NOTE ON TITLE:
MPD = Multiple Personality Disorder
Im sorry my site looks so crap today and that my blog from yesterday is being crammed now, but freewebs is being an absolute poo! It takes me like 5 turns to log in without being stuck on the loading page and its been messing up the layout of my pages all day - Notice the homepage? It wont let me load pics back on to it! Luckily, the site was patient enough with me to let me put a pic here!
Moving past that, today has been a good day. I havent sucumbed to a life of gluttony after yesterday's debaucle and am back on the straight and narrow! I have eaten under 300kcals today and exercised! But im getting ahead of myself! - lets focus on yesterday first!
Wednesday 2nd July:
It was a busy day for me as it was my stepdad's birthday, and i was the one who had to get everything for the birthday dinner that evening! Unfortunately as i'd left the sleeping part of the night until the next morning i was not awake when i should have been. My grandma, who came round to let the builders in, came upstairs to see if i was awake. When she woke me up i immediately looked at the clock only to see that i had 20 minutes to be on the bus to meet my mum! Many expletitives were said which my grandma said she'd 'never imagine coming out of my mouth'! oops!
Anyways i managed to catch the bus at 12.00 midday and get to the nearby city where my mum works, for 12.30. I then raced around getting the things i needed. Its surprising how much of your life an Eating Disorder gobbles up ('scuse the pun!). Nearly all the items i bought had some connotation and link in some way.
Firstly i bought a few pairs of shorts for my holiday. I sucessfully managed to squeeze into a smaller size! yay! although, only just so i need to lose a few more pounds before the hol. Clothes have an obvious conotation to my ED - i HATE clothes shopping for myself because of my size and that horrible moment you realise you cant fit into the jeans.
Then i nipped off and bought a bin. It was only a cheap one, but i desperately needed it because mum had thrown my old one away. She had obviously seen all my gooey gunge in the bottom from me spitting my food out into it. whoops - i was hoping she wouldnt see until i either bought a new one or washed it out.
I bought a book. And although it doesnt link to my ED, i was looking for one that did. I was really surprised also to find that the waterstones i went into only had one book on EDs! poor...
Lastly, i took a dive into Thorntons and bought another big box of chocolates. yup - i know - but its so additive to know you can eat them and yet not have any calories. I had planned to c&s most of them anyways.
Then i met up with my mum. Last time we did this we sat and had a drink then i went home - no food. This time it didnt play out quite the same way and i was stumped as to what to do. We met at the same place, went to the same cafe...then mum said 'fancy sharing a cheese scone with me?'. Was i going to say no? she knew i hadnt had breakfast and definitely not had lunch as yet. I would have felt so guilty if i had said no because SHE wanted it. I acted casual in the face of food suicide and said 'sure'. I paid and we sat down.
I scraped the butter on and off my half until i just had to chow down on it. It was delicious - so i hated it more. The worst nagging part of it was that i kept thinking in my head 'how many calories does a cheese scone have? dont know. how about an average scone? nope. how much cheese do you think is in here? Calories? I dont know.'
I just had to hope i wouldnt be too piggish tonight and could fit in a gym session later. We went around the supermarket quickly getting the cake and other bits for tonight. I then said bye to my mum. Sometimes i think we lie to each other equally about food - maybe like a secret unspoken deal where neither of us truly reveals what we REALLY had that day. I know mum before has admitted to a bowl of kellogs for brekkie and tomatoes for lunch then exercises nearly everyday. Shes not a tiny size though because she has binge days, just doesnt do anything about them.
After that, i took the bus home. I took a detour to get some baloons blown up with helium for the evening - it was, in a childish way, really fun. perhaps i could become a party planner?! lol
When home it was just about awaiting the evening and food, food, food. I went upstairs and, in the hour before my mum came back, i c&s on half of the thorntons chocs. I know loads of people will think its a waste, but at least i didnt swallow them. Better not swallowing and creating waste, than swallowing and getting a waist! lol. Mum came home and then we all had to stay home, so gym was out of the question - bum, no back up plan!
