HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

23 years old today!

(or 18 again, as i like to say)

I'm going to get in some exercise before the day truly begins. I'll be back here later to update you on how the day went.

XOX POPPY XOX

Saying NO - preparing for the beginning of a battle of wills

Things are changing in my world, and i'm fast realising that they are getting serious.

I know the consequences of my actions and i am still not ready to give them up, in fact i can't imagine ever giving them up. I really don't want to. However, my mum approached me last night and said that she thought it was about time her and I went to see the doctor. I changed the topic and said that i would let her know what i thought another night. She mentioned it again tonight. In fact, loads of people have been mentioning it, some behind my back to my mum and they are getting her worried. I wish they would leave it alone.

In short, if she forces me to repsond i'm going to tell her that i'm not going. I WILL NOT see a doctor yet. I'm not even a low weight - I'm 130lbs for christs sake! Admittedly, if i had lost all the weight starting off as a 'normal' weight, i wouldn't be alive right now. Regardless, i am not going to recover yet when i don't even want to.

My fear of gaining weight has grown into something completely out of my control and bigger than it has ever been before. I am peterified if i even put on so much as a pound or two. The thought of me 'getting help' when i know that i will gain at least two stone sets my resolve firmly against doing it. I CANNOT gain that much, i would rather slit my wrists.

Enough of the melodramatic, things are getting there with me. I'm on the slow slog that i always face when reaching the lower end of a stone - it always seems to take yonks to lose the last few lbs in that stone and the first few lbs in order to 'secure' your weight in the lower stone. Only 2 stone to go now until i reach my goal weight!! woo hoo!!

I was so chuffed to see my weight ticker today - i look like i've got so far! I really cannot give up now.

In the interests of being honest, and this being a blog that reflects all aspects of an eating disorder, there is one side affect which i must tell you about. Now, anorexics are know for having low heart rates due to an electrolyte imbalance (caused by vomitting), and lack of muscle tissue where the heart muscle is being consumed. A normal BPM pulse is between 60-100 beats per minute. If your resting pulse rate is constantly falling below 60 (more specifically 50bpm), and you have dizzy spells, headaches, etc, then it might be bradycardia. This means your heart rate is slow enough to cause a cardic arrest.

My bpm isn't always under 50, however more often than not it is between 40-55bpm. Yesterday afternoon it was 44bpm, today is was 53bpm.

I have started taking my multivitamins again to try and keep my potassuim and iron levels up. Hopefully they will counter any lack that i am suffering from.

I know this is an odd little blog, and i don't mean to worry you all. Honestly, it sounds worse than it is because i am really not that thin. In fact, i am right in the middle of a healthy bmi. So, i don't know why everyone is going weird - i wish they would leave me alone.

It is my birthday on Tuesday and as a treat i am going to my favourite restaurant with my family. I have already researched their nutritional charts and checked for the lowest meal, and i will exercise before. It's just a shame that i won't reach under 9st (126lbs) before my birthday :(

Speak tomorrow - please send me hugs because i just b/p ed on two bags of chocolate and i want to cry because i am so paranoid i didn't get rid of it all. I really will hate myself if i maintain my weight tomorrow.

Poppy xox

Blue Nude, Picasso, 1902: My Soul

I could sit and pour my emotions into this painting, or maybe it's siphoning emotions off to me? I can't tell.

This is my favourite painting ever. Every particle of me tingles and weeps when i see this. I think i am right in saying it speaks deeply to many of us with eating disorders. We don't have to see her face to know exactly what she is thinking and feeling. We are her.

This is going to be a quick pit stop blog today because it's already late, i'm tired and i have to get up early tomorrow.

Today has been a good day for me.
In short:
- Ran 5 miles in 1 hour (cross country)
- Binged/Purged 0 times (OMG! Totally unheard of in the last few months!)
- Consumed 204kcals (soup & 3 crackers)

I have been embracing the squeeze of the hunger pains again. It's an easy thing to get un-used to, although it feels like some odd hug whenever i get them. A new sense of anticipation courses through me each time my stomach moans.

