AAAARRRRGHHHHHH!
Half of the day i remember starving. For some reason the pain just hurt more today. But i refrained and stayed away. The afternoon came and i still didnt put anything to my lips.
Then in the afternoon my sister had been out shopping and brought me back TWO chocolate bars. I was just so hungry that in a blind moment of glutonous want i ate both of them!! yep! piggy porker me stuffed BOTH OF THEM!!
After that point i just seemed to be on a binge. I ate 4 shortbread biscuits, 10 water biscuits with butter, and a custard cream! I am so ashamed of myself and especially having to tell you all this makes me feel really embarrased and like ive let you down. You must all be doing so well and ive been the food equivalent of a train wreck today!
Before i knew it tea was upon me and i was sat down to a plate of sausages, mash and even bread. I ate, still in binge mode. I knew that i was just emotionally shovelling food. After i finished my plate, i lay my head down on the table and hid my face in my hands.
I felt horribly sick. It was the kind of sick that you knew you couldnt do anything about but it was still there aching painfully in your belly. I asked mum if i could leave the table and she said no. I had to sit there, i really felt like crying.
My sister kept on poking me telling me to get up. Eventually after a particular prod on the head, i got up and stormed up out of the kitchen up to my room. I curled up and hated myself. I still do, i loathe myself.
My mum came up and was actually really nice to me. She said she understood and asked if i was ok. I was candidly honest with her and said i just felt really sick and it was horrible. She said that at tea in future i could just have a piece of fruit if i wanted as long as i ate with them. She said, as long as your eating and not lying to me.
I was thrilled she would let me do that, and could just picture each of my days existing on a single apple and few pieces of gum. Simple. I know im lying but i just cant tell the truth - i dont want to. I cant. There isnt really anything to tell because im not actually underweight so its not a prob at the mo. I will have to put my faith in the fact of it being a white lie (kind of) for now - its for the greater good.
Im not putting my calories up tonight because i cant face it. I know they are abysmal and if i see them then i might as well hang myself now! I just want to curl up away from all food.
I WILL DO BETTER TOMORROW!!! ... I MUST...
Also: thanks for the message lily. I will take them in my suitcase, cos they could be anything really - anti-depressants, the pill. They will probably just think it to be bathroom cabinet stuff.
Right, im really upset now so im going to go to bed. Im at work tomorrow so that will keep me busy. please send me comments to boost my happiness as its a little depleated at the moment.
Thanks so much for your support,
): x Poppy x
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