Fainting 3 times in 5 minutes is not fun! Maybe im a little concerned...

Heya.

Well, from my title you can see what my headline news will be. I'm sorry blogs have been irregular, but i've been falling asleep at 1-2pm then waking up at 2-3am in the morning! It has caused havoc with my eating. As in, i can't quite go get myself a salad at 3am can i?! the girls would think im nuts!

But as a side point, i did well yesterday and on the day my family came down (Sat). On sat, the only thing i has was the beanie burger that i had to eat at the restaurant, and it was one of the lowest cal things on the menu. It was 560kcals i think. I also swam for an hour again.

The other day was tougher because i ate some chocolate, but i purged all of it up. Then i walked without stopping from one end of my room to another for 35 minutes. It supposedly burnt 130kcals. I went to sleep quite early on after that, and had nothing else.

Now onto today! I woke up some point during the night feeling REALLY thirsty but i didnt have anything. This happens often enough but i never have anything because i weigh myself in the morning and don't want water weight to affect it. Usually there are not adverse affects, im guessing today was the exception!

I had a drink, then went to get in the shower, wobbling once before i got in. I didnt consider it until suddenly i felt sick, and couldn't breathe properly. I pushed open the shower door hoping it would hope, but then the room sort of span. I blacked out, but i remember the bang of me falling to the shower floor. On opening my eyes, i felt extremely sick and had ringing in my ears. I tried to pull myself out of the shower so i could get some water. But i found i couldn't get up. I pulled myself to the edge of the shower and onto the floor. I pulled myself up to the basin, where i blaked out again. I woke up to see the scales, toilet brush and cloth scattered about, but i dont remember dragging them down. After taking a few deep breaths, i knew it was important for me to get to my water bottle by my bed. I tried to stand up and got as far as closing the bathroom door before i fainted for the third and final time. At last, when i woke i reached out for my bottle and chugged the lot down. I was shaking SOOOOOOO bad, and so, despite the fact i knew it was all fat, i ate a boost bar. This was mostly because i knew it would level out my low blood sugars and stop me from shaking. But don't worry, later i purged it.

I am probably not going to be able to go to the leisure centre today, because its bank holiday. However, i will get to bed early and be up early to go for a swim tomorrow. I think i might fast, or eat about 300kcals tomorrow. On the plus side, my weight has gone right down. Oh yeah! Today is weigh in day! i can't believe i forgot! Well, since the last time i weighed in, the result today is:

WEIGHT GAINED / LOST: LOST 5lbs

Not bad! Still got to improve though. Hopefully with more exercise, i can push it further.

I haven't done much else after my 'episode'. I watched sense and sensibility (BBC new version - its excellent!), now im about to do some of my novel writing. Its getting on well! After that, i might go back to bed.

I am not going to post up my calories, because most of what i have consumed, i have also thrown up over thr hours. It would be silly for me to try and write it up when i have no idea of the amounts of in/out myself!

Big hugs and thanks to Alissia and TCStar for commenting! Welcome back Star! I thought i'd lost you in all the moving about, im so chuffed you're still checking in! Keep at it - you are so right to say its a long term thing. Small achievements are so hard to see as anything spectacular when you are aiming for the big goal - its seems a long way away! Well done for everything you have achieved Star - don't despair, and if you ever need any extra encouragement or someone to talk to just email me (lifeisafreefallplunge@hotmail.co.uk)

Alissia, i will let you know when im going to start a weeks fast - i'll hopefully post a blog on here to let everyone know about a week in advance. Also, an UBER WELL DONE for all those laps! that's amazing, im so jealous of you doing all those, you must have just been able to feel the weight coming off you! how long did it take you to do the 176 laps?

Finally, quick TQ for heather, who left a lovely little message for me on the site. thanks and please keep your comments coming - i really do listen, promise!

Right, im off to work. Love to you all and i'll be back at 12 tomorrow!

XO Poppy OX

Don't eat Jalepenos on a Purge Day - Ouch!

Heya!

Sorry for my long abscence! It's been too long since i was on here. Last time i was here, i was fasting. Now, little did i know that day 3 is considered the hardest for lots of people. Unbeknowest to me, when it came i suffered all thw way until the evening, before i binged. Big time. I purged afterwards. Since then it's been a horrible while of b / p ing.

Wednesday i ordered a family pizza and then purged the entire lot. Although my suggestion, is don't binge / purge on jalepenos! Ouch! It really hurt! I won't be doing that any time soon! (For those who don't know - Jalepenos are hot chillis)

Yesterday i went swimming again for the first time in years! I get so conscious of my body that i hate showing it, but i went and when i was in the pool i was away! Loved it, and i did 76 lengths in an hour! Its still pretty good for me, although i'm still sore now. Hopefully i'll be in pool tomoz.

But i am planning to fast again. I have joined with two other girls and we are going to do a weeks fast soon. Now i know that day 3 is hardest, i will be more aware and prepared. I can't start my fast before Sunday (at least), because my family are coming down on Saturday. We HAVE to go to a restaurant, and i'll HAVE to have something. It sucks.

Yesterday, i didn't eat anything, so that was good. My sleep is all off. I stayed up all night, so Thursday morning i was awake for swimming. Then i fell asleep at midday, now i've been awake since 4am, so im probs gonna dose off about 2-3pm! :o

Today, so far, i've had 3 satsumas and a pot of jelly. Im not counting that as too bad, although it is bizzare eating at times of the day when you don't usually. I probs won't have anything else today, because it's not long until midday. Then from then its easy to blag it.

Here's what ive had today then:

CALORIE LIST:

Breakfast: 3 satsumas (90kcal)

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: pot of jelly (9kcal)

Drinks: 1 x squash (4kcal), 4 x diet coke (12kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 115kcal

It seems we've all been busy - so don't worry that you have been away Alissia and Lilly. Thanx for the pats on the back, although i don't think i deserved them. I'll try harder next time, and do a week! I don't know if it was liquids that meant i lost weight slowly, because i was weighing myself in the morning when i was dehyrated. But, i'll pay attention next time and see if a pattern emerges, maybe i was being too hasty! Pounds don't seem to come off quick enough!

Also, thanks for anon, and Jasmine (who commented on the site) for being so amazing and leaving me a note. You don't know how much those little comments brighten my day! I love getting them.

Jasmine, please don't be scared to comment again. I understand what you mean about losing your way - it's happened to me many times! I'm afraid i can offer you no better advise than - dont make any excuses for your behaviour, and just tell yourself to get back on that horse. It's tough to start again, but many of us fall down by lunch then say 'oh well, i'll carry on tomorrow'. That's not the idea. Instead say, every day i give up is another day i stay the way i am. A week makes all the difference to losing weight! I will try to think of more constructive things for you soon, and post them. If you have any other queries, you can always bring them up in mymirrorimage's forum, and i'll answer asap.

