Where to begin?....hmmm....
How about my weight!? Just a topic i picked compeltely and utterly (cough cough) at random! lol
Well, if you remember, i had gained 6 pounds! (shock horror! gasp!) from my holiday and my target for the week was to lose those 6lbs so that the following week would be from scratch. Im proud to tell you that not only did i lose the 6lbs but i also overshot by 3lbs!!!! yay! However, that only means an total loss of 3lbs because of the fact that the rest was weight i had put on.
POUNDS GAINED OR LOST SINCE BACK FROM HOLS:
9LBS!
WEIGHT LOST (MEASURING FROM THE LOWEST WEIGHT SO FAR)
Lowest weight before this week - week before hols
3LBS
Im so chuffed - like a puffed out train! lol. Its given me great motivation. Its just a shame that it then had to be followed by birthday food and celebrations!
Tuesday 29th July:
So...the dreaded but much awaited for day arrives. The happy but incredibly crap day rolled into one like some foul tasting wrap! I got up in the morning for work and only caught the end line of 'happy birthday' to my sister. Work was pretty much as it always was and i plodded along, neatly shuffling past the samples waiting to go home.
At 12 midday my mum came around to collect the lasagnes for the party that evening and, given that it was on my discount, i went to pay for them. My card was rejected!!! I was gutted so i had to call the bank, really fearful someone had gotten into my account. Luckily it wasnt that, but they said they'd sent me a new card in June so i should have received it! Im just waiting for a new card now so am now falling upon the mercy of others!
After i finished work, there was no time to go to the gym (apparently, i swear i could have got at least 30 mins in and a shower before anyone arrived! poo!). I went home and we all watched my sister open her presents. There was only a small crowd for tea so i didnt feel to overwhelmed to eat. Usually if its big crowds i dont like to eat in front of them.
I almost cried out when they served the lasagne out rather than let everyone get their own. I sat inside with my grandma as there were no more places outside. I liked it that way, away from alot of people while eating. I just felt fat if i ate in front of others. For pudding two MAHOOSIVE boxes of doughnuts were bought out. It was like i wanted them all, but at the same time i didnt want any. I kept remembering the line in my head from one of the motivational food quotes (on the photo page) - 'trans fats can stay in your body for up to a year'. It made me sick. One doughnut was placed on my plate, then another. There had been all these charts planned out and methods and now it felt so jumbled, out of control and like i was floating with no solid ground. I didnt know whether to continue floating or find the floor quick.
I was stuck in that decision rut for the rest of the evening. I was between leaving any more food alone and enjoying as much as possible. This is the only problem coming from mia to ana - you have two different personality types in your head both arguing that you should do what they say. Its infuriating. The bulimic part of you, when it tastes the fatty sweetness, wants to binge then purge (even if it partly knows the purging cannot occur). The anorexic side of you, on the other hand, wants to run away, to scream, to wash your hands clean of that food you almost touched.
My sisters surprise present came later - it was a car! We stood outside and admired it for about 20 minutes! I was so happy for her, now she can learn to drive!
Only cake to go then! We sang the song and then when the cake was starting to be cut i got jittery. I had only wanted half a piece and now didnt think i wanted any at all - i felt so fat! correction: i was, am, so fat! A piece was handed to me and i stared around the room at people tucking into theirs. A friend of the family was over in the corner and was joking about the calories in the cake saying to his mother-in-law - 'oh! i better relieve you fo that. it would only be a favour because its so bad and full of calories!'. He had only wanted the bit of cake and it was a joke - but for me if really hit home. I looked at my sad bit of cake and peeled off the tiniest bit of icing. Then i put it down and slipped out of the room.
