Another step up the mountain today and the gym is like caffiene!

Heya!


First a big thanks for the support to all of you, but especially ty and lilly! I really apprieciate the feedback and encouragement on the thinspiration forum last night.

Today has been kinda bland. Nothing much has happened today. So im just gonna get on to the food bit.

I woke up around 1pm today so that meant i could skip breakfast. Mum phoned a little bit later and i decided to take the reigns and told her would it be ok if i finished up the sandwich filler. I figured if im the one saying 'i will eat this' then she will stop being so on my case. It worked and i said i'd have it with a jacket potato and that will be my carbs, because thats what we'd talked about yesterday.

So i made the entire meal up, then it looks more believable when your family come home. For example the smell of the potato so they know its been cooked. So i had it all on the plate, but unfortunately i'd been eyeing that filler for days and ate part of the flesh of the potato and the filler. Luckily i saved myself from eating any more by binning it. I just hoped we weren't having anything major for tea.

My lucky stars must have been out at that point because as it was my parents went out in the evening and said for my sister and i to have something later on. Obviously though, this didnt get me out of eating altogether. My sister was pretty linienent (oops! wrong spelling!) with me and i was able to get away with a bowl of weetabix.

Also, i managed to get in exercise before tea at the gym! yes! My mum treated it today as a bonding exercise which was nice because it took the suspicion off. Also i looked really happy and mum seemed happy by this too. She probably thought i was happy because i was getting healthy whereas it was because i was burning calories!

So, heres todays layout:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
nothing 0kcal

Lunch
tiny jacket potato, no skin 120kcal
filler 123kcal

Tea
a bowl of weetabix 130kcal

Snack
2 x diet coke cans 10kcal
6 pieces of gum 30kcal
TOTAL 413kcal
Now exercise...

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

1hr and 15mins at gym 500kcal

2 x 10 minute bike ride 160kcal

(im not counting the bike rides)

TOTAL -87KCAL
Not bad! I still feel i've eaten more though. Over these last few days i just feel as though im eating more and putting it all back on. I suppose we will wait and see.

Anyways, i have work tomorrow and so that means i get to skip lunch as well as breakfast. But i have no idea what mum has planned for tea!

Wish me lucky stars and weight loss!

Poppy xxx

NOTE: New key developed!

I have quickly developed a new key so that i dont always have to write full terms and words for everthing.So far it only consists of a few but i will continue to update if it expands. Hopefully all my blogs will not need a decryption manual to work them out! lol
ABBRIEVIATION MEANING

P _______purge

rtd ______retained

c&s_____chew and spit
By the way, i got my red dress through the post today and its divine! I must get down two sizes now then i can wear it!

ANOTHER NOTE: My blog is above- this is not it today. Im not that measley! This key applies to it on both counts.

There's a party in my tummy and i feel like the stuff you do in the toilet

You know i was hoping it wasn't going to be today. But today has been utterly and terribly crap. Im talking major C.R.A.P do-dos. I think part is my mood. I've stopped taking my anti-depressants for two months now and i think im starting to get low again. Bummer! I know that everyone will have their 'off' days but i just really needed to be strong.


The fact todays been shit isnt to do so much with me, as my family (again! lol). I got up today late as usual but that suited me. It was around 2-ish when my sister said are we having lunch then? This wasnt a huge disaster - although i hate having lunch now because you've used up half your calories even before the evening meal arrives. Luckily i had thought it through. I had a weight watchers soup (67kcal for the entire can), i threw 3/4 of it away and just ate the rest.

So that was ok. But then i knew in order to get my sister out of the 'red zone' for lunchtime i needed to eat a pudding. I decided if i ate some ice cream i could excuse myself and bring it back up in the toilet straight after therefore avoiding any calorie intake. But...when i went to the bathroom to be sick i only had a minute before my sister came up and i had to go back downstairs with her.

Now, at this point i felt desperate for exercise. I really wanted to go to the gym and get rid of it but we had planned a bike ride today and my sister kept saying 'your not planning on going to the gym are you??! its a bit much'. She can be a bit of a bully. In the end we went for a short 30 minute bike ride which at least burnt something off but it still didnt feel as though anything had shifted and i knew tea was only right round the corner.

