Me back at home and now my room is looking like an Aladdin's cave! lol
Im kinda going to use my blogs that i wrote for you while i was away as notes and mush those four days together. Actually, i deserve a slap on the wrists because i was only away for three but i was a little too knackered to write a blog. So i apologise for that!
I left home on Wednesday managing to miss breakfast and promising my mum that i would buy something when i touched down in Bath. Luckily, that meant i avoided the pitfall i made last time of going into the supermarket while on our way to the train station and buying food. Lunch passed by on my 2 and a half hour ride and i used the book i was reading 'Wasted' (mentioned in last blog) as some sort of affirmation for why i wasnt eating. While i was reading it, it would somehow guilt trip me into not wanting to eat. It would have seemed to be the ultimate hypocrasy to sit there reading that book with even a morsel of food on your lips.
Arriving in Bath i took a cab back to the house and spent an hour watching a DVD, getting hungrier and hungrier. Im gonna let my blog that i wrote that day do some of the talking now. Heres what happened next:
I got exhausted so fell asleep for a few hours. When I woke up the pains hadn?t gone. I went for a pee (cos I?d been drinkin loads of water) and weighed myself. Only 1lb lost so far...
As the evening went on I started getting more and more desperate for food, and I could feel my faithful friend, Mia, whispering over my shoulder. Images of warm sweet food flashed around in my head like a glitter ball of torture.
I kept seeing fish finger sandwiches, cake, chips, ice cream with sauce, cheesy pasta and chocolate! Finally I succumbed. It wasn?t even like I carried a conscious awareness of what I was doing. I felt like I was dream walking or like a robot that had been programmed to do something. I just picked up my bag and 9.30pm and began walking down towards the supermarket. Visions of the food still flashing in my mind. There wasn?t even a question that I was going to purge it. It would be The Big Purge.
I sped walked around the shop wildly grabbing at the food in my head, mentally ticking off the list. I picked up extra stuff as I walked around and dumped the stuff at the till. My small consolation from all those calories was that I walked to and from the supermarket.
When I got home I didn?t even take off my shoes. I dumped the stuff in the kitchen, began scoffing a double choc muffin while putting the fish fingers in the grill and dolloping copious amounts of mayo on the bread. I set the oven on and threw half the bag of curly fries onto the tray before putting that in. When I wasn?t shovelling muffin, I switched to a giant bar of galaxy I had also picked up. I took a bowl (to be sick in) upstairs with the fish finger sandwiches, chocolate, remaining muffin, bottle of pepsi max and plate of chips. I put on a DVD to distract me from the compulsive stuffing of my mouth and heavy pain in my stomach.
Eventually I got really sickly full and my stomach naturally heaved it out. It didn?t come in one big go though, and throughout the early hours of the morning I coaxed it out while finishing off the food. Finally after 7 hours of binging and purging I stopped.
I am now really tired although not so upset because I managed to get it all out. Its just typical of me to succumb to my mia tendancies though rather than hold fast.
Here is what I binged on altogether:
• 2 double chocolate muffins
• 2 fish finger sandwiches (4 fingers in each) in x-thick white bread and filled with full fat mayonnaise
• 390g bar of galaxy chocolate
• a large bag of curly chips
• A heaving plate of cheesy pasta (with half a block of cheese on)
• 2ltr bottle of pepsi max
All of this added up to over 5000 calories, almost 3 times the recommended calorie intake
After that i stayed up a bit longer, eventually falling asleep at 6.30am! Yes! My insomnia has gotten so bad, and my bedtimes so out of wack, that im falling asleep when everyone else is waking up for work!
I remember coming in and out of conciousness throughout the day, finally waking up at 6pm on Thursday! I cant be sure whether i just slept alot or whether i had passed out on my bed. But i just remember looking at my clock and thinking 'shit! the shops are closed now!'. I had wanted to go clothes shopping that day to get the next size down in shorts.
Side note: God! I hate shorts! Talk about showing off your wibbly wobbly thighs of jelly to everyone about town! ergh!
The reason i wanted to go on my own is because i cant have mum knowing i went down a size. She has to believe i havent lost any weight otherwise she will start to suspect and pay more attention to the fact im not actually eating much! I will then cut out the labels and tell her it upset me too much to see my size. She will be ok with that because we have done it before.
So, now that 3/4 of my second day had passed and i hadnt eaten anything. Heck! - i hadnt even been concious for it! I didnt have much else to do but get back onto my internet-less computer and continue to watch films. Eventually i, again, dropped off at some obscene time in the morning. I hadnt eaten food that day! yay! Less thanks to my self will, more thanks to a comfy bed! lol.