I curled on one of the steps of the stairs quietely and no one bothered me for 5 minutes. It was a horrible thought that i had eaten all that stuff. And he was right- ALL THOSE CALORIES! - his words had brought me out of a daze to realise the harsh trut of the food i was looking at. I felt like crying. After calming down a little, i became desperate to know what my weight was - had it gone up or down since i ate that last doughnut? How much had it cost me?. I sneaked into the bathroom and i had gained 1lb. It still stang. I heard a knocking at the door and my sister wanted to come in that moment. I had no where to hide my scales, and if she saw those she'd know for definite. I pushed them behind something, i still think she saw them though.
Back downstairs, i stood around listening to everyone chatter. It was like i was removed from the conversation, or maybe i removed myself from the conversation. After all, i did slide further and further into the kitchen portion of the room till i was almost hidden by the freezer. My sister found me though - as she always does, and asked if i was ok. I lied to her and said yes.
When everyone had left, its pretty much a dull tale. You know the drill? Clean up and go to bed! I was so exhausted that i found it hard to keep my eyes open. In fact, i am tonight as well!
OMG! i cannot be becoming an early bird! noo! im always a night owl! At least it would mean i could get more exercise in though!
btw. for this day im not going to write down calories, because if i do i might as well slit my wrists now and have done with it. Its best i use it as motivation to work off those lazy fat globules!
Wednesday 30th July:
Another day dawns, time for the cleanup - in more ways than one!
I say, another day dawns, this may be factually accurate but i was not awake to see the dawn. Nor was i awake to see midday actually! I got up at 1pm. A little late, i'll grant you, and i had now missed the post but it was nice to have a lay in.
Today has been a day of not much. My sister and i have spent quality time in her car, just listening to music. I have been trying to get my site caloriebible.com filled up asap, although it will still take me a while. It has taken me alot of the day, until my mum came back to fill in M-O of the fruit and veg section, get a search box (which i now find cannot work yet) and pin down when to start the dairy page.
However, when mum did come back it was time for action, lots of it because we were going to an intensive aerobics session. It was really good today and i actually enjoyed it! One of the best exercises is aerobics so i strongly recommend it! I have told my godmother that i will be at the aerobics tomorrow morning so now i cant back out. Its just a failsafe way of making sure i actually do go!
When we came back my family had tea and said i really should have something. I didnt feel like eating but knew that they didnt know that and my stepdad probably noticed i hadnt touched much at all earlier on. I settled for an easy salad. When they got up from the table to wash up i felt really annoyed because if im not eating so they can see it then i dont want to eat. But i couldnt not because they were only a few paces away. I finished most of it.
So, now i upstairs and really ready to get to bed because the more sleep i get now the less tired i'll be for aerobics tomorrow!
CALORIE SECTION:
MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CALS
Breakfast
Nothing 0KCAL
Lunch
Nothing 0KCAL
Tea
House salad 20KCAL
Snacks
Nothing 0KCAL
CAL FOOD TOTAL 20KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
1hr hard aerobics, high burn 600kcal
CAL EXERCISE TOTAL 600KCAL
PS: ooo! I deicided to try on some of my pyjamas that had been sitting in a box since i arrived back from bath. Many of them i had stopped wearing because they had gotten too tight. The two pairs i picked out fit nicely now! I fact, the ones ive got on now used to be SUPER tight now i can breather deeply in and now streach the fabric at all! yay!
PSPS: I have received a message from blackrose who let me know about prettythin and i checked it out myself. It is indeed true and upsetting. That site has been there ever since i started visiting these sites. I am surprised they kept it up that long before freezing it though, as its easy to find. It would be nice to know how they condone freezing it, then we could avoid it! lol.
On the subject of this site freezing, i sincerely, with all my heart, hope that doesnt happen because of all the work, not only me, but you have put into it. I am paid up for a year so it is possible they wont want to freeze it due to my payment, im not sure. In the eventuality of this site freezing though, i will not be going. I have another site which, although not made to be a ana&mia site (its my accompaniment site to beautyisbones) i will temporarily move over to, the link is below. Just thought you'd like to know, in case!
www.freewebs.com/caloriebible
Must buzz now
*X Poppy X
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