Hope you are all doing well today.
Its been an ok start to the week and i hoping it will pick up as it goes along.
Its 3.30am now into the next day and im still in my clothes. My pyjamas always seem to tight for me now, even if i strech them, so i dont like to wear them. I hate tight clothes.
I got up early this morning because, as you can imagine is my only reason for getting up early (!), i had to go to work. It was a bit of a rush because i had to take all my pills in the am - i have to take 9! But its all for a good cause! After that i couldnt find my work trousers, and i have recently thrown my bigger sized ones away because they no longer fitted me. So i was in a panic because they were the only ones i had!
Yes...you heard right! Ive had to throw out clothes that are too big for me! I managed to get a whole bag uptogether of things, it was my way of saying that i would never be that size again.
I walked to work in 30 minutes again - im getting faster at that! The time passed wuite quickly, despite having only 20 customes in the whole day (!), because i was working with someone i liked. I find it easy to chat with her. Now - id been taking the hoodia by this point, and i must say that the stomach pains are less obvious. I didnt even notice, but i still CRAVED food badly. I dont know whether it improves, but for the moment its just the huge hunger pains that subside slightly.
We ate lunch together so i couldnt get away with the fact i only had a yoghurt. She commented but i said that i had actually had breakfast today so my body was adjusting and i wasnt hungry. What bullpoop i come up with! lol.
My cravings were still growing and that last hour was THE most painful ive ever gone through. Not hunger-wise, but just using my self control to not touch any of the food around the store. It was hard - but thats something that long term anas have to deal with everyday i suppose. Its hard getting out of a mia mindset when your in it for so long - i always saw food as something i could eat, but i just couldnt keep in, like it was tainted. I guess i'll have to change my outlook more.
I got a lift home and my mum was still in a mood with me. I really want to scream at her - i dont know why she was in a mood with me today, because ive been at work so its not like i could have done any housework!
Anyway, putting family issues to one side, i went to have a bath. We've always been relaxed in our household, so us girls usually come and chat to one another when we are in the bath. But i have to be so careful recently due to my scars and, even though im not underweight, i dont want them to size me up too well and work out too accurately how much ive lost!
Tea came along and i INSISTED on cooking my own food. I began to search for the frylite spray (1kcal per spray) to put on the pan, but i went into panic mode as i realised we had run out. My stepfather acted like it was nothing and said 'oh well you'll just have to use some of this' and poured some oilve oil over the pan! I felt like crying, i still do! It gives me a lump in my throat! I was so mortified, but just had to pretend it was nothing! Who puts olive oil in a pan and thinks nothing of it??!!! Its so infuriating and upsetting!
I ate all my veggie stirfry then left to go upstairs. I have no idea really what ive been doing since then, something on the internet i suppose, but i really ought to get off soon so, 1. you can then read this! and 2. so i can go to bed! Thats more important! lol
Exercise has been the only area ive been disappointed in today - the weather has been really grotty tho. But tomorrow its like a given that i go to the aerobics class, then thurs i have two classes and the same friday. Basically after tomorrow im pretty much booked up exercise-wise until next week! yay!
CALORIE SECTION:
MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
a low fat yoghurt 80kcal
Tea
capful of oilve oil 100kcal
veggie stirfry 70kcal
Snack
Nothing 0kcal
CAL INTAKE TOTALS 250KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
30 min 1.5mile walk to work 80kcal
EXERCISE CALS BURNED 80KCAL
ADVICE NEEDED!
I want some advice you guys because theres a possible situation coming up on Saturday and i want to be prepared. My mum is having an early pre-pre hen do and its just going to be a meal with lots of friends at a pub. Last time there was a big meal like this i had a panic attack and i can even feel my throat constricting a little now at the thought of it! I need advice as to what would be safe to eat without looking obviously 'im on a diet'-ish because my mums way too suspicious enough and i dont want to make her unhappy and distracted on her do. Any suggestions welcome, please its REALLY IMPORTANT...
Must go now. psps. what do you think of my new backup plan for eating? I'll keep on modifying and changing them till one works because one of them will!
PLAN FOR EATING -
PILLS:
Morning before brekkie -
1 x multivitamin
1 x iron pill
1 x cod liver oil pill
2 x sea kelp pills
2 x hoodia
2 x lipovox
Afternoon before lunch -
2 x hoodia
2 x lipovox
(after lunch) 3 x proactol
Evening before tea:
2 x hoodia
(after tea) 3 x proactol
Nightime:
(optional) 2 x nytol
OR 2 x syndol
avg amount of pills taken in a day > 23
Other pills i have but dont take:
over 70 fluoxitine pills
Breakfast:
One weetabix (64kcal) with skimmed milk (10kcal), cut with water (0kcal)
Lunch:
100g of low fat yoghurt (59kcal) with 2 teaspoons of sweetener (2 x 2kcal=4kcal)
2 baby tomatoes (2 x 6kcal=12kcal)
Tea:
vegetable stirfry (70kcals)
OR
tofu with salad (70-80kcals)
OR
soup (80-180kcals)
OR other low fat options to be brainstormed
Emergency Snack:
carrot batons (using all the carrot) (20kcals) with a teaspoon of mustard (5kcals)
OR a hot chocolate with hot water (40kcals)
Right, now it REALLY is time for goodbyes!
Speak tomorrow,
* PoPpY x
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