Eating Disorders are Scary Things

 Things have got a bit more serious today and i'm here to dutifully report it. At length, due to this, i am feeling exhausted, bloated and unhappy. I will write my blog as usual and i'm sure you'll see in due course, what i'm talking about.

 
  So, i got up a little later today at 11am. I have been finding that i've been dozing back off to sleep more often recently. When i did get up i weighed myself - i had remained the same. This didn't surprise me or worry me, as the weight loss had been sudden anyway.

  I had to force myself to have a shower, as for some reason this is something that i am finding difficult at the moment. It worries me, as i remember when i had serious depression, i started neglecting to wash and couldn't face doing anything. I don't want to get that bad again.

  After the shower, i went downstairs and, without even stopping to think, began making my first binge / purge of the day. I cooked it all up and sat in front of the tv eating it all, followed by an ice cream. I had bought a bag of pretzels the day before because i really fancied them, and now i ate the entire pack, along with a snickers. Then i purged it all.

  Following that, i went on my computer for a while before deciding that i needed to pop into town before i went walking with a family friend. One thing i had to do was go and get my watch links removed, because as it had always been too big, i'd never worn it. When i took it in, they had to remove 5 links! The jeweler told me in a joking manner, 'Isn't it time you grew into an adult?!'. The watch does look really small admittedly, but i think my wrists are one of the areas that has just got really thin.

  After that, i went to the supermarket to pick up some more ice creams for home. I got a lift back to my house with the family friend, and put the ice creams away. I wasn't able to hide them like i did before because she was watching. Then i packed a bag with my bottle of pepsi max, and all my other bits and we went off walking. I was feeling thirsty all the way round, so had some swigs of my drink. I felt really tired and i could feel my heart pattiering away.

  The walk had been difficult, and i was glad when we were almost home. I decided to wait to have any more fluid until i was home. We were climbing the last hill when we stopped to talk with a friend of the woman i was walking with. We chatted away and the sun seemed really hot. My heart was still fluttering and i started to feel really sick. I remember thinking that i should move over to the wall and sit on it for a moment. Then everything went away from me and i fainted.

  The next thing i remember is the two women leaning over me, trying to get me to sit up. I couldn't believe i actually fainted - and in front of people. This was so going to find its way back to my mother. I couldn't stand so i sat on the curb and chugged down some of my pepsi max. They got the car and drove me the last few minutes home. When i was at home i apologised profusely to the family friend. She said she was just concerned. I had a pint of squash to fill me, but i still felt shaky and sick.

  In the end, the friend stayed another 45 minutes until it was 5pm, then left. I had a seriously sore left buttock, and still do now, but apart from that i was unscathed. I quickly cleaned the bathrooms, as i'd promised my mum, then went on the computer.

  When my mum got home, she sat and had her tea, i sat with her. I was going out with a friend in the evening so i didn't have anything with her. I disappeared for a bit and when i returned, i could tell she had got wind of what had happened. She asked me why i hadn't told her, and i said it was because i knew she'd be told by the other person. I told her it was because i hadn't anticipated the hot weather and i was dehydrated. She said she knew that wasn't the truth and people who are thirsty don't just faint. But i'm pretty sure i did faint from dehydration, it's just that it wasn't simply from a lack of drinking enough.

  She said if i had been underage, she'd have been able to do something by now, but because i'm older she can't. I find it odd when people say they 'don't want to lose' me, because all i can think is 'i'm not underweight though. i'm not anorexic, so i'm not serious'. Although i'm sure if i did get underweight, i'd think of another excuse.

  At 6.30pm, i went out with my friend. I was still feeling really shaken at the reality of it all and my instinct for survival took over. I ordered a drink and a bowl of chips when we were at the pub. My friend had the same, and i felt a bit better because she had an eating disorder and she was eating it too. I noticed she left some though.

  When i got home at 8pm, i was still thinking food, so i had crusty bread with cheese and lettuce, then i thought i'd top it off with a magnum. I had expected to discreetly sneak upstairs at this point, although something in my brain told me it wasn't going to be that easy - not after this episode of fainting. It wasn't - Mum stood upstairs, waiting for me to go downstairs with her. When i realised i was not going to be able to get away with it, i felt really helpless and got in a panic about not being able to get my knitting out of it's box. We hugged again and i said 'i hate this'. If i'd have realised that i was going to be under supervision, i wouldn't have eaten the bread or ice cream, most especially the ice cream.

  I went downstairs, with the ice cream swilling around in my throat. It really was disgusting and awful, especially given that it's been ages since i've actually let anything sit in my stomach. I knitted away, my sister has decided to be pissy at me and give me the cold shoulder. I think she's angry at me for fainting, and that only makes me madder at her.

  When 10pm hit, we all went upstairs. In the seclusion of my room, i couldn't help it anymore. I had to find somewhere to purge the little amount that i could still feel weighing down my stomach like lead. I knew purging into my usual place was too obvious, as mum would probably check that the next day to ensure i didn't do anything. Instead, i emptied out one of my hairgrip containers, which is a tiny tupperware box. I purged something into it - what it was, i'm not sure.

  I can still taste the grease of the chips in my breath and my throat though. It is the most repugnant thing, and i want to claw it out. My stomach is bloated and hurts. I now have no control over what i weigh tomorrow and that thought is killing me. I know i'm going to increase, it's a certainty. I am already thirsty, and one thing i've learnt is to drink. But i'm too afraid of the increase tomorrow to have any now.

  My pulse has whizzed from 52bpm to 76bpm, which, although now in normal range, still shows a worrying increase in heart rate. I don't know why though.

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE #1:
  Plate of Cheesy Pasta with Tomatoes
  1 Magnum Almond
  1 Snickers Duo
  1 Large Bag of Salted Pretzels

  TEA / [partial] PURGE #2:
  1 Small Baguette with Cheese and Lettuce
  1 Magnum Gold

  SNACK:
  1 Portion of Chips with Mayonnaise

  Totals: Don't want to know

  PS.
  Sarah - Glad your day has been good. I guess one day can be as different as the next, as we've seen today! I think the hand spasm was just me with cold hands - i have Reynauds, which is where you get limited circulation to your extremities such as hands or feet. I usually get it worse in my feet, but mum said my hands and nose were cold today as well. Yeah, i love my family but it's difficult when all you want them to do is butt out. I know they only care, but it fights against everything my head is telling me. How about you family? Are they understanding?
 
  Bonnie - Thats so true how eating disorders are like drug addictions! I always worry people think i'm being melodramatic when i say that, but it's so true! It becomes a fix you must have in order to feel better, and when you don't you get anxious and panicky.
  That's great that you are feeling better in yourself with this new detox. I think that's important and i admire you for ridding your body of that junk. It's not an easy thing to do when you're so used to popping a chocolate bar in your mouth!
  I think i'm going to experience the negatives of weight fluctutation tomorrow. I'm praying that a miracle might happen and that i don't put on, but i think it's inevitable. I mean, chips and cheese and bread then no purging? It's asking for it really, and i bet my body is going to enjoy torturing me and pushing my weight back up another 3-4lbs. We'll have to see if i'm right. I hate it when the body puts on weight for no reason because for that whole day you are then set in a bad defeatist mood. It sets the whole tone. How have you done today? Lost the lb?
  My family have ALWAYS been over-sensitive about food! They do understand what i'm feeling, etc, but i'm not stopping so, despite understanding they are now becoming infuriated. I don't blame them, but i'm finding it really hard to stop. I can't see a way to and i wish i could.

  Must go to sleep now, i can't stand feeling this bloat anymore - it's driving me nuts.

  x Poppy x