Right, thats me signed out for today. I'll be back later probs, so please leave comments.

Poppy XoXOxOX

day 2 of fast completed! Just one more day and i'll be over the 3 day hump!

Heya.

Well, today i'm really feeling it. Not the hunger so much, because i can manage that with some of my stubborness. But i'm feeling so lethargic today, and it feels as though my brain is swimiming through treacle! I wouldn't usually notice, but since i'm beavering away at my essays, etc, i can see a difference.

I won't give in though. I can get through this. I just need to use more of my iron will!

Today i woke up late because i had trouble sleeping last night. This meant it wasn't much of a crawl past lunch. I helped myself to 2 diet cokes and time seemed to go ok. Everytime i want food, i keep shouting at myself - WHY?! There is no reason to want it. I am fat enough as it is, and after all that food, why should i be hungry? I have no right.

The rest of the day i pretty much just had 1lr bottle of water. At least im fulfilling the liquid intake for the day! What still angers me is how slowly the weight is coming off. After i ate that awful stuff, i must have put on 2lbs. But its taking me AGES to take it off! I weighed myself today and don't seem to be losing weight faster than i was before, when i was having 100-200kcals a day! It really is enough to make you feel helpless.

I can't get back into exercise yet because i've got all of this work. I'm hoping that when i finish my work which should be i just under a week now i can start doing more. I noticed there's a gym at uni and im gonna see what i can to join for a month. Also my friend and i have arranged to go for a walk for an hour every day and swim. So hopefully that ought to push my body into action!

Also i've just bought some more diet pills. I know alot of people say they don't work, and they are probably true and more prudent than i am. But i still want to see - anything that might work is worth a go. I've already tried lipovox, pink patch, 72 hour pill, proactol and hoodia. Now im on something called slinky. I take 2 pills 2 times a day. We'll have to see if it helps shift the weight quicker. I just want to weight off.

CALORIE LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 1ltr water, 3 x diet coke (12kcal)

TOTAL CAL INTAKE: 12kcal

Please let me know if you are still reading my blog and haven't disappeared. I want to know that my blogs are read, otherwise there's no reason to keep putting them up!

Hope you are all well (How are you Alissia and Lilly?)

Poppy xoxox

My Crime and Punishment

Right, well yesterday was a fiasco! Sorry about the silence but i was kind of having a rough time last night! So, as im one day behind, i'll do both days in this blog. They sort of link anyways!

6TH MAY 2009

Ok. Well it wasn't that the day wasn't going really well. I hadn't had anything to eat until my cuppa-soup in the evening. I had been weighing myself that day, and for no apparent reason. I wasn't losing, in fact i'd gained. It made no sense, since i was eating, usually, under 200kcals!

Now, bear in mind, i sometimes like to go on shop or takeaway sites, just to do 'dream baskets', full of all the things i won't let myself have. This time it was a pizza place.

I can't even rightly say what happened. I messed around a few times, went away and phoned my family who were happily tucking into pizza themselves. All i wanted to do was binge and stuff and vomit and feel something. I went and ordered (no lie) - meduim pizza with loads of toppings, garlic bread, stuffed potato skins and brownies with sauce.

I don't think i even regretted it when it arrived. I didn't hate myself then because i still had my safety net. I knew that when i ate it, i would just purge it back up. So when i got it to my room, i stuffed like i hardly ever stuff. I felt so full and uncomfortable that i wanted to cry. I managed to get some out with my method, but when that didn't work i had to resort to fingers. More came out, but it still wasn't even half.

Then came the guilt and anger. I was so angry with myself and was getting really upset that it wasnt all coming out. To rub salt in the wound, i weighed myself and i was appauled to see the numbers go up. So for the rest of the early morning, i spent it throwing up food every minute or so. But i didn't believe i got it all out. I was so angry, that in a sort of haze, i did something i haven't done for months. I cut myself with my razor. It just hated myself. Still do.

I then put the boxes in a bin bag so i didn't have to look at them. Eventually i managed to fall asleep, although i was so aware that i was full. I hated it. So i made a resolution. Because of my unforgivable binge, i would go on a fast for as long as i could. Hoping that it would at least shift the pounds, and avoid gaining too much.

Onto today...

7TH MAY 2009

I woke up tired and determined to punish myself. I had a really good seminar in the morning and spent the afternoon walking around town getting things done. I haven't reached for anything once. There's not even much to say about today. The only thing that struck me was how low i felt when i woke up. Clearly this was me coming down off a 'high' after purging. I can't believe it affected my life that much when i did it so much, but clearly it did!

So, day 1 of fasting done. Now, just to fill you all in, i allow myself certain liquids only.

o Diet sodas/pops

o Flavoured water (not unlimited)

o Sugar free squash (not unlimited)

o and, of course, water.

If i get hungry, i've allowed myself to have gum. I also allow myself a slice of lemon if im getting bored with plain water!

Thats pretty much it. I'm exhausted now, because i got up really early today. Hope this blog makes up for the lack of one the other day. I hope you understand why i couldn't write last night.

CALORIE LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 50cl water, 3 x squash (10kcal), 2 bottles coke (4kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 14kcal

(i won't add my walking for today)

Speak tomorrow lovelies!

Poppy XXOxx

I've had so many close sahves with food today, a tweezer couldn't get more out! :p

As you can tell, i'm a little desperate for sleep at the moment, so this blog isn't going to be as long as you or i might want it to be.

Well, i had arraged with my friend last night that she come over for 8.30am in order that we get in early to get our tickets for the ball. However, this meant i had to hide an evidence which sadly included my wonderful inspirational collage mirror. After i hid it all, i cut half an apple up and put it in my bag in case i really needed it.

When we got to uni we sorted out our tickets, then went to the shop because my friend wanted some breakfast. I got a drink and some go-ahead bars because i know, for me, they're still safe. We then went a found someplace to study - the dining hall! It was great studying although a little difficult to focus over the wafts of chips. We shared a small tub of olives (i let her have the cheese!), and i had my go ahead bar a little later. The idea to get takeaway was brought up, but i tried to steer her off that before she knew i was doing it.

When we did leave the hall at 3pm, we caught the bus into town and i went back to her house. However, not before i topped up on my essentials (lettuce, tomatoes, soups, etc) and she went to her supermarket. She would occasionally offer if i wanted anything, but i was quite proud to stick to my guns! Eventually we left, and heaved the bags to her place.

There i have spent quite a few hours before finally returning here, hence my late blog. I was worried because i knew that my staying hours would pass through teatime, so i bought a cuppa soup just as back up. Luckily i needed it, and avoided any offer of anything mildy calorific!

So..now im exhausted, but a little fed up because, despite having a good day, the scales haven't moved much. I know it's to do with metabolism, etc, but it is infuriating when your looking for encouragement.

