So...I'm making up for two days here in this blog. The reason i didn't post yesterday was because the day went well. How? Well, i fell asleep early thus restricting my night binging habits, which i have fallen prey to tonight. But enough of that later - i better start from the beginnings.
YESTERDAY / 3RD JAN 2009
A good day! Oh yes! I was really happy with yesterday and enjoyed, in a sort of way, the hunger pangs. I told myself that it only meant i was losing more weight and that i would be thankful for it the next morning when i weighed myself.
It was my last day at work! Whoopee! It's hard, once you have gotten out of the routine of hidding your eating habits, to build it up again. I found this when it came to lunch with the boss. Over the last 2 months, at lunch i've been eating with her in the back room. However, obviously, yesterday was going to be the exception. I made my excuses that i wanted to sit out on the wall i used to eat my lunch for 5 minutes then would be back in. Then, if she asked, i could simply say that i ate outside. Luckily all was ok and crisis overted.
It was onward and upwards as the day flew by and before i knew it we were closing. I had managed to drink just bottled drinks that i knew the cals of all day rather than freely out of my low ribena bottle. The only concession to eating i had made was a low fat shape yoghurt at lunch like i used to do at work.
Back at home, i really felt like skipping tea and was debating whether to do it. When my mum called 5 minutes i knew i couldn't go to sleep fast enough to get out of it by the time they checked so, given that i was safely under my limit, i went down. Before i did i took 2 migrane tablets so that i would feel drowsy when i got back upstairs.
The orange pool of soup that stood awaiting me did not encourage my appetite, but under scrutinous gazes, i ate it. Soon after washing up, i excused myself and went upstairs. The drowsy feeling had hit me but it was sort of a mild tiredness. Not satisfied with the state of sleepiness the pills had given me, i took another. Soon after i fell asleep (meaning i didn't do my blog last night). This stopped me from midnight picking.
Note: Using pills for this sort of thing is not healthy or prooted by this blog. I know what i do with these pills is wrong and could lead to dangerous and harming behaviour. I would never encourage any of you to do the same. Unfortunately, they come too handy to me and i haven't yet given in to using them in this manner.
CAL SECTION FOR SAT:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
shape yoghurt 71kcal
Tea
1/2 winter soup 163kcal
Snack
2xno sugar gum 10kcal
Drinks
flavoured no sug water 7kcal
hot ribena 6kcal
bottle pepsi max 2kcal
bottle diet coke 2kcal
TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 261KCAL
EXERCISE SECTION:
EXERCISE CALS BURNED
30 mins walk to work 120kcal
TOTAL CALS BURNED 120KCAL
So - that was my good day. Now comes the downer! Oh Yes!
TODAY / 4TH JAN 2009
I awoke (at 2pm) with a trepidation to weigh myself, eager to see how the day before had paid off. Perhaps i was impatient, i was, no doubt, but i still went. When i stood on i couldnt believe it! From the day before i hadn't lost anything! I was so angry. I should have stuck with it. and my resolve was to do just that but it fell too fast for me to be proud of.
I didn't have much time to think about it, as my sister and i were heading off the the cinema. We had to run for the bus but eventually we got it. At the cinema, it can be a nightmare when it comes to food. I had planned to steer away, convincing myself that you can apprieciate a movie better without background munching. But when my sister bought some sweets, i was already kicking myself for a mistake i hadnt made yet. In the dark, perhaps you think no one can see you and hope that after you've eaten your way through half a bag, that they wont be able to for the next 10 years so you can work it off before the light come up! That's what i was hoping after i ate some of them. And despite the fact i was still concious enough, when the lights were down, to know what i was doing, i was still surprised at myself when the lights came up. I am so angry at myself.
After we came out, we walked to the bus stop, only to find the buses had ended. So we waited in a nearby restaurant for our stepdad to pick us up. By the time we got home, mum was cooking tea. I told her i didnt want anything, to which her reply was 'oh. well you'll just have to have to rosti on its own then'. Thats right - she'd already cooked me up something! Argh! Im not going to miss that when i go away. Although i have a funny feeling that they are not giving me an option on purpose because they know i'll just say no.
Anyhow, not disuaging my guilt, i had to sit down and eat a rosti as well. After that i did the washing up and have been in my room since. I'm seriously ready for bed!
TODAYS CAL SECTION:
MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL
Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal
Lunch
Nothing 0kcal
Tea
1x veggie rosti 280kcal
Snack
1/2 bag m&ms 500kcal(ouch)
Drinks
water 0kcal
TOTAL CALS CONSUMED 780KCALS
I feel like im walking around with bruises, it feels so physical. You have no idea how painful it feel having to write how many cals were in that bag. It hurts.
I'm looking on the brightside for tomorrow because all my family will be back at work which means i will have the house to myself. I turn this means more time to empty freezers, stock up back up low cal foods and not eat!
Must go 'cos im knackered! Glad to hear from you all - you sound well!
Poppy X*-o-*X
wise lyrics of the week:
it's bugging me, grueling me
and twisting me around
yeah I'm endlessly caving in
and turning inside out
- Hysteria by Muse
(i imagine these lyrics as showing the physicality of an ED, caving in is Ana and turning inside out is Mia)
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