Fainting 3 times in 5 minutes is not fun! Maybe im a little concerned...

Heya.

Well, from my title you can see what my headline news will be. I'm sorry blogs have been irregular, but i've been falling asleep at 1-2pm then waking up at 2-3am in the morning! It has caused havoc with my eating. As in, i can't quite go get myself a salad at 3am can i?! the girls would think im nuts!

But as a side point, i did well yesterday and on the day my family came down (Sat). On sat, the only thing i has was the beanie burger that i had to eat at the restaurant, and it was one of the lowest cal things on the menu. It was 560kcals i think. I also swam for an hour again.

The other day was tougher because i ate some chocolate, but i purged all of it up. Then i walked without stopping from one end of my room to another for 35 minutes. It supposedly burnt 130kcals. I went to sleep quite early on after that, and had nothing else.

Now onto today! I woke up some point during the night feeling REALLY thirsty but i didnt have anything. This happens often enough but i never have anything because i weigh myself in the morning and don't want water weight to affect it. Usually there are not adverse affects, im guessing today was the exception!

I had a drink, then went to get in the shower, wobbling once before i got in. I didnt consider it until suddenly i felt sick, and couldn't breathe properly. I pushed open the shower door hoping it would hope, but then the room sort of span. I blacked out, but i remember the bang of me falling to the shower floor. On opening my eyes, i felt extremely sick and had ringing in my ears. I tried to pull myself out of the shower so i could get some water. But i found i couldn't get up. I pulled myself to the edge of the shower and onto the floor. I pulled myself up to the basin, where i blaked out again. I woke up to see the scales, toilet brush and cloth scattered about, but i dont remember dragging them down. After taking a few deep breaths, i knew it was important for me to get to my water bottle by my bed. I tried to stand up and got as far as closing the bathroom door before i fainted for the third and final time. At last, when i woke i reached out for my bottle and chugged the lot down. I was shaking SOOOOOOO bad, and so, despite the fact i knew it was all fat, i ate a boost bar. This was mostly because i knew it would level out my low blood sugars and stop me from shaking. But don't worry, later i purged it.

I am probably not going to be able to go to the leisure centre today, because its bank holiday. However, i will get to bed early and be up early to go for a swim tomorrow. I think i might fast, or eat about 300kcals tomorrow. On the plus side, my weight has gone right down. Oh yeah! Today is weigh in day! i can't believe i forgot! Well, since the last time i weighed in, the result today is:

WEIGHT GAINED / LOST: LOST 5lbs

Not bad! Still got to improve though. Hopefully with more exercise, i can push it further.

I haven't done much else after my 'episode'. I watched sense and sensibility (BBC new version - its excellent!), now im about to do some of my novel writing. Its getting on well! After that, i might go back to bed.

I am not going to post up my calories, because most of what i have consumed, i have also thrown up over thr hours. It would be silly for me to try and write it up when i have no idea of the amounts of in/out myself!

Big hugs and thanks to Alissia and TCStar for commenting! Welcome back Star! I thought i'd lost you in all the moving about, im so chuffed you're still checking in! Keep at it - you are so right to say its a long term thing. Small achievements are so hard to see as anything spectacular when you are aiming for the big goal - its seems a long way away! Well done for everything you have achieved Star - don't despair, and if you ever need any extra encouragement or someone to talk to just email me (lifeisafreefallplunge@hotmail.co.uk)

Alissia, i will let you know when im going to start a weeks fast - i'll hopefully post a blog on here to let everyone know about a week in advance. Also, an UBER WELL DONE for all those laps! that's amazing, im so jealous of you doing all those, you must have just been able to feel the weight coming off you! how long did it take you to do the 176 laps?

Finally, quick TQ for heather, who left a lovely little message for me on the site. thanks and please keep your comments coming - i really do listen, promise!

Right, im off to work. Love to you all and i'll be back at 12 tomorrow!

XO Poppy OX

Don't eat Jalepenos on a Purge Day - Ouch!

Heya!

Sorry for my long abscence! It's been too long since i was on here. Last time i was here, i was fasting. Now, little did i know that day 3 is considered the hardest for lots of people. Unbeknowest to me, when it came i suffered all thw way until the evening, before i binged. Big time. I purged afterwards. Since then it's been a horrible while of b / p ing.

Wednesday i ordered a family pizza and then purged the entire lot. Although my suggestion, is don't binge / purge on jalepenos! Ouch! It really hurt! I won't be doing that any time soon! (For those who don't know - Jalepenos are hot chillis)

Yesterday i went swimming again for the first time in years! I get so conscious of my body that i hate showing it, but i went and when i was in the pool i was away! Loved it, and i did 76 lengths in an hour! Its still pretty good for me, although i'm still sore now. Hopefully i'll be in pool tomoz.

