I know i missed a blog and it sucks but thats just an echo of these last 2 days for me!
I've got a stinking cold, a cough, a sore throat so bad i can hardly speak and im getting migranes most days. Its really horrible...and my mum still makes me eat! Perhaps i ought to come down with a sick virus as well - what i wouldnt give for one right now! lol
The only problem with being ill especially with a cold and cough is everyone tries to give you remedies and drinks. However, this does not help when you know that something like a honey and lemon tea may not have many, but it STILL has calories in it! So im not having anything that might be more cals than im currently having or that will jeapoardise it.
Apart from my lengthy list of viruses at the mo, the other reason for me not writing was the fact that my eating has slipped these last two days and, what with being stuffy and everything, my family wont let me go out and exercise. Ive already been told i wont be able to go with them to circuit training tomorrow but i also know that i havent lost as much as i wanted to this week and need to go. Otherwise i will turn back into a lump, and that CANT HAPPEN!
I think i may have come down with all this gunk because i have forgotten to take my multi vits, etc for about 2 weeks now! oops.
Anyway, onto the last two days. [I've just had to back-track 3 paragraphs because i realized i was writing about friday! oops! lol]Well, from the way things began on Saturday i thought it was going to be a good day. I went to work like i usually do and when lunch came along i sat on the wall the same as always and dutifully ate my shape yoghurt (75kcals) and Pepsi Max can (1kcals).
Towards the end of the day however, and im loathed to admit it, i sneaked a few pieces of flapjack. I was mortified but we then got really rushed off our feet so i had no time to sneak away to the bathroom and alieviate my feelings. I went home feeling dirty and unsatisfied by my greediness. I always think there's a horrible place in between a binge and restricted control which is worse than either of the extremes. This being so, when i do eat over what im supposed to, i tend to think 'why stop?' and use the opportunity to gorge then purge my food. It sounds wrong but its just a habit ive got into. Either complete control, or comeplete anarchy.
When i got home, i decided to have soup for tea and try to make amends but it was too late. When i was offered some garlic ciabatta bread i caved - rightly knowing that every single part of it was something i couldnt have - the bread, the oil, the butter...
I followed it all up with a large bowl of vanilla ice cream then went up to my room. As quietly as possible i puked as much of it up as i could manage and ended the session with a bar of choc i bought by accident earlier in the week. By the end i was slumped on my bedroom floor feeling like a complete pig. I hated myself. I then tried to get off to sleep as soon as possible, to save the disgusting feelings of fat seeping like butter around my thighs and belly.
Sunday (today) arrived with me not feeling much better, both in a fat way and in the virus sort of way! Mind you, i did not get up until 2pm, which i think i only managed to get away with because i was 'ill'. By this time, my mum and my stepdad had just come back from the grocery shop - i was really disappointed that i missed it though because i LOVE going food shopping. But never mind - i went online and ordered my food and its arriving tomorrow! yay!
So the actual productivity of the afternoon (i.e. what i actually did) is virtually non-existant. The day only seems marked by meals. Thats not to say there was many of them, just that its the only solid (haha) thing i remember about the day. As it moved nearer towards 3pm i hoped they wouldnt ask me about lunch but they did. I had to pretend that 'whoopsy! did i forget? Silly me!' and cheerfully make myself a cheese sandwich with crisps. When i started towards the stairs both of them said 'you're not going upstairs with that are you?', so i said no, i just wanted to get something.
I had to leave my sandwich downstairs and decided if the mountain wouldnt come to mohammed, then mohammed would go to the mountain. Instead of being able to take the food to my room and siply bin it, i would have to take something to the sandwich in which i can 'bin' it. I hid an large envelope inside my laptop case and took the case and laptop downstairs. However, then my mum decided she would do the ironing in the living room and set up the board. There was no way i was going to escape this - the only time she went out for a few seconds, i pulled off a bit of the sandwich and put it in the envelope, but that was the only chance i got. For the rest of the time i had to slowly munch my way through the ENTIRE sandwich!
Afterwards i went upstairs but by that point it was too late to purge, and a crusty sandwich aint the easiest thing to purge! believe me! Just quickly let me pull you out of sync with the days happenings to let you know im on a new slimming pill. I havent taken hoodia for about a week now due to my scattiness, but a new pill i ordered has just arrived. Its simply called the '72 hour pill'. Theres enough in a bottle to last you 3 days and you're supposed to take 5 (!) before breakfast and before lunch. I never eat breakfast so i do lunch and tea. Its supposed to be a diruretic type effect however i havent gone to the toilet incessantly today! I dont know if its working yet...
Back in time with today, time moved on and before i knew it tea was coming upon us. I decided to make it an early tea rather than wait until 8.20pm when my parents would have theirs. I hoped that my sister wouldnt have hers with me then i could bin it all and pretend id eaten. However she said she'd eat with me. So we sat down together and i had to eat the second pancake as instructed otherwise it would go out of date. Luckily tomorrow its stirfry - so v low cal! The only positive about tea was that i managed to sneak in salad instead of veggies so it was slightly less cal.
But whatever effect that had i ruined, because my mum had just bought a whole host of new ice creams. I ate a bowl of ice cream then this evening ive had another 2 lollies. So basically for a few hours this eve/night ive been purging as much out as possible and i can definitely say the ice cream is all out at least, and part of my tea.
At one point i was contemplating pushing it into a bigger binge phase and b/p ing the ice cream tub. However i decided it was probably best to weigh myself before then i might be able to gain some control over my situation. Luckily, despite everything, i have still lost (whatever its down to) and so i decided not to binge. Tomorrow sees a return to restricting. Ive got to - otherwise without being able to do any exercise i could baloon! :z
Im looking forward to when my order arrives because ive ordered lots of jelly - so low cal and yum! Ive also ordered more hot chocolate sachets which im stock pilling at the mo. I havent had a hot choc in a while because ive been binging so its not a treat, just making things worse. Mind you - the delivery man will probably be wondering what the hell kind of person orders what i have! lol
RANDOM INFO:
Song addicted to today - 'I Dont Care' by Fall Out Boy
Film to watch - 'The Dutchess' starring Keira Knightley
Im going to get some kip now because the delivery is arriving very early tomorrow - thats not to say i wont go to bed after it though! lol.
x Poppy x
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