... I'm feelin a little low today so you'll just have to bear with me. I just feel as though i dont care. I dont know whether its because of thinking about going back to Bath. Alot happened there and it brings back happy AND scared feelings.
A quick note to lily: I do write my blogs around 2 - 3am but im in the UK. This means that when im writing my blog for the day it may only be late afternoon for you. Also the date and time at the bottom is bull, i try to change it but it wont let me! However, if you mean that i am writing my blog at 3am, then yes, it is for the day before but as i am still awake it messes me up to think its the next day! lol.
Today feels as though its been really crappy and maybe im depressed because i dont know how to think of it. Or because im on a binge/purge comedown...
I got up and went to work and didnt mind so much about it because i was looking forward to going back to Bath for a week. The morning was kind of dead but i managed to avoid picking at any of the foods.
Around 1pm, our boss said it was too quiet for all three of us to stay so i volunteered to go. I bought a surprise meal for my mum and sister to wrap up and put in the freezer for when i would be gone. I was really happy this morning and it seems like an age ago.
Then my mum came home and we chilled for a bit. I said i'd eaten at work before coming home. Then my mum had picked up the wrong colour card for a project i was helping her with so i insisted i would go into town and get the right colour. I think this is where the trouble came in.
I cycled in only to find the stationers just closed. I was cooking tonight so i asked mum if we had all ingredients or if she needed anything while i was in town. So i went to Tescos.
I knew the main reason i went there was the buy things to purge with. I got a box of truffles, guiliyan belgian chocs and smartied bites. I know im such a pig. It was so addictive because i knew i could purge it.
I got home and immediatley wanted them. I waited till mum was gone then binged on ALL OF THEM! maybe i feel low because im constantly worried i didnt get it all out. Maybe i just wish i didnt do it...
Thing is it usually takes me a while to get it all out and i can be sick for hours in order for me to get ALL of it out. It gets less and less until it stops and i taste acid. But i felt full even though i purged and that really upset me. I think i worried that i had digested all of those calories because my body felt full.
But i couldnt back out of tea either because i had chosen tonight to do a meal. I made lemon turkey with mangetout because it was low in calories. I hated eating it. It must be because i have just eaten a load of stuff and now feel like absoloute shit.
On top of this, in some way i dont want to go back. I do, but my housemates will have left. When im on my own my whole day revolves around sleeping, internet, and eating/purging. It gets really low. Im worried i will get really depressed when i go back. I even feel like crying now.
Then to put the cherry on the shit heap, my housemates told me that they had arranged the 'hand over of keys' date without asking me if i was actually coming back. So i was told i would have to cme back and take my stuff away on the Monday which i couldnt do.
Luckily, i have a contract and i have paid to be there until the 30th so im legally allowed to be in that house till that point. They cant kick me out or take away my keys until after that point.
But the huge bummer which im also angry at my housemates about is that they've cancelled the internet (which i was paying for even though i wasnt there) which we paid for till the end of the month. But because THEY were leaving early they stopped it.
This basically means, guys, that after monday i wont be able to blog you for like 4-5 days!!!!!!! I will save up my blogs and type them like usual and when i get back home i will post them all. I cant believe it!
So here are my shitty-shit (must mend my language - sorry) calories for today:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
2 x squash 7kcal
Tea
lemon turkey 200kcal
Snack
box of truffles b/p all
guiliyan chocs b/p all
smarties bites b/p all
2 x pieces of gum 10kcal
TOTAL 217KCAL
I think i must be on a huge b/p comedown. Now for those of you who dont purge, you are probably thinking - 'comedown??!!! Thats for druggies, dont be silly!'. But it had similar effects.
When you purge you get a rush of endorphins when you get it out. You have like a mini high in your head for a bit and yor are just peaceful and happy. But soon after you begin to come down.
Now im just depressed, really scared and upset about tomorrow, and STILL havent packed my bag! ahhh!
Please pray for me, it will be tough times ahead. Especially as im going to try to fast for the next week. And when im feeling low in that house, bad things always happen, especially as im alone...
boo hoo...
Poppy xxx
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