But i am planning to fast again. I have joined with two other girls and we are going to do a weeks fast soon. Now i know that day 3 is hardest, i will be more aware and prepared. I can't start my fast before Sunday (at least), because my family are coming down on Saturday. We HAVE to go to a restaurant, and i'll HAVE to have something. It sucks.

Yesterday, i didn't eat anything, so that was good. My sleep is all off. I stayed up all night, so Thursday morning i was awake for swimming. Then i fell asleep at midday, now i've been awake since 4am, so im probs gonna dose off about 2-3pm! :o

Today, so far, i've had 3 satsumas and a pot of jelly. Im not counting that as too bad, although it is bizzare eating at times of the day when you don't usually. I probs won't have anything else today, because it's not long until midday. Then from then its easy to blag it.

Here's what ive had today then:

CALORIE LIST:

Breakfast: 3 satsumas (90kcal)

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: pot of jelly (9kcal)

Drinks: 1 x squash (4kcal), 4 x diet coke (12kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 115kcal

It seems we've all been busy - so don't worry that you have been away Alissia and Lilly. Thanx for the pats on the back, although i don't think i deserved them. I'll try harder next time, and do a week! I don't know if it was liquids that meant i lost weight slowly, because i was weighing myself in the morning when i was dehyrated. But, i'll pay attention next time and see if a pattern emerges, maybe i was being too hasty! Pounds don't seem to come off quick enough!

Also, thanks for anon, and Jasmine (who commented on the site) for being so amazing and leaving me a note. You don't know how much those little comments brighten my day! I love getting them.

Jasmine, please don't be scared to comment again. I understand what you mean about losing your way - it's happened to me many times! I'm afraid i can offer you no better advise than - dont make any excuses for your behaviour, and just tell yourself to get back on that horse. It's tough to start again, but many of us fall down by lunch then say 'oh well, i'll carry on tomorrow'. That's not the idea. Instead say, every day i give up is another day i stay the way i am. A week makes all the difference to losing weight! I will try to think of more constructive things for you soon, and post them. If you have any other queries, you can always bring them up in mymirrorimage's forum, and i'll answer asap.

Right, thats me signed out for today. I'll be back later probs, so please leave comments.

Poppy XoXOxOX

day 2 of fast completed! Just one more day and i'll be over the 3 day hump!

Heya.

Well, today i'm really feeling it. Not the hunger so much, because i can manage that with some of my stubborness. But i'm feeling so lethargic today, and it feels as though my brain is swimiming through treacle! I wouldn't usually notice, but since i'm beavering away at my essays, etc, i can see a difference.

I won't give in though. I can get through this. I just need to use more of my iron will!

Today i woke up late because i had trouble sleeping last night. This meant it wasn't much of a crawl past lunch. I helped myself to 2 diet cokes and time seemed to go ok. Everytime i want food, i keep shouting at myself - WHY?! There is no reason to want it. I am fat enough as it is, and after all that food, why should i be hungry? I have no right.

The rest of the day i pretty much just had 1lr bottle of water. At least im fulfilling the liquid intake for the day! What still angers me is how slowly the weight is coming off. After i ate that awful stuff, i must have put on 2lbs. But its taking me AGES to take it off! I weighed myself today and don't seem to be losing weight faster than i was before, when i was having 100-200kcals a day! It really is enough to make you feel helpless.

I can't get back into exercise yet because i've got all of this work. I'm hoping that when i finish my work which should be i just under a week now i can start doing more. I noticed there's a gym at uni and im gonna see what i can to join for a month. Also my friend and i have arranged to go for a walk for an hour every day and swim. So hopefully that ought to push my body into action!

Also i've just bought some more diet pills. I know alot of people say they don't work, and they are probably true and more prudent than i am. But i still want to see - anything that might work is worth a go. I've already tried lipovox, pink patch, 72 hour pill, proactol and hoodia. Now im on something called slinky. I take 2 pills 2 times a day. We'll have to see if it helps shift the weight quicker. I just want to weight off.

CALORIE LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 1ltr water, 3 x diet coke (12kcal)

TOTAL CAL INTAKE: 12kcal

Please let me know if you are still reading my blog and haven't disappeared. I want to know that my blogs are read, otherwise there's no reason to keep putting them up!

Hope you are all well (How are you Alissia and Lilly?)

Poppy xoxox

My Crime and Punishment

Right, well yesterday was a fiasco! Sorry about the silence but i was kind of having a rough time last night! So, as im one day behind, i'll do both days in this blog. They sort of link anyways!

6TH MAY 2009

Ok. Well it wasn't that the day wasn't going really well. I hadn't had anything to eat until my cuppa-soup in the evening. I had been weighing myself that day, and for no apparent reason. I wasn't losing, in fact i'd gained. It made no sense, since i was eating, usually, under 200kcals!