Today has been a string of boringness - work from 8am until 3pm, shopping for an hour, home, run at 6pm then tea at 6.30pm.

As i mentioned before, i am off for a few days. Yay! I am looking forward to this, not least because i will be entirely on my own and have my own free will in things. I have already packed caffiene pills and poured a large amount of salt into a sealed bag for flavour. We will just have to see what happens, i'm not holding my breath for my self control!

I am going to part before i say any more and jinx things. I will see you all in a few days time. Please leave me lots of messages and surprise me for when i get back :)

Keep well,

Poppy xox

Ps. For Marie: Good to hear from you again! I know what you mean about a last minute rush - in order to stay on my revised plan of weight loss, i have to lose another 8lbs in 11 days! I'm sure you can do it though, and think of how well you have done so far! What is your eating like at the moment? How many cals are you restricting to, if you are at all? xx

The Bloated Marmot Returns, 2nd edition

[Damn javascript just turned my first paragraph into a load of arrows! Here we go, try number two!...]

Ugh! This is how i feel at the moment. Indeed, if you want to picture me, imagine me like a furry over-bloated marmot wishing its own claws would scratch out its eyes rather than look at the mountain of flesh under its vision!

I have been avoiding retuning to my blog for a while due to 1. Laziness (unacceptable) and 2. Anger and shame at myself (a given factor).

I am currently at 135lbs but i wanted to be so much lower. The weight is coming off me really slow and i know it's because i'm purging nearly all the food i eat. This wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't eating more due to this. So, i am going to have to try and curb my over-zealous eating. Although i am going away on my own for a few days so i will probably 'treat' myself to a b/p on one of the days. I can't really eat anything bt fruit at the moment without purging it, thus my purging routine is about 3 times a day at least. Sucks...

Anyways, I won't go on about today because i want to write a fresh blog tomorrow. I will be away for a few days after Monday, but i'll try to be more regular then. Maybe this is a bit mean to tease you with a couple of blogs before going again, but i didn't want you to get concerned. Thanks anon for your concern - i am ok. No fainting spells! Hope you are doing well? I do hope to see light at the end of the tunnel eventually, however i don't think i'm there just yet. I have tremendous admiration and respect for those who have taken or are taking that step to get support though. They are incredibly brave.

Message for Bonnie: Hi! Firstly, don't panic. I'm not angry at you! I'd much rather you shared you views. I like to think of this blog as a forum where there are ni inhibitions and we can discuss those views closest to us without fear of hurting someone else or scaring them away.

It's difficult for me to try and get my head around this because i am trying to deal with possibly the two closest things in my life - my mother and my eating disorder. On the one hand, i am concerned, almost upset, that she hasn't seen anyone about my eating disorder and thought my behaviour of substatial concern, enough to merit visiting someone about it or expressing her concerns. However, i am also relieved because the ED part of me wants to stay in the dark like some magic trick, waiting until the transformation to be complete before i pop out and shout 'ta da!!'.

My mum HAS had anorexia in the past, so nothing much has gotten around her depite the fact i hide it as much as possible. I placate her by telling her that i'm trying to sort out counselling. I acknowledge to her that i have a problem , i say that i will get help in the future but not yet - 'i'm not ready yet'. I suppose given that i'm not underweight*, and that i'm over 18 and have had this for years, it is very difficult to take the leap to see someone about it. Also, my stint in hospital didn't go too well, and she sees it that hospital wouldn't do me any good. Maybe she is trying to deny it is happening because she is truly scared for me. I don't know.

(*I actually have a smack-in-the-middle BMI of 21.9. A healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 25. To work out your own bmi, click HERE.

