Cooking up a storm with a cake

 
  Firstly, i want to say a big thanks for your encouraging comments. It really does make me feel better that i'm not just typing these words out onto a cold unfeeling computer and watching them drinft apart into distant corners of the web. I really do take each comment aboard. I'll add ps' at the end of the blog.

  I have never known so much commotion and controversy of baking as i seem to get with my family. Just put a cake in a room with them, and a lot of the reasons for how i am with food become abundantly obvious.

I cooked a cake today, which started off as an idea for cupcakes then i decided to do a full on sponge cake. It was made with my friend in mind - her father almost died recently and is still very ill. As soon as they saw it, i could see their eyes flare. I had to calmly explain that it was for my friend. However, the cake was a little sunken, the buttercream pooled butter in the centre and i had no idea what it tasted like. In the end, i didn't risk giving a half baked sunken cake to my friend.

Before i went out for the evening, i noticed that a few pieces had gone. All i wanted was for them to enjoy it, and they treat it as though it's a punishment - something they have to endure. I said to my sister to feel free to have a piece. She glared at me as though i was something disgusting and said she had. She snapped that she really was trying to be good and that wasn't helping. When i said she didn't have to have any, she said it was the temptation and she wished i hadn't. It made me really upset, because all i was trying to do is something nice.

I'm pretty sure this has meshed into my psyche of eating. I mean, if my family get angry at me for cooking food and making sweet treats, that enforces the idea that food is bad. I must be punished for cooking, and am glared at for trying to put more thought and consideration into what i'm cooking.

Am i wrong in my assumptions? Am i being overly critical of my family? I just feel really upset by the whole thing. I love cooking and want to experiment, but i feel that i'll get slapped wrists and the silent treatment if i try to make anything else.

I have sort of done this the wrong way round, because now i need to tell the day from the beginning.



Change of Plans
 I didn't get up too dismally late today, and managed to get up at 10.15am. It made me uneasy just to think of the fact that it was only my parents and i in the house. I was expecting some sort of disapproving chat or pissed-off huffing by the end of the morning. The first 45 minutes of which i spent answering a constant barrage of texts.

  Both my driving lesson and my planned walk were changed. I decided that after my resolution to meet up with friends more, i would text them. I planned to meet up with one friend a day, and text some. Apart from Wednesday now i am meeting a friend each day (bar the weekend for work reasons). Despite the fact i always get a stab of fright when i think about stepping outside my comfort zone into a social situation, i know it'll be fine once i'm there. It'll be good.

  I weighed myself and was so happy to see i had gone down 2lbs! I don't know how that happened and i suspect that it means i will stay the same tomorrow. I'm always one for pessimism, and with weight being so precarious, i have ample chance to be right!

DIY Binge
  It wasn't long before my parents went out to meet friends. They offered me to go with them for lunch, but both they and i knew this was unlikely and i was left in the house alone. I knew what to do next. I was used to this routine now - it's as thoughtless and instinctual as breathing.

  I cooked some quorn pieces before putting them in corn tortillas with cheese, sauce and lettuce. I think because the whole DIY aspect of the meal and doing it every time you want another, meant that i didn't have as many as i'd wished. It was probably a good thing because they were an absolute nightmare to get rid of. In order to coax my body into action, i also ate ice cream. Then i purged it.

  But that wasn't quite the end, there was an encore. I suddenly had a strange compulsion to have a banana, so i cut one up and took it up to my room. There i ate it, followed by 1/4 of the bag of minstrels from the day before. I purged that as well.

  I got really paranoid that i hadn't got rid of it all and that i was going to have gone up again. I rushed to the bathroom and weighed myself again, only to find i hadn't. I decided not to push my luck, and put away the last few minstrels in the bag.

 The cake saga and meeting a friend
  The afternoon went slow and it wasn't until later in the afternoon that i decided to make the cake. Quite soon after i'd finished, my parents came home. They didn't say anything about the cake apart from look. When i saw the look, i had to say, like an apology, that it was for my friend. Anways, that went pear-shaped and now it's staying at home.

  As soon as we decided it probably wasn't best to give them the cake, i cut off a piece to try. I was convinced it was going to be dry, but it was soft and creamy. I was chuffed, but still made a quick exit upstairs to get rid of it. I'm still worried now that it has dampened my chances of progress for tomorrow morning. Before i went out, i did cut off a piece for my friend and have decided, as everyone at home is so displeased, to portion off pieces and give them away.

  I decided to skip tea at home as i had had the cake, and if my parents needed an excuse, i would just tell them that i thought we were going to be getting takeaway. I met with my friend and we chatted for a good while as it got dark around us (we were outside). She said to me 'You've lost a lot of weight!'. I am gone past the point of saying in mock suprise 'oh! have i?', because there would be no way that by this point i wouldn't have noticed! Instead i just say 'Yeah, i have'. In my tone, there is an inflection of 'duh'.

  We went to buy drinks from the local shop and my friend asked if i was getting anything alcoholic. I said no and clung onto my pepsi max. I wanted to but alcohol has too many calories and i couldn't guarantee id' be able to rid myself of it. As we left, i pulled on my hoodie over my 2 vest tops and jumper. I was going to get cold tonight, i could feel it.

  My prediction was right. I didn't finish talking with my friend until 9.30pm and as i waslked home my fingers went in and out of spasm. It was really bizzare like when you wake up and realise you have lost all control of one of your limbs.

  Now i'm home, warm and tired. Tomorrow's plans include another friend meet, a walk in the afternoon and i need to get the links taken out of my watch so i can actually wear it!

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE #1:
  2 Corn Tortillas filled with Quorn Pieces, Cheese, Sauce and Salad
  2 Magnum Original Ice Creams
  A Twirl Bar
  1 Grape
  1 Banana
  1/4 Pack of Large Minstrels

  TEA:
  Nothing

  SNACK:
  1 piece of Homemade Cake

  Totals: Unknown

  PS.
  1) Bonnie - my constant commenter! :)
      The food plan your on sounds fantastic! I must admit, i've been itching to buy a vegan cookbook just to try out some of the recipies in there. I think there's so much more awareness of what your eating when you are vegetarian, and especially vegan. Fruits, veggies and nuts all sound like good things. Do you allow anything else? I suppose it's a mass shop at the health store then?!
      Thanks for the advice on the yoghurt - i'm going to keep my eye out for it. I can't believe it, i was so gutted when i found out and felt so guilty.
     I can admire and apprieciate how difficult it must be for you to break the binge habit and continue with this plan. Just think of how good your body is feeling, it's like a detox. I wish i could, but i'm too stuck in my ways at the moment i think. What you are doing sounds miles healthier than what i'm doing. Keep going and good luck with it!

  2) Thanks for the virtual hug Sarah. It made me feel better to know that someone was rooting for me to hang in. I have felt better today, and hopefully the rest of the week will also be better now that i've planned to meet up with people. How's your day been?

  3) Glad you like the 'summery' feel Kristina! I think this blog might be the last remnants of summer because the UK sure hasn't got them at the moment! I am trying to keep to the colour, and decor now - it's actually quite difficult! Are you having to deal with the rubbish weather yet?

  Right, my bums dropped off to sleep and that's what i want to do now :)
  Please leave your scrawls, doodles, epithets and other meanderings below - they add smiles to my happy bank :) :) :)
 
  X Poppy X