So, you keeping up? We are on day three now - Friday. This is inspection day when an agent from the letting agency comes and inspects the house. I am waiting for my ex-(thank god!)-housemates to get back.
FYI: I was really good over the days away and drunk LOADS of ice cold water. mmmm! Only problem is that the ice in the bottle melted in such a way that someone who saw it and didnt know, could suspect that evian are starting to give away vibrator-shaped gifts inside their bottles! lol. Sorry about that rude line - i just stooped to a very base level! Who am i kidding?! it was reli funny!
So not one, but both (unbenowest to me!) turned up for the inspection. I was camping in one of their rooms because they had already moved out and werent returning to stay. I wont even begin to start on them because it will take forever and doesnt have anything to do with my ED or what happened food-wise that day.
Suffice to say: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The woman came round had a look and told us what we hadnt done. Only for her to say that she couldnt sign the house off so we couldnt get our deposits back, because i was staying. This is despite the fact that i had let them know.
She left and we tirelessly cleaned for over an hour, doing the jobs she said we hadnt. There was one thing though, that i was a little cringed about when she brought up the things that still needed to be done in the house. She said 'the toilets also dirty, just inside, so if you could give that a wipe round'. CRINGE! how embarrasing. My housemates knew exactly why.
What got me annoyed and, frankly, a little upset was when, after she had gone, one of them said 'Thats really frustrating about the toilet. We had cleaned that really well before we went away'. They said it when i was in plain earshot! 1) Bulimia aside, when i was going to be staying for days at a time did they just presume that i didnt have a crap hole?! Was i just going to hold it in so i didnt spoil their precious toilet? 2) FUCK YOU!! (not you, the reader, of course, but them). I felt like saying that to them. How dare they make me feel ashamed. I couldnt help it and its only a bloody toilet!!
Anyway.... breathe poppy...breathe! They left in the end (with me almost pushing them out of the door i think!). I had a few hours to myself before my parents then arrived. They were arriving and staying the night, then we would all go back, with all my gear, the next day. I was really panicking because they had said we were going to go to the indian down the road, and their food is always so fattening! I mean a poppadum is 65kcals! The safest thing i could of had was yogurt raita (a dip) at 25kcals and that may have looked a bit suspicious! lol.
Luckily we decided on going to Nandos instead. For those of you who dont know what Nandos is, its a portugese place that serves alot of chicken, olives and salad! mmm. I hadnt eaten anything at all that day but i still had my wits about me to order something low fat, but that would avert suspicions. I chose a mixed salad (no dressing), with extra hot chicken pieces. I told 'rents that i fancied something different and 'a mixed salad on its own was just so boring'. lol (i have to lie). I also shared a few olives as a starter. I drank alot of diet coke as well and filled the glass right up halfway with ice chips. Mum kept saying it was nice to see me enjoying eating food for a change. I didnt tell her it was because it was salad and i could cope with that. If it was a chicken burger it would have been a different matter. Bye bye bun! lol
After main course, i excused myself and purged part of my food up in a frothy mess in the toilets. I then came back out and we ordered dessert. I dont know what possessed me to order a vanilla ice cream. I think it was the fact that i knew i was a very good purger of ice cream as i comes out very easily and smoothly. After the ice cream, i excused myself again and threw it up. I came out and mum asked if i had been making myself sick, i looked at her and said 'no!'. She said ok and i think i made a look that suggested that i was a little upset that she had accused me of something so crass. It was then i knew she believed me as she said 'sorry' and i could see in her eyes she did.
We wandered down to the supermarket because my parents wanted to pick up a bottle of white wine. Mum said she wanted some chocolate and wandered over, with me in tow, towards that aisle. She picked up bits: fudge, chocolate raisins. She asked me if i wanted anything and, i dont know what possessed me, but i picked up a chocolate bar. At least it looked like i was eating normal i suppose.
When we got home we all sat in the lounge and had a laugh. The fudge box was cracked open and before i knew it i had eaten a few pieces. I had already used the bathroom excuse twice, again and i would be getting the yellow card. I tried to think of a reason why i needed to go to my room. In the end i said i would go and get changed for bed. Changing, i purged the fudge.
On my way up the bed, i slipped the chocolate bar i had earlier picked up, under my top and said night to my parents. Upstairs, by my computer screen light, i drank my mug of water, and devoid of anything else to use as a sick container, i purged into my mug. It was disgusting and it was my favourite mug, but i just had to get it out.
I played games on my laptop and tried to get to sleep, continually tossing and turning. I watched some more DVDs when i couldnt get to sleep and eventually dropped off around 7am.
When i woke up it was most definitely day, Saturday to be precise. Moving day! I got up and began arranging with my stepdad what was going first, etc. I began to finish doing the last touches to the house and swept the floor (which took me the best part of an hour!). Workin those arm muscles! lol.