Tea comes and mum moans at me in a pre-tea talk. She said 'you'd better eat something this time!'. Then when i said i didnt want any rice she gave an almighty huff and at the table said 'you need your carbohydrates!'. I felt like saying 'Piss off! They didnt do me any good!'.

Luckily following this i pretended to be calm and just said that i hate feeling full, especially in the evenings. Mum then said that perhaps i could start to eat a larger meal in the afternoons and have a snack in the evenings. I pretended to agree and said perhaps i could have my carbs then like a roll with soup. I wont really do this but if no one os around to check me i can lay out dirty plates and throw food away so it seems i have eaten then only have a snack in the afternoons.

The bad news though is that my sister does not go back to college until next tues! so this may be a very bad week for me guys!

On the up side, when i told mum what my sister had said about me and the gym, she said to just go anyway. So i have the all clear for that!

Tomorrow, mum said she will pick me up and we can go to the gym for an hour after her work. Also my sister is going to meet mum during the day and leaving the house. This means i can go to the gym twice tomorrow! Once in the early afternoon around midday, and again late afternoon around 5. So i can burn off calories for today and the day i will be exercising. My sister not being around also means i can skip lunch! bonus!

Here are my calories for the day (appauling) then im off:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
nothing 0kcal

Lunch
3/4 of weight watchers soup 52kcal
a bowl of ice cream  P & Rtd 160kcal

Tea
beef and peppers stir fry 200kcal

Snack
diet coke 5kcal
4 pieces of gum 20kcal

TOTAL 437kcal

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 minutes of moderate biking 234kcal
TOTAL (Minus exercise) 253kcal
So it doesnt work out too bad - but as all of you know from experience, just because you may have done ok calorie-wise doesnt mean you feel good. Its like theres a niggling feeling inside you somewhere telling you its still sitting there and you will do anything to get rid of it.

So tomorrow is all action stations go!

Nite nite,

Poppy xx

*WEIGHING DAY - RESULTS IN!* Sister is like hamster with a nose - clings to it

* TITLES MY OWN IN JOKE! DONT WORRY IF YOU DONT GET IT! My hamster bit my nose once and wouldnt let go, just swung on the end of it! Tres funny, and tres painful!*


So... i weighed myself at around 12.30. The results are in.

TOTAL LOST OR GAINED:

LOST 6LB!

I'm really chuffed as i tried hard this week. Even if i only lost 4lb each week for the next two weeks thats still a stone lost in under a month!

This is my first week so im expecting my weight loss to slow down but i will hopefully persist.

Its hard and earlier this evening i just thought about giving up. Its like climbing a continous mountain with no breaks. I am almost positive my family have worked out some of the puzzle pieces and its only a matter of time before they put them together. I am constantly trying to put them off the scent. But i have gone from someone who is constantly eating and always finished dinner and hardly exercised, to someone who leaves half of her dinner, skips meals and exercises all the time!

My family know about my ED because it got very bad last year/early this year. So its not like they can overlook it because they are not aware of it. My sister is off college now for the entire week which means she will constantly be asking me if i've had lunch and telling on me to mum. I'm a bit lost on how i can continue this as a long term things if people are already interfering.

Today has been ok. I was half an hour late for work (again) because i overslept. My boss said if i dont buck my ideas up in the next two weeks then she would probably have to let me go.

I skipped anything for lunch as well. I ended up stuffing two of the mini bite samples of brownie while i was in charge of the shop (my boss was out). I had to leave the shop floor for a few minutes (no one was there - it was dead) and purge it up in the loo.

The only thing i had for lunch was a cherry coke which my boss hates the smell of. Today she said 'eugh! got that horrible stuff again?'. I felt like saying 'yes, i have! because its the only sodding sweet tasting stuff i can have without feeling guilty! Butt out!'. Obviously i didnt

For tea my mum wasnt going to be around so i was asked to bring home food. Luckily it was only a shepherds pie for two which we split by three. I only ate half. But my sister kept saying 'you've hardly eaten anything! Thats such a waste! Why aren't you eating it?'. In the end i managed to change the subject then vacate the table.