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: yoghurt go ahead bar (144kcal)

Tea: slim a soup (60kcal)

Snack: 10 olives (26kcal)

Drinks: 1 pepsi max (1kcal), 3 glasses of squash (12kcal) and a 7up light (1kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 244kcal

It's not been the best day, but i've still stayed under the 300kcal restriction! Tomorrow i will do better. Also i have done quite alot of walking today, but i can't quantify how much, so i won't add it to any sort of total.

Speak tomorrow - leave comments (i know, im a comment whore!),

Poppy xoxoxo

Weigh in day! Yay - I'm soooooo happy!

Woo Hoo! Today is the first day of a new week and my weigh-in day!

So firstly, i'll tell you the results of my weigh-in.

I got up at 9am and made sure i had no liquids before i stood on the scales.

RESULTS:

WEIGHT LOSS/GAIN: LOST 9LBS!

Yes! Can you believe it, this week i've lost a whopping 9lbs! I'm so chuffed. I'm a little worried about loose skin though, which i've heard can happen with fast weight loss. Do you know anything that might help? I'm young so my skin should be quite flexible, but im not sure.

Right, after that little celebration, on to today. Firstly, if you expecting me to mention anything other than work, work, work then you'll be sorely disappointed! That's right, its been a tough day and i felt like i was drowing in books. Although i think from a book lovers point of view, thats probably the best way to go! lol.

After i got up, i decided i wouldn't have any breakfast because it was only 3 hours till midday. There's no point for unnecessary calories if i can help it. At 1pm i got myself a small salad and got back to work. I managed to finish both essays by 5pm then watched a film.

At 8pm, i was so hungry for my usual slim a soup, so had it. I am beginning to love those little mugs! ;) Now, im exhausted, and i apologise for the lateness of my blog as i've just been on the phone with a friend. Also i apologise for the shortness of my blog - i really have been working all day!

Right, i want bed as i have to get up at 8am to get tickets for our summer ball!

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: small salad - lettuce, 5 cherry tomatoes and 8 olives (34kcal)

Tea: slim a soup (60kcal)

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 5 pepsi max (5kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 99kcal

Thats all today - please leave me a 'whoop whoop' celebratory comment and rate! Hopefully i can keep up my weight loss this week, and won't just plateau!

Hugs and wishes,

x x Poppy x x

Tired, hungry but happy

Yay! The last day in the week and i'm completely knackered. Serious frantic writing of essays mixed with my eating is not good! Never mind, i'll get over it.

I got up at 9am today, despite being really tired, due to late study last night. I went straight away to writing my essay and didn't even think about breakfast. I only had 2 pepsi maxes to keep me awake.

When it got to 12 midday i decided to make my way to go to my friends house. I managed to cut up half an apple and put it in my bag in case i got hungry. The last thing i needed was to cave and give in to the cake on the last day of the week! When i went into the kitchen, one of my friends told me she had bought a cookie for me. I said thank you and, when she was gone, wrapped it in cellophane. I made sure i picked the one that look less appetising and it's now sitting in my drawer. Right now, im in no danger of eating it.

I finally heaved (and they REALLY were heavy) my laptop and bag, stuffed full of books onto my back. It would take me about 40 minutes to get to friends, with part of it being uphill. I reminded myself how much lighter i would be if the bags i were carrying now was my weight and i lost it. I went to sainsburys and avoided any traps. There is strange sense that you actually are treating yourself when you buy chocolate or cake for others. It satisfies some craving in you without you actually consuming anything. I bought the taste the difference thick chocolate fudge cake for them. At least they could enjoy it.

When i finally got to my friends, she commented on how slim i looked. I dont know how mucg of this weeks weight loss shows, but to me i feel no slimmer. I still have a long way to go. Compliments like that fill me with a pride but also with dread. Pride because clearly your work is showing, however i fear that someone will twig if they can spot it already. Anyways, i gave her the cake and told her i didnt want any because i'd eaten lunch a little earlier.

So much of me wanted that cake but i refrained. We studied and talked for hours. She said i could kip at hers if i want to during the summer. This is brilliant because whenever im finding it too hard to hide at home or they wont give me a break, i have somewhere to go. At 7pm i left, and i got home by 7.30.

I put off running for the slim a soup in the kitchen. Finally at 8.30pm i allowed myself to have it. Having that slim-a-soup is like a little bit of warm heaven! Its so delicious! I will definitely have to buy more. Right now, im writing to you before i continue with my essay which i MUST complete today. snooze... I'll be able to get to sleep easy enough tonight!

Ok, lets get straight on to the cals -

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Brocolli and Cauliflower slim-a-soup (60kcal)

Snack: 1/2 apple (36kcal)

Drinks: 3 pepsi max (3kcal), 2 low cal flavoured waters (12kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 111kcal


EXERCISE LIST:

Walking 50 mins at least (170kcal)

TOTAL CALS BURNT: 170kcal


Right, im getting behind with my work, so i'll get back to you tomorrow. Please have you comments at the ready for tomorrow's WEIGH IN! Can't wait!

Poppy xOxXooOx

Work work work...oh, and a little eating

Good evening all!

My first week back is nearly up and i can't wait until Monday morning when i weight myself. I must confess, i have been weighing myself at least once a day, and it is going VERY WELL! Anyways, i'll leave you on that little tenterhook for another day and a half!

My waking hours are getting later and later now. I think today was because my housemates woke me up at 2am and i found it majorly hard to get back to sleep. At least they were having fun! So i got up at about 10am. I knew i had to go into town, and had to get loads of my essay done. But i was really trying to delay my essay so ended up scouring youtube. oops!

Before i knew it, it was midday. So i decided there was no point for breakfast, and marched off into town. I picked up a few things for a care package for my family back home, because they are feeling a bit low at the moment. I had to deal with the smells again and it really wasnt nice. I had the pasty shop waving in my face, and i do miss those cheese pasties, then i passed the fish and chip shop, then i passed a restaurant and i could smell beef burgers coming from the vent. So strong! (Note: although i don't eat meat, doesn't mean my mouth doesn't water at the smell of it, i just wouldn't EAT it). But i knew if i even ate one of those things, it would all be a waste of time and i would hate myself even more.

I had to go to sainsburys to pick up some more flowers for my room and pepsi max (love it love it love it!). I found it surprisingly easy to avoid the bad things, but i imagine had i been standing in front of them it would have been harder. I then walked home with all my bags, for extra exercise and was so hot by the time i got back. This was largely not because im lazy (although i could probably do with ALOT more exercise), but because today has been a tremendously hot day! When i got back, i couldn't resist to try on the dress that i want to wear to the ball in a months time. I was so chuffed to find the zip did all the way up. Now i've just got to lose roughly half a stone and it'll be perfect. Can't wait!

