Losing my marbles but not losing pounds

Here i am again, and i'm still not under 9st! It's getting really painful and tiresome going up and down the very last few lbs, but not under.

Over the last few days i've eaten healthy and not purged, eaten nothing, purged, downed diet pills, laxatives and diuretics, drunk extra water, then no water at all. My body doesn't seem to be reacting the way i imagined with any of it - the weight STILL STAYS ON! argh!

I have gone down a bit today but that might be because my scales got so fed up of me standing on them, they gave me a pity reading and decided 'lets just give her this otherwise she'll try to stand on us again!'

My run yesterday was tough and i had permanent stitches on either side of my rib cage. They re-appeared when walking around town today. I know it's probably to do with electrolyte depletion and dehydration, but if i drink i will probably pile on 3lbs that i scrimped to lose so hard. I really am at a loss. I think instead i wil go to sleep and down a glass of something tomorrow morning as a reward for holding out.

I have been buying smaller clothes. I bought my first UK size 6 (guessing thats a US 2) top today and a size 8 (4) work trousers for an upcoming interview. I don't know how i'm buying these given that i don't feel i've lost any weight in like, ohhhhh.....a CENTURY! But hey-ho, i guess i've just got to keep going.

It's hard because i am getting all this mounting pressure and attention from others about my size, and yet i'm not losing any faster. I want to get to my goal weight before anyone starts really kicking up a stink about things. My mum has already said again about the doctors and today both my parents said that they really didn't want to drag me down there. I think even if they drove me down there without me knowing, i'd jump out the car and march away. Even if they got me into the surgery, i wouldn't wait. If i don't want help, there isn't much they can do given the fact that i am still in the healthy weight bracket (you hearing me mother??? healthy BMI!)

Today started off well, but my weight when i got home sucked, so i binged/purged on chocolate (typical). In the evening, i had 1/3 omlette, salad and 12 grapes. I purged some of it up later for the sake of it. Later in the evening, i binged/purged on a packet of chocolate that my sister and i had driven into town for especially.

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - Thrice

Exercise - walking around town doesn't feel as though it should count really...

Weight - 129lbs

Pulse (BPM) - 48bpm

So now i'm going to get some sleep because i have work tomorrow and i'm probably going to have a bad day because i will have probably not lost anything by the morning! :/

God i'm such a sourpuss tonight!

Hope you are all having more successful weeks than mine,

Poppy xox

Feeling good and so close to reaching 9st

It's bizzare how going to bed on an empty stomach actually makes you feel happier. Despite a slip earlier today, followed closely by a purge, i haven't eaten anything. I feel so much better, and then i remember that the most this day is going to do is reverse the damage i did yesterday.

As you remember, yesterday was my birthday. I had planned to stick to my evening meal (which i had researched the calories of). However, things did not turn out like that as my family had got time off work for my birthday. Instead i had to go through a stop/start method to purging, only doing it when i could. I was convinced that i was going to pile on the pounds like mad, and that it would take me another month to lose it...or something stupid like that!

Instead, this morning i weighed myself and the damage wasn't so bad as to blow my head off. It's still bad enough for me to shiver internally and want to scrape it off. I went up just under 1lb. My solution was simple - try to avoid eating as much as possible today and exercise as much as possible.

This weigh in had not been easy as i had to wait until 11.30 before my sister left the house. During this time i didn't allow myself to drink as it would have affected my weight. By the time i'd weighed myself, a cool drink was a welcome reward. As i went downstairs to get my drink, i noticed the bread, and cake in the kitchen. Without hesitating, i tucked into 1/4 chocolate cake, a slice of ice cream, and a cheese sandwich. Following that, i bent double over the toilet and rid myself of as much as possible. Double checking on the scales to make sure i hadn't gained.

