Today has been a hotch-potch of things, like a patchwork of events. Not linking and each drifting neither brilliant nor abysmal.
I got up at 12.30 after a number of phone calls (one from mum, one from grandma) and a knock at the door for a delivery.
The delivery was for me as i had ordered some books which i am really looking forward to reading. One is on media and body image, one on our poor perceptions of ourselves and another memoir of anorexia. I am planning on creating a page where i can write reviews on each of the books and let you know what i thought and which are a better read.
After waking up i brave the wardrobe and pick up my new shorts. I was daring at the time and decided to pick up a pair one size under the size i have been wearing. It was brave because i only had a week and a half before jetting off in them and they only just did up. As i slipped them on i held my breath. They fitted! I am now officially one size down!! yay!
After walking around a bit in my new skin, i settled down to the book im reading at the moment. A slight detour from my ED reading as im reading 'The Rose of Sebastopol' set in the 1800's.
The afternoon went quick and i found that my day had not been taken up by much. Mum had phoned again and said she'd pick me up some more gym kit from shops in town because i had run out. A good sign considering this means im doing it more frequently.
Lunch was the same as i usually do - move a few pots around and put some food about the place to make it look like id eaten. Hunger had really started to kick in again by this point and i was really gagging for some food. I resisted.
When mum came home she gave me the gym clothes and i got ready to head back into town for a workout. At the gym, i headed off with a vengeance on the bike. I pushed myself and managed to get the highest amount of calories i had ever burnt in 20 minutes on it. Then i went onto the cross trainer. But when i started going i felt incredibly sick and flet slight twinges under my breast bone. I noted the symptoms but did not stop. I carried on for 15 minutes before stopping. I then decided as i was also feeling a little wobbly that i wouldnt chance the treadmill. I settled for 50 situps and tried to become satisfied with having done 40 minutes rather than the hour i had wanted to do today.
I walked up to the supermarket to pick up some essentials. My fingers tingled a little as i walked. I picked up two soups and was really happy to find out that there is a new one arrived with only 83kcals per serving! I also got some bottled water, gossip mags (to chop out things for my scrapbook) and chocolate for the family. I ended up picking a bar for myself because i had to have one handy when they said 'didnt you get one?'.
Back home i read for a bit. As i stood up to come down i had an almighty dizzy light headed moment and flopped back onto the bed. I quickly shook it off and went downstairs for tea. It was a bit awkward because my family had eaten their tea in the time i was upstairs and so when i got down my parents were watchin me. I poured myself a glass of water with lemon and cooked my half a soup adding to it two water biscuits. When i sat down, my mum said 'have you got your water biscuits'. I immediately felt like i was on the ward again and they were checking to make sure i hadnt pushed them under the table or something!
They watched me for a bit (UBER UNCOMFORTABLE when they seem t be scrutinising your eating habits). Then mum brought up a story she had seen about a girl who had hanged herself. She had had bulimia and self harmed. I dont know what mum expected me to say - 'sounds like me!'. It would have been a bit stupid to say that lol. I settled for, it doesnt surprise me. With all the ups and downs people with EDs go through, it really doesnt surprise me that someone would kill themselves over it. In fact its common, i almost did.
Mum brought that up at the table saying at least you told us. I technically did, its just i told them about it the next day!
After tea i came back up stairs and woolfed down the chocolate bar. BAD BAD BAD! that was all i have ad today now. My stomach feels as though its wringing itself like a wet flannel. ow.
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
Nothing 0kcal
Tea
1/2 a soup 155kcal
2 x water biscuits 46kcal
Snack
2 x glasses of pepsi max 0kcal
a del monte smoothie lolly p some, rtd 60kcal
water 0kcal
Galaxy choc bar 250kcal
TOTAL 511KCAL
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
40 minutes at the gym, hard workout 350kcal
TOTAL 161KCAL
Tomorrow is work and at least it will keep me busy. Im hoping it will be sunny so i can sit outside and read in peace. Am also exercising tomorrow for maxuimum weight loss before the hols.
Not gonna get many hours sleep tonight now! bummer!
Happy Independance Day to all my American visitors - i hope it went well for you. Please let me know.
Night night,
Poppy xxx
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