This afternoon has been me pushing on with work. I had to take a break for some sort of food because i couldn't concentrate properly. So, for lunch i had a small salad, and then for tea i had a slim a soup and olives. That slim a soup was heaven - i hardly have any hot food here because i am really petrified of cooking in the kitchen where others can see me. I am convinced people will be thinking 'eugh! she's fat!'.

Altogether, today has been a good day and im going to try to maintain my good progress tomorrow - the last thing i want to do is fall at the last hurdle before the end of the week! I'm a bit worried as well because i'm going up to see a friend tomorrow and she mentioned lunch. Luckily it's at 1pm so i can pretend i've had lunch, but im going to take cake up for them because they've been really good to me. I just hope no one forces cake on me - i'll be really upset.

Right, onto the mathematics of the day - who said maths isn't used anymore in the real world?!

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: a small salad - 1/3 lettuce, 4 cherry tomatoes, and 10 olives (40kcal)

Tea: 1 sachet of brocolli and cauliflower slim a soup (60kcal), 3 olives (6kcal)

Snack: 1 piece of gum (5kcal)

Drinks: 4 1/2 pepsi max (4.5kcal), 2 glasses of squash (8kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 123.5kcal

EXERCISE LIST:

Walking 40 minutes at least (150kcal)

TOTAL CALS BURNT: 150kcal

Ok, i've got to wrap up for tonight, and finish my essay. A quick message to Lilly - Thanks for your support - yesterday was so rough. I'm sorry to hear you're ill, but at least it's nothing too serious and, like you said, you're losing a few pounds! I used to wish i'd have a stomach flu - its always different when you get it though! After i finish uni (last date at my current place is 28th june), i have to go back home. I'm really nervous about that because things will start getting difficult again and i'll be so close to my goal by that point. Hopefully i will get through it, like i did the last time i was doing so well - i was at home for all of that. Keep your fingers crossed for me in July!

Night night, speak soon and get well soon Lilly!

xo Poppy ox :)

Cookies are my arch nemesis - I think the cookie monster actually lives inside of me!

Back again!

I know! You must be in shock that my blogs are staying this frequent! I'm amazed too. I so loaded down with coursework, but i refuse to let that stop me coming on here every evening.

Today has again been...err...eventful. When i woke up i got uber-dizzy, most likely because of the fact i'd had only an apple, gum and 2 polos the previous day. It took two goes, but i managed to stand upright without a head rush eventually! It was 9am, i didn't eat until 11am when i had the other 1/2 an apple.

I was so chuffed with how i was doing. I've been reading like crazy today - had to get through loads of books for my essay, so that i can begin writing it tomorrow. I'm getting so panicky!

Anyways, it has been an absoloutely beautiful day! This is virtually unheard of in Britian! ;) I went for a walk into town and bought some books. Then i decided it would be a good idea to buy some cookies for my housemates. Can you already see where this is going?...

When i got home, i dumped my stuff. It only took 10 minutes before i'd decided to scoff most. I ate 5 cookies and rapidly purged them. I usually have trouble with bakery goods, but im pretty confident that most of it came out. I weighed myself soon after, and a few hours after, and have stayed the same.

As a punishment, i haven't had anything since 2pm. Only 3 pepsi maxs. I'm just nervous to see the scales tomorrow morning - i don't want to spoil my good progress.

I was invited to go out to eat with a friend yesterday, and my heart started beating about a thousand times faster when she mentioned it. They wanted to go to an actual restaurant, not just somewhere where i could get away with a drink. But it was tonight, and i haven't heard any word. So phew!

Tomorrow it's more work and im hoping to get a good start on my essay. *crosses fingers*. I'm on the edge of panic mode. Give it a few days and im gonna start crying and hyperventialating. :z

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: 1/2 apple (36kcal)

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: 1 piece of gum (5kcal)

Drinks: 5 pepsi max (5kcal)

Binged on - 5 cookies (purged all)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 46kcal

EXERCISE LIST:

Walking: 40 minutes at least (150kcal)

A really huge THHHAAAANNNNKKKSSS to Alissia and Lilly for commenting. I value your comments like gold dust! Thanks for the encouragement Alissia, you made me feel so good about yesterday when i read your comment. Hope you don't think too badly of me after today! I'm really sorry to hear you're ill, Lilly. I so hope it's not serious. Please email me (lifeisafreefallplunge@hotmail.co.uk) or leave a comment to let me know you're ok. kisses to you both - xxxx

Right, im really tired (again!) now so im gonna get some sleep until another day (sigh!),

Poppy XoXoX

Rushing around, too busy to eat! Yes!

I can't believe what a busy bee i've been over the last two days. It's as if some creul fate up there is messing with my life, deciding to give me social life when this is the time i most need to be focused on my work!

Enough moaning, and on to the blog. Today has been rather hectic - or it has if you've been in it. I woke at 7am and had a few hours to spare, so i tried to get some work done.

However, i had a packet of cookies in my drawer that i couldn't ignore. They were constantly pulling my stomach and i so wanted one. I thought to myself that enough was enough with making excuses. I put a label on them and left them in the kitchen for my housemates to eat. I hoped they would all be gone when i got back...

I cut an apple into pieces, and ate half for breakfast. Before i ate it, i weighed it out and calculated the cals exactly. I put the other half in a box for my lunch. I decided it would probably be best to have a piece of gum to chew on in class, to save myself from getting too hungry. Finally, the tape measure i'd ordered arrived! The one i was using was too short, and so now i can measure my WHR (weight/height ratio), and Body Fat. Altough there is a creul irony that on the same day, i got a letter from the mental health team about an appointment. damn.

I stepped outside in a thin top and thought 'bugger. im going to get wet!'. It was pouring down! I managed to wade myself to the bus stop and got the bus to uni. I sat in my seminar for two hours and managed to help a girl with her essay plan. When we finished, i went to the library to look over someone else's essay. I so wanted to eat something, but i HATE eating out in public. Therefore i didn't have anything for lunch. I counted it only as a good thing.

I had a lecture 3-4, then went to the library to talk over the essay with the girl. We chatted for a while, and she offered me polos. As much as i wanted to say no completely, i knew how rude it would look. I ended up having two, when she gave a whole lot, i said i'd save them till later and put them in the foil.

Finally, after getting drenched in the rain, i arrived back at the flat. I dumped my bags and went straight to the kitchen. I met one of my flatmates and we started chatting. Before i knew it, i'd been chatting for nearly an hour and a half. I came to my room for half an hour to phone my sister, before going back to the kitchen again to talk some more.

So, it happened that, as much as i could allow myself a bit more calories, i actually found i couldn't have them, because i was busy! I'm sorry to say, as much as i want to carry on chatting - im absolotely exhausted!

