Sunday 14th Sept:
So, this, as i mentioned in my temp blog before, was my binge day. I know id had a tough day previously with the hen-do pub meal, but the day hadn't started bad!
The day started off ok. I cant quite pinpoint what time i got up but i think it was just before 12 midday. I controlled myself for the next few hours until i felt i could have my yoghurt with sweetner. I went dowstairs and,so that my family would think i'd eaten, i put a roll, some cheese and a few dollops of ice cream into a bag then threw it away. After i ate my yoghurt, though, i felt unsatisfied, which i dont usually feel after eating that. It threw me off but i still removed myself to my bedroom. However it wasnt soon after that the chocolate bar i had bought the day before floated into my head and then my hands. Despite telling myself i would regret it, it dissapeared in a few bites.
Suddenly the mia girl took over and i had no control. When my sister got back to have her lunch, i couldnt stop myself anymore and stole away a bowl of ice cream and a solero. I scoffed them all then purged them back up into my bin. After that, my family went out again and i would have gone with them if i hadnt got into this cycle of b/p- because once im in that space i cant do anything other that focus on it.
My mum has to hide the cake bars from me now - which i dont mind so much because i dont actually WANT them. But when i was on the binge session i went into their bedroom and searched around until i found them, then i ate 2 individual portions with 2 cakes in. Then i went downstairs and found the only binging sort of food around which was crackers with butter on. I smothered 6, then 5 crackers with butter and ate them too. Then i went upstairs and purged all that as well.
By the time my family came home the last thing i actually wanted to do was have a meal and keep it down - i was at the last stages of my b/p. Luckily, they didnt want to sit down for a meal so i showed them i was eating something by taking some more crackers upstairs. Obviously i b/p ed those as well.
Finally when everyone had gone to bed, i finished off the tub of ice cream from the freezer downstairs and purged it back up. I still felt fat and felt as though all the calories from those foods were floating around despite purging. It was horrible. When i couldnt purge anymore, i tided my room and myself up and felt crap. I had done soo well not to binge for that long. I was a pig.
So - now you know why i didnt post anything to you. There would be no reason to post the calories on here because firstly, it would get me worked up again about how many were consumed. And secondly, i cannot be sure how many i actually digested, and how many i threw up. And that will freak me out as well.
Lets just say:
Calories - b/p, indefinate amount consumed
Exercise - nothing
Monday 15th Sept
Onto happier days, like today! Its been a better day today, mostly because i woke up around 2pm! I know - lazy of me, but i always find sleeping is the best way to get through hunger pains and food distractions. Its the nights that are the hardest because im an insomniac so im up alot of the night with my weak will failing me then!
When i got up at 2pm, i got a phone call from mum saying we had a dentist appointment at 4.45pm, so she would be back to pick me up at 4.30pm. That meant i only had 2hrs 30mins to get things done! I had put my dentists appointment off for ages and missed it twice. My cousin works there so i find it really awkward. Also due to the fact im mia, my teeth are really a personal part of me and my problems, and i swear one of these days i go he will find huge problems with them. The question 'do you make yourself sick?' will arise soon enough!
So, i quickly checked my mail, had a shower and did all the boring bits around the house. Then i cycled into town to do the important bits. Boots first for more teeth cleaning equipment so i could vigorously scrub at my teeth before i went to the dentist (i really didnt want him to find anything wrong with them!). Then i had to check out a childs birthday present for my mum. Finally i marched up to the supermarket because, most importantly, i needed to replace the ice creams i ate the night before.
I also got, as well as the ice creams, fruit tea for work - because they only have high juice and that can have quite a few cals in it. Also, more yoghurt. I was so tempted by thier handmade cakes and traybakes and cookies, but i just clenched my hands and walked past, because id just had a binge day - and look how well that turned out! *cough cough*
I cycled home with the stuff only for my arrival to be co-incided with my mums! I needed to get the ice cream away without her seeing it! Thankfully, she went upstairs to change to i slipped it all away in the freezer. We went to the dentist, and (i say with relief) he found no problems with my teeth, and even gave them a polish (cleans off top layer of tooth) to get rid of all my gunk! So now they feel really smooth! mmm...
Mum and I then went and had a drink in our local hotel, then were joined by the rest of the family. Mum at one point suggested a rich sticky flapjack (it was actually named that *gulp!*) but then she said i suppose we'd better not - and i emphatically agreed with her! lol. After drinks, we rushed back home and my mum, my sister and I all went off to circuit training.
It was hard tonight but well worth it. Also it was fun partnering up with my sister. I loved the skipping ropes although my bottoms kept trying to fall down! Note to self: Buy a smaller pair of workout pants! lol
Back home, i had a quick shower then made sure i was down in time before my stepfather decided to take the reigns on cooking and pour a load of oil all over my pan for stir fry! I sprayed it with some frylite (1 kcal per spray - i did 3), then shoved loads of veggies in. I managed to avoid any sauces that he was waving my way, although 2 teaspoons of soy sauce would have been nice, it was better and more low cal without anything.
The great thing about stir fry is that it looks as though you are cooking yourself a proper meal. However all you are having is heated vegetables! Not tainted with anything but maybe some v low cal spray. My family falls for it everytime i do it - they havent noticed how it went from me having 1/2 a pack of stir fry with quorn pieces and loads of soy sauce, to just 1/3 of a pack of stir fry and a few extra veggies.
I ate enthusiastically at the table, because then i think they are less suspicious of you than if you picked at it. When pudding came around they all had the new ice creams i bought which suited me fine - i think im dealling with pudding times better now, on the whole.
So, its the end of the day and im chuffed with my progress, although its partly me balancing out the damage from yesterday. Although sometimes if you eat more for one day, it straightens out your body's metabolism and you actually lose more! we shall see....
CALORIE SECTION:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
Nothing 0kcal
Tea
1/3 pack of stir fry and some veggies 40kcal
3xsprays frylite 3kcal
Snack
Nothing 0ckal
CAL INTAKE TOTAL 43KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
15 mins total, in and out of town cycling 100kcal
1 hour circuit training, hard 500kcal
EXERCISE CALS BURNED 600KCAL
Another day gone, then a week will have passed. As the week ends i always think i havent worked hard enough, or could have pushed a little harder. Perhaps i will have the chance to push that little harder next week, we shall see!
PS. Oooooooo! Before i forget, thank you ty for your encouraging message on the guestbook! I do hope things are getting better - its just a shame about the slips. Perhaps my 'little harder' for next week will be no binges at all?! Hope you are doing well - let me know!
x Poppy x
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