Well, i must admit, today had been a really bizzare day.
Im absolutely exhausted because ive been purging half the day. I'll just start from the beginning...
I got up around 11.30 this morning. Mum phoned me and asked if i was coming to meet her in our nearby city. She works there. This would mean i would have to get the 12 midday bus to safely get there beofre her lumch break at 1pm.
So, as fate would have it, despite getting frantically ready on time, i didnt have any money in my purse to get the next bus. Long story short, biked into town, got money, got bus and arrived.
I met with mum and she asked if i wanted to go for food or just a drink. You can guess which option is went for! .... do you have to ask??!! just drink of course! tut tut! lol.
So eventually we sat down after trailing round shops for a bit and then after a bit mum went. I tolf her that id grab a sandwich for lunch - like i would! lol. Then I did alot of frivolous shopping! The most important thing you need to know out of this trip, though, is that i made a trip to thorntons. I knew even before i arrived that i would end up going there. It was like inevitable.
I went in and spent ages just staring. You stand there and weave an alibi for why your buying this stuff. In the end i came out with a huge box of white chocolates and a meduim box of summer chocs.
It wasnt like i felt disappointed that id bought them or even worried that i knew that later i would eat them. I just kinda felt happy knowing that i could also get rid of them so it was like a treat as long as i didnt take in any of the calories. Then it would be a nightmare!
I got the bus home just as my sister and grandma arrived back. This meant having to sit downstairs a while before grandma went. It was then i started an argument with my sister, i cant remember what about and she only wanted to hug me but when she gets angry she just leaves me alone and thats what i wanted. Why? Because i wanted to stuff and purge. How low is that? I start an argument with my sister just so i could binge without being interrupted. I only realised recently how often i do this so she doesnt come up while im doing anything.
I started on the meduim box. As i ate the first few i realised how many calories were in each chocolate and my mind and body just reefused point blank to leave them in. I had 6 and went to the bathroom and purged them up. The problem with keep having to go to the bathroom is that i dont eat all then purge afterwards because i tend to find you then cant get it all up. I prefer to eat some, purge some. I couldnt keep running to the bathroom every few minutes for hours. So (i know this is sick) i got a bag and was sick into that in my room.
I always find you put a pressure on yourself when your in the bathroom to be sick because you know theres only a feesable amount of time you cant be in there without arising suspicion. The more pressure you put on yourself, the harder it is. So i find it easier to do in my room.
Anyway, i got through the meduim box no problems. Then mum came home and i really wasnt feeling hungry after my purge. Also if i had eaten my body (as it was in purge mode) would have just brought it back up again. So i didnt eat tea and told mum i would eat later.
We went to meet friends and had a few drinks. The staff kept putting biscuits and fudge on our table though. The first thing i gobbled down was two biscuits. After id eaten them i had to purge again so i excused myself to the bathroom. I couldnt believe what i was doing so i blocked it out. The more aware of what your doing means its harder to do. You need to go into a trance in order to get your food up without assistance and couldnt do that when i was focusing on anything other than the rising feeling in my throat.
After the drinks it was 12 midnight and we walked home. Thankfully it was too late for tea by that point so i havent had to eat tea either today. Now bed! Work tomorrow and im just going to have to grit my teeth another day because after that i am going to Bath for a week! yay!
I hardly need to do a calorie/food table today but here it is:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
Nothing 0kcal
Tea
Nothing 0kcal
Snack
195g summer choc box b/p all
400g white choc box b/p all
2 x biscuits b/p all
2 x squash 7kcal
2 x sugar free gum 10kcal
TOTAL 17KCAL
Obviously, i never completely trust purging even if i get only water and acid up i always worry theres more hidden there but im pretty sure its all out.
I havent done any exercise today because we went out soon after mum got back.
I told you today has been a weird day. It feels as though ive eaten loads but technically i havent ingested anything.
Hope your all doing well whatever your goal is.
I have to work tomorrow - must stay away from the tasters!
Keep smilin',
Poppy x x * * x x
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