you in your own little world, as i'm sure you're aware. Most people will, as a result, find that they are constantly removing themselves from the real world.

  The real world is my family and friends. Even as i write this, i have a lump in my throat. I haven't seen my parents since 12.30 and i only spent enough time with my sister to bolt down my food before my ED curled it's hand around mine and yanked me away. I haven't seen my friends in ages either. I think i will make a big effort in the dawn of this new week, to get in touch with friends and meet up. Also i will try to make sure that my family feel apprieciated in some way.

Well...that moment was actually somewhat unexpected. I wasn't planning on saying all that. I'm going to crack on with today's events before i fall asleep on the keyboard.

Oh, Buck-it!
  Somewhere in the distant recesses of my mind the 5am alarm sounded, i turned it off. As the fuzz of my room began to focus, i wiped my eyes, got up and glanced at the clock - 5.30am. I nipped to the bathroom and got on the scales - i was another lb down! i had reached my second goal of 122lbs! But along with the initial buzz came the cold dread that i wouldn't be able to sustain the loss if i wasn't good.

  I got ready for the breakfast shift at work and, due to the 'rents wanting a lie-in, i walked to work. The frost was still in the air so it was FREEZING. To me anyways... I had to double wrap my cardigan over me and walk fast. I HATE the cold, which is going to make this winter awful given my weight loss and general lowering of temperatures.

  I got in the warm, and made sure i stayed vitually glued to the toaster and its heat. As i was pushing the toast through the toaster and polishing silverware i remembered something that made me cringe: I have forgotten to empty my bin (aka. sick bucket) before leaving home. It was the most important thing i had to do that morning and i had forgotten. I cringed because i knew mum would have already found it and have ad to empty it. That thought made me really ashamed. Fuck.

  Here I go again, On my own
  After i finished work at 12 midday, i picked up my sister's lunch for her. I bought more bad things for myself - yes, i know. I give you full permission to eye roll. When i went into the shop, i spent a good 5 minutes looking at the back of yoghurt cartons to see if there were any low cal ones that were vegetarian. I had no luck and gave up. I bought more munchie cake bites, a large to-share bag of minstrels and a bag of salted cashews. I met my parents and we went home.

  Once home, i burrowed away to the seclusion of my room. My bucket had been emptied. I'm telling you now - the sooner i get back to work the better. All this free time is making me more reclusive and having bigger binge/ purges rather than restricting. It's because i have nothing else to do. It's no excuse i know. I came downstairs briefly, although bregrudgingly to sort out some necessary paperwork. I was in a snappy temper then, and that was mostly due to the timing of the request to go downstairs.

  Cashew see i'm busy?
  I had been in the middle of a binge, you see. I can't even remember what triggered this binge - it all sort of bleeds into one another like a rained on watercolour. I ate the cashews and then some of the munchie bites. i was having a hard, but not impossible time of purging them when my mum asked if i come downstairs and do the paperwork. Well, you can imagine how i felt - pissed off, even though it was a reasonable request. But the reply, 'NO! Go away, i'm purging!' doesn't go down too well. Hence the reason i didn't go with that option, i simply went downstairs, hoping that if i complied i'd get away quicker.

  It was quick and i was safely installed in my room again. A short while later my parents went out for a walk. I slunk downstairs and made a cheese sandwich with crisps, followed by an ice cream, and chocolate bar, and the last of the falafels. Now you can all join in for the chorus - 'and then i purged it'. I weighed myself again and made sure i weighed the same as the morning.

  By the time evening came, i had been in my room watching dvds for hours. I feel awful for being so lazy and selfish today. My parents only came back breifly before going out again, which left me to suffer dinner with my sister. It's the dinner part that gets me, not my sister. I just feel sorry for her that her only dinner partner comes down to cook the meal then rushes off upstairs without saying a word. We had the whole works and, as i just stated, i then rushed off upstairs, munched my way through half of the pack of minstrels i bought and...well, you can sing the chorus yourself.

  It may be a fleck of gold in a mountain of rubble, but i feel slightly good about the fact that i managed to stop eating the packet of minstrels. I think it was due to the fear that i might actually put on weight.

  FOOD DIARY

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  PRE LUNCH PURGE 1#:
  A Bag of Salted Cashews
  A Box of Munchie Cake Bites

  LUNCH / PURGE #2:
  A Cheese Sandwich on Thick White Bread
  A Packet of Salted Crisps
  A Twirl Bar
  1 Falafel Bite
  1 Magnum Gold Ice Cream

  DINNER / PURGE #3:
  Quorn Gruyere Escalope
  Mashed Potato
  Peas
  Vegetable Gravy
  1/2 To-Share Bag of Minstrels

  TOTAL: Unknown

  So now i'm tired, grumpy and repentant. Hopefully tomorrow will be a happier day.

  ...x Poppy x...

  Ps. To Bonnie: Glad you like the layout. I figured the snail was an accurate representation of how fast my weight loss feels to me! Good to hear you have a plan - What sort is it? What's involved? Keep me posted :)