All of my stuff only just fitted into the car so, while my parents took the car back, i choo-chooed my way back home. Actually, once i was on the train it was a pleasant experience. I was proud of myself that day - i had missed parents full fry up breakfast in Jolly's store and told my mother i would pick up a sandwich from the cafe on the platform. I had even made up the flavour (lemon tuna with salad) not that she asked! Better to be prepared though!
I managed to finish reading 'Wasted' by Marya Hornbacher. If you read no other book on EDs, read this. I will be setting up a review page so i can give you my opinion on it and lots of other books and movies to do with EDs. I got off the train and got a lift home with my grandma. The rest of the day was spent whizzing (exercise!) up and down the stairs with my boxes trying to evenly disperse them about my box of a room! I nipped downstairs to make tea for my sister and had half a carton of soup...not bad..
Finally i indulged myself with beaucoup da interneting that night as i had been so deprived! lol. Ended up stuffing a chocolate bar later but purged it up into a box. Fell asleep at 6.30am this morning! again! bummer!
FINALLY! WE HAVE ARRIVED AT TODAY! - - SUNDAY!
I was woken up this afternoon by my stepdad - the wake up call 'jobs, jobs, jobs!' isnt the most encouraging to get out of bed! original, i'll grant you! lol. I got up around 1pm and did housework, just telling myself that i can go back to sleep after i've done them!
After the jobs, i decided as he was pottering around the kitchen, it would look good if i made lunch in front of him. I made a cheese and pickle sandwich, took a packet of crisps and a chocolate roll. I went up to my room and found a spare box and dumped all the food in it, put the wrappers back on the plate and took it down to the kitchen.
The rest of the afternoon drifted by in a haze of typing, books and writing. As tea approached i sneaked downstairs and checked out the calorie content of the food on offer. It wasnt too bad - 170kcal for one kebab. If i had a choice i would have just had the salad but i had to make a show of eating.
Tea arrived. I refused the rice and crusty bread. I only put one kebab on my plate and took more salad. I ate quite slowly which was lucky because when i got halfway through my second kebab i must have looked full as well because mum said i didnt have to eat any more. Also the grease fat they had caused on the plate put me completely off.
I couldnt purge afterwards because my family had pudding and i had to stick around for that and the cleaning up afterwards. I know i said that the kebabs were potentially under my daily allowance but the more i can get out the better because less calories.
So, now, im finally getting back into the swing of my blogs again! Tomorrow shouldnt be too bad because i havent got anything wrong and i can guarantee at least one gym session.
I was a little scared earlier on today because i have read more than one account of a girl dying in her sleep from bulimia. I wont give this up, but i think its the fact of it being so real, especially with the pressure on my chest recently. Also when i was little i used to have nightmares of dying in my sleep, i used to think at least if you are dying in pain you KNOW your dying. This doesnt mean im wavering but, i dont know, i just thought id bring it up i suppose. It was just something on my mind...
Do you guys think i shoud go to the doctors about my heart rate (58bm today) and chest pressure, without telling them about my rejuvinated ED? Or play it out a bit longer? Bear in mind im going on holiday in two weeks. Advice please!
So, as an overview, heres how the last 5 days have gone:
WEDS 25TH JUNE
• Binge (see above) at 10pm
- purged all
CALS 0KCAL
THURS 26TH JUNE
• Nothing
CALS 0KCAL
FRI 27TH JUNE
• A salad with strips of chicken (purged some)
• Vanilla ice cream (purged)
• 5 pieces of fudge(purged)
• a bar of galaxy chocolate (purged)
CALS 200KCAL (max)
SAT 28TH JUNE
• 1/2 a carton of soup
• a chocolate bar (purged)
CALS 150KCAL
AND TODAY....
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CALS
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
Nothing 0kcal
Tea
1 and a half kebabs 270kcal
a small salad 10kcal
Snacks
2 x pepsi max 0kcal
TOTAL 280KCAL
btw. i hope you all get the funny side of my title! lol. I wasnt trying to say that we are destined, at some point, to sucumb to fatty foods, i was just reveling at how true that statement is! God - do they shape our ends! lol.
TO LILY: Heya. Sorry you've had a rough time, i hope its going well for you now. Its never easy. Im glad to hear you're doing a website - we will have to start our own ring! lol. re the red bracelet - i sometimes use an elastic band and it helps if you think one day you might go off the rails, then you can ping it when you think of food. I am hopefully going to be posting some pics of red bracelets i've been doing up here soon to see if anyone would be interested in buying them.
Right, the birds are starting to call so i really must go!
Enjoy until tomorrow,
REMEMBER:
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.
Poppy xox
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