Now, bear in mind, i sometimes like to go on shop or takeaway sites, just to do 'dream baskets', full of all the things i won't let myself have. This time it was a pizza place.

I can't even rightly say what happened. I messed around a few times, went away and phoned my family who were happily tucking into pizza themselves. All i wanted to do was binge and stuff and vomit and feel something. I went and ordered (no lie) - meduim pizza with loads of toppings, garlic bread, stuffed potato skins and brownies with sauce.

I don't think i even regretted it when it arrived. I didn't hate myself then because i still had my safety net. I knew that when i ate it, i would just purge it back up. So when i got it to my room, i stuffed like i hardly ever stuff. I felt so full and uncomfortable that i wanted to cry. I managed to get some out with my method, but when that didn't work i had to resort to fingers. More came out, but it still wasn't even half.

Then came the guilt and anger. I was so angry with myself and was getting really upset that it wasnt all coming out. To rub salt in the wound, i weighed myself and i was appauled to see the numbers go up. So for the rest of the early morning, i spent it throwing up food every minute or so. But i didn't believe i got it all out. I was so angry, that in a sort of haze, i did something i haven't done for months. I cut myself with my razor. It just hated myself. Still do.

I then put the boxes in a bin bag so i didn't have to look at them. Eventually i managed to fall asleep, although i was so aware that i was full. I hated it. So i made a resolution. Because of my unforgivable binge, i would go on a fast for as long as i could. Hoping that it would at least shift the pounds, and avoid gaining too much.

Onto today...

7TH MAY 2009

I woke up tired and determined to punish myself. I had a really good seminar in the morning and spent the afternoon walking around town getting things done. I haven't reached for anything once. There's not even much to say about today. The only thing that struck me was how low i felt when i woke up. Clearly this was me coming down off a 'high' after purging. I can't believe it affected my life that much when i did it so much, but clearly it did!

So, day 1 of fasting done. Now, just to fill you all in, i allow myself certain liquids only.

o Diet sodas/pops

o Flavoured water (not unlimited)

o Sugar free squash (not unlimited)

o and, of course, water.

If i get hungry, i've allowed myself to have gum. I also allow myself a slice of lemon if im getting bored with plain water!

Thats pretty much it. I'm exhausted now, because i got up really early today. Hope this blog makes up for the lack of one the other day. I hope you understand why i couldn't write last night.

CALORIE LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Nothing

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 50cl water, 3 x squash (10kcal), 2 bottles coke (4kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 14kcal

(i won't add my walking for today)

Speak tomorrow lovelies!

Poppy XXOxx

I've had so many close sahves with food today, a tweezer couldn't get more out! :p

As you can tell, i'm a little desperate for sleep at the moment, so this blog isn't going to be as long as you or i might want it to be.

Well, i had arraged with my friend last night that she come over for 8.30am in order that we get in early to get our tickets for the ball. However, this meant i had to hide an evidence which sadly included my wonderful inspirational collage mirror. After i hid it all, i cut half an apple up and put it in my bag in case i really needed it.

When we got to uni we sorted out our tickets, then went to the shop because my friend wanted some breakfast. I got a drink and some go-ahead bars because i know, for me, they're still safe. We then went a found someplace to study - the dining hall! It was great studying although a little difficult to focus over the wafts of chips. We shared a small tub of olives (i let her have the cheese!), and i had my go ahead bar a little later. The idea to get takeaway was brought up, but i tried to steer her off that before she knew i was doing it.

When we did leave the hall at 3pm, we caught the bus into town and i went back to her house. However, not before i topped up on my essentials (lettuce, tomatoes, soups, etc) and she went to her supermarket. She would occasionally offer if i wanted anything, but i was quite proud to stick to my guns! Eventually we left, and heaved the bags to her place.

There i have spent quite a few hours before finally returning here, hence my late blog. I was worried because i knew that my staying hours would pass through teatime, so i bought a cuppa soup just as back up. Luckily i needed it, and avoided any offer of anything mildy calorific!

So..now im exhausted, but a little fed up because, despite having a good day, the scales haven't moved much. I know it's to do with metabolism, etc, but it is infuriating when your looking for encouragement.

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: yoghurt go ahead bar (144kcal)

Tea: slim a soup (60kcal)

Snack: 10 olives (26kcal)

Drinks: 1 pepsi max (1kcal), 3 glasses of squash (12kcal) and a 7up light (1kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 244kcal

It's not been the best day, but i've still stayed under the 300kcal restriction! Tomorrow i will do better. Also i have done quite alot of walking today, but i can't quantify how much, so i won't add it to any sort of total.

