I'm back!
Its been a weird (almost) week. In fact what i didnt want to happen when i was away, of course, happened!
As soon as i let myself slip when i was away, i started eating. For some bizzare reason i eat less when im back home. I think its because when im in Bath i can eat when i want to if i like and theres no one saying 'you should eat' so tend to seize the opportunity. But when im at home, because people are saying 'you should eat' , i dont! Warped logic! lol
So i ate loads when i was away for the weekend, and i hope all you can forgive me for being so weak. I feel like ive betrayed everyone because ive binged. Im trying to rectify it though.
The fact that when it came to weighing day and i hadnt changed didnt help. I cant believe after being minus cals that entire week i didnt change! unfair!
I spent the next few days there just binging and purging major time. I'd fill myself up with heavy foods like bread, chocolate, ice cream, etc and drank LOADS of cold water then purged it up. I hated that i HAD to do it, i'd prefered to just not eaten but clearly my self will lacked.
Took some laxies as well. Andrews salts are FOUL! its like drinking salt water and for those of you that havent try doing it DONT! eww! If you really have to then at least keep a bottle of ordinary water next to you so as soon as youve swiged to salts, chug down the water to get rid of the taste.
Problem is due to that i gained a few lbs so i got majorly depressed when i was there and am still feelin reli low. I've slept through tea for the last two nights since ive been home and havent spoken much at all to my family. They are getting really anxious and asking me whats wrong. But its not like i completely know - sure its weight, but my low mood is like a strange mist that i cant quite grasp to figure out EXACTLY why i feel low.
Anyways, im trying to get my weight back down. Hopefully it will come off as quick as it had been.
Today had been ok. Still not good enough by my standards but its a start.
I ended up stuffing 2 cake bars really early in the morning and managed to purge at least one up. I went to work today and im getting really pissed off with my boss. Not only did she not let me have a proper break - i.e. made me serve customers while i was still on ym break and told me i coudlnt read during it. But she also commented, half under her breath, when i didnt buy any food from the shop next door (so then i didnt have any lunch). She said 'Any excuse'. Im pissed off because its none of her business and i told her about my ED in confidentiality ('cause i had to put it on my med form) and now shes bringing it up! Luckily im starting to look for another job so fingers crossed!
Steared clear of the samples! yay! Then off home and i was then worried about tea. My mum cornered me in the car and said 'whats wrong?'. She kept saying somethings wrong, what is it? I just said i wasnt sure and then when she persisted i said 'i dont know!'. The last thing i want is for them to be concerned (cue claustrophobic me) and start hastling me.
Anyways, we we got home i went upstairs and fell asleep (convieniently missing tea). Then have just woken up, but must go back to sleep because i have work again tomorrow! poo!
Also, mum came out of the supermarket today saying 'i bought you a hawiian pizza for tea tomorrow'. Bugger! I love hawiian and she knew it thats why she got it. I hate it when people buy you things with a special effort or thought of you because then i eat because i want to please them and feel guilty if i dont. I looked up the calories: 382kcal per half pizza!
Heres my cal intake and exercise for the day then i must go:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
2 x cake bars 1 purged, 163kcal
Lunch
2 x gum 10kcal
Tea
Nothing 0kcal
Snacks
2 x mugs of fruit tea 4kcal
TOTAL 177KCAL
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
30 min quick walk to work 100kcal
TOTAL 77KCAL
Hope you are all doing better than me. I'll be speaking to you again soon.
btw. mucho thanks to lily for her continuing support via guestbook! lol.
Poppy xoxox
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