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: 1/2 apple (36kcal)

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: 2 pieces of gum (10kcal), 2 polos (10kcal)

Drinks: 2 pepsi max (2kcal), no sugar fruit shoot (6kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 64kcal

I'll be back on tomorrow. Please do comment, even if it's just to say 'great!'

Poppy XxX

Wow! I can't believe i actually socialised! I believe in miracles...

Firstly, i want to burst into a grovelling apology for anyone who logged on to my blog at 8pm. I was out with some people from my classes, doing more work until 10pm! yawn (not at the group, but god im tired now!)

So, onto the blog! Well i got up early at 7am and went about cracking on with my essay. I realised that my word count was going to be a really tight squeeze, until it dawned on me i'd added in the footnotes as well! duh!

I had 100g of alpro yoghurt this morning with 1 tsp of sweetner. I felt like i was doing something illegal by sneaking out of my room and weighing my food in the kitchen! The only problem as the day wore on was my lack of activity. Througout the morning, i stayed focused on my work, however it's harder to ignore stomach pangs. I had 3 go ahead slices before midday. Then when midday hit i had 6 olives. mmm...

It wasn't long before i had to head off to uni for my seminar, so at 3pm i got on the bus. I had a piece of gum to tide me over for the two hours. After one of the girls offered me to join their out of hours workshop group. So, not refusing a social invitation, i went with them to the pub and we went through our course work. No - seriously! We even had water, not alcohol - we must be the most appauling students ever!

When it hit 10pm, we had to leave. I waited for the bus and eventually it arrived. I've just got in now! Phew! Oh well, its kept me busy. The worst bit about the pub workshop was that nearly everyone else had big plates of food. The smell was intoxicating, but i would have never had dared order any. I'm fat as it is!

Right, so this blog is a little short today, mostly because im beat and i want to get a good nights sleep! zzz... But i will be back tomorrow for a longer blog, hopefully.

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: 100g alpro yoghurt with 1 tsp sweetner (61kcal)

Snack: 3 go ahead slices (156kcal), 1 piece of gum (5kcal)

Lunch: 6 olives (12kcal)

Tea: brocolli light cuppa soup (60kcal)

Drink: 5 pepsi max with ice (5kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 299kcal

A huge shout out and hug to Alissia, who has stuck through my blogs even when they failed to exist! Thank you so much, and im so glad you are enjoying seeing the blogs back. I wont disappoint you this time...

Until tomorrow then,

Poppy oxoxo :)

Ugh! I hate lethargy - snooze...

Back for another day...

Today's been tougher because i've had to stay inside all day in order for me to get all my work done. And yet when im inside and trying to get on with work, all i can think about is not eating and how to avoid it!

I had taken some pills last night to get me to sleep, however it leaves you drowsy the nest day. So when i got up i didn't do anything for hours because i was too lethargic to do work, but too awake to sleep! It was a nightmare!

Eventually i did get up and get on with my work at about 9am. I had 2 go-ahead slices and a pepsi max to keep me awake. It slugged along to midday, and trying to write my essay was like pulling teeth. Painful.

At 1pm I had my other slice (there's 3 in a pack) and 40g of grapes. One of the best purchases i've made was my scales - they are brilliant when you need to convert things to calories. I continued with my work, interspersing it with episodes of '8 out of 10 cats' (yes, i've progressed to series 5!). Around 6.00pm, i decided to have my tea. It was a small bowl of lettuce, 1/5 cucumber, 3 cherry tomatoes and 6 olives. I did actually enjoy it!

I made sure the girls weren't anywhere near the kitchen when i got the food. My heart always skips a beat if i hear someone come out of my room when im preparing food! I will tell you now, that since i've been in this flat (since january), i've only eaten in front of the flatmates once. Only two meals i cooked were properly prepared ones (not microwaved), and of all the meals i've had many were for purging - mainly macaroni cheese.

Since then, i've been back in my room again and am now going to get another early night (although im correcting myself bit by bit, its getting later by an hour every day).

Thanks for your comment Lily! It's so nice to hear from you again. I hope you're ok, please let me know how things are going. Last time i spoke to you, you said you were going through a rough patch i think, is it any better now?

Also thanks for the two who ticked the boxes below my last blog - i do check and it does encourage me to blog again. So please rate and comment - every little helps!

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: 2 go-ahead slices (104kcal)

Lunch: 1 go-ahead slice (52kcal), 40g grapes (28kcal)

Tea: small salad - lettuce, 3 cherry toms, 1/5 cucumber, 6 olives (30kcal)

Snack: 3 pieces of gum (15kcal)

Drinks: 4 pepsi max (4kcal) with ice

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 233kcal

So, tomorrow i go to uni and i don't know whether im happy or nervous. I keep thinking 'what a waste of time' when i can spend it trying to complete the assignments, and not sitting to stuff that isn't going to help me with the essay question! Im not bitter or anything ;)

Right, a bientot! And i'll blog same time tomorrow!

Xx Poppy xX

Premature pangs and holding your breath - Oh! It's good to be back!

Halooo!

I actually mean the title by the way, im not just being sarcastic. I have missed it, like some bizzare hole in the head - i know i shouldn't miss it, but its like a strange drug!

Finally, i'm here and refeshed with a new blog! I hope you are all okay and doing well? Please let me know, i love hearing how you are doing and whats been happening...

Anyways, in my life, it's not going to be fantastically interesting for the next few months. The deadlines for all my work are looming, so alot of my time is spent frantically typing away at a computer! Err... a bit like now!

I know this is a little early, but those who have read my blogs before know of my rubbish sleeping habits. At the moment, i tend to find im going to bed at 6pm. My body automatically woke me up at 2am today! I was so annoyed!

As i got up so early, it was REALLY painful crawl to lunch. You know, have you ever experienced the pain of getting up too early, only to realise you are going to have hunger pangs so much earlier than you usually get them. At least when i woke up at midday i knew one mealtime was out of the window already!

So i ended up watching loads of episodes of '8 out of 10 cats', which is a really fab british comedy panel show. Here's the link to watch them on the user's youtube account: http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=A10D05F0F5517026

Anyways, when it hit about 1pm, i knew i had to go out to sort my loan out (amongst other things!). So far, i'd had 3 pieces of gum, 3 cans of pepsi max and a glass of water. You will find, if you check up on this blog, that i'm a complete diet soda fiend. People say it's unhealthy - but none of what im doing is healthy, and everything nowadays seems to do bad things to you - according to the papers!

I marched into town which is a good 20-25 minute walk. Without browsing and pottering, i managed to do alot of fast walking in town. I had to hold my breath twice though - once when passing a takeaway van and another was a fish and chip shop. You wouldn't believe the rumbles and squeasing my stomach does when i even get a whiff of cooked food. Or maybe you can!