This called for serious measures. I donned my running kit and went for a jog, planning on doing a couple of laps around the block (roughly 3miles). Instead i decided to take a different route and ended up doing over 6 miles in a storm! I absoloutely poured it down and i had a really fantastic run, not to mention burning over 700 calories :)

After my run, i showered and then had to keep checking myself, as i found that i gravitated towards the kitchen, like i was in a daze. I deviated my attentions by swiging at two pepsi maxes and tidying my room. More clothes got thrown on the 'can't wear any more' pile and stashed degrading chocolate wrappers from behind my bed got binned. I actually asked my mum for a wicker bin (so that i actually have a bin, rather than a 'bin' that i use for purging), and she got me one as a birthday present!

Later in the day, i went to my evening spinning class. I made it tough for myself but i was on a roll with exercise and wanted to get ahead, and lower than i have before with my weight. Tomorrow is a 5 mile cross country run - whopee!

Quick Bites:

Binged / Purged - once

Ran - 6.15 miles

Spinning - 50 minutes

Weight - 130lbs

Pulse (BPM) - 52bpm

Love to you all. Thanks for the birthday wishes Bonnie!

Speak soon,

Poppy xox

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

23 years old today!

(or 18 again, as i like to say)

I'm going to get in some exercise before the day truly begins. I'll be back here later to update you on how the day went.

XOX POPPY XOX

Saying NO - preparing for the beginning of a battle of wills

Things are changing in my world, and i'm fast realising that they are getting serious.

I know the consequences of my actions and i am still not ready to give them up, in fact i can't imagine ever giving them up. I really don't want to. However, my mum approached me last night and said that she thought it was about time her and I went to see the doctor. I changed the topic and said that i would let her know what i thought another night. She mentioned it again tonight. In fact, loads of people have been mentioning it, some behind my back to my mum and they are getting her worried. I wish they would leave it alone.

In short, if she forces me to repsond i'm going to tell her that i'm not going. I WILL NOT see a doctor yet. I'm not even a low weight - I'm 130lbs for christs sake! Admittedly, if i had lost all the weight starting off as a 'normal' weight, i wouldn't be alive right now. Regardless, i am not going to recover yet when i don't even want to.

My fear of gaining weight has grown into something completely out of my control and bigger than it has ever been before. I am peterified if i even put on so much as a pound or two. The thought of me 'getting help' when i know that i will gain at least two stone sets my resolve firmly against doing it. I CANNOT gain that much, i would rather slit my wrists.

Enough of the melodramatic, things are getting there with me. I'm on the slow slog that i always face when reaching the lower end of a stone - it always seems to take yonks to lose the last few lbs in that stone and the first few lbs in order to 'secure' your weight in the lower stone. Only 2 stone to go now until i reach my goal weight!! woo hoo!!

I was so chuffed to see my weight ticker today - i look like i've got so far! I really cannot give up now.

In the interests of being honest, and this being a blog that reflects all aspects of an eating disorder, there is one side affect which i must tell you about. Now, anorexics are know for having low heart rates due to an electrolyte imbalance (caused by vomitting), and lack of muscle tissue where the heart muscle is being consumed. A normal BPM pulse is between 60-100 beats per minute. If your resting pulse rate is constantly falling below 60 (more specifically 50bpm), and you have dizzy spells, headaches, etc, then it might be bradycardia. This means your heart rate is slow enough to cause a cardic arrest.

My bpm isn't always under 50, however more often than not it is between 40-55bpm. Yesterday afternoon it was 44bpm, today is was 53bpm.

I have started taking my multivitamins again to try and keep my potassuim and iron levels up. Hopefully they will counter any lack that i am suffering from.

I know this is an odd little blog, and i don't mean to worry you all. Honestly, it sounds worse than it is because i am really not that thin. In fact, i am right in the middle of a healthy bmi. So, i don't know why everyone is going weird - i wish they would leave me alone.

