Yesterday was a mess and i am so angry with myself i just feel like ripping myself up and stamping on my stomach. Why?! It seems to stupid to do it. But i have been beaten again and again by these kind of episodes. Every time i used to binge i gave up and just began binging again. This time i wont let it happen. I will pick myself up and carry on.
Yesterday i did really well and didnt eat, then when lunch came it was raining. Im going to blame all this on the rain! This meant i couldnt go outside, so i had to stay inside with my boss craning over me. I went across the road and bought food because then at least i could russtle the bags and make it sound convincing. I had an alibi incase she asked. Luckily the russtling was enough and i passed the day fine.
In the evening i said i wasnt hungry and sat at the table without eating anything. Mum was fine with it. It was only until late evening that things started to get bad. My sister came around offering me quality streets and i gave in and took some. At first they sat on the side untouched but then i gobbled all them down. Soon after everyone had gone to bed, i remembered the food in my bag. My mind switched off and i just stuffed it all down in hunger. I heard my mum and sister on the landing and realised i had no where to throw up. I searched around my room and found nothing. In the end i had to sucumb to the sound of my triumphant stomach as it squealed in defeat at the fact that i had given in and it had food.
I was so upset with myself that i could get to sleep for ages and kept coming up with plans to get rid of it. I decided i better quickly weigh myself before the calories and food adds the pounds back on. I stepped on the scales:
Pounds gained or lost:
lost 2lb
Im so annoyed about this. The two pounds i have lost came off really early on in the week and after that i just havent moved. Im sitting right on the end of a stone (as in im -st and 0lbs). I just need to get down one more. I mean do you think its my poor control over food this week that has been the result of this small weight loss? Or am i not doing enough? Please let me know - i have been making such crap losses for two weeks mow and want to speed it up! Help me!
So, today i got up, conviced i was going to make amends for all the damages yesterday. And what do i do? In the first 15 minutes of being awake i have eaten more quality streets! If i wasnt going on holiday on friday, i would hurt myself so bad right now.
I havent eaten anything else today, but i will have to eat tea because i didnt yesterday and if i dont my mum will become susicious.
I just feel so big and fat. I feel as though my fingers cant just quite touch and stay on my current weight loss, and im going to go pinging back to my original weight and it will all go back on. Im so terribly scared. I dont want to be fat - its enough to make me cry.
My plan can only be for one day because im going on hols on friday. That will mean parents will be around all day and will be able to tell if i havent eaten. Here it is:
THURSDAY PLAN
RULE ONE: Nothing will pass my lips but water and coke
RULE TWO: exercise for at least two hours - burn cals till you go blue
RULE THREE: stick to these rules. If you dont, you WILL be fat!
There we go! Thats my plan! Its short, and to the point. Its a day detox, then im jetting off to spain around 5-ishpm.
If the plan goes how i want it to, this is what should happen calorie-wise:
all the calories for the last 3 days (including exercise) - 1325kcal
this is the amount of calories i should be burning off today and tomorrow at the gym - 1500kcal
take the exercise burnt cals from the food cals - -175kcal
divide the total between the three days - -58kcal.
This means if i do the plan right, the average for the three days can be worked out as -58kcals for all three. Which means not only have i reduced my calories past my limit (300kcal) but i have cancelled it out!
Right, my mum is home. Will be back later.
Poppy xxx ...
No comments:
Post a Comment