After doing my bits in town, i went to Sainsburys. This is a dangerous place at the best of times, its a bit of a food gauntlet. No matter where you look theres food coming at you! However, i can't live without my ice and pepsi! Oh, and syndol from the pharmacy (i use it to sleep - not a good idea to anyone thinking about it). However, i remained resolute and stayed at the end of the aisles near the tills knowing that there is a place i feel most self concious that people are looking at me. I didn't find it too hard today, however i think it might be something to do with my inspirational mirror collage i have on my wall. It's brilliant and everytime i look at it, it reminds me why im hungry - because im a fat pig!

I walked back out with my heavy bags and consoled myself that the bags were adding weight to my arms, therefore were burning more fat. Since i've been back in the flat (see note 1 below), i've pretty much been getting on with work and watching more comedy. I had some grapes and then 6 small green olives. I love olives (really love them!), especially because they're really salty tasting. Its a great strong flavour when your dealing with other bland foods. It got a bit later and, as much as i wanted to blog at the appointed 9pm GMT time, im just too tired to hold on. It's just gone 6pm GMT here, if you're wondering!

note 1: For the record, i am now in a flat in student residence with another 4 girls! stress! I found two new pet peeves - slamming doors and screaming! I'm set to finish uni soon, and the last day here is looking to be around the 28th June.

I hope you all love the new site. I spent quite alot of time on it and wanted to get it as informative as possible. I didn't want too many pro or wanna-anas on there, so i tried to make it as neutral as possible, by supporting recovery in it as well. It's not quite as interactive as i might want, but i don't know any other way to make it more interactive. Im hoping to get a forum up soon, and let me know if you would be interested in posting a poem or a piece of writing.

Here's my lists for today (i feel like a school child handing over their homework!):

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast - N/A

Lunch: N/A

Tea: N/A

Snack: 72g of grapes (50kcal), 6 small olives (12kcal), 5 pieces of gum (25kcal)

I would like to point out that gum is considered a negative food, however i don't trust neg cals, so i add all of them in. I mean, who says how much chewing equals a calorie?

Drinks: 2 x glass of water with lemon strip (4kcal), 6 x pepsi max (6kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 97KCAL

EXERCISE LIST :

Walking: 40 mins at least (150kcal)

Although usually i wouldn't count this as proper exercise, it's the only thing i've done today. Therefore im adding it, so there! ;)

TOTAL CALS BURNT: 150KCAL

Right, well thats all today! I hope that you have enjoyed my blog and are glad to see it back. I will be blogging everyday, as i used to. Please rate away, and leave me loads of comments. If you have a question feel free to comment it, and i'll try to get back to you...

Ta-ta, and have a nice day,

Poppy xoxox

Prepare for the beginning...again!

Oh yes! A little surprise i hope you will all be thrilled to hear -

IM COMING BACK ON MONDAY at 9pm GMT!

I kept on delaying by saying 'just lose a little more' and then things went awry and before i knew it i'd be another month in.

So enough - I'm back and writing! The summer ball is only 2 months away and its all steam ahead because i really want to fit into my red dress!

See you tomorrow!

Xo Poppy oX

Need somewhere to reach, don't be afraid to contact me...i'll still be here

Hi!

This is just a quick note to say im probably not going to be blogging for at least another few weeks. However, this doesn't mean that i won't be around to email if you need any help, advice or even just someone to talk to.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time lily, please email me and we can talk. I don't have your email so i can't send you anything longer than this message - Don't worry, your strong. Whatever it is im sure you'll get through it. Email me and we can talk over it if you like.

MY EMAIL: lifeisafreefallplunge@hotmail.co.uk

So basically thats it for now. Im SUPER stuffed with work, and i mean, MAJORLY! I'm doing a creative equivalent of a dissertation on top of another 2 Eng Lit modules so im kinda overwhelmed at the mo!

Please, if you have anything you want to talk about, or are having a rough time then email me. I'm on alot so chances are i will reply quite quickly!

All my love, keep strong girlies!

Poppy xox

Over the exam and onto new beginnings and semesters...

Heya!
Sorry about the big pause in blogs! I've moved back to uni and revised my ass off the first week i was here. After that i've kinda been settling in and sleeping...lots! lol.

But i have finally managed to pull myself from my bed and write this blog! I've had my time to myself to settle in, now it's time to get to the real buisiness.

Before my exam, i began to fast, and did this for 2 days. Lily - you remember our conversation online then and im sorry i didnt reply with the blog i promised. However, i decided to stop the fast then because i had an exam on monday and decided it probably wasnt a good idea to eat nothing for 6 days prior to my first exam in a year!

On the flip side however, this means that since a few days before the exam i had been constantly binging and vomitting. I have only eaten a hot meal in the main kitchen once and the rest of the time i've been snacking then purging. I ate eating with people, so it has become my only option.

Now that the exam is over and the new semester is beginning, its time to return to restricting, otherwise i can't see how my b/p ing can get more out of hand. I still have a lot of weight to lose.

So from tomorrow, i will be returning to normal blogging routines and look forward to hearing from you then.

Thank you all for your messages in the guestbook, i always love to hear what you have to say, even if its just a message of support.

tcstar - i did put some weight on during the hols, and due to my b/p ing and stopping of the fast too early, the weight i originally lost in the week i reported is back on. I have decided not to disclose my weight until im back at my lowest point so far, again. This will hopefully only take me 3-4 weeks. we shall see...

Speak to you all tomorrow.

Poppy XoXo

Three days touching the outer cicles of Hell. Cooling off today. Melodramatic? Probably!

Back for another blog!


I'm sorry it was so long between the last blog and this one. It's just that things kind of went a bit crazy food-wise and now, today its jammed back into it's rhythm again I feel more able to come and write to you all.

It wasn't that it was ever out of rhythm, it was just that i was in the more mia frame of mind as the days went on, and then today it has corrected itself.

I'm not going to sit here and do individual blogs for the next few hours because i think it would seriously take that long! lol. But i will give you a brief overview of the last four days. On the first day i was gutted because i 'tripped' food-wise and purged a little. Then on the next day i did worse and purged again. On the third day i was in torment when i did it again and this time it was a serious purge. Today has been like a splash of cold water to the face. It's been a good'un!

So... CIRCLE 1 - Tuesday

I hardly ate anything but, of course, i slipped up at night. I think, if i remember rightly, i ate a biscuit. I felt so awful for it and immediately tried, despite the fact i find bakery hard, to purge it up. Sucess.

On to... CIRCLE 2 - Wednesday

Sorry these are so short, but i really can't split the days apart. I stick to the no breakfast, no lunch rule but it makes things harder later on. I had weighed myself after the day before and found i'd actually lost a bit. However, despite this reprise at my bad eating the day before, i still greedily pigged out on more biscuits and crackers later in the evening. I purged them too.

