Our New Home: Unpacking the Day

  ...We Have Landed!

  I hope you all like the new blog. I just think it looks so much tidier and more attractive. There is also a wider space for the blog writing so you aren't having to read a word per line! As time goes on i will add to this, and if there is anything you particularly want to see on here, let me know because it will go to the top of my list :)

 I am struggling to find some point to start with. It has neither been a day filled with obstacles nor has it been plain sailing, it has not been a good day yet it hasn't been a horrific day (where i gain and/or eat without purging). It has been a pretty mediochre day, so prepare for a load of nothing much. I'm afraid i can't say that today is the day when i got my eating back under control again. When i do, be ready for streamers, banners, large fonts - the whole caboodle!

  'Hi Ho, off to work i go':
 The night before,i had dutifully set my alarm for 5am so i had time to get ready and then read for 30 minutes or so. Do you think i could get up? No! I was so tired and in the end i set my alarm back and back until i had to roll onto my feet at 6.20am. I felt quite dizzy for a second, but, as usual, it passed as soon as i stood still. As the numbers on the scales flashed up, i did a silent whoop of joy. I had got to 123lbs! Another step acheived! In my journal i started in February, i made my second goal weight 122lbs, so i am keen to reach it.

  At work, i actually felt no attraction towards the food and found it easy to steer away from it. This might be something to do with the fact that i have stationed myself out the back, manning teas and coffees rather than watch over the buffett and people digging in.

  There is a potential reason for this new outlook on the food though. Last weekend i had a sudden compulsion to take some of the mini pots of condiments home with me. I had the feeling that if i took them and suddenly felt like apricot jam then it would be there and i wouldn't panic. If i had them, everything would be ok. Well, this weekend it was the mini boxes of cereals. These are fantastic because they are individually packaged. I took two different ones (on which i later wrote the portion calories). I can't explain it, but it's getting a bit scary, because whats next? shoplifting? crime just to get my kicks feels like a real new low.

  Time moved slowly for the morning, but i enjoyed the hunger pangs because i was too busy to do anything about them. At 11.30am, finished my shift and things shifted.

 Making work for idle:
 Once i was off work, i checked in on my sister who has been so busy in her job that she hasn't had time to get lunch. I said i'd go and get her lunch and set off down the road. It seems hypocritical that i am worried about her not eating and will buy her food, but i won't aplogise for it. I can't do much about myself for the moment, but i can at least use my knowledge of eating to aid others. I know how easy it is to slip into routines and patterns that lead to an eating disorder. As a result, i find i'm super heightened to signs and interpreting things.

  At the supermarket i pick up a meal deal for my sister...and the following: a bottle of pepsi max, terrys chocolate orange and munchies mini cake bites. I know, i know - i shouldn't. But i have a hording instinct, like the country is suddenly going to go into a munchie shortage overnight and i won't be able to eat what i want. I feel if i have the food then i will lose the desire to buy and eat them. It may not work, but it doesn't stop me acting like a squirrel when i get to the confectionary aisle!

  I drop the lunch off for my sister then pick up a few extra items before returning home. These items were more shit - a bar of Frys orange creme and a large bar of Green and Blacks caramel. Back home, i hide the food and change. I slip into a dress - it has become lose since i last wore it and i can move around in it. It isn't long before i decide i'm too cold in the dress and change into a hoodie that wears me like a potato sack. My parents are out and i know they are going to be out for a little while longer.

  I attempted to withstand temptation and divert my hunger onto a more acceptable low fat yoghurt. I take it carefully up to my room and actually look forward to taking my time with it. Then i read the ingredients: ...inverted whatchamacallit, colourings, aspartame, cherry bits, GELATINE,... Shit! I couldn't have it! My safety net of food had been whipped from under me! I go downstairs and check my other yoghurts - all have gelatine. I can't believe it, i had been eating those without realising. I cannot feel guilty because i can't do anything about it now, but its another thing off my list.

