I'm actually writing a blog! I hope all of you that have noticed the humungous chasm in my blogs have read my apology? If not, please do - i owe you it.
Anyway, thats the last you'll hear of it from me. I won't mention it anymore in my blog.
On the eve of the new year, i made a promise to become thin. I WILL achieve this. When the clock struck into the New Year, i didn't feel scared, just thankful it had arrived. I hugged my mum, although she would have thought it was because it was 2009! As well as that, I was hugging her then as an apology for all the pain i had put her through in 2008, and for all the stress i would undoubtedly put her through in 2009. It sound incredibly selfish to say i know that my actions with my eating this year will make her upset. I know that, but i also know i can't avoid it. There isn't another option - I was just apologising beforehand.
Fifteen minutes after we raised our glasses to the new year, i was offering up my first purge as well. My pudding hadn't really settled from our late tea, and i decided i might as well cleanse my system now i was beginning again...or did i ever really finish? No - I'm just kicking it up a gear now.
So today, most of which consisted of sleeping began well. The sleeping was the good part! I slept until 1pm then hid out in my room studying for my upcoming exam until 5.30pm. I was constantly worrying about going downstairs because i didn't know what was going to happen about tea. I had avoided lunch, and had stupidly forgotten to stock up on low cal back-up foods for meals with the family. I had also forgotten to throw away all my high cal foods so that they couldnt something out of the freezer and say 'here you go! you can have this!'.
As you can imagine, what do you think happened to me today? Yes - it was a 'you can have this!' scenario. It was not the kind of situation i had wanted. I had managed to stay up in my room when my mum told me that there was 1/2 an hour until tea. I decided to go down when there was only 5 mintues left and heat myself up a weight watchers soup. However, it seems my family had other plans because when i came downstairs they said they had cooked something for me, as i wouldn't come down and find something myself. SHIT!
I ate it dutifully, leaving part of the rosti. I was thankful i hadn't eaten anything earlier. I keep telling myself that i only have one shot at each day in 2009, it only comes around once - if i fail this year, i might as well kill myself now. I know it sound melodramatic, but i really don't see a future if i have to stay at this weight.
That's pretty much all for today. It's going to get better from tomorrow onwards - the dawn IS breaking. Why you ask? Because my mum and stepdad are going away tomorrow and not returning until Saturday evening, and my sister will be out ost of tomorrow. Then Saturday is my last day working at my current stinky job! Yes! No more having to be around food! That just caused problems.
The BEST NEWS OF IT ALL? Well..if all goes well *touch wood*, i will be returning to university in just over a week! Yippee! Goodbye force feeding! And...my own bathroom! What joy! haha!
I am dying to know how you are all getting on with your lives. Please let me know, its been ages since i've heard from you all and feel free to make me feel as bad as possible with your incredible weight loss! lol.
In summary - its not been FANTASTIC today, but i can live with it until tomorrow when i will try to beat it. Also, exercise needs to be kicked back into action which im not doing until i return to uni i think.
CALORIE SECTION:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
Nothing 0kcal
Tea
cranberry and butternut squash rosti 280kcal
small port mashed potato 100kcal
veggies 20kcal
Snack
Nothing 0kcal
Drinks
a diet coke 2kcal
TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 402KCAL
Notes on cal section - I must cut out carbs again. I was so annoyed because i didnt ASK for the potatoes and they still ended up on my plate. Also, i'm sort of guessing with the cals for the potatoes. I cant find any reliable sorces. It was made with only a little butter and skimmed milk. I will keep looking...
Love Poppy xox
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