Lastly... CIRCLE 3 - Thursday

This day i remember well. That's because i weighed myself and hadn't gained anything. So, that meant i had been let off twice by some miracle and refused to tempt fate my way again. As usual, i didn't eat breakfast or lunch. I went to meet my mum in the nearby city and managed to whizz and do some shopping. I had managed to go into Thorntons and buy a box of chocolates as a gift to my ex-work collegues without getting anything for myself. But before i left, i found legs leading me in the direction of another chocolate shop.

It sounds absurd to say that it was like i had no control and that in my head i HAD to buy the chocolate. It was a compulsion and as much as i was chanting 'i shouldn't' in my head, i still did it. This is typical mia thinking. So i bought 2 large bars and a packet of chocs. So by the time i got home my family was almost home.

I ate the chocolate and purged it. But i got a really painful stomach (like the kind you get when you've swallowed too many laxies). I told my mum i wouldn't have tea so saved myself stuffing myself with more crap. I stayed in my room and just let it pass. By the time it had, everyone was going to bed. Even though i didn't feel the slightest bit hungry, i still opened the chocolates i had meant to give as a gift the next day. After stuffing those, i did the same - purged. Then slept.

COOL OFF- Today / Thursday

So today, i had to bring out the whip and get to grips with the days before. Firstly, i decided i couldn't have that much luck on a third time and stepped onto the scales. Result! Since my last weigh in on the Tuesday, i'd lost 2lbs! I decided i wasnt going to give the scales an excuse to creep back up so i didnt eat breakfast or lunch. After 1pm, i got a lift to the supermarket and bought my tea (veg soup) and another box of chocs for my old workplace. Then my grandma drove me down to my old workplace and went. After chatting for a bit i started walking home (btw. i DID give them the chocs before you start worrying! lol). So by the time i got home i had blisters on my feet because of a bad choice of footwear and id had to lug two bags of straw and a bag of frozen food back! but i made my self feel better by the fact that carrying the bags was working my muscles!

For tea i had half the soup and, i'll admit, half a roll. I'll tell you now, it'll be so much easier when there are no carbs about. When im away, at least i won't be buying it, therefore eating it!

So that's pretty much it for the last four days! not much, huh?

Here's my calories for today:

FOOD SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
half veg soup 115kcal
half roll 122kcal

Snack
nothing 0kcal

Drinks
diet coke 1kcal
small glass ribena no/sug 4kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 242KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

I'm not including the walk because that was basic, and pitiful if its all i can put in as exercise!

As for my weigh-ins, i wasn't sure what day i should start posting them up again. It was originally Tuesday, so i did weigh myself on the Tuesday just gone (lost 4lbs). But i've decided to move weigh in day to Thursday, to keep from messing up the system of WEEKLY weigh ins. So, we'll start with today's weigh in:

LBS GAINED / LOST:

6LBS!

Yes! I'm almost halfway now until im back at my lowest since i started. I've just got to keep on pushing, and who knows, hopefully it wont take a full month for the rest to drop off!

Please give me feedback on my blogs since i never know if you're all liking them or not and if they are at all useful.

BIG NOTE ON TOMORROW! - I am returning to Uni tomorrow and am moving in to a new halls. You can request internet but it's not automatically there, and you have to pay extra for it. So, i might not be able to do a blog tomorrow but i'll get on as soon as possible.

In the meantime, please fill my guestbook - i do check every day!

PoPpY xOxXox

'It's holding me, morphing me / and forcing me to strive' - Hysteria by Muse

Don't you just love this picture? I found it on deviantart and couldn't resist but give it pride of place on my blog!


So...I'm making up for two days here in this blog. The reason i didn't post yesterday was because the day went well. How? Well, i fell asleep early thus restricting my night binging habits, which i have fallen prey to tonight. But enough of that later - i better start from the beginnings.

YESTERDAY / 3RD JAN 2009

A good day! Oh yes! I was really happy with yesterday and enjoyed, in a sort of way, the hunger pangs. I told myself that it only meant i was losing more weight and that i would be thankful for it the next morning when i weighed myself.

It was my last day at work! Whoopee! It's hard, once you have gotten out of the routine of hidding your eating habits, to build it up again. I found this when it came to lunch with the boss. Over the last 2 months, at lunch i've been eating with her in the back room. However, obviously, yesterday was going to be the exception. I made my excuses that i wanted to sit out on the wall i used to eat my lunch for 5 minutes then would be back in. Then, if she asked, i could simply say that i ate outside. Luckily all was ok and crisis overted.

It was onward and upwards as the day flew by and before i knew it we were closing. I had managed to drink just bottled drinks that i knew the cals of all day rather than freely out of my low ribena bottle. The only concession to eating i had made was a low fat shape yoghurt at lunch like i used to do at work.

Back at home, i really felt like skipping tea and was debating whether to do it. When my mum called 5 minutes i knew i couldn't go to sleep fast enough to get out of it by the time they checked so, given that i was safely under my limit, i went down. Before i did i took 2 migrane tablets so that i would feel drowsy when i got back upstairs.

The orange pool of soup that stood awaiting me did not encourage my appetite, but under scrutinous gazes, i ate it. Soon after washing up, i excused myself and went upstairs. The drowsy feeling had hit me but it was sort of a mild tiredness. Not satisfied with the state of sleepiness the pills had given me, i took another. Soon after i fell asleep (meaning i didn't do my blog last night). This stopped me from midnight picking.

Note: Using pills for this sort of thing is not healthy or prooted by this blog. I know what i do with these pills is wrong and could lead to dangerous and harming behaviour. I would never encourage any of you to do the same. Unfortunately, they come too handy to me and i haven't yet given in to using them in this manner.

CAL SECTION FOR SAT:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
shape yoghurt 71kcal

Tea
1/2 winter soup 163kcal

Snack
2xno sugar gum 10kcal

Drinks
flavoured no sug water 7kcal
hot ribena 6kcal
bottle pepsi max 2kcal
bottle diet coke 2kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 261KCAL

EXERCISE SECTION:

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 mins walk to work 120kcal

TOTAL CALS BURNED 120KCAL

So - that was my good day. Now comes the downer! Oh Yes!

TODAY / 4TH JAN 2009

I awoke (at 2pm) with a trepidation to weigh myself, eager to see how the day before had paid off. Perhaps i was impatient, i was, no doubt, but i still went. When i stood on i couldnt believe it! From the day before i hadn't lost anything! I was so angry. I should have stuck with it. and my resolve was to do just that but it fell too fast for me to be proud of.

I didn't have much time to think about it, as my sister and i were heading off the the cinema. We had to run for the bus but eventually we got it. At the cinema, it can be a nightmare when it comes to food. I had planned to steer away, convincing myself that you can apprieciate a movie better without background munching. But when my sister bought some sweets, i was already kicking myself for a mistake i hadnt made yet. In the dark, perhaps you think no one can see you and hope that after you've eaten your way through half a bag, that they wont be able to for the next 10 years so you can work it off before the light come up! That's what i was hoping after i ate some of them. And despite the fact i was still concious enough, when the lights were down, to know what i was doing, i was still surprised at myself when the lights came up. I am so angry at myself.