  Left with nothing, i binge. Despite the fact it started off as a simple lunch and purge, it built into the largest purge of my day. All my foods i had bought, sans the chocolate orange, was hoovered up by my irrational need and i purged it all. I ate the bread, tortilla and falafels in my room and it was at this fatal point when my parents returned and asked that i help with some housework. I didn't panic because i wasn't busting with food so the feeling of wanting to purge was manageable until i was alone again. The job took 10 minutes at most and placated them. Once that was done, they went back out for the afternoon and i binged / purged the rest as well.

  In the balance:
  My day is a constant exercise of getting on and off the scales. In the morning i weighed myself 4 times, to allow for an average weight and to check accuracy. After the binge i jumped on the scales again. They read lower than the morning and i was so happy but also worried that the result was faulty. Altogether i weighed myself 6 times. After satisfying myself for the time being, i got off the scales and settled down to an afternoon of reading and the internet. Surprisingly, i have not ended up with a food fascination today!

  My sister came home around 4pm. Things became increasingly tense when we were asked by our mum to take our pet to be groomed at the last minute. My sister hadn't been home long, we overcame the difficulty of money by saying we'd have to stop in town, then the carrier was soaked and we couldn't find a substitute, then we left the envelopes at home to put the money in. Things got really horrible. But on the way back in the car, my sister apologised and said things just got really tense. She said she fancied chocolate, did i think we should get any. I said i didn't mind. I mean, if i get some i horde it and don't eat it with people, if i don't then it will save me another b/p. In the end, she said she was trying to be good and we drove past the places. I bet to myself that she'd change her mind later on.

  Faking Friends:
  As the afternoon turned to the evening, my parents returned. I haven't seen them properly since lunch today. I didn't come out of my room really and i feel really guilty for that. Before i knew where the time was going, it was 7pm. My parents left for a party and my sister and i were left in the house. She suggested tea and i realise i don't have the will to start up another argument by refusing. If i say no, she gets lonely and eats tea alone, and kicks up an almighty strop. So i say sure. Here comes the excuse - i say i will have tea but i have to get back online for 8pm to speak with my friend abroad because of time difference. Talk about inventive! Eating disorders certainly get you using your imagination!

  That gave me 20 minutes to cook the food and eat it. It was long enough to eat with the proper decorum, but without the food having time to settle. I had pasta, as did my sister and we ate it together. I felt awful, because as much as i wanted to sit and enjoy the evening with her, i had a bigger need to go to my room and purge. This need formed into purge #2. On top of my tea, i ate the last of my bought foods - the chocolate orange. Thus my horded foods go back down to 0, unless you count the cereal.

  On the scale, off the scale. I decide not to drink anything else this evening/night so as not to jeapordise my chances of getting lower. I am feeling quite horribly guilty now because for the rest of the afternoon i left my sister on her own downstairs. It's not that we aren't used to having alone time, but i have flaked out on our sister nights so often recently. It's usually because they involve large amounts of food and not being able to escape to purge. I will have to find a way to make it up before she goes...

  FOOD DIARY:

  BREAKFAST:
  Nothing

  LUNCH / PURGE 1#
  1/2 Tortilla
  2 Hunks of Crusty Bread with Butter
  1 Fry's Orange Creme Bar
  1 box of Munchies Cake Bites (15 Squares)
  1 Large Green and Blacks Caramel Bar
  1 Tropical Solero Ice Cream
  2 Falafel Bites

  TEA / PURGE 2#:
  1/2 Pack of Asparagus Tortellini
  Mixed Salad
  1 Hunk of Bread with Butter
  1 Terrys Chocolate Orange

  Snacks:
  Nothing

  TOTALS: Unknown

  Another day done and dusted. Not long before i go back to full time work, then i'll be able to restrict easier and get a hold of this monster thats raging in me.

  Please use this new blog as an opportunity to introduce yourself, and make your opinions know, albeit not overtly rude ones.

  Welcome to all,

  X Poppy X

 [By the way, i want to thank whatever god in human form created blog automatic saver, because my computer conked out on me halfway through this blog and i could have lost it all if it wasn't for that!]