Since starting this latest stint, i have lost 4st 7lbs (63lbs), which, if i had started at a normal weight, would most certainly now be classed as anorexic/anorectic. Yet, as i started out in the obese BMI range, it is only now that things are being noticed. I feel such scorn towards peoples change in views between being judged as an overweight person and as a normal weight person. When i was losing weight in the obese range, so many people saw my loss as fantastic and a great improvement. Many told me 'Good Work!'. Now, because i am normal range, people are concerned and telling me 'don't lose too much weight!'. Hypocrites!

Enough ranting! Let me know how you're all doing yourselves. How is your weight loss and eating disorder going? - bad? good? - what defines those??

Hugs,

Poppy xox

You don't realise how far you have walked, until you look back...

Hi.

I can only apologise for the days of silence that have passed. I'm sure with my site being 'down' it may have looked like i'd packed up shop, but i haven't. Mymirrorimage just needed to be funded differently which meant a lack of payment at the time.

It has been a difficult June, mostly because i have been jumping up and down from 140lbs, when i really wanted to be on 130lbs (at least) by now. But i am back under 140lbs and determined to get far under it now.

One of the reasons i chose to write now is because i think i'm still in shock by what happened today, but i realised how 'bad' my ED was. Here's the tale:

My mum knows about my ED, and she even goes as far as emptying out my containers of vomit which i try to keep hidden from her out of shame. I hate her doing this and she will search my room for them. Yesterday i purged about 3 times and filled two containers.

I have one container which my mum knows about and checks, but i have another which i secretly keep somewhere else which she doesn't know about. It's like my backup.

When i got home from work today, i tried to help my mum put the shopping away. I get quite posessive over any food and like to put it away in a certain order or form, etc. When i tried to help today my mum told me to just 'get out'. It really upset me and i'd been feeling on edge for days - wanting to cry but not being able to.

I went upstairs and checked my second container only to find that it wasn't there. I frantically checked everywhere only to realise that mum must have found it and thrown it away. That was the final straw and i just broke down and cried for 30 mins. I was so angry and scared because it was my back up. That's when i realised how far my ED has come - when i'm crying over the loss of a plastic container. I mean, it felt like a rug had been pulled from under me.

So.... Today has been tiring. After i stopped crying, and my mum hugged me, we had lunch. They went out and i purged it. Then i fell asleep for a few hours before getting up and eating again.

Yeah - it's going to get really boring repeating it, but i ate and vomitted a few times. Although the fact my sister is around so much and keeps follwing me is making it frustratingly difficult to purge after i've eaten. I have to be really creul and cold to her sometimes for no reason just to get her to leave me alone so i can purge. I am always sorry that i have to do that.

I am determined to stay under 140 today despite eating and doing no exercise. So i've purged, used a suppository laxative and i have taken 6 laxatives which are probably going to kick in around the time my shift starts at 6.30am tomorrow morning! shit!

Sorry this is brief, i need to get some shut-eye. Hope you are all ok.

I'm scared.

Poppy xox

Pounds drop off as quickly as thick paint drying on a muggy day

It's always difficult when you get towards the lower end of a stone (14lbs). For me, i want to get on it then as soon as i hit my target, i want to get as quickly below and away from that number as possible.

It has taken me a painful few days of measuring the individual 1/4 pounds that keep me from my goal. Today i just reached under it, but that was only after purging. Tomorrow could go either way - i could put on due to the fact i drank again in the evening, or i could continue to lose.

I am so hoping that i get under my mark. Time seems to speed up and your weight loss seems to slug around and slow down as soon as a chink of light is in sight.

I have been working ALOT lately - but i don't know what i expect with three jobs! I am going to stop here because i am going to return and post something tomorrow, preferably before 4pm. We'll see...

Let me know how your doing. You all sound so busy and involved with your lives at the moment - it is really uplifting to hear from you.

Until later,

Poppy xox

I'm not prepared to be scared by my eating disorder yet. It's not finished.

I'm not quite sure how i feel today.