But this evening, she brought it up again, and actually hit the nail on the head. She knows me better than anyone but i wish she didnt. She said 'you're eating less and skipping meals, and you have been doing more exercise'. I shouted at her that why did everyone pressume thats its always something sinister with food. I pretended to sound as though i was upset and said that the reason i didnt eat all my food was because i didnt want to feel full because then i want to be sick.

This point above causes my family lots of problems. For example, the downstairs toilet walls began leaking water from their pipes which could have been down to me. So im thinkin they may accept it as a good reason. As for more exercise, i told her i wanted to be slimmer for the holiday. Anyways, we will see...

Here is my calorie chart for the day:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
diet cherry coke 0kcal
2 x pieces of gum 10kcal
Tea
1/2 of a third of shepards pie 135kcal
small port. of vegetables 0kcal

Snacks
2 bites of brownie Purged
3 x pieces of gum 15kcal

TOTAL 160KCAL

(lol! so much for shortening the calorie table!)

Note: i have started to add in the things i have purged as well because then at least i can keep a more through track of things.

EXERCISE CALS BURNED

30 min fast walk 100kcal

1hr hard gyming 450kcal

Burned off 550kcal today

TOTAL - 390KCAL

(Thats MINUS, as in i burned more than i ate! woohoo!)

So, all news is in and reported. I must to my bed now and hope tomorrow is kind to me.

See ya! By the way, my bottoms are loose now! im excited!

Poppy !

GUARANTEED TIP TO AVOID EATING!: Lock yourself out of the house!

Hey guys!


This is going to be much shorter than the original blog i wrote until my computer spacked out and deleted it all. Oh, im forgetting - apart from the heading!!!!

I'm gonna do this in points because im so tired!

1. Morning, i ate a lolly. So around 12 midday i decided that on my rounds to deliver menus for the food company i work for i would take my bike. Worked out well - heavy bag!

2. Came home. None of my keys would fit - i had locked myself out. Now i freaked out because i wanted to go to the gym to work off the ice cream i still felt on my hips. So i went for a cycle for an hour, came back and waited for 3 hours until my mum let me in! Let me tell you, my guinea pigs had some serious quality time as i couldnt get in that afternoon!

3. Emotional ate late afternoon due to the stress and, strange as it may sound, upset of being locked out. It wasn't major, only gum and a kit kat bar, but it was enough to get me anxious.

4. Evening. I went out with one of my friends so that thankfully avoided the evening meal otherwise i would have been a quivering wreck!

5. Now im just cursing that the computer deleted my stuff, and if it does it again im not re-writing this! Also majorly anxious about what ive eaten today because weighing day is tomorrow and i can just feel the fat dripping back onto me again.

Count down begins now for weighing day! Less than 24 hours, my blog should be around the same time so that my stomach and bowels have had time to clear themselves! nice!

Here is my yucky yucky calories for the day:

MEAL FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
Nothing 0kcal

Lunch
nobbly bobbly ice cream 157kcal

Tea
lime and soda 0kcal
diet coke 7kcal
Snack
8 pieces of gum 40kcal
kit kat senses 165kcal
pepsi max x 2 0kcal

TOTAL 369KCAL

(btw. im not counting the cycle today)

Notice how my calorie/food table has grown?! it has to stop, luckily tomorrow is the perfect time because i have work, a la busy!

Anyways, now i'm reeeaaaallly tired. So i will leave you for now and will post my weigh in tomorrow so c u then.

Poppy xx

Note to self: get up early, go to gym for 7am before work then get to work for 9.30am.

Hawk alert - Mother spies something wrong!

I'm back! Just listenin to some thinspo music - im having a rough night tonight. I feel like i want loads of food, but luckily the only slip up i've had is to have one nobbly bobbly ice cream. Even though its quite high in calories (157kcal), at least i only had one!

