I suppose my blog, although rather bizzarely, should start with last night. The reason being because, after my blog last night i felt really low and ate a cake bar. I cut myself all over my stomach with a razor. I hurts like hell now but i suppose it makes a change from my hunger pains! lol.
After this angry outburst at myself, i felt calmer and went to bed for 3 hours before having to get up for work again (thank god ive got today off! lol). Luckily, i had a chance to work off that disgusting piece of cake because the manager told me i was to walk down into town and hand out leaflets.
Now..usually i hate this job because i dont agree with the idea of attacking people with flyers that they really dont want in the middle of their perfectly serene afternoon (and busy enough, thank you very much!). Also i was feeling less than sociable after last night.
Luckily for me when i arrived at the place i was supposed to be based not many people were around. Instead i got the much less invasive, nicer job of putting leaflets under car wipers. Bonus: I got to constantly walk around for hours straight! Another bonus (slightly more mundane one!): being in town meant i could pick something up other than the slightly dull diet cokoe they did across the road! woo hoo! lets push the boat out and have a pepsi max! lol.
Anyways, back to reality...
I used all the menus up and still hadnt managed to cover the car park in the lower town. This meant i got to walk back into and out of town later on - more walking! By the time i got back i was knackered.
When i got home at 6.30pm it took alot to get me to the gym and it shouldnt have. Ironically enough, it was my unawares mother that told me i should go. Perhaps she wouldnt have been so forthcoming if she knew...
Oh well! Im glad she is still in the dark! I went and worked out for about 45 minutes (would have done it longer but stepdad was there with me).
The moment i had been dreading was drawing in- mum had planned pizzas for the evening - with dough balls and ice cream! argh! Luckily, she also stepped in and saved the day again (she has been like my ana fairy today!lol - i would love one of those. Anyone fancy making me one, i'll pay! lol). She said i could have soup if i wanted. Brilliant!
I had soup and corn on the cob. Instead of butter though i put uber amounts of salt and pepper on it. It does taste just as nice though and way low in cals for something that fills you up as much as that did!
My only slip up at the table was to eat a dough ball - damn it! I tried going to the bathroom afterwards (told mum i was going to have a bath) and bringing it back up. I couldnt do it without aid so i tried using my fingers (which i something i havent done in months, possibly over a year) and i STILL couldnt get much! bummer!
btw. before i conclude with my cals, just wanted to point out cos i seemed to have careened straight passed the point - the pic above is because i locked myself in the bathroom today so no one could see my SH marks i made last night.
Let me explain: we are a very tight knit family. When it was my mum, sister and I we would always leave the door open and talk to each other in the bathroom. So locking the door is highly unusual in the house. But recently i have been starting arguments with my family just so i can put distance between us because i dont want them getting too close to me.
I dont think i can explain it exaclty, so if anyone wants to jump in here with an explaination (in my blog comments box) id be really grateful!
I dont even like my mum and sister hugging me. I used to love it but recently i just get angry and annoyed with them. Either that or i worry that they will discover something (not in physical shape) but that they can see into my room when they hug me and spot something.
Also, as this is a Eating Disorder blog i ought to be completely honest about things that have been happening in relation to it. Well...i dont know whether this has anything to do with my not eating much at all recently but i havent had my period since February. I usually miss it by a month or two because of my mia. But its been almost 3 and a half months now and i can guarantee im not pregnant and im not underweight.
Whoa! that turned out to be a bigger rant than i imagined! anyways, only a few minutes before 4am so id better hurry!
Calories for the day:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
pepsi max 0kcal
2 pieces of gum 10kcal
Tea
half a soup 150kcal
corn on the cob (hold the butter, uber on the s&p) 18kcal
1 x doughball 45kcal
7 strawberries 5kcal
Snack
2 mugs of fruit tea 4kcal
4 pieces of gum 20kcal
TOTAL 252KCAL
I've cancelled out the cake bar due to the walking i did earlier on. Im probably way off the mark but my calculations say they about cancel each other out.
EXERCISE CALORIES BURNED
45 minutes hard gym work out 400kcal
TOTAL -148KCAL
Right, im tired now so im gonna mosey off to bed. Have a good day and keep up the hard work. You deserve to be thin - a happy whichever way that is.
Special thanks to Lee (from the thinspiration forums) for his encouragement and friendly advice.
Nigh...zzzzzzzzzz
Poppy @------
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