When i was searching for pictures to use on today's blog, i came across the usual worrying array of pictures that diplay what 'eating disorders' are really like. Problem is i feel like this train is going too fast. I can't stop what i'm doing because when i do i'll put on weight and i'm deathly afraid of that happening. I'd love to be able to eat normally and not engage in dangerous behaviours, but it scares me that all the weight might go back on again.

I keep on losing weight because i don't feel thin enough yet, not compared to others around me. Also i want to give myself at least half a stone as a 'safety net'. This means that if i do eat something bad, i still have 7lbs gap before whichever weight i said i would never get to again.

Anyways, just thought i'd air my views. In reply to your response Bonnie, don't worry about feeling like you have nothing to say. I'm even chuffed to see a smiley face in the comments box! Yes, i know that purging this much is a lot, and it had increased over the months again. I continue to reason with myself and my parents that it is less than i have done it in the past (which got to 6 times a day), therefore it is at a satisfactory level for me. I feel it is under control - not too little, but not too much. Obviously, i'm not quite fooled because i know my concept of what is control is probably warped, but i am too chicken to venture out of my ED safe zone yet. I have had no reply from the counsellors at present, but they did say it could take up to a month.

If it's any consalation, physically i'm not in a dreadful state. My teeth may be yellowing, but not too badly, i check my pulse and it is a few beats under regular limits, and i only get acid reflux very occasionally. Currently, i'm actually at a healthy weight for my height (140lbs) and i'm actually at less risk of any heart problems than when i was obese in January. Also, i haven't fainted once as yet....

Does that make it any better? I will see a counsellor though, as long as they don't try to force me to talk to a doctor. Not yet.

Right, onto today. I decided to leave yesterday because it was pretty much the norm - fruit box, 2/3 bag of tortillas, purged, 4 miles run, skipped tea to counterbalance calories. The Tuesday morning i had lost another 2lbs.

Wednesday 16th June

Quick bites:

- Weight lost/gained: lost 1lbs

- Binged/Purged: twice

- Exercise: 3 mile run

Fantastic news! I broke my barrier of lowest weight i have got to and have lost all the weekend weight i wanted to shift. I was so chuffed, however it makes me more nervous to be exactly on a stone, because if you gain you are losing your grip on it. I get itchy to get past that stone into the lower one and make as bigger gap as possible between it and where i am now. So right now i want to move into the 9st region and get as far away from the double digit as possible.

I made up my fruit box and went to work. Time went quickly, and for lunch i sat in the toilets licking my spoon clean of a fat free raspberry yoghurt. Who knew you could love a yoghurt so much?! Onto the rest of the day, and the afternoon slugged by. For lunch i mooched into town and bought some bits...i won't bore you with what you will already expect it to be. You are right - it is the sort of stuff you would expect it to be.

In the last hour at work, i sat in the toilets munching a bag of white chocolate covered fudge and purging it. Fudge ain't fun to b/p on, but then neither is peanut butter and i love it! I wasn't convinced i'd managed to remove it all so planned my run when i got home.

The driving home with my mum was horrible and i felt stressed when at home. I picked at 1 olive, 1 piece of pineapple and a strawberry. When mum went out to her exercise class, i spotted ym chance and idly began munching on the rest of the bag of tortillas. I stopped myself, got changed for a run and ran for 36 minutes.

When i got home, i decided i needed to miss dinner in order to make up for the calories that might have been digested when i b/p ed on the crisps and fudge. I arranged my washing up on the side board and then picked up an ice cream, bread roll and the rest of the crisps and sauntered upstairs. I added to the collection from my own stash, with chocolate macadamia nuts. I b/p ed it all.

Since then, i have been weighing myself regularly, and have remained the same. I am afraid to drink anything in case it messes up tomorrows weigh in, especially when i'm so close to going down a stone. *Cross fingers*

Please feel free to shout out below :)

Poppy xox