Speak tomorrow - leave comments (i know, im a comment whore!),

Poppy xoxoxo

Weigh in day! Yay - I'm soooooo happy!

Woo Hoo! Today is the first day of a new week and my weigh-in day!

So firstly, i'll tell you the results of my weigh-in.

I got up at 9am and made sure i had no liquids before i stood on the scales.

RESULTS:

WEIGHT LOSS/GAIN: LOST 9LBS!

Yes! Can you believe it, this week i've lost a whopping 9lbs! I'm so chuffed. I'm a little worried about loose skin though, which i've heard can happen with fast weight loss. Do you know anything that might help? I'm young so my skin should be quite flexible, but im not sure.

Right, after that little celebration, on to today. Firstly, if you expecting me to mention anything other than work, work, work then you'll be sorely disappointed! That's right, its been a tough day and i felt like i was drowing in books. Although i think from a book lovers point of view, thats probably the best way to go! lol.

After i got up, i decided i wouldn't have any breakfast because it was only 3 hours till midday. There's no point for unnecessary calories if i can help it. At 1pm i got myself a small salad and got back to work. I managed to finish both essays by 5pm then watched a film.

At 8pm, i was so hungry for my usual slim a soup, so had it. I am beginning to love those little mugs! ;) Now, im exhausted, and i apologise for the lateness of my blog as i've just been on the phone with a friend. Also i apologise for the shortness of my blog - i really have been working all day!

Right, i want bed as i have to get up at 8am to get tickets for our summer ball!

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: small salad - lettuce, 5 cherry tomatoes and 8 olives (34kcal)

Tea: slim a soup (60kcal)

Snack: Nothing

Drinks: 5 pepsi max (5kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 99kcal

Thats all today - please leave me a 'whoop whoop' celebratory comment and rate! Hopefully i can keep up my weight loss this week, and won't just plateau!

Hugs and wishes,

x x Poppy x x

Tired, hungry but happy

Yay! The last day in the week and i'm completely knackered. Serious frantic writing of essays mixed with my eating is not good! Never mind, i'll get over it.

I got up at 9am today, despite being really tired, due to late study last night. I went straight away to writing my essay and didn't even think about breakfast. I only had 2 pepsi maxes to keep me awake.

When it got to 12 midday i decided to make my way to go to my friends house. I managed to cut up half an apple and put it in my bag in case i got hungry. The last thing i needed was to cave and give in to the cake on the last day of the week! When i went into the kitchen, one of my friends told me she had bought a cookie for me. I said thank you and, when she was gone, wrapped it in cellophane. I made sure i picked the one that look less appetising and it's now sitting in my drawer. Right now, im in no danger of eating it.

I finally heaved (and they REALLY were heavy) my laptop and bag, stuffed full of books onto my back. It would take me about 40 minutes to get to friends, with part of it being uphill. I reminded myself how much lighter i would be if the bags i were carrying now was my weight and i lost it. I went to sainsburys and avoided any traps. There is strange sense that you actually are treating yourself when you buy chocolate or cake for others. It satisfies some craving in you without you actually consuming anything. I bought the taste the difference thick chocolate fudge cake for them. At least they could enjoy it.

When i finally got to my friends, she commented on how slim i looked. I dont know how mucg of this weeks weight loss shows, but to me i feel no slimmer. I still have a long way to go. Compliments like that fill me with a pride but also with dread. Pride because clearly your work is showing, however i fear that someone will twig if they can spot it already. Anyways, i gave her the cake and told her i didnt want any because i'd eaten lunch a little earlier.

So much of me wanted that cake but i refrained. We studied and talked for hours. She said i could kip at hers if i want to during the summer. This is brilliant because whenever im finding it too hard to hide at home or they wont give me a break, i have somewhere to go. At 7pm i left, and i got home by 7.30.

I put off running for the slim a soup in the kitchen. Finally at 8.30pm i allowed myself to have it. Having that slim-a-soup is like a little bit of warm heaven! Its so delicious! I will definitely have to buy more. Right now, im writing to you before i continue with my essay which i MUST complete today. snooze... I'll be able to get to sleep easy enough tonight!

Ok, lets get straight on to the cals -

FOOD LIST:

Breakfast: Nothing

Lunch: Nothing

Tea: Brocolli and Cauliflower slim-a-soup (60kcal)

Snack: 1/2 apple (36kcal)

Drinks: 3 pepsi max (3kcal), 2 low cal flavoured waters (12kcal)

TOTAL CALS CONSUMED: 111kcal


EXERCISE LIST:

Walking 50 mins at least (170kcal)

TOTAL CALS BURNT: 170kcal


Right, im getting behind with my work, so i'll get back to you tomorrow. Please have you comments at the ready for tomorrow's WEIGH IN! Can't wait!

Poppy xOxXooOx