After we came out, we walked to the bus stop, only to find the buses had ended. So we waited in a nearby restaurant for our stepdad to pick us up. By the time we got home, mum was cooking tea. I told her i didnt want anything, to which her reply was 'oh. well you'll just have to have to rosti on its own then'. Thats right - she'd already cooked me up something! Argh! Im not going to miss that when i go away. Although i have a funny feeling that they are not giving me an option on purpose because they know i'll just say no.

Anyhow, not disuaging my guilt, i had to sit down and eat a rosti as well. After that i did the washing up and have been in my room since. I'm seriously ready for bed!

TODAYS CAL SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
1x veggie rosti 280kcal

Snack
1/2 bag m&ms 500kcal(ouch)

Drinks
water 0kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 780KCALS

I feel like im walking around with bruises, it feels so physical. You have no idea how painful it feel having to write how many cals were in that bag. It hurts.

I'm looking on the brightside for tomorrow because all my family will be back at work which means i will have the house to myself. I turn this means more time to empty freezers, stock up back up low cal foods and not eat!

Must go 'cos im knackered! Glad to hear from you all - you sound well!

Poppy X*-o-*X

wise lyrics of the week:
it's bugging me, grueling me
and twisting me around
yeah I'm endlessly caving in
and turning inside out

- Hysteria by Muse
(i imagine these lyrics as showing the physicality of an ED, caving in is Ana and turning inside out is Mia)

Boring day i'm afraid...my brains so frazzled there's not even a witty title! oops!

Heya!


This blog is being a right pain, and im loathed to admit that for tonight it had defeated me. That is why i have an old blog picture up and why the writing is not next to the image. Damn Freewebs!

Now, onto today, which has been uneventful im afraid. I got up at the not-so-unreasonable time of 12 midday. I spend most of the afternoon with my sister, messing around. She had had lunch so i didnt have to worry about her bringing it up. We walked into town and i managed to grab some much needed essentials. I picked up a soup for tea, which meant i wouldnt have to panic when it came to eating.

Back home, we spent the rest of the day relaxing, and i spent the time looking up more images to encourage me. Tea was sucessful and i only had my soup.

I told you today was boring! I want to go to sleep soon though because im working tomorrow and its my last day!

Now, i just want to publish a quick note on my WEIGHT. The ticker tape marking my weight (on my profile page) was the lowest point i've gotten so far over these last few months. However, i have not edited it after my recent weight gain. I will not edit it. Instead, i am just going to keep losing the weight (recording it here but not on the tape) until im back where i last laft off. Hopefully it wont take long...

Right here's today -

CALORIE SECTION:

(bum! they've gotten rid of the tables as well!)

BREAKFAST nothing

LUNCH nothing

TEA 1/2 soup 167kcal

SNACK nothing

DRINKS can diet coke 1kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED : 168kcal

Night Night for now, and i'll hopefully speak to you tomorrow with a more co-operative blog!

ps. please leave messages, you have no idea how encouraging they are to me!

Poppy X x X x

Happy 2009 - My new motto: You only get one shot at this year so aim well.

Wow!
I'm actually writing a blog! I hope all of you that have noticed the humungous chasm in my blogs have read my apology? If not, please do - i owe you it.

Anyway, thats the last you'll hear of it from me. I won't mention it anymore in my blog.

On the eve of the new year, i made a promise to become thin. I WILL achieve this. When the clock struck into the New Year, i didn't feel scared, just thankful it had arrived. I hugged my mum, although she would have thought it was because it was 2009! As well as that, I was hugging her then as an apology for all the pain i had put her through in 2008, and for all the stress i would undoubtedly put her through in 2009. It sound incredibly selfish to say i know that my actions with my eating this year will make her upset. I know that, but i also know i can't avoid it. There isn't another option - I was just apologising beforehand.

Fifteen minutes after we raised our glasses to the new year, i was offering up my first purge as well. My pudding hadn't really settled from our late tea, and i decided i might as well cleanse my system now i was beginning again...or did i ever really finish? No - I'm just kicking it up a gear now.

So today, most of which consisted of sleeping began well. The sleeping was the good part! I slept until 1pm then hid out in my room studying for my upcoming exam until 5.30pm. I was constantly worrying about going downstairs because i didn't know what was going to happen about tea. I had avoided lunch, and had stupidly forgotten to stock up on low cal back-up foods for meals with the family. I had also forgotten to throw away all my high cal foods so that they couldnt something out of the freezer and say 'here you go! you can have this!'.

As you can imagine, what do you think happened to me today? Yes - it was a 'you can have this!' scenario. It was not the kind of situation i had wanted. I had managed to stay up in my room when my mum told me that there was 1/2 an hour until tea. I decided to go down when there was only 5 mintues left and heat myself up a weight watchers soup. However, it seems my family had other plans because when i came downstairs they said they had cooked something for me, as i wouldn't come down and find something myself. SHIT!

I ate it dutifully, leaving part of the rosti. I was thankful i hadn't eaten anything earlier. I keep telling myself that i only have one shot at each day in 2009, it only comes around once - if i fail this year, i might as well kill myself now. I know it sound melodramatic, but i really don't see a future if i have to stay at this weight.

That's pretty much all for today. It's going to get better from tomorrow onwards - the dawn IS breaking. Why you ask? Because my mum and stepdad are going away tomorrow and not returning until Saturday evening, and my sister will be out ost of tomorrow. Then Saturday is my last day working at my current stinky job! Yes! No more having to be around food! That just caused problems.

The BEST NEWS OF IT ALL? Well..if all goes well *touch wood*, i will be returning to university in just over a week! Yippee! Goodbye force feeding! And...my own bathroom! What joy! haha!

I am dying to know how you are all getting on with your lives. Please let me know, its been ages since i've heard from you all and feel free to make me feel as bad as possible with your incredible weight loss! lol.

In summary - its not been FANTASTIC today, but i can live with it until tomorrow when i will try to beat it. Also, exercise needs to be kicked back into action which im not doing until i return to uni i think.

CALORIE SECTION:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
Nothing 0kcal

Tea
cranberry and butternut squash rosti 280kcal
small port mashed potato 100kcal
veggies 20kcal

Snack
Nothing 0kcal

Drinks
a diet coke 2kcal

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 402KCAL

Notes on cal section - I must cut out carbs again. I was so annoyed because i didnt ASK for the potatoes and they still ended up on my plate. Also, i'm sort of guessing with the cals for the potatoes. I cant find any reliable sorces. It was made with only a little butter and skimmed milk. I will keep looking...

Love Poppy xox