From then on the the rest of the day was a haze of the heavy scents of baking foods, knives scraping on empty plates and aching jaws sucking out the remnants of pie from their teeth. It wasnt like a major binge, but numbers seemed to jumble and float in front of my head and i tried to arrange them like they were an infinate rubiks cube or something. i couldnt believe what i was eating and how high cal it was.
I was able to slip away once that evening, early on before the meal. I had already eaten crisps and was angry with myself. I crept upstairs and struggled a bit. When i finally started to make progress mum called me back down. As for the rest of the evening, i wasnt able to. For the main course, i just had a very small portion which i was rather proud of having, compared to the others. Then, can you believe it, i had a piece of tart AND cake! I dont know what possessed me!
That evening i felt shitty shit shit! I finished c&s the thorntons chocolates then spent the rest of the night watching the remainder of 'Louise Redknapp on Anorexia: reaching size zero'. She basically goes on a low cal diet to get into size zero. Very good to watch! Then by the time i was going to blog you i was SERIOUSLY tired and said i'd blog today - which i am now doing, albiet a little belated!
Food (only roughly):
MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
half a cheese scone 118kcal
Tea
crisps (picked at them) 170kcal
1/2 a portion of pork dijon 170kcal
3 tablespoons of rice 60kcal
veg 15kcal
1 slice of apple and pecan tart 230kcal
a small piece of cake 200kcal
Snacks
nothing 0kcal
TOTAL approx. 900KCAL
Thursday 3rd July:
So, we are now on today! Hooray! Time for action and strict detox from the disaster that was yesterday. Its quite a contrast from yesterday's 'Cookie Monster' food followed by more food debaucle.
I woke around 12.30 and hesitantly stepped onto the scales to see the damage that i inflicted last night. The dot moves across the screen....i blink - lost a pound?! that cant be right, i step on again, dot, blink - still a pound lost! Weird. But i am not getting my hopes up, i think i might have a delayed weight reaction later in the week and pile on a few pounds. I cant have just gotten away with it.
So, i decide instead of taking liberties, i wont take this seemingly lcky escape (for the time being) for granted and decide to have very little to eat today. The builders are cracking away at the new conservatory in the garden so i dont go to the kitchen - then they'd be able to see me.
I was a bit of a boring betty this afternoon and did very little. The only activity i did was ironing for half an hour. I went into the kitchen and cut off a bit of birthday cake and threw it in my bin. I figured if i told mum i had walked into town to get lunch and then had a piece of cake, it would calm her anger about me doing nothing at home and help her keep the illusion that im eating normally.
Mum phoned around 4.30 saying that she was going to the gym and did i want to come along. Did i?! it was like a rhetorical question - 'of course!'. I didnt show such anticipation though and just said good idea, i like going with you! Flatter the ego and they will ignore you, also if i had sounded too keen her suspicion would be raised! I never used to like the gym! lol.
We went and i gave myself a hard time on the treadmill, uping the gradient and walking so fast i was almost running. It paid off - it always will.
My 'rents went out for the evening to my sisters parents evening and it was just us in the house. We got tea arouond 7 and i managed to have a soup and some crackers. NO PUDDING! lol.
After that ive been attempting to get onto freewebs and do some more work to my site. But its been playing up all day! crap!
Heres my cal for today:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
Nothing 0kcal
Tea
1/2 tomato soup 155kcal
3 water biscuits 70kcal
Snacks
3 x pieces of gum 15kcal
TOTAL 240KCAL
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
45 minutes hard in gym 400kcal
TOTAL -160KCAL
Right. Thats pretty much everything today.
To Valorie: Thank you, that was really sweet of you to say that. I have given up so many times at the first hurdle but this time im determined it wont beat me. Wednesday was really hard and i could have so easily given up after it like i always do but im going to be strong.
Note to everyone:
Im going to be going on holiday next friday (*bitting nails :z *) so if you had any comments or things that cannot wait until after i come back then get onto it! lol. Im away for eight days and NO SCALES! - coming back on the 19th July. Im here for one more week so visit, ask questions, whatever.
Nighty night.
Poppy @'-,-'---
No comments:
Post a Comment