It is my birthday on Tuesday and as a treat i am going to my favourite restaurant with my family. I have already researched their nutritional charts and checked for the lowest meal, and i will exercise before. It's just a shame that i won't reach under 9st (126lbs) before my birthday :(

Speak tomorrow - please send me hugs because i just b/p ed on two bags of chocolate and i want to cry because i am so paranoid i didn't get rid of it all. I really will hate myself if i maintain my weight tomorrow.

Poppy xox

Blue Nude, Picasso, 1902: My Soul

I could sit and pour my emotions into this painting, or maybe it's siphoning emotions off to me? I can't tell.

This is my favourite painting ever. Every particle of me tingles and weeps when i see this. I think i am right in saying it speaks deeply to many of us with eating disorders. We don't have to see her face to know exactly what she is thinking and feeling. We are her.

This is going to be a quick pit stop blog today because it's already late, i'm tired and i have to get up early tomorrow.

Today has been a good day for me.
In short:
- Ran 5 miles in 1 hour (cross country)
- Binged/Purged 0 times (OMG! Totally unheard of in the last few months!)
- Consumed 204kcals (soup & 3 crackers)

I have been embracing the squeeze of the hunger pains again. It's an easy thing to get un-used to, although it feels like some odd hug whenever i get them. A new sense of anticipation courses through me each time my stomach moans.

Today has been a string of boringness - work from 8am until 3pm, shopping for an hour, home, run at 6pm then tea at 6.30pm.

As i mentioned before, i am off for a few days. Yay! I am looking forward to this, not least because i will be entirely on my own and have my own free will in things. I have already packed caffiene pills and poured a large amount of salt into a sealed bag for flavour. We will just have to see what happens, i'm not holding my breath for my self control!

I am going to part before i say any more and jinx things. I will see you all in a few days time. Please leave me lots of messages and surprise me for when i get back :)

Keep well,

Poppy xox

Ps. For Marie: Good to hear from you again! I know what you mean about a last minute rush - in order to stay on my revised plan of weight loss, i have to lose another 8lbs in 11 days! I'm sure you can do it though, and think of how well you have done so far! What is your eating like at the moment? How many cals are you restricting to, if you are at all? xx

The Bloated Marmot Returns, 2nd edition

[Damn javascript just turned my first paragraph into a load of arrows! Here we go, try number two!...]

Ugh! This is how i feel at the moment. Indeed, if you want to picture me, imagine me like a furry over-bloated marmot wishing its own claws would scratch out its eyes rather than look at the mountain of flesh under its vision!

I have been avoiding retuning to my blog for a while due to 1. Laziness (unacceptable) and 2. Anger and shame at myself (a given factor).

I am currently at 135lbs but i wanted to be so much lower. The weight is coming off me really slow and i know it's because i'm purging nearly all the food i eat. This wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't eating more due to this. So, i am going to have to try and curb my over-zealous eating. Although i am going away on my own for a few days so i will probably 'treat' myself to a b/p on one of the days. I can't really eat anything bt fruit at the moment without purging it, thus my purging routine is about 3 times a day at least. Sucks...

Anyways, I won't go on about today because i want to write a fresh blog tomorrow. I will be away for a few days after Monday, but i'll try to be more regular then. Maybe this is a bit mean to tease you with a couple of blogs before going again, but i didn't want you to get concerned. Thanks anon for your concern - i am ok. No fainting spells! Hope you are doing well? I do hope to see light at the end of the tunnel eventually, however i don't think i'm there just yet. I have tremendous admiration and respect for those who have taken or are taking that step to get support though. They are incredibly brave.

Message for Bonnie: Hi! Firstly, don't panic. I'm not angry at you! I'd much rather you shared you views. I like to think of this blog as a forum where there are ni inhibitions and we can discuss those views closest to us without fear of hurting someone else or scaring them away.

