FAT DAY! I feel yucky and sick and i wanna curl up and never eat again! :( :(

Oops! Sorry this blog is a little later than expected but i've just finished my 'about me' page - it took ages! i didnt think it would take that long!


Anyway, today: NOT A GOOD DAY!

I told you it was going to be a bad week for me, and I was right. Although now i have my new future-seeing abilities, I don?t think my name quite matches up to the likes of Nostradamus! Hmmm, perhaps I ought to change it?! Lol

But on a serious note, today i just felt as though i wanted to cry. Its been one of those spiral days where one thing triggers another.

I went to work and managed to avoid any temptations. I was doing really well until we spotted a cake that had gone over its date by a day. Even when my collegue said i could take it home i didnt see a problem because id just let my family eat it - i dont find that hard to resist. But then she suggested we both have a piece as afternoon tea. Well, she'd seen me eat nothing for lunch, and she was around the previous day so noted the same. I only had a small piece but as soon as i was eating it i hated myself. So while she was sorting out the store i went to the toilet and tried to purge but i only got a miniscule bit out.

Throughout the next 10 minutes i could feel it rising in my stomach and couldnt resist the urge to lose more calories. So i would be sick in my mouth then spit it into tissue when i could inconspicuously get to where it was. I know that is terribly disgusting, but if we are embarking on this then we must be honest. This is the kind of stuff that does occur when you get an ED - you get rid of calories by ANY MEANS.

Anyway, i wouldnt of had it if she wasnt looking, but it was like she was making sure i ate it! i couldnt get away! So after that she said about another piece later on in the day. Luckily we were so busy we didnt have time.

I also had to pick out a meal for my sister and i, as our parents were going out. i spent ages turning the portions looking for a low number of calories that she'd like too. The lowest i could get that would suit us both was 200kcal (if split in two) for a one portion!

But we didnt eat it anyway because i didnt have tea. Whats the problem?, you may ask. Well...i had more than sponge cake. I seems like the fates were out to get me or something because when i get home my family have saved me up some quality streets. Luckily i manage to give some away but i still have to eat some.

Lastly, my self control finally collapsed when i ate fudge i had stupidly bought at the shop. I had been wanting to buy it for AGES and gave in. Then i ate it all, although i purged some of it back up.

Stinking calorie log for today:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
2 pieces of gum 10kcal

Tea
Nothing 0kcal

Snack
piece of victoria sponge P / rtd 150kcal
4 x quality streets 157kcal
150g of fudge P / rtd 400kcal

TOTAL 767KCAL
I cant wait until 16th June because i will be going back to Bath for little under a week so i can fast! and lose more weight and cleanse myself of these yucky yucky fattening foods!

Then im going again the next week so i can keep the fast up! Yay!!!

Mum has told me that tomorrow we (possibly including me) are going to her fiance's sisters and everyone is going to the bridal shop to look at dresses. I am really upset, because of course i want to go! But i wont go when im this size! mum's fiance's sister is tiny, so is my sister and my mum is under average as well. It really hurts. I dont think i'll be up anyway so at least i'll will only half feel bad in my half-comatose state tomorrow morning.

So, thats my depressing news. I feel such a faliure and im sure you are all doing really well on your regimes. Let me know please and send me words of support - i feel i need them right now...

Until tomorrow...

Poppy xxx