Today has been a particularly crap day mood-wise, and i swear my mum is now hawking me and completely knows what im up to.

I got up at 2pm today! i know,ur all thinking 'geez! thats way late!' but on the plus side it means i missed breakfast and lunch! bonus! That was ok and mum was pushing me to go for some exercise which i had no problem with...until it rained! So i've been inside all day! But i have already planned a bike ride and a visit to the gym tomorrow! yay!

Next, i had no excuses to miss tea today. I tried contacting my friends to go out, but after yesterday i got the only one that may have beem free today pissed off. This was because i missed her phone call and i've been terrible at keepin in contact with anyone recently. This is mostly due to my depression (which has got better recently), and in that phase i sort of closed myself off from people.

Anyways, i just completely diverted off topic! Tea came around, and surprise surprise if it wasnt fattening burgers! yuck! Luckily i had looked up the calorie content as soon as i saw them out on the side defrosting - 270KCAL EACH! *gasp*. So i decided to just have half with no bun, no chips, no cheese and just salad.

Cue mum's suspicion and accusing comments AT THE TABLE! She said 'you be ill if you dont eat anything'. damn i hate weekends! you cant cover up that you havent eaten. Mum asked what i had eaten and everyone knew i had gotten up late today and not eaten - its so stupid. So my plan tomorrow is to leave dirty plates around to make it look as though i've eaten.

So...tea was OK. Now night has come i have sucumbed to an ice cream! NNNNOOOOOOO! I'm glad im controlling my urge to binge tho. It feels good, but the days are dragging so slowly until weighing day! Less than 2 days to go now!

Heres how it went with my calories today:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
nothing 0kcal

Lunch
nothing 0kcal

Tea
1/2 a burger 150kcal
salad (no dressing) 20kcal
pepsi max 0kcal
Snacks
7 pieces of gum 35kcal
nobbly bobbly ice cream 157kcal
TOTAL 342KCAL
Anyways, that pretty much wraps it up for the day! Got the house to myself tomorrow so beware DANGER! must get out tomorrow.

Adios for now...until tomorrow!

Poppy xx

To suceed: sleeping gets you out of any awkward situation

Thank god its almost weighing day! I can't wait! It doesn't feel as though i've lost any weight but i hope i have. Today was another ok day today. I managed to evade the trip to the restaurant later today...but im getting ahead of myself.


Firstly: work. went to work this morning and succumbed to 2 small pieces of flapjack - it gets me so angry to think that i did that! Anyway, apart from that no problem. Then i walked home which is a 40 minute treck so cue exercise for the day. I was planning on going to the gym but mum and i got into an argument about what to do as she had plans when i got home so i didnt do anything.

This is where my *second point comes in. Now, this would have been a nightmare if i'd have had to go to the restaurant without exercising. Luckily mum said i didnt have to because it probably would have been a waste of money. I ignored the jibe as it was something that i wanted to do. So then after the argument i fell asleep on my bed at 5pm. My family then went out to restaurant and i had the perfecr excuse not to have tea - i was asleep! lol

So here's how my day panned out:

MEALS FOOD CONSUMED CAL

Breakfast
nothing 0kcal

Lunch
1 x sugar free squash 6kcal
diet cherry coke 0kcal

Tea
nothing 0kcal

Snack
2 x tiny squares of flapjack 150kcal
1 x habas fritas bean 1kcal
1 x spicy sesame nut 2kcal

(I'm going to do two totals below: one including my exercise today, the other disincluding) My official total will be the one without the ecercise because i don't trust the calories it tells me i burnt off! lol

TOTAL 159KCAL

EXERCISE CAL

40 minute walk - moderate 130kcal

TOTAL 29KCAL

But...i still don't think its good enough! its because the food i HAVE eaten is crappy stuff - i mean flapjack! Also the fudge the previous days! But today it stops! no more crappy food - its banned! lol

Anyways, thats all the interestin news for today, nothing dramatic has really happened! Hopefully i will cycle to the gym tomorrow and use it for two hours.

Must go, need sleep! lol

Poppy