It's difficult for me to try and get my head around this because i am trying to deal with possibly the two closest things in my life - my mother and my eating disorder. On the one hand, i am concerned, almost upset, that she hasn't seen anyone about my eating disorder and thought my behaviour of substatial concern, enough to merit visiting someone about it or expressing her concerns. However, i am also relieved because the ED part of me wants to stay in the dark like some magic trick, waiting until the transformation to be complete before i pop out and shout 'ta da!!'.

My mum HAS had anorexia in the past, so nothing much has gotten around her depite the fact i hide it as much as possible. I placate her by telling her that i'm trying to sort out counselling. I acknowledge to her that i have a problem , i say that i will get help in the future but not yet - 'i'm not ready yet'. I suppose given that i'm not underweight*, and that i'm over 18 and have had this for years, it is very difficult to take the leap to see someone about it. Also, my stint in hospital didn't go too well, and she sees it that hospital wouldn't do me any good. Maybe she is trying to deny it is happening because she is truly scared for me. I don't know.

(*I actually have a smack-in-the-middle BMI of 21.9. A healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 25. To work out your own bmi, click HERE.

Since starting this latest stint, i have lost 4st 7lbs (63lbs), which, if i had started at a normal weight, would most certainly now be classed as anorexic/anorectic. Yet, as i started out in the obese BMI range, it is only now that things are being noticed. I feel such scorn towards peoples change in views between being judged as an overweight person and as a normal weight person. When i was losing weight in the obese range, so many people saw my loss as fantastic and a great improvement. Many told me 'Good Work!'. Now, because i am normal range, people are concerned and telling me 'don't lose too much weight!'. Hypocrites!

Enough ranting! Let me know how you're all doing yourselves. How is your weight loss and eating disorder going? - bad? good? - what defines those??

Hugs,

Poppy xox

You don't realise how far you have walked, until you look back...

Hi.

I can only apologise for the days of silence that have passed. I'm sure with my site being 'down' it may have looked like i'd packed up shop, but i haven't. Mymirrorimage just needed to be funded differently which meant a lack of payment at the time.

It has been a difficult June, mostly because i have been jumping up and down from 140lbs, when i really wanted to be on 130lbs (at least) by now. But i am back under 140lbs and determined to get far under it now.

One of the reasons i chose to write now is because i think i'm still in shock by what happened today, but i realised how 'bad' my ED was. Here's the tale:

My mum knows about my ED, and she even goes as far as emptying out my containers of vomit which i try to keep hidden from her out of shame. I hate her doing this and she will search my room for them. Yesterday i purged about 3 times and filled two containers.

I have one container which my mum knows about and checks, but i have another which i secretly keep somewhere else which she doesn't know about. It's like my backup.

When i got home from work today, i tried to help my mum put the shopping away. I get quite posessive over any food and like to put it away in a certain order or form, etc. When i tried to help today my mum told me to just 'get out'. It really upset me and i'd been feeling on edge for days - wanting to cry but not being able to.

I went upstairs and checked my second container only to find that it wasn't there. I frantically checked everywhere only to realise that mum must have found it and thrown it away. That was the final straw and i just broke down and cried for 30 mins. I was so angry and scared because it was my back up. That's when i realised how far my ED has come - when i'm crying over the loss of a plastic container. I mean, it felt like a rug had been pulled from under me.

So.... Today has been tiring. After i stopped crying, and my mum hugged me, we had lunch. They went out and i purged it. Then i fell asleep for a few hours before getting up and eating again.

Yeah - it's going to get really boring repeating it, but i ate and vomitted a few times. Although the fact my sister is around so much and keeps follwing me is making it frustratingly difficult to purge after i've eaten. I have to be really creul and cold to her sometimes for no reason just to get her to leave me alone so i can purge. I am always sorry that i have to do that.

I am determined to stay under 140 today despite eating and doing no exercise. So i've purged, used a suppository laxative and i have taken 6 laxatives which are probably going to kick in around the time my shift starts at 6.30am tomorrow morning! shit!

Sorry this is brief, i need to get some shut-eye. Hope you are all ok.

I'm scared.

Poppy xox